RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES
Written by Christopher Rangel
CHAPTER 4: DOCTOR WHO
Jerry Seinfeld was the main character of Cheers, and Qrow Branwen was the only person who knew. Or was it the whiskey? Qrow downed another shot. No, definitely Jerry Seinfeld. Qrow stared wistfully at a random spot on the bar, wondering "What ever happened to the 80's, anyways?" (See "Evan Drakes Unrepentant Bitches"). He heard someone pull themselves into the seat next to him and say "I'll have a Bitter Irony, please."
"Bitter Irony", said Qrow. "Haven't had that drink in ages."
"Hm…" said the person next to him. Qrow turned his head to see who he was talking to.
"Your drink, scyr", said the bartender.
"Thanks", said…
"Wait, you're Ruby's scythe", said Qrow. "Crescent Rose."
"Not anymore", said Crescent Rose. "She's fucking another scythe now."
"She's… Oh, wow…" said Qrow. "Hey, bartender!"
"Please, call me Big Bird", said Big Bird the bartender.
"Yeah, Big Bird, whatever; what is it I'm drinking?"
"That right there is premium Piss Whiskey, right from the special TRUMP stock."
"Yeah, gonna stay away from this for… ever", he said, downing the shot and then ordering something else.
"I thought we had something special", said Crescent Rose.
"Oh good, you're still here", said Qrow.
"I was her first, you know."
"Well, didn't need to know that", said Qrow. He watched Crescent Rose take a sip of its Bitter Irony, not understanding even as he watched how a scythe could drink anything.
"I'm gonna need to find a new wielder", said Crescent Rose.
"You're in luck", said a stranger in a black cloak, who Qrow hadn't noticed taking the seat on his other side. "I just happen to be looking for a scythe to use."
Qrow squinted his eyes, trying to get a good luck at the stranger beside him. His eyes widened. "Wait a minute. You're…"
It was a rainy day, and Ruby stood waiting at a bus stop. Beside her stood Satsuki, her younger sister Mei on her shoulders, and beside them was their neighbor Totoro. Ruby checked her watch, tapped her foot, and looked to her right.
All of a sudden a giant catbus arrived at the bus stop, and Satsuki, Mei, and Totoro all got on board.
"You coming?" Satsuki asked Ruby.
"No", said Ruby, sighing. "Don't think I'll be able to do that again for a while."
"What?"
"No, I'm not coming", said Ruby. "I'm waiting for this!" She pointed to the sign beside the bus stop, which read "GYNECOLOGIST: WAIT HERE"
"Oh, okay", said Satsuki.
"BRRROOOOOOAAAAARRR!" screamed Totoro Kujo, and with that the bus raced off into the stormy night. Ruby Rose shivered, cold, wet, and alone in the darkness, illuminated only by the hazy streetlight above, with a severe pain emanating from her ruptured loins. But then there was a sound that sounded like "Wr...wr...wr..." and the TARDIS materialized before her. The Doctor (played by Peter Capaldi) poked his head out.
"Ruby Rose?"
"That's me!" said Ruby. The Doctor smiled.
"I'm the Doctor. Come inside." And so Ruby came inside.
"This way, please", said the Doctor, walking her through the main room of the TARDIS and into a side room with a sign reading GYNECOLOGY OFFICE. He opened the door. "Right this way, please." Ruby obliged, taking a seat on the medical examination bench. The Doctor entered the room, a young lady with brunette hair following behind him. "Ruby, this is my assistant, er, companion, er, nurse, Clara".
"G'day!" said Clara.
"Ooh, everything is so British!" said Ruby.
"Scottish", The Doctor said under his breath. "Alright, first things first; gonna have to have a look at that pussyhole."
"Doctor, that's the second thing", said Clara.
"Alright", said the Doctor. "First things first, I'm gonna do some regular checkup things." And so he did some regular checkup things. He took out his Sonic Stethoscope and held it to Ruby's chest, and immediately he gasped, his eyes wide open.
"What is it?" Clara asked. Another moment passed, and the Doctor didn't say anything. Clara stood nervously by the door.
"There…" the Doctor sputtered, "There are t… no, that's not possible."
"What's not possible?" asked Ruby. The Doctor squinted his eyes and listened harder, then he eased up a bit, smiled, and stood up, taking the stethoscope away.
"Nothing", said the Doctor. "I was hearing things. You're a human, not a Time Lord. You only have one heart"
"Awesome!" said Ruby.
"Yes", said the Doctor. "Anyways, as the kids say these days, 'DROP DAT TROU AN' SHOW ME DA PUSSYHOLE!"
"Alrighty!" said Ruby, and she exposed her whole vageene to Doctor fuckiing Who.
