RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES

Written by Christopher Rangel

CHAPTER 5: PRISON SEX (IS A SONG BY TOOL)

"Gimme your hands," said David Bowie.

"I don't have hands," Squidward responded. "I only have tentacles."

"Just as well," said David Bowie. "Let me see them." Squidward extended a tentacle. Bowie looked at it, inspected it, caressed it, then ignored it, looked out the window of the diner, and sipped his coffee. "There really is no substitute for a human hand."

"There really is no substitute for a human body," Squidward responded, sipping his own coffee. He turned to Bowie and asked "How long you sticking around here for?"

"A couple more days," he said. "Then I'm off to a small town in Japan. A place called Morioh. I'm rather fond of it." He sipped his coffee. "Have you produced The Ink?"

Squidward reached into his shirt pocket and handed Bowie a syringe and a large vial of dark liquid. Kira's theme from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable starts playing in the background as David Bowie filled the syringe with The Ink, poked the needle into his skin, and slowly injected himself. Squidward watched as Bowie's form began to transform, his three dimensional figure beginning to flatten, the colors of his skin, hair, and clothing becoming more vibrant, more animated. The man before him sighed, then looked Squidward in the eyes.

"My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone."

Squidward smiled. "Of all your personas, why do you like being him?"

"I just do," said Kira.

"Well, I'm glad I got to enjoy a conversation with an old friend."

"The pleasure is mine," said Yoshikage Kira, standing up and adjusting his skull and crossbow tie. "I shall always be glad to speak to the last surviving son of Cthulhu. Take care." Squidward waved him goodbye, then looked out the window, sipping his coffee. In his peripheral vision he saw a cloaked figure pass by his table. When he looked back to the table there was a piece of paper, a note. He picked it up and read it. Right at the top, in bold letters, were the words "NEW VICTIMS". Squidward smiled and finished his coffee.

Ruby Rose wore her best skirt to the prison on the outskirts of town, a buttclenchingly bleak, large, gray prison, surrounded by iron fences and beaten to submission by an unforgiving Sun. She passed through the gates, through the entrance, and into a musty entrance hall, the cracked tile floor, desolate reception desk, and expressionless concrete walls all illuminated by a single lightbulb, hanging by a wire from the ceiling.

"Visitor for Marluxia," Ruby told the guard behind the desk.

"We've got about four Marluxia's," said the guard, Hopper from Stranger Things. "Last name?"

"Um… I, uh… I didn't actually know he had a last name," said Ruby.

"Ah, I'm just fucking with you!" Hopper said with a smile. "There's only one asshole in the world with a name that fucking stupid." He stood up and walked towards the iron door on the left side of the room. "His cell is this way."

"Thank you," Ruby said, following him through the door. The passed many prisoners, including Bill Cosby, Rohan Kishibe, one of those Nazi guys from the last season of Breaking Bad, and Steve from Blue's Clues, before reaching the metal door to the visiting room.

"You know he's a public masturbator, right?" asked Hopper. "He jazzed all over the face of Josh Pecker!"

"It's fine," said Ruby. "I'll be alright."

"Alright," said Hopper. "If he tries anything funny, knock on the door three times. If you're just ready to leave, only knock twice."

"Gotcha," said Ruby.

Hopper nodded, took out his keys, and unlocked the door, saying "You have an hour."

Ruby stepped inside. The room was lit like the entrance hall, with a single dangling light bulb. In the back center of the room was a decrepit double bed, with a soiled mattress and rusty metal frame, and two flimsy, stained pillows. Marluxia lay on the bed shirtless, his arms reaching back and around some of the metal bars of the head board, his head facing downwards, face obscured by his hair coming down. He looked up with a smirk.

"You came."

"I hear that you did as well," said Ruby.

Marluxia smiled a little more, then uncurled his arms from around the bars, now sitting cross-legged on the bed. "We came together."

"The guard told me to tell him if you got up to any funny business," Ruby said with a smile.

"There's nothing funny about this business," Marluxia said, spreading his legs. "If you want funny business, I heard that Jerry Seinfeld will be putting on a show at a nearby comedy club."

Ruby stayed silent for a few moments before saying "I don't give a shit about Jerry Seinfeld."

"I know," said Marluxia. "But that didn't stop him from scheduling a show here. Anyways, I could feel that you've been enjoying my scythe! I was wondering if you might want to enjoy my other scythe?" He reached into his pants and pulled out his bent, scythe shaped penis.

"Unfortunately, I can't," said Ruby. She lifted her skirt, revealing the bandage over her cooter. "Valyrian steel. Jilled off too hard, and Doctor Who put me on nofap. Hopefully you weren't expecting any prison sex."

"Hmph," Marluxia said with a grin. "My lamb and martyr, you look so precious."

"YO, DID YOU JUST MAKE A TOOL REFERENCE?!" Ruby yelled.

"Hell yeah!" said Marluxia. "TOOL is my shit!"

"Yo, they're so good!" said Ruby. "I didn't expect you to quote any lyrics from 'Prison Sex' by TOOL after saying the words 'Prison Sex'!"

"What can I say?" said Marluxia. "I have found some temporary sanity in this shit blood and cum on my hands!"

"YO!" said Ruby. "Do you have a favorite TOOL song?"

"'Lateralus' from the album 'Lateralus'" said Marluxia. "You know all the Fibonacci stuff they do in that song?"

"Oh," said Ruby. "You mean how the number of syllables in each line of the vocals changes in accordance to the sequence, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 5, and so on?"

"Yeah!" said Marluxia. "I love all the mathematics they put in their music!"

"You know how three of the songs in 10,000 days form a puzzle?"

"Of course!" said Marluxia. "'10,000 Days' on one audio track and 'Viginti Tres' followed by 'Wings for Marie' on another track and it all syncs perfectly! It's fucking rad!"

