RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES
Written by Christopher Rangel
CHAPTER 8: WEISS DRINKS A GLASS OF MILK
"Just one more cadaver to put away, then we're all good for the night," said Albert Wesker the mortician.
"Sounds good to me," said Chris Redfield, putting down his copy of Cloud Mows the Lawn: An Erotic True Story by Tifa Lockhart. A pair of interns brought in the final cadaver and placed it on the examination table.
"Holy shit!" said Chris Redfield.
"What is it?" asked Albert Wesker.
"It's Jerry Seinfeld!"
"Ah, shit, that's right," said Wesker. "I gotta remember to leave a note on this one."
"Do you…" Chris began, "Do you think I can get an autograph?"
"It's a fucking corpse," said Wesker. "Of course you can't!"
"Oh yeah?" said Chris, "Then how do you explain this?" Chris Redfield cracked open Jerry Seinfeld's hand, now stiff from rigor mortis, and stuck a pen within its grip. He then took a piece of paper and guided the hand of what was once Jerry Seinfeld to sign it, the arm cracking with each rigid motion. The outcome was a series of scribbles that almost resembled the name "Jerry," although it looked a little closer to saying "Jerv."
"Jesus, Chris," Albert Wesker said, taking a couple notes on his clipboard.
"My most prized possession…" Chris Redfield said, looking at his "autograph" with pride. He put it in his pocket, then returned to an attitude of professionality. "Are you almost ready to go?"
"Almost," said Albert Wesker. He didn't look up from his clipboard when he said "Hey, I've been wondering. Were you named after who I think you were named after?"
"If you think I was named after the Godchris, Christopher Rangel, then you would be correct," said Chris Redfield from the beloved Survival Horror video game franchise Resident Evil. "My mommy knew I was special when I was born, and so gave me the name of a literal God. And there were times where I went by the name 'Chris R.', to make people be like 'Hey, could it be, literal God?' But those were the bad times. Back then, I was into dealing drugs and shit like that."
"Uh huh," said Wesker, half listening as he filled out the paperwork.
"I acted all tough, roughing people up and asking 'Where's my fucking money, Denny?!' But those days are behind me. I cleaned up, got my shit together, and now here I am with a more legitimate job."
"Proub of you, bub," said Wesker. He put down the clip board and said, "Alright, let's get him in there."
"Right," said Chris. Together, they hoisted the body of Jerry Seinfeld up and into the morgue freezer, then pushed it closed. Albert Wesker wrote "Do Not Dispose or commit necrophilia upon" on a sticky note and attached it to Seinfeld's drawer.
"Alright," said Wesker. "We're done here."
Cinder fingered circles around Squidward's chest as they lay together, partially (and tastefully) beneath the blankets of Squidward's king sized bed, the first lights of dawn breaking through the window and upon them. Squidward still had several of his tentacles within several of Cinder's orifices.
"My," said Cinder. "That was our best time yet."
"One of the benefits of being a returning customer," Squidward said with a smile, "Is it keeps getting better and better."
"Apparently," said Cinder. She sank a little further into the mattress, which pushed one of Squidward's tentacles further between her asscheeks. "You've been happier than usual recently, I've noticed. Anything happen recently?"
"Listen," said Squidward, putting a tentacle to his lips. Cinder stopped talking, and they both listened to the silence that surrounded them. "That is the sound of silence. It's an odd sound to hear around here, isn't it?"
"That's right," said Cinder. "Your neighbors made such a racket the last times."
"But not this time," Squidward said, sitting up with a wistful smile. "Not for a long time."
"Oh shit, that's right," said Cinder. "The Spongecum Incident."
"Executed immediately by Gandalf the White," said Squidward. "So the documentaries say."
"So that's why you're so happy," said Cinder.
"Overall, yeah," said Squidward. "Still, a part of me is a bit sad."
"Oh?" said Cinder.
"Yeah," said Squidward. "Most people don't really know this, but the three of us, me, Spongebob, and Patrick… we were all half-brothers. Sons of Cthulhu. But now I'm the only one left, the last piece of our father that exists on this plane of reality. When I'm gone… well, who knows what'll happen?"
"Well, I hope you don't go too soon," said Cinder.
"I appreciate it," said Squidward. He gave Cinder a big old squiddy kiss on the cheek. "That one was free of charge."
"Ha, thanks," said Cinder. There was some scratching on the cat door. "What was that?"
"What was what?" asked Squidward.
"There was a scratching sound on the door."
