RWBY: A TALE OF TWO SCYTHES
Written by Christopher Rangel
CHAPTER 9: STEAMED CLAMS
Weiss looked through her reflection and out the window, tapping her feet. She'd been waiting almost fifteen minutes and her blind date still wasn't here. She looked back to the table, steepled her hands, and watched her coffee cool. Her waitress raised an eyebrow from the other side of the room. Weiss shook her head sadly, and the waitress carried on with her work.
There was a noise outside, so Weiss returned her attention to out there and watched as a flying motorcycle landed perfectly at the curbside. The rider wore a helmet, out of which emerged a glorious head of hair and a beard that screamed "I am a man who has a beard!" Could this be my date? Weiss wondered to herself. Her heart skipped a beat as the man stepped off the motorcycle and removed his helmet. She couldn't get a clear view of his face yet, but now that he was standing it was clear that he was a very tall, large man.
The large hairy man stepped into the diner and spoke to the host at the entrance. Weiss kept her eyes on her coffee as she saw the host point right at her, and in her peripheral vision she saw the man walk towards her.
"Weiss Schnee?" came the voice in a, deep, gruff, West County accent.
"That's me," said Weiss Schnee, looking up with a coy smile.
"Well, 'at's a relief, that is," said the hairy man with kind eyes, taking his seat. "Worried I was at the wrong table, I was." He extended his hand with a warm smile. "Name's Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid."
"Nice to meet you, Hagrid," Weiss said, shaking his large yet gentle hand. Over his shoulder Weiss could see the waitress looking her way again, and she nodded.
"Good morning," said the orange haired waitress with a nametag that said "Orihime from Bleach." "Is there anything I can get you to drink, aside from the water and coffee?"
"Aye," said Hagrid. "Could do with a little breast milk, I could."
"Oh, of course," said Orihime. She unbuttoned her shirt and let a single massive anime walrus titty careen from her shirt.
"Oh, well thank ye kindly," said Hagrid, and he began to suckle upon said tit. Weiss watched as Hagrid drank the milk from Orihime's big ol' boob, which it dribble across his massive beard and onto his neck. Hagrid looked up into Orihime's eyes as he drank her milk, and he thanked her again once he had had his fill.
"Well then," Hagrid said, wiping leftover milk from his beard. "Tell me a little about yourself."
"Well, I'm a Huntress for starters," said Weiss.
"No shit!" said Hagrid.
"Ye," said Weiss. "And I'm also a part of one of the wealthiest families in the world."
"Oh, well I don't give a shit about that, I don't," said Hagrid. "But the part about bein' a Huntress, well, that's cool as shit, it is."
"Oh," said Weiss. She blushed. He doesn't care about how rich my family is.
"Now me," said Hagrid. "I've got some powers of me own, I do. Have ye heard of people called 'Stand Users'?"
"Of course," said Weiss. "People who fight with psychic ghosts called Stands."
"Aye," said Hagrid. "I'll let yoo know aye'm a bit of a Stand User meself!"
"Really?" said Weiss.
"Aye!" said Hagrid. "Behold!「A Kind of Magic」!" A black and white humanoid Stand in a large brown wizard hat emerged from behind his back.
"Holy shit!" said Weiss. "What does it do?"
"Well," said Hagrid, "If I maintain eye contact with someone, like this," he looked Weiss in the eyes, "And say, 'Yer a wizard', followed by the person's name, then they become a wizard."
"Really?"
"Really," said Hagrid. "For example, if yer name were, say, Harry, and I looked you in the eye and said 'Yer a wizard, Harry,' then from that point on you would be a wizard, you would. Er a witch, if ye will."
"That's amazing," said Weiss.
"I'm also pretty good in the sack," said Hagrid, "If that scores me any points." Hagrid waited for a response, but at that point Weiss wasn't paying attention. "Alright, so I guess that don't score me any points, ey?"
"What?" said Weiss. "Oh, sorry, there's something I need to take care of."
