RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES
Written by Christopher Rangel
CHAPTER 6: A CHAPTER ABOUT NOTHING
Or
SEINFELD S10 EP1: THE HANGED MAN
(SEINFELD BASS plays JERRY'S THEME as JERRY SEINFELD stands onstage at THE BACON CITY COMEDY CLUB, performing his routine for an especially unimpressed crowd.)
JERRY: So I went for a tarot reading the other day. I'd never been to one before, so I didn't really know what to expect. I knew it had something to do with cards, so I thought "What, are we gonna play a card game? A few hands of poker? A couple rounds of blackjack? What kind of fortune am I in for anyways, the money kind?" (Audience is silent) So I come into this guy's office, this old man, with a long gray beard and everything, and he takes one look at me and puts down a single card. I take a look at it, I see the number XII and a guy hanging upside down, sort of tied to a branch on a tree with a rope. So I ask the guy "What does that mean? Did I win?" (Audience is silent) You see, I wanted to win at tarot. (There is still no laughter. Someone coughs. JERRY licks his lips, then continues his routine) So the man tells me, "Your card is The Hanged Man." Now, I'm no expert at Tarot, but I figured if I got a guy hanging himself, that probably meant that I lost at Tarot. He confirmed that, basically, I'd be going through some deep shit in the near future, so I asked, what, is this going to lead to me hanging myself? And he just smiled! He just laughed! I asked if we could draw again, you know, maybe the next hand would be better. I REALLY wanted to win at fucking tarot! But he just said "You already have two hands. The next will come in the next life," and he got right up and left. So I'm just sitting there, thinking "Wow, this game has high stakes. Can't play this stuff in Vegas!" (No applause) Wow, hard audience. Well, the night is still young! Maybe I can win you over before it's done! (SEINFELD BASS begins playing "A CRUEL ANGEL'S THESIS" from Neon Genesis Evangelion as the title card and opening credits show)
SEINFELD:
"THE HANGED MAN"
STARRING JERRY SEINFELD
(Black screen. KRAMER's voice is heard)
KRAMER: I used to think my life was a comedy. Turns out, it's a fucking tragedy. (Sound of a gunshot)
(JERRY's apartment. JERRY SEINFELD and ELAINE BENIS are having a conversation)
ELAINE: Did you have to kill it, Jerry?
JERRY: Oh, I killed it!? It killed itself, Elaine! It's a bee! When a bee stings someone, that's it! It's dead! Hasta la bee-sta!
ELAINE: (Looking irritated) Well you didn't need to hit it.
JERRY: What? Should we have given it a little bee funeral? Have his friends, his family, the whole hive show up? The queen comes down on a red carpet and gives a little speech, "Mr. Bee was a pretty good worker. He wasn't the best, but he could sure pull in some pollen. Too bad he spent too much time in some comedian's apartment in the middle of the city instead of in a field of flowers!"
ELAINE: Jerry…
(They both look to the back of the apartment as a manic scream comes from the back of the apartment. GEORGE COZTANZA comes running towards them)
JERRY: What's the problem, George?
GEORGE: I saw a man! In the mirror!
JERRY: Was he short? Kinda chubby? Balding?
ELAINE: Did he look a bit like you?
GEORGE: He looked nothing like me! He was taller. And his hair was silver, Jerry, SILVER! Be honest Jerry, do I have a thick head of silver hair?
JERRY: You don't have much hair it all!
GEORGE: Alright, but is it SILVER?!
JERRY: Hold on, let me get a closer look. (Leans in) Just that one. That one there is silver.
GEORGE: OH NO!
ELAINE: You know George, it's really common for middle aged men to have a few gray hairs pop in before they're old. It's really nothing to worry about!
GEORGE: They're not gray, Elaine. THEY'RE SILVER! I mean, I can't go walking around with silver hair, it's bad for my image! And in my reflection I had a full head of hair! It wasn't me! I think I'm going crazy Jerry. Am I going crazy?
JERRY: Calm down, George. We'll all go to the bathroom together, and we'll have a look at our own reflections.
GEORGE: I can't go to the bathroom with you two!
JERRY: Why not?
GEORGE: I'll get nervous…
JERRY: We're looking in the mirror, not having a three-way piss!
(Enter KRAMER with a LONG, LARGE BOX)
KRAMER: Hey, is someone having a three way piss in here?
JERRY: No, Kramer, we're not having a three way piss in here.
KRAMER: Well, now that I'm here, we're not! It's gonna have to be a four way piss! (Begins unzipping pants)
JERRY: KRAMER, KRAMER, DON'T!
ELAINE: Jesus, Kramer.
KRAMER: What?
JERRY: Put that away, Kramer, no one's pissing around anyone, we're just going to look at our reflections.
KRAMER: What's so interesting about your reflections?