"HOLY SHIT!" said The Doctor. Clara projectile vomited into her hand.
"Is it bad?" asked Ruby.
"It's, ah…" began the Doctor. "Gee, it sure is something! There's nothing a bandage can't fix, though!" he got a bandage at the ready, then got on his knees for a better vantage point on Ruby's ripe teen cunt. "Oh dear."
"What is it, Doc?"
"A bandage ain't fixin' this one. We're gonna have to go deeper."
"Deeper?"
"Yes", said the Doctor. "As deep as Doctor fucking Who can go. Clara, come with me." They both left the room, then returned dragging a big-ass, white device that was big enough for two fuckers to fucking stand fucking fuchety in.
"We present to you…" began the Clara. "The Sonic Shrink-Dink."
"Oooh, that looks like fun!" said Ruby.
"Yes, very fun", said the Doctor. "What's going to happen now, is, I'm going to grab this box of bandages, then Clara, the bandages, and I will enter the Sonic Shrink-Dink and shrink to a very very very small size."
"Yeah, like the size of his last regeneration's wanger", said Clara.
The Doctor turned slowly to Clara and said, calm and restrained, "Fuck off?" Clara made a motion to zip her lips. "Anyways, once we're very, very small, we're going to walk up inside your hoo-ha and patch things up from the inside, with the aforementioned bandages. Any questions?"
"Uh, yeah", said Ruby. "Isn't there any way to do this without using a Sonic Shrink-Dink?"
"No", said the Doctor. "Let's begin. Clara, ready the machine!" Clara pulled a lever, causing the Sonic Shrink-Dink to begin to whirr. She, The Doctor, and the bandages went into the Sonic Shrink-Dink, and were promptly shrunk small enough to enter Ruby's Vagina. A bridge extended from the machine to the place on the bench right beneath where Ruby's vagoo lay in wait. Ruby watched as they crossed the bridge.
"You won't even notice that we're in there!" yelled the Doctor. Clara attempted to pass through Ruby's vagina lips, only to get stuck halfway, feet kicking out like a pornographic Winnie the Pooh.
"Doctor, help!" yelled Clara. "I'm stuck inside this woman!"
"Goddammit, Clara!" said the Doctor, and he stood behind Clara and kicked her right into Ruby's cervix, causing Ruby to moan, then followed behind her, also causing Rubby to maon.
"It's dark in here", said Clara. "And dank."
"Wear these", said the Doctor, handing her a pair of glasses. "These will let you see in the dark." He put on his own pair of Sonic Shades. "We must be careful; remember that we're in a vagina. Make too much movement in here and we could trigger an orgasm, which, considering the amount of contusions within here, and the pressure of the muscle convulsions themselves, would almost certainly mean death for us."
"Right", said Clara.
"Now", said the Doctor, "On to business." They looked around. There were cuts and pussy wounds all over the place. "We've got a lot of work to do." He walked up to one of the cuts, then pulled out a bandage and applied it to the wound, only for it to fall right off. "What?" He tried again, and once more it fell off. "No, stay on!" said The Doctor. He pushed really hard on the bandage, but still, it fell. "Dammit." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hammer and nails, then nailed the bandage into the wound. "Perfect." He handed Clara some bandages, a hammer, and some nails, and they got to work, making their way down Ruby's genitalia.
"What was that earlier, Doctor?" asked Clara. "It seemed like something was bothering you for a bit while you were giving her her checkup."
"It was nothing", said the Doctor. "For a second, I thought I heard a second heart beating inside her. But that's impossible. Unless…"
"You think it might have anything to do with the temporal anomaly?"
"I don't know", said The Doctor. "But it's definitely a possibility. We will definitely be staying around Bacon Adademy for a while."
"Hey, Doctor," said Clara. "What are those?" she pointed upwards to a bunch of balls that were all over the chamber they had entered.
"Egg cells", said the Doctor. "We've made our way into one of the ovaries."
"But that one's… different", she said, pointing to an egg on the other side of the ovary. It was black, but shining, almost like a jewel.
"That… that's no egg", said the Doctor. He made haste to it, then scanned it with his Sonic Shades. He gasped. "It is an egg. But there's more to it than that. This… no, it can't be…"
"What is it?"
"Have you heard of the various types of jewels that cover this land?"
"You mean like the Protajewels?"
"Yes, like those. Jewels that bear connections to the gods that rule this land. There are the Protajewels, connected to the Godchris, which came from the Earth. And then there are a variety of other jewels throughout the World, such as the Pjojewels, bearing the essence of the Goddermeyer, and the Antajewels, bearing the essence of the Petano. This one… it bears the name… Omegajewel. Deity… unknown."
