If I could tell her

Tell her everything I see

If I could tell her

How she's everything to me

But we're a million worlds apart

And I don't know where I would even start

If I could tell her

~If I Could Tell Her, Dear Evan Hansen

Chapter Fifteen: If I Could Tell Her

When Elsa woke again, she was lying on a couch in a strange room. It took a few moments for her to orient herself, for her to remember coming to Merida for comfort in the midst of her nightmares and memories. Elsa let out a breath and sat up, looking around to see if her friend was in the room. Merida was missing, but Elsa assumed that she was probably in the bathroom or getting food from the kitchen.

Elsa picked up her phone from where it was lying on the floor and checked the time: 8:04 am. There were several missed calls from her mother until they mysteriously stopped at 7 am on the dot. Then there was a message from Marshall, stating that Merida had informed him of the situation, that he had informed her parents, and that he would be at the Dunbroch residence soon.

Elsa set her phone down beside her and raised her arms above her head in a stretch. After the events of last night, she was both exhausted and wide awake. She felt restless but deprived of energy. She didn't know what she would do with herself for the day. Take a walk? Go to the archery range with Merida, perhaps? Go to the skating rink? Usually, going to the skating rink always helped, but with the memories of her childhood abuse swirling around in her head, she wasn't sure that doing the moves her former coach had taught her would be beneficial. Maybe she would just sit on the couch all day and watch bad television. What was the show that Anna had taken to mentioning in her emails the past few years? Love Island?

Elsa's phone buzzed beside her. She was tempted to ignore it, assuming it was just her mother once more was attempting to get a hold of her, but in the end, she picked it up and looked at the message. It was from Jack.

Are you alright? You seemed pretty shaken up yesterday.

Jack was worried about her. Elsa was confused at the warmth that filled her chest at the thought, at his text. She shook her head and typed out a reply.

It's difficult to explain.

A moment later, he replied: Do you want to talk about it?

Elsa paused. Did she want to talk about it? Kind of. She was comfortable talking about it to Merida. She wanted to tell Anna to explain the situation, but at the same time, she didn't want Anna to know about that dark part in her childhood. She was terrified of the information getting out and into the skating community. She was terrified of the thought of articles and interviews. She just wanted to skate.

Merida came into the room then, carrying a plate of pancakes. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," she teased. Elsa attempted a faint smile. At the concerned look on Merida's face, she guessed it didn't work.

"What's wrong, Els?" Merida asked, sitting down beside her. She set the plate down on the coffee table and turned to face Elsa.

Elsa sighed. "I just wish it hadn't happened." She didn't have to elaborate on what this was.

"I think we all wish that," Merida said.

"But not just that, that it was this horrible thing. And it was. But everything that came after it. It's so confusing." Elsa reached for a pancake and began shredding it between her fingers. She stuffed a piece in her mouth, chewing so that she couldn't continue talking.

"What do you mean?" Merida asked. Sometimes, Elsa was surprised at the gentleness Merida handled her with. Sure, she could be rowdy and loud, but when it counted, she knew when to listen and be soft.

"Everything. My parents sending me away. Being separated from Anna. This dark cloud that just… looms over me. Sometimes, I wish that there was this parallel world that I could go to, one where I was never abused and I was normal. I went to public school and met Anna's friends, and they became my friends. I didn't have a bodyguard following my every move. I didn't have a fucking stalker!" Elsa's voice grew as she spoke, her hands tightening around the pancake. It was smashed inside her fists, but she didn't care. All of a sudden, she let out a giant breath and let the pancake drop to the coffee table. Her hands fell to her knees, and she hugged them to her chest. "But then these other great things wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have met you, wouldn't be on my way to the Olympics."

"You don't know that," Merida said. "You're so talented. Mam would have found you eventually."

"But you don't know that," Elsa argued. "I just hate feeling like I… like that had to happen to me in order to be the person I am today."

"But that's not what made you the person you are today," Merida said. Elsa groaned and let her head drop to her knees.

"I don't know. I really don't know," Elsa said. Her phone buzzed again, the message Jack sent her lighting up the screen. Had it only been two minutes?

"Jack? That's Anna's friend, isn't it?" Merida asked. Elsa looked up and hoped dearly that her face was a normal color.

"Yes, we're friends as well. At least, I think we are. He helped me out yesterday, at Anna's party," Elsa said. She glanced down at her hands, her intertwined fingers. She heard the smirk in Merida's voice when she next spoke.

"Friends, eh? Is he why you haven't been spending as much time with me?"

Elsa shot her friend a look. "It's barely been three weeks!"

Merida snorted. "I'm kidding, Els! Though, clearly, you're a little sensitive when it comes to this 'Jack.'"

"No, I'm not!" Elsa said hotly. Merida laughed loudly.