ELAINE: George thought he saw some gray hairs.
GEORGE: SILVER! The hair was SILVER!
KRAMER: Wait, let me have a look. (Leans in) Not sure about silver, but there's definitely some gray. Y'know, I've got something that might help!
GEORGE: Not interested.
KRAMER: No, George, George, George, George, this will work! My pal told me "Give this to someone who needs it". And I can tell that you need it.
ELAINE: What's this "It"? Is that what's in that box you're carrying?
KRAMER: Box? Oh, no, no, no, it's not in the box.
JERRY: So what is in the box.
KRAMER: Oh, you know… air.
JERRY: It's a box full of air?
KRAMER: Yeah, it's a box full of air. And it's with me because I was wondering if I could keep it here.
JERRY: Why not keep it at your place?
KRAMER: Oh, that'd be too obvious. But no one expects the room across the hall.
JERRY: Let me see this box of air.
KRAMER: Oh, well, sure! (Hands JERRY the LONG, LARGE BOX. Jerry weighs it in his hands)
JERRY: That's some pretty heavy air in there.
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, well it's from, uh, Pittsburgh.
JERRY: Pittsburgh?
KRAMER: Yeah, you know how polluted it is over there, all those pollutants, that's what makes the city's air so heavy!
JERRY: Well, what's so valuable about Pittsburgh air?
KRAMER: Well, it's filled with brotherly love! There's not much more of that kind of love, not with all the gays around! Nothing against the gays, but there's nothing brotherly about that love. But Pittsburgh is the city of brotherly love, just guys loving other guys in a non-sexual way. If you suck another guy's dick there, it's still "Just a bro thing".
ELAINE: Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love.
KRAMER: Well, yeah, but Philadelphia needs a brother to have brotherly love. You know what Pittsburgh is?
ELAINE: The brother?
KRAMER: The brother!
JERRY: Oh, brother.
KRAMER: So can I keep it here or not, Jerry.
JERRY: Yeah, you can keep it here.
GEORGE: Hey, are we going to the bathroom or not?!
JERRY: Alright, yeah, let's go.
(Transition to THE BATHROOM)
JERRY: Well, George, despite everything it's still you.
GEORGE: Would you look at that… there are a few gray hairs popping in.
ELAINE: And it's nothing to worry about!
KRAMER: (A beat) I'm gonna piss.
JERRY: Kramer, at least wait for us to get out.
KRAMER: Well what are you guys waiting for? Get out, then! Go on, shoo!
(Everyone but KRAMER steps out, but George, the last to go, stops at the sound of a voice from the mirror)
MAN IN THE MIRROR: George, wait.
(GEORGE and KRAMER both turn back to the mirror)
GEORGE: Do you see him too?
KRAMER: No. But I thought I heard something.
GEORGE: Get outta here, Kramer. I gotta take a piss.
KRAMER: Hey, but I got here f…
GEORGE: I SAID GET OUT, KRAMER!
KRAMER: Well, jeez, alright! (Heads for the door, then turns back to GEORGE) Y'know, we could always have a two-way…
GEORGE: We are NOT having a two-way piss, Kramer!
KRAMER: Well, alright, I was just suggesting, but if you're not into it, y'know, I'm outta here.
GEORGE: So what are you waiting for? Get the hell outta here!
KRAMER: Well, alright! I'll get the hell outta here! (KRAMER slams the door behind him)(GEORGE looks into the mirror)
(Cut to JERRY and ELAINE having a meal at RESTAURANT)
JERRY: I'm worried about George.
ELAINE: Why? What's wrong with George?
JERRY: It's the hair thing.
ELAINE: Oh, right, the hair thing.
JERRY: You know, the other day I caught him crying. I asked what it was about, and he just said "My daughters."
ELAINE: He has daughters?
JERRY: No. When I asked him about it, the next thing he said was "I have no daughters. Who said anything about daughters?"
ELAINE: Do you think he might be developing an alternate personality? I saw a documentary about this guy, Vinegar Doppio…
JERRY: Oh, he's not developing an alternate personality. George is just George. He's George!
ELAINE: Except when he's Art Vandelay.
JERRY: Alright, look, whatever's happening here has nothing to do with alternate personalities. Look, here he comes now! (Enter GEORGE, walking in with a slender cane with a handle resembling the grip of a rapier)(He sits with them)
JERRY: What's with the cane?
GEORGE: What cane?
JERRY: What do you mean "What cane?" The cane you came in holding.
GEORGE: (Looks at cane) Where the hell did this come from?
JERRY: That's what we want to know! What's up with the cane?!
GEORGE: I don't know what's up with the cane, Jerry!
ELAINE: Did you get hurt? Are you having trouble walking?
GEORGE: I'm walking fine! I don't know where this cane came from, Elaine! (A beat) It is a pretty nice cane, though.
