Chapter 12: Kylo I

Summary:

This is probably the riskiest chapter I've posted yet since it's made from the bad guy's point of view. According to my sister it presents a very jaded version of Kylo Ren/Ben Solo's relationship with his family that may be unsettling for some viewers. Bear in mind that Kylo is 1,000 shades of messed up, though there is a "villain has a point" moment in here. PLEASE know I do not think Leia is evil, Kylo just sees her as evil the way Vader saw Obi-Wan as malignant. Then again it might not be so unsettling: we are fanfiction readers after all.

This is how it feels to be Kylo Ren*

You are a relatively young man with old eyes, brown irises that disclose how you find scant joy in your studies. Supreme Leader knows it, he has always known you struggle to become purely dark, similar to the Siths of old. Your distasteful inability to scorn the light side once and for all. To hide such failings from his Master is futile, try as it might a sapling cannot escape the shadow of a centuries long tree. Especially now when your weakness has manifested so repeatedly, in such an obvious form. The last few days have been laden with tribulations, remnants of the past coming together have fomented the flicker of light within his blackened heart to spring forth. To call upon him again as if he had never left and the last decade was just an incredibly realistic dream. Lor San Tekka had been the first and most glaringly obvious with his criticizing and sanctimonious declarations, it hadn't bothered him to cut the old man in half with his ruby light-saber. The foolish geezer could have lived out his days peacefully in that barren wasteland if he hadn't tried to play Grand Master Yoda to the Resistance. He disregarded the safety of his villagers by playing host to criminals and knowingly passing vital information to General Organa's group of anarchists. (If Captain Phasma hadn't said anything he could have left Tekka's misguided peasants alone). In the end his effect on the Knights Of Ren's leader was minimal at best, Poe Dameron was another story.

Had it been any other pilot there on Jakku, mocking him with such deliberateness a swift "interrogation" and death would have followed instantly. Only a weak man allows others to undermine his authority, Supreme Leader always said. But this was Poe Dameron, the goofy kid who played Hutts and Spacers with Ben. The gold-hearted squirt who grew into the loyal teenager that let every personal insult slide yet wasted no time on beating the crap out of anybody who mocked his friends. Young Solo's unassuming shoulder to cry on before and after his real mother's funeral, just as Ben had comforted young Dameron when Shara Bey died. The steadfast youth who promised they'd remain friends forever no matter what as he went to "Jedi School" with a sincerity so clear it sung through the Force like a Nubian Opera's crescendo. So he didn't kill him as Snoke would have wanted but the situation was salvageable: Dameron was an important member of the Resistance and the map to Luke Skywalker was nowhere to be found. That made the Yavinese pilot a valuable asset to the First Order, no one could argue against Kylo Ren's logic except General Hux and that man would offer a compelling argument to a brick wall if it meant he'd prove his rival wrong. The treacherous speck of light made it impossible for him to pry information off his former best friend without dark side meditation, even then his mind faltered at the thought of causing his once confidant/protector/brother in all save blood so he waited in hopes that his particular brand of skills wouldn't be necessary.

It came as no surprise that he hoped in vain: Things rarely happen the way he'd prefer and ultimately Poe Dameron was his father's son, an epitome of strength amidst a sea of cowardice. (It sickens him how almost none of his commanding officers have the courage of the Old Rebellion or the Empire. Had they more bravery the Resistance would have been purged by now). At first he tried a more subtle approach to pry the map out while Poe was asleep but it didn't work. Afterwards he asks if he's comfortable, compliments his mental strength to see if the distraction allows him to wheel the information out calmly but the pilot's mind is a steel trap. "You might wanna rethink your technique" opens his eyes to the new reality. She would say that to him whenever he failed a task, whenever he wasn't good enough her condescending lips would utter that phrase! Poe speaks and General Organa's words come out of his mouth, complete with her piercing gaze that drips with keen disappointment and rage. This wasn't his best friend anymore he realized, this was Princess Leia's unholy creation. She took his best friend and molded him into the picture-perfect son she always wanted for herself. Erased Kes Dameron's boy and transformed him into her willing slave that took her word as law. A silver-tongued youth with dashing good looks that didn't have an unnatural power coursing through his veins, a son with enough charm to sway people over to her side by flashing a smile, a son with Luke Skywalker's unwavering sense of justice rather than the vengeful attitude her biological child had displayed from an early age. He has no friends left, this is only a shell of her hypocritical teachings wearing Poe Dameron's skin. It's also the closest he can get to torturing all that Leia Organa embodies: duplicity, abandonment, corruption, ingratitude, betrayal. His ears relish the screams as his mind pictures her squirming in pain the way Mara Jade did whilst Organa slept comfortably in a satin bed, oblivious to her sister's lungs drowning in blood. Had it been her precious Winter that so much as broke a nail then she would have felt it. Alderaan is the only thing she ever truly loved.