"Okay, okay! Fine!" She sobered slightly and looked down at Elsa's phone. "Are you going to answer him?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out," Elsa mumbled, face to her knees once more.

"What's holding you back?"

"I don't know what to say."

"In the text?"

"No! To him… what am I supposed to tell him? And what do I tell him that he won't tell Anna?" Elsa asked. Her thoughts began to spiral once more. Merida took her friend by the shoulders. She forced Elsa to look her in the eyes.

"You tell him what you want to. Nothing more," she said firmly. Elsa nodded and picked up her phone to ask Jack to meet her.

Merida had only been gone a few minutes, having dropped Elsa back off at home, when Jack's car pulled into the driveway. Elsa sat on the front steps of her porch, looking at the street. Every once in a while, a car would drive past. The street wasn't extremely busy in the residential neighborhood, but Elsa enjoyed the movement nevertheless. She watched as Jack got out of his car and made his way to her. He stopped a few feet away from her and nervously nodded his head at the step below her.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked. Elsa nodded her assent. Jack sat down. He took a breath, then turned to face her.

"I can't explain everything," Elsa began, "for a few reasons. One is that I don't like talking about it. It makes me nervous and gives me nightmares. You probably noticed that yesterday, though. Another is that you're Anna's best friend, and… Anna doesn't know any of this."

"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

"I mean that she was really little when everything happened, and my parents decided that it would be best that she didn't know. And I don't want you to feel torn between keeping my secret and telling your best friend something," Elsa said.

"Okay, first of all, I keep secrets from Anna. Only important ones, but I keep secrets. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean we tell each other about other people's business. Second of all, you don't have to tell me anything," Jack said earnestly.

"I know. That's why I want to, at least a little," Elsa said. She looked down at her hands, gathering up the courage to begin the story. She jumped when she saw Jack's hand lay on top of her own, felt the warmth and pressure of his palm over her skin.

"I think I can guess. You don't have to talk about it," Jack said softly. Tears sprung to her eyes. Elsa willed them down, but one escaped anyway. She took in a harsh breath.

"It was that old skating rink, the one that was torn down," Elsa said. "And the coach who worked there. He's in jail now." Jack nodded, eyes never straying from her face.

"Why can't you tell Anna? She's an adult now. She can handle it, and she's concerned about you."

Elsa bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. "I know. I know. But I can't. My parents won't let me."

"Seriously?" Jack raised an unimpressed eyebrow. Elsa fumed.

"Don't 'seriously' me. You don't know what it's like. You have no idea what I've been through. You don't know the therapy, the counselors, the family sessions with my mother and father. None of it worked. That's why I was sent away. Because they couldn't handle their guilt at never figuring out something was wrong. They didn't want to see the shell of their perfect daughter, so they pretended that I was just so perfect that some fancy boarding school wanted me. And then I did become that perfect. I became that perfect so that everything that had happened before would disappear. Who cared what happened to me when I was four if I could go to the Olympics at age twenty-two? I could bury it. And bury the little girl with it. I am what they made me into. Arendelle Academy, the perfect skater. My parents, the perfect daughter. But I'm not perfect. It hurts so much. And what hurts the most is that I have to hide it all from Anna and be the perfect sister."

Elsa laughed bitterly. "But of course, I was never the perfect sister. Anna hates me, and I don't blame her. God, you think that I want to keep this a secret from her? To lie to her and treat her like a child? It's not my choice, but God, what I'd give to tell her… to tell her that I never wanted to leave. That I wish I could've been the big sister she deserved. The one who was always there, both physically and emotionally. I would give it all up—the trophies, the fame, my skating, everything. None of it matters in comparison to her. But I can't… and even if I could, she wouldn't understand. Not why I hid it this long."

"Elsa…" Jack said. He didn't say anything else, at a loss for words. Elsa looked up at him, tears in her eyes. She didn't bother to stop them from falling this time.

"Tell me how to fix it, Jack," she said. "Tell me how to fix everything, and I'll do it. I'd do anything for my sister. But I've already lost her. I lost her before I came back. Hans was the final shovel of dirt over our sisterly relationship, but I was the one who dug the grave. It's too late, isn't it?"

"If you just told her…" Jack began, knowing that it wouldn't make a difference. Anna had been pulling away from Elsa for a while. Neither sister had realized it was all.

"If I told her, she'd hate me even more." Elsa sighed, then stood up. Jack's hand fell back to his side. She gave him a weak smile.

"Well, I hope this answered your question," she said and turned to go inside her house.

"Are you alright? Really?" Jack asked. Elsa stood with her back to him, hand on the front door. She let out a humorless laugh.

"Of course not. But I'll live. I always do." She went inside and locked the door behind her.