JERRY: It is. Could probably make a good buck if you sold it to the right person.
GEORGE: I'm not selling it.
JERRY: Why not?
GEORGE: Well, I mean, it's mine. It's my cane, Jerry, and I'm gonna keep it.
JERRY: It's your cane. You didn't even realize you had it until now!
GEORGE: Yeah, well, now that I've realized I have it I'm not gonna let it go!
JERRY: I'm just saying, don't you seem a little too attached to it?
GEORGE: Of course I'm attached to it. It's mine! And besides, when women see a man with a cane, you know what they see? Class. Regardless of how old, ugly, or bald a man is, if he's got a good cane, he's got class. Elaine, what's the first thing you think about a guy walking with a cane?
ELAINE: Trouble walking.
GEORGE: Alright, alright, but what's the second thing?
ELAINE: Blindness?
GEORGE: Come on, third thing.
ELAINE: (Shrugs) Class.
GEORGE: Ya see? Class. If I've got this cane, I've got class. I'm like a, I'm like a bona fide high class stud now, Jerry, and that's why I need this cane.
JERRY: That's how they get you, George! It starts out with the cane, next it's the co-caine.
GEORGE: Cocaine has class too, it is true. I'm not sure where to find some, but when I do, I'll be completely irresistible, Jerry. Completely. Irresistable.
WAITRESS: (Approaches table. Is JASMINE from the animated movie Aladdin, but dressed as a waitress, which she is) Is there anything I can get any of you?
JERRY: I'll just have some water, please.
ELAINE: Coffee.
GEORGE: Ya got any hot chocolate?
JASMINE: We do.
GEORGE: Then I'll have some, please.
JASMINE: Right away! (Exit JASMINE)
JERRY: Hot chocolate?
GEORGE: Yeah?
JERRY: With breakfast?
GEORGE: Yeah?
JERRY: (Gives ELAINE a look) Well, alright!
GEORGE: What, what's the matter with having hot chocolate with breakfast?
JERRY: No, there's nothing the matter with having hot chocolate with breakfast.
GEORGE: Alright, so what's the problem then? Why are you making such a big deal of me having hot chocolate with breakfast?
JERRY: No, there's no big deal, it's just unusual is all. For you.
GEORGE: Maybe I felt like changing things up a bit, huh? How 'bout that?
JASMINE: (Placing drinks) Water for you. Coffee for you. And hot chocolate for the gentleman. (Leaves)
GEORGE: See what I mean? (Pats cane) Class. (Sips hot chocolate) Ah. Damn fine cup of cocoa. Damn fine!
(Cut back to JERRY's routine at THE COMEDY CLUB)
JERRY: I had a friend, who tragically, is not with us anymore, but I had a friend once who would walk around with a cane. He had no knee problems, no back problems, but he just walked around with this cane he found because he thought it gave him class. Because, as everyone knows, the physically disabled are the classiest of the classy. If you've got a cane, and you open the door for a woman, addressing her as "M'lady", you'd better hope your back's not actually broken with the amount of puss you'll be slammin' later in the night, let me tell you! (No applause) So much puss. Forget the pussycat, you'll be the fucking pussylion! You'll be the Jaime fucking Lannister of puss-slammin'. Or so my friend thought. But every woman he hit on just helped him to cross the road, like a little old lady! But he held onto that cane, I'll tell ya. Held onto it to his last days…
(Cut back to the apartment. JERRY enters, walks to his fridge and pours himself a drink. He has a sip, then exhales contentedly. KRAMER enters suddenly)
KRAMER: Where's the box?
JERRY: Right there, K-man. Right where you left it!
KRAMER: (Walking to the box) Has it been opened? (Looks at the box. Looks at JERRY) Who opened it? Was it you?
JERRY: I didn't open it. I didn't even notice it was open! Although, now that you mention it, I do sense an unusually high amount of brotherly love in the air at the moment.
KRAMER: Ohhhhhh yeah, the brotherly love. Pittsburgh air, ha ha ha ha! Say, uh… have you seen anyone walking around with a slender, classy looking cane?
JERRY: Now that you mention it, George has been walking around with a new cane recently.
KRAMER: George?
JERRY: Yeah. He's not sure where he got it from, but he's really taken a liking to it.
KRAMER: He must have… got it from this box. (Scratches his head, visibly distraught)
JERRY: Ohhhhhh. So that's what was in the box. You big old liar!
KRAMER: I'm not a liar! There was Pittsburgh air in the box! There was just… also a very specific cane. (Sad sniffle) Why'd it have to be George?
JERRY: Aw, don't worry about it, I'll get him to give you your cane back.
KRAMER: Oh, no, it's his cane alright, not mine. I'll… I'll see ya later, Jerry. (Exit KRAMER)(Enter ELAINE)
ELAINE: What's up with Kramer?