That should been the end of it. General Hux's troops retrieval of the astromech droid would lead the First Order to Luke Skywalker, last of the Jedi who would turn or die. But the stormtrooper he spared years ago turned his back on the Empire's legacy and freed Poe Dameron in the process. Somehow the traitor managed to find the droid, drag Han Solo back into the war effort and defeat some of the Order's finest troops. Failing to dispose of Dameron is now his second (unofficially third) strike, proving the old adage about third times always being the best or worst true. The first strike was his failure at the Temple: It was his fault that some of Skywalker's students had escaped during the attack. He had saved Kyp Durron from a Knight Of Ren's attack, the young man had been the only friend he'd made in Skywalker's academy. Kyp had understood how difficult it was to rid the monsters from your soul. He was also the only other student of Skywalker's that hadn't idolized the New Republic. Durron placed his faith in the Force and individuals, not the fallible workings of bureaucracy. Poe had liked Kyp when young Solo presented his classmate to his lifelong friend, easing the teenager's fear that he'd be forced to choose which one he liked best. When the Temple was attacked Kyp's lightsaber broke and he used the family heirloom Skywalker kept under force-sensitive lock and key. Anakin's lightsaber, Darth Vader's weapon that hadn't seen a fight with the Dark Side in almost 20 years. Surely, the fact Kyp chose his grandfather's weapon was proof that he should be spared. Everyone knew who that saber belonged to but only Kyp was intelligent enough to cast repulsion of its maker aside & defend himself. Supreme Leader didn't have to know exactly how events transpired. At least that's what he told himself when he kept quiet as a group of younglings hid with Durron and Lor San Tekka in a dumbwaiter. Those children vanished from the Force shortly after the New Republic foolishly imprisoned its best hope for survival. It was safe to assume they were dead, Skywalker couldn't protect them inside jail and Kyp was injured. That didn't mean Supreme Leader forgave his lapse in judgement.

The second strike was sparing FN- 2187 from execution. Foresight was never his specialty, Vader had been the one gifted with prophecy. Not that the Old Order had comprehended that, they were too immersed in fundamentalism to see anything beyond the Force's basic outline. If he had acknowledged Captain Phasma's ability to spot insurgents then none of this would have happened. Dameron's shade would have been executed, the droid would be in their possession and the Knights of Ren would be headed to face Skywalker. But the concise yet well-exposed rhetoric reminded him of Master Katarn and Kyle had been a true friend to his mother. A quick evaluation had shown the same analytical mind, though it was somewhat stilted by conditioning. Kylo Ren had arranged for FN-2187 to receive a lighter version of reconditioning thereon, as expected the young trooper flourished with his mind clearer than ever before. When his time came FN would serve to fortify the Order, perhaps he would succeed Phasma. He had foolishly presumed that FN-2187 would share the dead knight's sense of loyalty. Projected his nostalgia into a man he knew nothing of. His men at Takodana payed the consequences. Fortunately the incident was too trivial for the memory of most, Supreme Leader Snoke had not been informed of his woeful decision.

Officially the third strike was the girl who stared at him with his real mother's hazel eyes. The scavenger who defied all odds, who went from rabble to revolutionary in a flash. It seemed like a script taken out of the fairytale book Winter Celchu gifted Ben Solo, filled with stories where the mage or Jedi vanquished evil and peace reigned eternal as magic led the kingdom to prosperity. A beautiful lie they all told themselves: that you could have magic without monsters. Foolhardy, the lot of them. How naïve of seasoned war veterans to cling unto such fantasies. Kylo Ren knows better, recognizes the way things are. There are no "happy endings", no time of the perennial light because the dark cannot be eradicated. Darkness never truly dies, it reincarnates. Evolves within the depths of shadows, grows beside the ambitions of man, thrives beneath the bitter memories politicians seek to erase from the history panels. You cannot stop the dark but you can control it, wear it like armor for the self. Make it so none can tell where the masked wraith starts and the man begins. (Masks are easy to don when you've much to hide. Luke Skywalker taught him that lesson.) But the girl made him want to think otherwise, to dream in the impossible once more. He was drawn to her, a part of him yearned to protect her and shield the scavenger from the gruesome reality of life. To keep his mother's eyes free of the woes that plagued Mara Jade Skywalker, guard this strange young girl who also has Master Jade's shoot-first and ask questions later approach. She felt warm the way mother's hugs and bedtime kisses had been warm as she slept. Bright like Skywalker before losing his wife as her thoughts drifted to her companions, real like a beam of sunlight one cannot see without blinding yet touches him all the same when she resisted his powers. The scavenger terrifies him and not because of her Force-Sensitivity. It petrifies him that if Supreme Leader requests her death he will be unable to follow this wish.