"If that egg becomes fertilized…"
"This world's a story, Clara", said The Doctor, "Of course the egg's going to fertilized. But when it does…"
"Who know?"
"Yes, who knows…" The Doctor looked around. "Our work here is done. Let's get out of here." And so they started walking back to the entrance, making sure not to make too much of a commotion.
"Something's wrong", said Clara as they made it back to the vagina.
"You're right", said the Doctor. "There should be light."
"Doctor, look!" He looked, and saw that there was a finger sticking right inside.
"RUBY, NO!" The Doctor yelled. He could feel Ruby's vaginal muscles moving beneath him. The earth was quaking, the walls was shaking, her pussy aching, Ruby masturbating (and you… shook me all night long!)
"She's really going at it!" said Clara. The Doctor looked around. He could feel some liquid seeping into his shoes. Blood? No; the bandages seem to be holding for now; it must just be vaginal fluid.
"Ruby, you must listen to me!" said the Doctor. "You must stop masturbating right now!"
"I can't stop!" Ruby called back. "It's so hot! There are whole people! Inside me! Ooohhhhh, it makes me so horny!"
"Have you ever seen a miscarriage, Ruby?!" the Doctor asked. "Because if you keep at this, Clara and I will die in here and then come out like one, all bloody, dead, disfigured, right out of your pussy. Do you want that, Ruby? Do you want a double miscarriage?" There was no response but pleasured moaning. "It's no use. There's only one way to take care of this." He pointed his Sonic Screwdriver at a wall and a door formed.
"Where does that go?" asked Clara.
"It's a portal into her bloodstream", said The Doctor. "We're going to need to hitch a ride up to the brain; otherwise, we'll die here, drowned in bloody vaginal fluid, and Ruby will probably be dead as well." He stopped talking, suddenly turning. "Did you see that?"
"See what?" Clara asked.
"I thought I saw… a shadow move." He looked closer. "No, it was nothing. Let's just go." They stepped into the blood stream and rode it through the heart (which the Doctor only saw one of) and right up to the brain).
"Last stop!" said the Doctor, and he and Clara hopped out of the bloodstream and into Ruby's skull. They looked up and saw her brain; a lump of gray matter shaped exactly how it is in the textbooks, except for the fact that images of imaginary worlds were playing out in translucent illusions all around it.
"The fractal of fiction goes on", the Doctor said thoughtfully. He turned to Clara and said "Alright, there's only one way to take care of this."
"What is that?" asked Clara.
"This", said the Doctor, and he leapt up into the air, yelled "Lights out!" and punched Ruby's brain directly…
"Wh… what happened?" Ruby asked upon waking up. She looked down and saw that her pussy was out, as the kids say, "For Grandad", but that there was a bandage covering it entirely, stitched right to her skin. She felt the bandage. It was… metal?
"Good, you're awake", said the Doctor. "Yeah, you won't be playing with yourself anytime soon."
"What?!" said Ruby.
"That bandage is made of flexible Valyrian steel; there's no getting through it and no getting it off until two weeks have passed, at which point the timer will run out and it will detach from your body. For now, you're on nofap."
"Not nofap!" said Ruby.
"Sorry, but that's how it has to be. You almost vored Clara and I to death, and almost undid all the work we did to patch up your insides. You could have done permanent damage, but thankfully, in a couple weeks, you'll be alright."
"Alright, I guess", said Ruby. She started walking towards the exit. "Thanks, Doc." She left. Clara stepped towards el Doctro.
"We've got a lot of work to do around here, don't we?" asked Clara.
"Indeed, we do", said The Doctor. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box. He opened it, and stared at the pair of nipples inside…
"I'm home!" said Ruby. Her eyes widened as he saw Weiss, Blake, and Yang gathered around the couch, where Qrow lay unconscious, blood seeping from the right side of his chest. "What happened?!"
"He came to our door like this!" said Yang. "And he collapsed. We've patched him up, but he's… he's missing a nipple."
"No…" said Ruby, clenching her fist. "Why did he come here?"
"He wanted to say something", said Weiss.
"He must know the identity of the Niplord", said Blake. "When he wakes up, we should at least have a lead."
"Good", said Ruby. She felt a buzz in her pocket and pulled out her phone. It was an email from Marluxia.
"Thinking of you, wherever you are. I'm in prison. Public masturbation. Pls help", the message read.
"Oh, Marluxia", Ruby said, shaking her head. She turned to the rest of her team. "I'll be back guys; I gotta give someone a hand…"
"Job!" Yang cut off. Everyone laughed, except for Qrow, who was still in very bad shape.
TO BE CONTINUED