"Oh!" said Hagrid. "Er, I see."
"Oh," said Weiss. "No, it's nothing against you Hagrid. It's just…" she wrote on a piece of paper and handed it to Hagrid. "Here's my number. Call me up sometime. For now, this is a matter of life or death."
"Oh," said Hagrid. "You want me to tag along?"
"No," said Weiss. "Sorry. Talk to you later."
"Alright," said Hagrid, putting her number in his pocket. "I'll hold ye to that, I will."
"You'd better," Weiss said with a smile. She stood up (with a bit of difficulty, due to the LEGEND TIER SHIT she had the night before), gave Hagrid a final goodbye nod, and walked out the door.
"You're not getting away that easily," Weiss said, "Mr. Squidward."
Keeping a careful distance, she followed Squidward to the Easter Island head he called home, then found a safe place behind a rock to stake him out at. She sent a text to Ruby saying that she had eyes on the squidman, then watched as Squidward fumbled with the keys to his own house.
"There we go," said Squidward, putting the correct key into the keyhole. He turned it, opened the door, and stepped into his home. From her vantage point, Weiss staked out Squidward's house, watching as much as she could through his windows, texting updates Ruby's way.
"What is Cinder doing there?" Weiss asked herself. Cinder came and went, and Squidward continued preparing to do… something…
Squidward watched the clock. Everything was ready for the arrival of the crab, which was due to occur any moment now. Mr. Krabs should have come in from his flight a couple hours ago, and they had agreed to meet for lunch.
There was a ring on the doorbell. Squidward got up and opened the door.
"Well Squidward, I made it," said Mr. Krabs. "Despite your directions."
"Ah, Mr. Krabs, welcome," said Squidward. "I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."
"Argh," said Mr. Krabs, taking his seat at Squidward's small dining room table. Squidward stepped into the kitchen, only to see the contents of the stove set ablaze and inedible.
"Gah!" Squidward gasped. "Oh, egads! My roast is ruined!" He walked over to the window and looked outside to the Krusty Krab beyond. "But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" he began to laugh. "Ho ho ho ho, delightfully devilish, Squidward." He opened the window and stuck one tentacle out to start climbing out of it when Mr. Krabs opened the door.
"Ahhh…" said Mr. Krabs. He furrowed his brow, then yelled "SQUIDWAAAARD!"
"Mr. Krabs!" Squidward said. "I was just, ah… stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?"
"Argh, why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Mr. Squidward?" asked Mr. Krabs.
"Um, oh!" said Squidward. "Oh, that isn't smoke. It's steam! Steam from the steamed hams we're having! Mmm, steamed hams!" Mr. Krabs stared at him with suspicion, then left the room. Squidward wiped the sweat from his brow with a huff, then hauled ass out the window and across the road to the Krusty Krab.
"Mr. Krabs, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering clamburgers!" Squidward said once he returned to the dining room. Mr. Krabs looked up as he was adjusting his napkin.
"I thought you said we were having steamed hams," said Mr. Krabs.
"D'oh, no, I said steamed clams! That's what I call clamburgres." Squidward said, putting the platter of burgers on the table and taking his seat.
"You call clamburgers steamed clams?" Mr. Krabs asked, skeptical.
"Yes, it's a regional dialect," said Squidward.
"Uh-huh," said Mr. Krabs. "Uh, what region, Mr. Squidward?"
"Uhhhhhhh, upstate New York?" said Squidward.
"Really?" said Mr. Krabs. "Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed clams."
"Oh, not in Utica, no," said Squidward. "It's an Albany expression."
"I see," said Mr. Krabs. Squidward took a sip of flirtatious water as Mr. Krabs sunk his crustaceous teeth into one of Squidward's burgers. "You know, these clamburgers are quite similar to the Krabby Patties we have at the Krusty Krab."
"Oh, no," Squidward said with his honking laugh. "Patented Tentacle-Hentai burgers. Old family recipe."
"For steamed clams."
"Yes," said Squidward.