"It is!" said Ruby. "It's like, who thinks to do that?"

"These fucking madlads," said Marluxia.

"Maynard is one of the best vocalists in all of prog," said Ruby Rose from the animated series RWBY.

"Yes, I agree. Maynard is one of the best vocalists in all of prog," said Marluxia from the video game series known as Kingdom Hearts. "And I wish I could play guitar as good as Adam Jones."

"Agreed," said Ruby. "I had no idea you were such a big TOOL fan!"

"Fun fact," said Marluxia. "Every time I'm wearing that dark cloak I always wear, I've got a TOOL t-shirt underneath, with a picture of the album art for Aenima."

"No shit!" said Ruby. "The proof was right there all along!"

"Yep," said Marluxia. "I fucking love TOOL."

"Yo, you hear the new single off their upcoming album yet?"

"THEY'RE ACTUALLY RELEASING A NEW FUCKING ALBUM AFTER THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS!?" said Marluxia.

"Hell yeah!" said Ruby. "You were already in prison when they announced it."

"Fuck, how is it?" asked Marluxia. "How's the new song?"

Ruby pulled it out. "I can play it for you."

"PLEASE!" said Marluxia. "What's it called?"

"'Fear Inoculum'" said Ruby. "Which will also be the name of the album. Are you ready?"

"Bring it on," said Marluxia. Ruby hit the play button. "Oooh, I like this intro. Almost kind of relaxing. Oh shit, here come the bongos I think. Are those bongos? FUCKING SITAR. Yaaasssss. Psychadelic af. Oh, it's building. Here we go, with that buildup. You know it's getting real when the bass starts to slap. Oh, there's my boy! Voice still sounds as good as it did in the 90's! Oh, here we go, bois! Here we go! Oh, not yet. The time for nutting has not yet arrived. 'I exhale you'. Who is he inhaling? Oh fuck! Oh, not yet. 'Bless this immunity'. I look forward to finding out what the fuck this song is about, because it sounds rad. Oh, here we go! HERE WE GO! Oh, he's edging us! We're being edged! Bongo solo. Oh, it's picking up again! EXHALE! EXPEL! Drum boi! He's the fucking drum boi! Oh, this riff is getting heavy! Fuzz me up, daddy-o! Big 'Forty-Six and Two' feels here. Heavy distorted guitar sound! Dat's some good ass mixing. Oh, it's getting heavier! OH FUCK, HERE WE GO! HERE COMES THE NUT! OOOOOOOHHHHHH yeah, that's good shit. One two three four. One two three four. Dugadugadugaduga. Oh fuck, here we go with the guitar tone! What the fuck is that guitar tone! What the fuck is this time signature anyways? Woooooo, that was good shit!"

"Ye!" said Ruby. "Album of the year coming right up!"

"Shit man," said Marluxia. "And I thought Terraformer by Thank You Scientist was going to be the best prog album of the year. It's really freaking good, but then you got TOOL just dancing back into the scene like 'Doo-doo-doo, get fuking rekt, scrubs!"

"We'll see," said Ruby. "Thank You Scientist may very well still have the best prog album of the year!"

"We shall see," said Marluxia. "We shall see.

"Wrap it up in there!" said Hopper.

"I'll be right out!" said Ruby.

"So how long do you have to keep your vagoo locked up?"

"The Doctor said two weeks," said Ruby.

"I'll see you then!" said Marluxia with a wink.

"I hope so!" said Ruby. She walked towards the door.

"Ruby!" said Marluxia. "Take care of the Graceful Dahlia!"

"I've been taking the best care of it!" said Ruby.

"Oh, and make sure to buy me a copy of Fear Inoculum, the new album by TOOL, as well!"

"Will do," said Ruby. She knocked on the door once. Twice. Three times. "Oh, oops!" Hopper kicked open the door, gun pointed forward.

"What did I tell you about FUCKING funny business?!" Hopper screamed. "Get on your FUCKING knees you PINK HAIRED BUNGLE-HOPPER!"

"No no no no!" Ruby said, panicked. "No funny business. I forgot the three knock thing. Everything's fine."

"Goddammit," said Hopper. "I told you that three knocks meant there was trouble! I almost fucking killed that man over there." Marluxia rolled his eyes as if to say Oh really?

"I'm sorry," said Ruby.

"Alright, well, let's go," said Hopper. The door closed behind them.

Marluxia laid back, hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling. Softly, he sang "Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity

And still be a human."

"How is he?" Ruby asked as she returned home.

"The same," said Yang. "Not great."

"He hasn't moved a bit," said Weiss, the instant before he moved a bit.

"He moved a bit!" said Blake. His mouth started to twitch.

"He's trying to say something!" said Speedwagon.

"What is it, Uncle Qrow?" said Ruby. "Who is the Niplord?"

"J… J…" Qrow began. "Jerry… Seinfeld."

"That COCKSUCKER!" said Yang. "Jerry Seinfeld was the fucking Niplord all along!"

"It's gotta be him," said Ruby. "It can't be a coincidence that these nipple related murders started happening in our town shortly before he was due to put on a show."

"Oh, he's gonna put on a show, alright," said Yang. "And it's gonna be the greatest show on fucking Earth! So good, his nipples will perk right up!"

Jerry Seinfeld sat in his hotel room, shirtless, gently rubbing his nipples. "Man is having nipples great," he said to his girlfriend in the other room. "And you know, the thing is, men don't need nipples, you know? We don't produce milk. We can't feed our babies. But we've still got them, so plump and sensitive, right there for us to rub. This is the life…" he sat there, lightly rubbing and pinching his nipples. "Man nipples are the best…"

TO BE CONTINUED