JERRY: Something about the box. And the cane. Oh yeah, and George.
ELAINE: He seemed genuinely upset. (A beat) What the hell is the deal with that cane?
JERRY: I don't know, Elaine. (A beat) I don't know. You know, that's what was really in Kramer's box.
ELAINE: It's Kramer's cane?
JERRY: No, Kramer says it is George's. (A beat)
BOTH: What's the deal with that cane?
(Transition to GEORGE walking on the street. He bumps into MATT MURDOCK, aka DAREDEVIL, who had been tapping a cane ahead of himself)
GEORGE: Hey pal! What are you, blind? I'm walkin' here!
MURDOCK: (Brushing his chest) As a matter of fact, yes. I am blind. What's your excuse?
GEORGE: You see this cane?
MURDOCK: No.
GEORGE: Well, I'm disabled.
MURDOCK: No you're not.
GEORGE: What did you say?
MURDOCK: You appear to be perfectly fine. I assume you're just walking with that cane because you think it gives you… class?
GEORGE: Oh, if you weren't blind, buddy, I'd… (MURDOCK performs a sweeping kick towards GEORGE's legs, but GEORGE deftly leaps into the air, avoiding the attack, much to GEORGE's surprise)
MURDOCK: Right, you're physically disabled.
GEORGE: Oh, and you're so blind!
MURDOCK: I am. (Punches towards GEORGE's face, but GEORGE grabs him by the wrist and pulls him forward, ducking below his arm and turning, then swinging the cane to deliver a solid strike to MURDOCK's back. MURDOCK stumbles forward a couple steps, then takes a moment to regain his composure.)(Without looking back at GEORGE) Congratulations, asshole. You hit a blind man in public. (Starts walking away)
GEORGE: (Looking around at the accusatory faces of several onlookers) Didn't you see that? He's not blind! (They just shake their heads and walk away. GEORGE clenches his fist and continues walking himself, until he hears a voice from a window beside him)
?: George.
GEORGE: What? (Looks around for the person who addressed him, then his eyes stop at a familiar face in the reflection of a window) Oh, it's you again. Is it because of you that I was able to fight like that?
?: It was. But I must warn you; you shouldn't make a habit of getting into fights like that.
GEORGE: He started it! Ha! Blind man my ass.
?: No matter. If people around you start noticing that you suddenly gained the ability to kick the asses of others, our cover may get compromised.
GEORGE: Cover? Who needs cover? Do I need cover? Who the hell are you, anyways?
?: (The reflection adjusts it's glasses) My name is Ozpin. And there are people out there looking for me, and, by extension, you, George Coztanza.
GEORGE: What? Looking for me? Like, to kill me?
OZPIN: Yes. There's a killer out there, a killer that no one can pin down. No one knows who he is, except for me, with my ability to jump from body to body upon death. He killed me himself, but I saw his face. I know his name. Now, I just need you to bring me somewhere so I can reveal this person's identity to the only people who can stop him. Will you cooperate?
GEORGE: I mean, I guess. (A beat) So, as long as I don't get into too many fights, no one will suspect that I'm harboring you?
OZPIN: Correct.
GEORGE: Alright. (Shrugs) What's the harm in a little adventure? I don't have anything better to do, I suppose. (A beat) What's in it for me?
OZPIN: You shall take my place as the hedmaster of the prestigious school known as Bacon Adademy.
GEORGE: BACON ADADEMY? ME, THE HEDMASTER?
OZPIN: Yes.
GEORGE: I'll be fucking set! Oh, I'm gonna be rich! I assume there are many treasures within a school as prestigious as Bacon Adademy.
OZPIN: More treasure than you can imagine, and more valuable.
GEORGE: (Rubbing his hands together) Ooooooh, I can't wait! I gotta tell Jerry!
OZPIN: It's best if no one knows our secret.
GEORGE: Not even Jerry?
OZPIN: If one person knows, one person can tell someone else. Then multiple people know. That's how information spreads.
GEORGE: I'll tell him not to tell anyone else. Jerry is great at keeping secrets.
OZPIN: If it is your wish to jeopardize our mission like that.
GEORGE: (Thinking a moment) No, you're right. He wouldn't believe me anyways.
OZPIN: Precisely. So just keep everything the way it is, then tomorrow we embark on our journey.
GEORGE: And after everything's done, then I'll tell Jerry.
OZPIN: Indeed. (GEORGE continues walking)
(JERRY's apartment. Nighttime. JERRY and ELAINE are watching television when KRAMER swoops in through the door.)
KRAMER: Hey, is George coming tonight?
JERRY: He should be here any moment.
KRAMER: (Presses his hair back) Good, good. (Sits down)
ELAINE: Everything alright? You seem a little tense.