"I didn't hear it," said Squidward. The scratching returned, louder this time. "Oh, that's the cat."
"You have a cat now?" said Cinder. "I'd like to see it."
Squidward squinted his eyes. "I think it's time for you to go."
"Is there some reason you don't want me to see your cat?"
"She's blind," said Squidward. "And shouldn't be disturbed."
"Come on," said Cinder. "Just one peak."
"No," said Squidward.
"Is there something you're trying to hide?"
Squidward hesitated a moment before saying "No."
"Then what's the problem?" Squidward remained silent. "Come on, if you're trying to keep some sort of secret, you know I won't tell. Let me see it."
"Fine," said Squidward. "So long as you promise not to say anything about what you see."
"I promise," said Cinder.
"Alright," said Squidward. He got out of bed, his squidcock blowing in the wind of the draft. He walked to the cat door, Cinder walking behind him. He opened the door for Cinder to look in. Her eyes widened and she began to laugh.
"Oh my Godchris," said Cinder, chuckling. "That's perfect!" Her laugh cut the silence of the waking morning.
"Ruby…" Yang's voice came. "Ruby!"
"What?!" Ruby yelled back.
"You overslept! If you're late to class, Professor Port will try to fucking kill you!"
"Fuck, that's right!" said Ruby. She sniffed the air. Something smelled rather funky. "Where's Weiss?"
"She's already on her way there!"
"Oh…" said Ruby. She sat up. "Hey, what's that?"
"That?" Yang asked. She saw that her sister was pointing to a glass of milk that was left sitting beneath a bright desk lamp. "Oh, that. Weiss poured that, then decided she'd save it later. It's gonna cause one stank shit. Damn, I'm wet already." She turned back to Ruby. "Uh, yeah. So go get your ass in gear!"
"Got it!" said Ruby. Yang left the room, and Ruby got up and looked at the glass of milk. It was already starting to chunk up. She touched the glass. Not cold at all. "Fuck! Stay focused, Ruby. Stay focused," she said to herself, and she got ready to go as fast as she could, then left.
She ran across the campus of Bacon Adademy, her feet pounding against the ground like a horse cock pound-a-de horse puss, mon! In other words: hard.
"Where the fuck do you think you're goin', McRose?" came an antagonizing voice from behind her. She stopped and turned around and saw Biff Tannen standing there, arms crossed, goons to either side of him.
"Oh great," said Ruby. "You."
"You didn't answer my question," Biff Tannen said, taking a step forward. "I said, where the fuck do you think you're goin', McRose?"
"I'm trying to get to class, Biff," said Ruby. "I'm running late."
"Oh fuck," said Biff, stepping back. "Ya, my bad, get to class. Don't get yourself killed, lmao."
"Thanks, Biff," said Ruby. "I'll remember this." Biff Tannen and his goons waved her goodbye as she continued her epic quest to class.
Professor Port stood at the front of the room, clock ticking in his hand. Ruby suddenly burst through the doors and took her seat next to Pyrrha. Professor Port's clock went "Ding," and he dropped it into his pocket. He looked around the class.
"Looks like everyone made it on time," the Professor said. He sighed with disappointment, saying "Aw man. Well, on to today's lecture!"
"You had me worried," Pyrrha said.
"Sorry," said Ruby. "Overslept."
"I understand. Just… please. I don't want to lose another friend."
"Right," said Ruby. She started pretending to take notes. Cinder was listening in from a couple rows back.
"Any word on where Blake is?" asked Pyrrha.
"Not yet," said Ruby. Cinder smirked behind them.
"They'll never find her," Cinder whispered to Emerald.
"What are you talking about?" Emerald whispered back.
"Oh, y'know," said Cinder. "Were… you weren't eavesdropping on Ruby's conversation were you."
"Of course not," said Emerald. "Why the hell would I be eavesdropping on Ruby's conversation, I don't give a fuck!"
"I… I j… Aw, never mind," Cinder said.
"And that," Professor Port said at the end of his lecture, "Is how you get a bigger dick in three easy steps. If anyone has any questions, fuck off. I'm outta here." And with that, Professor Port fucked off.
"A bigger penis," said Flint Flossy. "That could come in useful. I shall do my best to obtain one, for Neon."
"For Neon," said the other surviving members of Team FNKI. They left the room.
Later on in the day, Ruby, Weiss, Yang, and Pyrhha gathered in the Bacon Adademy Food Court.
"So you're really gonna drink that glass of milk, right?" Yang asked. "Like, really really?"