"BEN!"

"Han Solo: I've been waiting for this day for a long time."

The man who sired him stands at the edge of the precipice. Walking with steadfast pulse and heavy step, as if he passes the crossroads between chaos and salvation. Kylo takes in the measure of the last person to touch him with tenderness. The last sentient to say "I love you", hurried as it had been it was honest as was the "Love you too dad". Contrary to what people may think Ben Solo did love his father. The scruffy-looking man who could come home from an emergency war meeting, nearly get killed by a Imperial loyalist and deal with smugglers on the same day but still find the time to read his son bedtime stories. It meant even more when he fell asleep halfway through the pages and woke up two or three minutes later with a yawn not far from his mouth, cause it was proof his father saw him as a priority. That he was important enough to place over sleep, trade routes, military strategies and political tactics. Han Solo was weak regarding his connection to the Force yes, but he had made up for it in different ways. The Force-null Corellian had shown more affection in a single day than the egg-donor who betrayed her heritage and thought a pat on the head or a "family" dinner twice a month bound them together. An image appears: Han Solo leaving his wife behind, tired of always the same thing. Desperate to wipe clean the suffering brought by the injustice he couldn't rectify, the labyrinth "Her Majesty-Ness" hadn't warned him properly about. To pick up where he left in Mos Eisley in the hopes that he'd be rid of honorable duty, that he wouldn't be the hero of an ungrateful system any longer. That's the most logical thing you've ever done Solo, you finally left the harpy that took you for granted. Organa never understood just how fortunate she was to have people willing to get their hands dirty for her. Had never grasped just how lucky she was to have Han Solo and Luke Skywalker around to lead her towards the eye of the hurricane. It startles him to learn Solo spent years searching for his son, that his refusal to see Ben leave for the Academy was an action of disapproval towards the decision rather than his temperamental child. Han Solo: always full of surprises-

"Take off that mask: you don't need it."

"What do you think you'll see if I do?"

"The face of my son."

If Han Solo expected his seed to grow into his looks then he'll be disappointed. Ben Solo's large ears stayed oddly disproportionate, his nose remained awkwardly shaped. He probably looks worse now than he did as a young adult. The soft-childishness of his face and body are long past, replaced by towering limbs that fall over tortured gaunt cheeks and unruly hair. He is not beautiful the way Organa was in her youth nor he is ruggedly handsome like Captain Solo. But his fa- Han Solo doesn't care about that when he takes the mask off. If anything his thoughts reveal curiosity tempered with determination, addled with concern. Why would he be concerned about him after everything he's done? Why would he waste a decade looking for a child that never fit the galaxy's requirements? Fill his eyes with an expression that hinges on love he doesn't deserve anymore and tell him it's not too late? Kylo Ren wonders if Han Solo is aware that his mental shields are down, that he's given his dark-sider spawn the opportunity to perform mind rape along with other alternatives that are far more permanent. He must know, Skywalker had taught the Corellian General how to protect himself as much as any Force-null could.

Leave here with me... Come home:We miss you. Who's we? Mother is dead and her ashes lie in a humble monument his father visits on Yavin day, Organa created a myth of her martyred son he can't live up to. The would-be carrier of a Jedi Legacy, a great loss to the galaxy. (It had infuriated him to learn Leia spread these lies, that Poe believed them was even more grating.) She will welcome the idea of him, not the twisted man he is. Kyp is lost or dead and evidence points to the latter, Poe will no doubt see him as a wretched abomination after what he did. His father might forgive him but the rest of the cosmos won't be so kind. Even if he hadn't gone dark Ben was still Vader's grandchild and Kylo Ren had been still shared a slight training bond with "Lord Vader's Cum Stain" in the immediate aftermath of the New Jedi purge so he felt the heat, heard the razor shaving, winced as they flogged hastily-stitched flesh. The galaxy saw uncle Luke as a monster and he was innocent of any wrongdoings. Every sentient with a comm link saw the crowds over-flooding when the Senate vetoed "Lady Vader", perhaps Organa should thank the First Order for ending Hosnian Prime. From a certain point of view one could say that they avenged the Skywalker twins. His father chalks Skywalker's reason for leaving down to the imprisonment, truth is Luke had been breaking inside long before that.