KRAMER: Tense?
JERRY: You need some Hennigan's?
KRAMER: You got some?
JERRY: (Standing up) I'll get you some. (Heads to his cupboard and pours KRAMER a glass of scotch, then gives it to him.)
KRAMER: Thanks, Jerry. I appreciate it, I really do.
JERRY: Don't worry about it! (There's a buzz on JERRY's intercom. JERRY walks over and pushes a button) Who is it?
GEORGE: It's George.
JERRY: Come on up! (Pushes other button. KRAMER tenses up and drinks his Hennigans)
KRAMER: No smell… no tell… scotch. (Wigs out a bit) Alright.
ELAINE: What's George been up to today, anyway?
JERRY: Beats me. Probably trying to pick up women with that cane of his.
ELAINE: Ugh, that cane.
KRAMER: That cane… That cane…
ELAINE: Where did you get that cane anyway, Kramer.
KRAMER: Oh, it was given to me.
JERRY: Who gave it to you?
KRAMER: (A beat) Nobody.
ELAINE: Why don't you want to tell us?
KRAMER: No, no no, that's his name! At least… that's what he told me his name was. It could be something like Jim or John, for all I know.
JERRY: So you don't know his name, then.
KRAMER: Nobody knows his name. By that I mean only he knows his name. And also nobody else.
ELAINE: So Nobody and nobody.
KRAMER: Exactly.
JERRY: What about Somebody?
KRAMER: Oh, somebody knows his name alright. Somebody that isn't Nobody. (A beat) And that's the problem.
JERRY: Well, why can't Somebody know Nobody's name?
KRAMER: Well, because he's Nobody. Nobody's not supposed to have a name!
ELAINE: I'm getting a headache. (Enter GEORGE, looking happy and excited. KRAMER pretends not to notice him)
KRAMER: Somebody's here.
GEORGE: And his name is George Fucking Coztanza!
JERRY: George, how's it going!
GEORGE: Oh, it's going great, Jerry! I wish I could tell you.
ELAINE: Oh, you can't keep a secret, George.
GEORGE: I know, but this one I gotta! This one I gotta.
KRAMER: (Nervous) Hey, George, you never said whether or not you wanted that gray hair solution the other day.
GEORGE: The gray hair… Oh, that's right! Yeah, I'll be needing that!
ELAINE: It a girl?
GEORGE: Oh, it's gonna be many girls, Elaine. Many, many girls.
KRAMER: (Standing up) Alright, George, I've got the stuff right here. (Starts approaching GEORGE)
JERRY: (Rolling his eyes) More snake oil.
KRAMER: No, no, this isn't snake oil, Jerry. This will cure George's hair problem once and for all! This is the fountain of youth for hair!
GEORGE: (Rubbing his hands together) Oh, I'm ready to wash what few hairs I have in the fountain of youth!
KRAMER: Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? Now before I give it to you, I'll tell you how to use it.
GEORGE: Alright, give it to me straight.
KRAMER: (Looking for something in his pocket) You'll have to apply it twice a day.
GEORGE: Uh huh…
KRAMER: Spend no more than five minutes on each application, and don't be too rough. Now, after the gel is thoroughly spread, you'll want to… (KRAMER quickly draws a knife and stabs it into GEORGE's gut. JERRY and ELAINE can't see. GEORGE looks at KRAMER in painful shock, unable to speak) wash it thoroughly. I know you don't have much hair to begin with, but… (Stabs again)
GEORGE: (Wordlessly mouthing the name) Kramer…
KRAMER: …that just means it won't be too difficult, you know. And, one more thing… (Stabs one last time) …I'm sorry, man.
ELAINE: Hey, what are you doing over there?
JERRY: Looks kinda like he's jerking him off to me. (KRAMER steps back)(GEORGE collapses to the ground) Wow, he jerked him off real hard! Look, he is doing the cum all over the floor! (GEORGE's blood begins to pool on the floor, out from under him)
ELAINE: Wait, Jerry, that is not the semen! That is the blood! (KRAMER turns around slowly to face JERRY and ELAINE, the bloody knife still out in front of him. JERRY and ELAINE are speechless. KRAMER drops the knife, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handgun.)
KRAMER: Jerry, we're going to your car. All of us.
JERRY: (Putting his hands over his head) What did you do it for, Kramer?
KRAMER: Shut up. We're going to your fucking car. (Backs to the open doorway, keeping his gun pointed at JERRY and ELAINE, then calls back over his shoulder.) NEWMAN! (Enter NEWMAN with a smile on his face.)
NEWMAN: Yes, Kramer?
KRAMER: You know what to do.
NEWMAN: Right. Stash George's body into my mail truck and deliver him to his parents.
KRAMER: (Nodding) They'll want the body. They'll want to give him a proper funeral.
