A/N: Sorry if there are typos. I was falling asleep proofreading. With any luck you will get another update on Faces and Fire and the Flood soon!
"What are you talking about?" Casey frowned, "I just don't remember the accident..."
Alex couldn't speak. She felt as if all the air had been sucked out of her. Maybe it had been a naive notion, but she thought if Casey could just wake up that everything could be okay, but now her world was in a free-fall. As if seeing her distress, Owen jumped in, "What is the last thing you remember?"
"I-" she hesitated as she looked at Alex again, now noticing major differences in her. "I proposed. You said yes. We watched the sunset and headed home..."
Alex smiled in sympathy. It was a happy memory. Part of her wondered if Casey just didn't want to remember the last conversation, but that wouldn't cause her to forget their kids.
"Eight years?" Casey questioned again as she looked between the two, "What has happened?" She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't even know exactly what caused her to wind up in the hospital minus rob her of memories.
"I'm going to talk to Amelia. She's in surgery, but maybe we can get some tests rolling." Owen stated as he squeezed his sister's foot. "Just talk to Alex till I get back."
Like a broken record, she asked a ghost white Alex again, "Who is Amelia? What has happened?"
"A lot," the blonde whispered placing her hands over her face causing Casey to notice her wedding band. "I'm sorry, I've barely recovered myself-"
"We got married," Casey interrupted in a slightly hysterical tone of voice, "I can't remember it. I can't remember anything!"
"Case," Alex sighed as she scooted closer to the bed, "It will be okay. I'm sure it will."
Trying to believe her despite her growing anxiety, she nodded, "So we are married?"
"Yes, we are married and have three children...one just days old."
"Three? Days old?" Casey asked as she laid back down placing her hand on her pounding and aching bandaged head. It seemed the more she tried to remember, the more pain coursed through her, "What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I remember?"
"You suffered a lot of trauma to your brain in the accident. You had a brain bleed and bad swelling. They had to operate, it was touch and go for awhile now."
"How long?"
"Almost a week..."
Casey looked at her again, "You said we had a child that was days old. Were the children in the car? Are they okay?"
"The kids are fine. I was seven months pregnant. There was a problem with my placenta and they had to take him out for his and my safety. He is in the NICU but doing well."
The information was overwhelming, and suddenly her head began to pound uncontrollably. "My head feels like it could burst," Casey cried as she grabbed at the bandages trying to get relief.
"I know it hurts, but you need to leave the bandages alone," Alex snapped. She didn't mean to sound cruel, she just didn't know what to do. They'd never been in a situation like this and not knowing how to fix it was daunting. Watching the woman she loved suffer even if she was hurt by her, was breaking her in two. "Seriously, stop," she almost begged, "You are going to rip open stitches. You are sutured in a few places."
"It hurts," Casey cried out louder as she twisted in the bed, "Make it stop. Alex, please-" she pleaded with a red tear streaked face.
Although, Alex didn't know what to do. She didn't have the answers this time. In every argument they'd had over the last year she felt like she knew what needed to happen to fix the mess, but now she felt helpless. And seeing her wife in pain, crying and begging for her to take that pain away just escalated every emotion she had. Standing she moved to sit on the edge of the bed as Casey squirmed.
In the calmest voice she could produce she stated, "I can't fix the pain, but I'm going to try to help you calm down. That might help some. So, I'm going to lay with you like I did when you had the flu in January."
She was referring to the January right before Casey proposed. It had been the only way the redhead could sleep during that time. Seeing the connection in her wife's mind she continued, "You can't thrash into me, I've had a c-section. So you have to be gentle even if the pain gets worse. Okay?"
Casey nodded in understanding as she moved slightly for her wife to join her. As soon as Alex had positioned herself next to her on the bed, she curled into her. The blonde's proximity didn't remove the pain, but it at least made it more manageable. It gave her something real. It gave her Alex.
Her smell. Her warmth. The way she ran her nails lazily down her back when they snuggled.
Relaxing as she finally began to feel secure, Casey whispered, "Tell me about our life. Was it all we dreamed it would be?"