"Yes," said Mr. Krabs. "And you call them steamed clams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled." Mr. Krabs showed Squidward the grill marks on his burger.
"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second," said Squidward.
"Yes, of course," said Mr. Krabs. Squidward stepped back into his kitchen, now a raging inferno with smoke pouring out from the door. Mr. Krabs was eating his "steamed clam" as Squidward stepped back out, yawning and saying, "Oh well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."
Mr. Krabs removed the napkin from his collar and started to stand up. "Yes. I should be-" He stopped when he noticed the flame pouring out of the door as it closed. "Great Neptune! What is happening in there?"
"Aurora Borealis," Squidward said, somewhat unsure.
"Aurora Borealis…" Mr. Krabs said, indignant. "…at this time of year at this time of day in this part of the country localized entirely within your kitchen?"
"Yes," honked Squidward.
Mr. Krabs thought for a dumbfounded moment. "May I see it?"
"Yes," said Squidward. "Just close your eyes as we walk in. Don't want to ruin the surprise, after all."
"Of course, Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs, closing his eyes. Squidward took Mr. Krabs's claw in his tentacle and walked with him into the burning kitchen. Very little could be seen through the smoke, but Squidward led Mr. Krabs up a mobile staircase that hadn't been there before.
"Mr. Squidward," said Mr. Krabs as they stepped up the steps, "I just wanted to let you know that your ad has made me a fuckton of money. I appreciate it so much,"
"I'm sure you do," said Squidward. "I just would have appreciated a little more of that money. Just like, a little more."
"Oh, well sure," said Mr. Krabs. "But I gave you all I could spare. I only JUST became a millionaire. If I had given you even another dollar, I would still have just been ALMOST a millionaire."
"I see," said Squidward. He sighed as they made it to the final step. "I just wish I could have afforded that toy for my poor blind cat."
"Oh, well, there's more money to be made Squidward, just you see!"
"Mm hm," said Squidward. His face was blank. "Open your eyes, Eugene."
Mr. Krabs opened his eyes. "Wh… what is the meaning of this, Mr. Squidward?" he said as he looked into the massive vat of boiling water. "This ain't no Aurora Borealis!"
"No, but this is where your greed leads," said Squidward.
"Mr. Squidward!" said Mr. Krabs. "You… you've set your house on fire just to boil me alive!?"
"It's the only way I could get a fire hot enough to boil a pot of water this size!"
"Mr. Squidward, get me down from here right this instant, or you're FIRED!"
"If you insist, Mr. Krabs," said Squidward, and he got him down from there with a shove right into the boiling waters bellow. Squidward watched Mr. Krabs's shelled body writhe and cook in the boiling water, slowly transforming into a photorealistic crab in true Spongebob Squarepants fashion. Squidward smiled calmly and spat into the pot, then went down the stairs, into the main room, and unlocked the door where he kept his poor, blind cat.
"Hey, kitty kitty," said Squidward. There was a grunt from the other side of the room. "We need to get out of here, okay? Just let me undo these chains…"
"Ladies and gentlemen," said a female voice from behind him. "We got him." Squidward slowly stood up and turned around.
"You've got... nothing," said Squidward. "I'm the one who's got you!"
"What?" said Ruby. She, Weiss, and Yang looked around, and, just a moment too late, saw the long, long tentacles that had been positioned around them.
"Shit!" said Weiss. "He knew we were coming!" Then the tentacles wrapped around the team's bodies, constricting them, and knocking them out with the chloroform filled napkins that each one held.
"I only wanted one of you," Squidward said. "Just one good, blind little cat. But now, it looks like I get the whole set that Nobody offered." He turned to his "cat." "Time to go, sweetie. Let's get out of here." He started walking towards the door, his cat behind him on a leash, and the three members of Team RWBY wrapped in his tentacles. He stopped as Weiss's phone started ringing. He regarded it for a second, then just kept walking, off towards the dark forest beyond.
TO BE CONTINUED