NEWMAN: So they'll give him a proper funeral.
KRAMER: (Picking up OZPIN's cane) So they'll give him a proper funeral. Oh, and, uh, make sure his nipples end up at the address I gave you.
NEWMAN: Of course! (Looking at Jerry with an unwavering grin) Hello, Jerry.
JERRY: (Clenching his fist) Newman…
KRAMER: Alright, let's go! (And so they go)
(Back to JERRY at THE COMEDY CLUB)
JERRY: Here's the thing about killing another human being…
(Camera cuts to a table in the audience, where RUBY, WEISS, BLAKE, and YANG are sitting)
YANG: Confession time…
RUBY: He's totally the niplord.
JERRY: It's awful. You know, standing in front of you is this guy, this wonderful guy, who's always been so full of life, someone who's made your own so much better, so much funnier, and then the next moment, he's not there anymore. The body's still there, and it still looks like the person who once inhabited it, but your friend is gone. The body is only an object now. A lifeless object. And an object can't make jokes. An object can't get you caught in the middle of its poorly made plans, and then take part in the antics that follow. An object can't really be your friend. It's just an object. It just is. (A beat as JERRY wipes a tear from his eye) I'm sorry, that wasn't really a joke, but…
YANG: (Standing up) Hey, why do you cut their nipples off?!
JERRY: What?
RUBY: (Standing up) Why do you cut their nipples off when you kill them?!
JERRY: I… I haven't cut anyone's nipples off… I shot a guy, but…
WEISS: (Standing up) Forget why you cut their nipples off! Why are you killing them in the first place?
JERRY: Them? There's only been… Look, can I just get back to the jokes, please?
BLAKE: (Standing up) No, I think we've heard enough of your jokes!
JERRY: How about this one? What's up with airline food? (A beat as the audience starts to boo) Boners, that's what! (The audience begins to stand up, booing even louder. Some start throwing things up at the stage)(Grows quieter, and starting to sob) Boners. Ha ha ha. That's what… Boners… (Begins to sink to the floor) Boners…
(Cut to JERRY's car, with KRAMER driving through the pouring rain, JERRY in the passenger seat, and ELAINE in the back. Through the passenger's side windows, sand dunes are visible. They are near the ocean. Up to this point, most of the car ride has been in uncomfortable, tense silence. Everyone's eyes are red from crying)
JERRY: Did you have to kill him, Kramer?
KRAMER: Yes. That's what Nobody wants. Ozpin, the one who possessed George, has the ability to have his soul jump from one person to the next and act as a sort of Soul Dad to each host. And the problem is that Ozpin knows who Nobody is, so Nobody wants me to keep killing this guy until he's found a host that can't speak to anyone.
JERRY: So you're a hitman now!
KRAMER: In a manner of speaking, yes.
ELAINE: There is no "In a manner of speaking", Kramer! You are a hitman!
KRAMER: Alright, fine, I am a hitman! The words right outta my mouth! There, are you happy now?! (Silence)
JERRY: So where are you taking us, Kramer?
KRAMER: Away from the scene of the crime. Away from our old lives. We're on the run now, Jerry. For the time be... (KRAMER shrieks as he looks in the rear view mirror. The camera cuts to an angle over his shoulder to reveal OZPIN in KRAMER's reflection, expressionless, his eyes concealed by the light hitting his glasses. Everyone screams as KRAMER veers off the road. The car rolls over a few times, and then the screen goes black for a few moments. Then, slowly, the scene takes on the first person perspective of JERRY as he fades back into consciousness, eyes slowly opening, blinking a few times along the way, until they're fully open and he takes in the scene. The rest of the world is upside down. Or rather, the car is upside down, and JERRY is hanging from his seatbelt. He reaches for the buckle and unbuckles himself, sending himself to the roof of the car, down to the ground with a grunt. He looks off to the side and sees ELAINE lying in a pool of her own blood, face down, out by the roadside. A gun is on the ground right outside the driver's side door. JERRY crawls that way, grabs the gun, and struggles up onto his two feet.
JERRY: Kramer… (He looks down and sees a trail of blood leading towards the sand dunes. He shouts through the rain.) Kramer! (Thunder cracks as lightning strikes the unseen ocean) KRAMER! (He follows the trail of blood over the dunes and towards the ocean, shouting KRAMER's name as the rain pours around him. Down at the water's edge he finds KRAMER, looking to the ocean, arms outstretched, welcoming the tempest. In his right hand he holds OZPIN's cane)(Pointing the gun at KRAMER) Kramer!
KRAMER: You know, Jerry. I used to think my life was a comedy. Turns out, it's a fucking tragedy! (Slowly turns around and faces his old friend) Oh, good, you brought the gun. I was worried I'd have to tell you to go back and get it.