"No, but it never is..." Alex confessed sadly.
"That's okay," She whispered as she moved her head to Alex's chest, "I don't need a life of dreams to be happy. I just need you."
Her words felt like knives digging into Alex's heart. It was as if Casey completely reverted back to the woman that proposed to her. As if her Casey had died in that crash. She'd vanished and now Alex had the original to start over with...
And in that moment she knew she didn't necessarily want to start over. She knew she'd miss their squabbles and Casey's silly ways of trying to make things up to her. Feeling tears again escape her eyes, she realized the thought of never being able to talk to that version again left a huge hole in her heart.
Maybe this was God's way of punishing her for her thoughts of running. By taking her memories of what Alex wanted to leave. She wanted a divorce so he removed the problem. Although, now she recognized that maybe that wasn't what she really wanted.
Drying her eyes, she explained, "We have a daughter, she's five. Her name is Christine Diane."
Casey sighed contentedly against her chest, "I know our moms love that name."
"You are right," she replied with a genuine smile at the memory, "And we have a son, Conner Andrew, he's two."
"After our fathers. Weren't we cute in naming," she replied sleepily as she began to settle, "What's the baby's name?"
"He doesn't have one. We hadn't decided yet." Alex admitted.
"Probably because we ran out of the easy ones. Well, what does he look like?" Casey asked as she nuzzled in deeper. The sound of the blonde's heartbeat was helping to slow her waves of pain.
"He looks like you," she replied, "He's just tiny. He was only 31 weeks at birth."
"Name him something that means strength," her wife mumbled in a tone highlighting how she'd been overtaken by sleep. "Or something that means brave."
Watching her wife fall back asleep, Alex brushed her fingers through her long red hair. It had been tied up on her head, but the thrashing around in pain had caused it to become undone. It amazed her always how beautiful she could look while sleeping.
"I love you," she whispered as she continued to run her fingers through her wife's hair getting an incoherent mumble in return. Noticing that she'd fallen asleep, Alex continued in the quietest of tones, "And I'm really sorry."
"I know this is scary," Dr. Shepherd began as she stood in the front of the imagining room addressing Alex and Diane with Casey's scans projected behind her, "but the brain is a complex system. Casey's hemorrhage occurred here," she said pointing to a section of her wife's brain from the scan taken the night she came into the ER, "The damage was contained to the medial temporal lobe. Although, the bleeding and swelling were so severe that I was afraid she wouldn't make it off the table. See how this entire area was affected - its why I was concerned that it would affect her brain stem function after surgery."
Realizing they were struggling to follow, she tried to help, "Casey's injury was severe but she survived. So, while I know the loss of memory is concerning, I would take it as a win that she is even awake, talking, and remembering anything."
Alex turned her back on the images as she angrily ran her hands through her hair. She was happy Casey was alive, but she wanted her back to normal. She wanted to know that everything might be okay.
Seeing her daughter-in-laws frustration, Diane stepped in, "Will her memory come back?"
"Her new scans show that the bleeding is still under control," Amelia answered as she indicated the now clear tissue on the scans taken that day, "and that the swelling is subsiding. And there doesn't appear to be any permanent tissue death. However, that doesn't mean her memory will return. She is suffering from retrograde amnesia and memories don't always return when lost."
She paused to watch her patient's family. Casey's mother seemed to be trying to come to terms with the news, whereas her wife seemed like a total wreck. Realizing this approach still wasn't helping, she tried, "I know this is hard, but you have to remember you still have Casey-"
"I agree," Diane affirmed as Alex snapped-
"That's easy for you all to say, but my kids basically just lost a mother, and I lost something too...I just want her memory to return! And you are telling me to just be thankful, I am, but I'm also heartbroken at the same time..."