Ever since Mara Jade died her husband's Force signature felt different. On the outside nothing seemed wrong, he still taught at the Academy, he still cleaned up political messes but his smile was wrong. During his early days on the Jedi school Ben had sneaked up on his uncle during meditation after unlocking the door. (A disturbing sign, Mother always said meditation was meant to be open). Inside the preteen had caught a wave of sensations no longer shielded by a Force-blocking key and lock. The Grand Master of the New Jedi Order's emotions were akin to someone with a landspeeder resting on his back. Crushed flat, hardly able to move because of the pain. It hurt to stand near him, it felt like he was being squeezed against iron walls and there was no C-3P0 to shut down the garbage compactors. Uncle Luke had stopped meditating the moment he sensed his nephew's discomfort. He'd shoved all the bad stuff back inside him with no hesitation, locked up a severe melancholy none acknowledged. No wonder uncle Luke was always busy when dad or his army brothers came to visit, he did it on purpose. If they had a battle to fight or a problem to solve there'd be no time left to glimpse how the Last Jedi was dying a little each day. But Senator Organa must have noticed, she and Master Luke shared an even stronger connection than anyone breathing. Her instructions to stay beside his uncle made sense all of a sudden. She'd brought him here to catch two birds with one stone. Senator Organa's master plan was for two broken people to fix each other, as if pressing two shards of glass together magically repaired the damage. A pretty plot for Alderaanian fairytales but in reality it was doomed before anything began. If she'd really cared about her twin she would gotten him or Ben psychological help but she placed what the paparazzi would scream over the well-being of her child and brother. For all that the First Order is ruthless it also values honesty. (He prefers it when leaders are outwardly vicious, rather than hiding politics' sadistic tendencies under a veil of pleasant behavior.) Such worries wouldn't have existed if Skywalker had joined them, the bloodline her oh so great Republic hated with a fire worthy of Mustafar is held in high esteem within their hierarchy. Luke Skywalker would have been a Prince in all but name, with all the respect owed to Vader's direct heir. Perhaps then the glass would be mended, perhaps then he and Skywalker would be whole as she wanted. The shards aren't just broken anymore, they've been shattered into atom-sized pieces. No one can fix them, Jedi and Dark Acolyte are both beyond repair. But unlike Skywalker Kylo Ren is presently situated at the point of no return. His decision will herald either Light's Victory or Darkness's Roar. A decision incarnate in his father who like him has both dark and good, in that instant he wishes to be normal so Ashla and Bogan would not yank mercilessly at him.

"I am being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

"Anything."

Han Solo's actions right now echo that of his Jedi uncle. The Corellian's irises bear the same tiredness, the haunted gaze that recognizes victory will not suffice but failed to understand the futile effort in protecting liberty. (Weak and foolish but also impossible not to feel something for) You'd think a former criminal would comprehend that the "will of the people" is a fickle mistress, that society is prone to amnesia. It builds you up for the chance to laugh as you stumble down. The masses love you so long as you are seemingly infallible, they are sheep incapable of analysis. Instead they swallow the newest lies and move on to the latest frivolity. If Ben Solo returns to the light what then? What's to be his role in the Resistance or the Republic for that matter? More importantly what will his father do when the war is done? When they've no further use for an old pilot that won't stand aside and keep quiet when it benefits him? It won't end well for General Solo: the Senate will reward him in the first years and slowly plot his descent after they realize the Rebellion's top smuggler inspires more loyalty than they do. Their aversion to centralism will push away the heroes of this war, just like the last one. They'll send them to fight their wars, use their image to gather support in public but when the time comes most will show their true colors. Solo's abandonment of the Republic would make them request more arduous missions in order to "regain trust". They'd done the same with Mother...Oh truly the Supreme Leader is wise: he has glimpsed mercy where others would see only murder. He hasn't been asked to kill his father, he's putting an end to decades of silent anguish. Preventing him from trotting down the same path destiny thrust upon his mother or his uncle. His last words to Han Solo are thank you.

For a second Organa's mournful cry drips through the Force, gloriously saccharine to the soul. He hears her weep, funny he hadn't known she was capable of tears. None were shed as Mara's cinders ascended unto the stars or when Kes Dameron hysterically informed the Solo family Poe was now motherless. The dark thrums in delight, yes let it flood me. Let it coat every inch of my spirit so that I am finally worthy of Vader's line. But then Ha- Father uses the last of his earthly strength to touch his cheek and the pain Skywalker exuded that day in meditation blooms inside him tenfold as the night's rapture diminishes into nothing. You are weakened in a way you have never borne, it feels as if you are deaf, blind and mute whilst being burned alive as grandfather was by Kenobi's hand. It dawns on you that the last person who saw you, who experienced the full power of devil and angel within your rancorous self but still loved you unconditionally is dead.

And it is your fault he died despairing, his last thoughts were paternal love and forgiveness coupled with the fear that you could not forgive him. Han Solo misunderstood his act of compassion. As the wookie's crossbow pierces you, your mind declares that this is the cost of power, this is your curse. This is the price of being Kylo Ren forever...

Notes:

*If you understand this reference then you rock.

Hands out tin cup: comments please?