JERRY: Go back… and get it?
KRAMER: Well, yeah. Can't really shoot me to death without a gun, can you?
JERRY: (Easing the gun down) You want me… to shoot you?
KRAMER: Well, yeah.
JERRY: Why don't I throw it to you and you can shoot yourself?
KRAMER: No, I can't do that, Jerry! I could never harm anything as beautiful as my face! (Raises an eyebrow seductively, then breaks into tears) He's inside me, Jerry, and I can't get him out of me!
JERRY: Who's inside you?
KRAMER: Ozpin!
JERRY: I thought he was inside George!
KRAMER: He jumps from person to person at death, and only inhabits the souls of those who have Oz in their name. He was George COZtanza. I'm COZmo Kramer. I don't want to die, Jerry, but I can't live with him inside me! (He cries) What has this all been for, Jerry? If I didn't kill George, Nobody would have killed me! But now that George is dead, I have to die anyways. Could it be fate? (A beat) Do you believe in fate, Jerry?
JERRY: I believe that we'll all end up going where we're supposed to, eventually.
KRAMER: Well, I believe in fate. You know, I played a game called Tarot once, down at the Foxwoods Casino. (Looks up to JERRY with a sad smile) I won.
JERRY: You can't win at Tarot, Kramer.
KRAMER: Can't you?
JERRY: I don't know. I never really understood Tarot.
KRAMER: That makes you the winner, Jerry. Now, here, claim your victory.
JERRY: (Raises the gun, brings his finger towards the trigger, then brings it back down in hesitation) This is my victory? I… I don't want to shoot you, Kramer!
KRAMER: Come on, do it! You saw me gut George like a pig! You saw Elaine by the side of the road! I'm a bad man, Jerry! And I want to die! SO COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!? COME ON! KILL ME!
JERRY: You're my friend, Kramer!
KRAMER: And I'm your's, Jerry! But we've all got to go sometime! Besides, if you don't kill me now, Nobody will!
JERRY: Kramer…
KRAMER: I'll smell like the beach, Jerry. My body will smell like the beach, forever and ever. You remember that, Jerry?
JERRY: (Cracking a smile) The cologne…
KRAMER: Calvin Klein can't take this away from me.
JERRY: (A beat) You're sure?
KRAMER: I'm ready.
JERRY: (Raising the gun) Goodbye, K-man.
KRAMER: Goodbye, Jerry.
(JERRY pulls the trigger. As the first gunshot goes off, the "Live Air" version of the song "Shallows" by Daughter starts playing in the background. KRAMER staggers back, holding a hand to his chest. He brings it in front of his face and looks at the blood covering it. JERRY fires again, and once more KRAMER staggers back. He looks up at JERRY with a pained smile, then points up and behind JERRY to some point in the sky. JERRY screams at the rain as he shoots one last time, and KRAMER stumbles and falls back into the water. JERRY hurls the gun into the ocean and falls to his knees, crying. He looks up and sees the waves start to carry KRAMER's body away.)
JERRY: KRAMER! (JERRY runs into the waves and falls onto KRAMER's body, giving his friend one last embrace. He's soaked in blood and seawater as he lets the waves crash over them, the camera zooming out from above them. Further ahead of them, OZPIN's cane is carried away by the ocean…)
(Cut to the car wreck by the roadside. The camera is behind the car, with JERRY visible in the frame, walking towards it. He walks over to ELAINE, still lying by the side of the road, still covered in her own blood. He calmly kneels beside her, then puts a hand to her neck, checking for a pulse. JERRY smiles)
JERRY: Elaine… (No response. He lightly taps her on the cheek) Elaine. (ELAINE's eyes squint, and she looks up at JERRY)
ELAINE: Wh… where…
JERRY: It's alright, Elaine. It's over.
ELAINE: K… Kramer?
JERRY: (A beat) He's not with us anymore.
ELAINE: I… I see… (She tries to pick herself up, but her arms give out beneath her, her face splashing into a puddle)
JERRY: Hey, Elaine! (Helps her sit up)
ELAINE: I… I can't feel my legs, Jerry…
JERRY: You can't move them at all?
ELAINE: No, they're… they're completely unresponsive.
JERRY: Well, Elaine… I guess that makes you… E-lame.
ELAINE: E… Oh, you ass! (She hits him playfully. They both laugh as the camera zooms out from them.)
(Cut to a shot of JERRY from behind a pair of gravestones. JERRY looks at the gravestones with a smile on his face and flowers in his hand. He looks to the left as ELAINE enters the scene in a wheelchair, also carrying flowers. They smile. JERRY places flowers on the grave to the right, and ELAINE puts her flowers on the grave to the left. JERRY wipes tears from his eyes. ELAINE looks at him, and he breaks down in tears. ELAINE rolls next to him and hugs his arm as the scene fades back to JERRY's routine at THE COMEDY CLUB)
HECKLER 1: Jerry Seinfeld? More like Jerry SADFELD! (Throws tomato)
HECKLER 2: My dog can make better jokes than you, and he's just a regular dog!