Sitting back down, Alex knew she wasn't being fair to anyone in the room. No one but her mother knew what she'd asked of her wife right before the accident. Although, deep inside despite the fact that the woman she fell in love with was still alive, she wished she could have just one more day with her before eight years vanished from her memory. Just one more day to laugh about trips they'd taken, or holiday fiascos. They'd built an intricate, difficult, challenging life together over the course of eleven years and now Casey could only remember three of them. No one else could relate. Diane only lost eight out of thirty-six.
Seeing Alex's state, Amelia sat down in front of her. "It's not easy for me to say. I don't want you to misunderstand my ability to sympathize. It's just this is what I do, neurosurgery, I see and fix issues everyday. Yet, my brother, my hero, died from a very similar bleed like your wife's. He too was injured in a car accident and I couldn't save him. I wish he'd made it off the table and survived with amnesia."
And there it was, the harsh reality that she could have lost Casey forever. It was an idea that haunted her. One she'd have to learn to process slowly. Looking towards the scans, she suddenly had a new wave of angst hit, "Is anything else damaged? Is she through the worst of it? Do I need to worry?"
Seeing that the blonde was finally ready to hear the rest of her test results, Amelia picked up her tablet and continued as she stood, "The swelling is subsiding, however, we need Casey to remain calm and stress-free. It's why she wasn't invited to this information hearing. I'm having her placed on anti-anxiety meds to control her fear output. She seems to be getting overwhelmed very easily which is causing her blood pressure to skyrocket. That's what caused the intense head pain you witnessed last night, Ms. Cabot."
"She hates pills," Alex said with a head shake.
"You'll make her take them," Amelia deadpanned, "Until all the swelling has subsided she needs to take all her medication and try to limit her stress. If the swelling increases it could cause her to have a seizure which could result in another bleed."
"Can she be around her children?" Diane asked, "What about her job? She loves to work."
At the mention of her wife's job, Alex shot her mother-in-law a look, "Work can wait. I've got Melanie handled for the time being."
"I understand Casey's job is a very important one," Amelia interjected, "And, the injury might not affect her work abilities as much as we might all fear. She knows her stuff, I mean look around, but if it will produce stress she should wait a little bit. As for your children, absolutely let her see and be with them. But just know Alex that you will probably be doing a lot of the heavy lifting for a while. So maybe ask friends and family to help until the baby is home, and you are feeling 100 percent."
And that was it, Alex had her answer. She needed to worry. The only thing was her amount of worry was surpassing Casey's health.
Casey knew what she loved, Alex and work. She didn't know their children and when she did she barely spent enough time with them. What would improve that now?
"I'm going home tomorrow morning," Alex told her wife as she sat on the end of the hospital bed on the neurology floor playing cards with her. Dr. Shepherd had suggested it as a way to help gently work Casey's brain after moving her from the ICU the day before due to her stability. "My doctor says she wished she could let me stay longer, but medically there isn't a reason to keep me..."
Casey paused staring at her cards before setting them down and looking up. "Are you okay going home?"
"Yeah," she whispered, "I'm just worried about leaving the baby."
A look of confusion washed over Casey's face, only for her to close her eyes with a small shake of the head. "I know we have children. You've told me. You are in the hospital because of the baby. But," she paused looking tearfully up into Alex's deep blue eyes, "I keep forgetting. It's like because I haven't truly seen them like they aren't real or something."
"Do you want to go see him?" Alex whispered softly as if to not be overheard by hospital staff.
"Am I allowed to?"
Alex smiled mischievously, "I bet I can make it happen."
Setting her cards down, Alex stood and left the room with ease. Casey was really jealous of her ability to move so easily. If she stood to walk to the bathroom she got dizzy. Her doctor assured it would pass with time, but she feared it might not. And if it didn't how would she do the things she loved like sailing and snow skiing.
Looking out the window, she watched the rain splatter the pane. It reminded her of how she and Alex loved to snuggle in bed on rainy days watching Hallmark movies and eating takeout. Yet, she had to tell herself that was eight years ago. It made her wonder how much had changed in their world. She'd seen how much Owen and Kim's lives had changed after having their daughters Grace and Emma. Had her and Alex's lives changed just as much?