"Yes, of course I am," said Weiss. "Why wouldn't I?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Yang.
"When I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something," said Weiss. "And I am going to drink that glass of milk."
"I'm gonna hold you to it," said Yang.
"Good," said Weiss, taking a sip of her water.
Pyrrha cleared her throat. "Alright, so do we have any leads yet as to where Blake might be?"
"Nope," everyone said. Pyrrha sighed, looking down at the table.
"Ooh, I have an idea," said Ruby.
"Shoot," said Yang.
"What if we try jumping into a TV?"
"Jumping into a…" Weiss began, "Ruby, what the fuck are you talking about?"
"I saw it in a documentary! It was about some people that solved and prevented murders by jumping into a TV!"
"We're not gonna solve this by jumping into a television, Ruby! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Yang yelled.
"Fucking idiot," Weiss said under her breath. "Throw yourself into a fucking TV, cunt."
"Well shit, alright!" said Ruby. "So what ideas do you geniuses have?" The table simmered to silence. "Yeah, that's what I fucking thought."
"Hey, bitches," Cinder said, not in a completely unfriendly way, as she passed.
"Hey, Cinder," said Ruby. "Hey, what's that on your neck?"
"Oh, what?" said Cinder, putting a hand on her neck.
"Looked an awful lot like a hickey," Ruby said with a wink.
"No hickey here, ha ha ha," Cinder said, walking away. "Your friend will never see the light of day again!"
"That was definitely a hickey," said Weiss.
"No," said Pyrrha. "Close, but it wasn't a hickey."
"What was it, then?" asked Yang.
"It was definitely a mark left by suction, but it was the wrong shape to have been someone else's mouth. No, it almost looked like… a suction cup."
"A suction cup?" said Ruby. "Like on a squid?"
"Yes, exactly," said Pyrrha.
"Hey, you know that PSA about sex work that's been popping up on hentaidotcom?" Yang asked.
"Ew," said Weiss, blushing.
"Oh, you mean the one where the squidman fucks a clownman?" Ruby asked.
"Gross," Weiss said.
"Yeah," said Yang. "Apparently, the squidman lives right here in Bacontown."
"Alright," said Pyrrha, "So Cinder fucked a squidman. What does that have to do with anything?"
"Don't you remember what Mulan said after Seinfeld's show? She said she believed the source of the Walt Disney Company's ink had something to do with Blake's disappearance. Now think… where does ink come from?"
"Ooh, I know this one!" said Ruby. "It's squids!"
"Exactly," said Yang.
"So you think that Squidward Tentacle-Hentai might know something about this," said Pyrrha.
"I do," said Yang. "And even if he doesn't, even if that's a false lead, we can still get some of his ink, revive Jerry Seinfeld, and possibly learn the identity of The Niplord, if he and Nobody really are the same person."
"Ladies, I think we're onto something," said Pyrrha. "Let's pay this squid a visit tomorrow. Until then!" She got up and left, and Ruby, Yang, and Weiss returned to their dorm.
Ruby closed the door behind them, and Weiss approached the glass of milk that had been left to fester beneath the lamp. The room smelled of cheese, and I'm not talking a delicious slice of Cabot yellow cheddar, no sirree. I'm talking bad cheese. Like, bad bad bad bad cheese.
"You said you'd drink it," said Yang. "You PROMISED you would drink it."
"Why are you making such a big deal out of it?" Weiss asked. "It's just milk."
"Well then bottoms up, girlfriend!" Yang said, giving her a slap on the back that sent her a step closer to the stanky stank milk.
"What… what brand was it?" Ruby asked Yang quietly.
"Garlic."
"You… you mean Garelick, right?" Ruby asked. Yang only chuckled.
Weiss picked up the glass and started drinking. She finished the glass like a champion, then put it down and smiled at her friends in satisfaction.
"Well done," said Yang.
"It was nothing," said Weiss. She walked away.
Several hours later Weiss walked to the bathroom and spent fifteen minutes spraying liquid shit into the toilet. Five times she had to flush, otherwise it would have overflown. Yang sat outside the bathroom door, fantasizing about what it would be like to put her head between Weiss's leg's, right beneath her filthy buttocks, having that stinky brown liquid gold poured upon her face like a dirty waterfall downstream from a town that constantly shits into the river. To let Weiss's wellspring into her through her mouth and her nose, Yang could think of no greater pleasure. Once Weiss left the bathroom, Yang stepped right in. On that night, she had what she would later refer to as her "Proudest fap."
TO BE CONTINUED