HECKLER 3: Knock knock. Who's there? A guy with no career!
JERRY: I… I… (A beat) I have one last joke. And don't worry, it's a good one.
HECKLER 1: If you had a good joke the entire time, what the FUCK was the rest of this routine?
JERRY: One moment… (Goes backstage, then returns with a rope) Well how do you like that, I've got rope! (Throws it over a beam on the ceiling and begins tying a noose with the dangling end. He ties the other end around the handle of the door offstage. He looks around the stage at everything that's been thrown at him.) Hey, anyone want to throw a chair at me? (JERRY is bombarded by a bunch of chairs. One clobbers him in the head, sending him staggering backwards a little bit. He rubs his head in pain.) Thanks! (He puts a chair beneath the noose he tied, stands on it, and takes his shirt off. RUBY gasps)
RUBY: His nipples…
YANG: They're still there!
JERRY: I'm not going to kill anyone ever again, and that bastard's NOT taking my nipples. This… (He begins to cry, completely broken) This is the way it has to be…
RUBY: He's not the Niplord… (JERRY steps off the chair. The noose tightens around but does not break his neck, leaving him dangling, clawing at the rope as he chokes for air.)
HECKLER 1: BOOOO!
HECKLER 2: I'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE!
HECKLER 3: YOU'RE REALLY LEAVING US HANGING FOR THE PUNCHLINE!
JERRY: (As JERRY struggles, the face of JERRY SEINFELD is superimposed over the scene, looking out towards the camera. Calmly and slowly he says)
We
Live
Inside
A
Meme
(The face fades away)
(The members of Team RWBY look at each other, then Ruby heads towards the front of the audience. She holds out a hand, materializes her scythe, GRACEFUL DAHLIA, and cuts the rope, causing JERRY to fall to the floor. The angry audience begins to leave as she checks for a pulse. There is none. Next to JERRY, however, is a folded piece of paper. She picks it up and unfolds it. It's a message, which reads "Pick up where your friend left off. Kill those that carry the soul of Ozpin, or have your nipples severed and enjoy a slow death. –Nobody" RUBY drops the letter. Her friends approach her.)
RUBY: We had the wrong guy.
BLAKE: This… this is our fault, isn't it.
RUBY: Not entirely. He wasn't the Niplord, but the Niplord did have him on his strings. And he wanted to be cut free from those strings.
WEISS: I feel awful.
YANG: Is he… (RUBY just nods. YANG looks away)
BLAKE: He knew something, didn't he…
RUBY: But now, we'll never know what he knew.
?: There is one way to save him. (They all look back and see MULAN from the animated film Mulan approaching them)("Laura Palmer's Theme" from Twin Peaks begins playing in the background)
RUBY: Who are you?
MULAN: My name is Mulan. (Kneels beside JERRY and holds a hand over his chest. A light glows on her hand and his chest) Just as I thought. He holds the Animated Connection.
YANG: The… what?
MULAN: You can bring him back to life if you inject him with a substance known as The Ink.
RUBY: The… Ink?
MULAN: Yes, the ink that Walt Disney used to birth the Animated People. The ink that animators still use to bring us to life.
WEISS: How do we get that?
MULAN: Well, you can infiltrate the Disney Company HQ and try to steal some of it.
RUBY: That sounds… difficult.
MULAN: It would be. There is a second option, though. You can get it right from the source.
YANG: The source?
MULAN: (Nodding) He lives in this area. I was looking for him myself.
WEISS: So you want us to help you look for him?
MULAN: Yes. I've been looking for a long time, and all the evidence I've found has led me here.
RUBY: What's his name?
MULAN: (Shaking her head) I don't know. But he's here. In fact, I think he's already taken your friend with him. (RUBY, YANG, and WEISS look around)
RUBY: Wait a minute… Where did Blake go? ("Laura Palmer's" theme continues playing in the background as the credits play)
END of SEINFELD
(Post Credit's scene)
(Written in large letters across a shot of a coastline) THE AFRICAN COAST
(There are various nature shots of the African coast. All is calm. Waves lightly crash onto the shore. The wind blows the leaves of palm trees. Everything is bathed in the warm sunlight of a bright sun. The camera cuts to a lone ostrich, walking across the shore. He's a long way from the savannah, but something has brought him here. He stops walking. The camera cuts to a shot of his feet. In front of his feet lies OZPIN's cane)
OZZY THE OSTRICH: HONK! (Picks up the cane and walks away. OZPIN's reflection is briefly seen in the water)
TO BE CONTINUED