"I hear you want to travel these fine halls," Dr. Shepherd's voice interrupted her thoughts.
Casey looked in the direction of the friendly brunette and her wife, "Yes, I'd like to see our baby."
"I will happily grant that request," Amelia said walking in the doorway as Alex pushed a wheelchair in from the hallway. "The only condition is until the dizziness passes that you use a wheelchair to move down to the NICU. Also, if at anytime you feel dizzy while down there, you must have the NICU staff page me. I will come and get you or send one of my interns. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Casey replied a little nervously.
"All your other restrictions for walking continue until I clear you. However, the swelling is decreasing at a decent rate. I expect that it should subside soon. Do you have any questions?"
"No, I think I've got it."
"Alright, well enjoy him," the doctor replied as she turned and left the room.
"You ready?" Alex asked as she pushed the wheelchair to the bed.
Casey smiled weakly, as she stood and moved slowly to her chariot, "This isn't how I imagined meeting our child for the first time."
"I understand that," Alex said moving her around in the room slowly, "I figured we'd be in labor and delivery like with the first two."
"I keep forgetting," She said with a sigh, "I think that will be better when I meet them."
"Maybe," Her wife replied heading towards the elevators near the catwalks. It was the fastest way down to maternity.
Casey took in her surroundings as they moved to the elevators. Once they were past patient rooms, and out in the open space that overlooked a big expanse of stairs and open catwalks she smiled at the brightness of the space. It was actually beautiful with all the windows and being able to see the magical weather that was this emerald city.
"I know it's just a building but wow it's beautiful," she gasped. "The modern architecture is fantastic."
Alex rolled her eyes at the redhead, "Well, you should like it."
"Why's that?" It was the most innocent question, and at the same time it hurt Alex to hear it.
Frowning, she squeezed her wife's shoulder before pushing her to the glass banister to get a better look, "Because you designed it."
The words stole her breath as she looked over the open area flowing down to the main lobby of the large new looking hospital. "I did this?"
"Yeah, you did."
"When?" She gasped.
"About seven years ago. Owen knew the then chief and got you in for an initial meeting. You won them over completely with your ideas of how sunlight helps heal."
Casey beamed at the information. Her eyes sparkling with the knowledge she had designed something so fantastic. "Wow, I only ever dreamed of jobs like this...what else have I done?"
And there it seemed to already start, or at least that's how Alex felt about her wife's obsession with her work, "Lots, but I can show you when you get out of here." With that she pulled her away from the rail and to the elevators.
Sitting silent, Casey felt her mind explode with new questions, "Is it still Novak Architecture?"
Pushing her wife onto the elevator she replied, "Yes."
Casey was speechless with her accomplishment. She'd designed a stunning hospital and more. It made her wonder if she was a household name, at least in the architectural world. "Do people know my work?"
"Yes," Alex sighed as the doors opened allowing them to enter the maternity ward. Buzzing herself in past the front desk to patient only zones, she was thankful Casey's questions seemed to suddenly fade. She didn't want Casey's job to cloud this moment.
Reaching the NICU, Alex waited for the nurses to come let them inside. "Are you ready?"
"Honestly?" She asked in a hushed voice.
"Yes," Alex laughed looking down at the suddenly ashen redhead.
"I'm terrified. I don't know exactly what to do with a baby - at least for longer than a babysitting job."
Bending down, she kissed the top of her wife's head, "You were fantastic with Christine and Conner. You always did wonderfully with them as newborns. You will do just fine with this one too."
As the door opened, a nurse greeted Alex, "Ms. Cabot, is this your wife?"
"Yes, this is Casey," she said as she turned to introduce the nurse, "Case, this is our son's favorite nurse, Susie."
Casey examined the young woman with her mousy kinky curly brown hair and big smile, "Hi."
"Hello," she said as she led the way, "Let's get you in a comfy chair and get him right over to you."
"Okay," She whispered in a nervous tone as Alex helped her into the chair.
Seeing her wife's discomfort, she whispered, "It will be okay. I promise. I'm right here." As she finished, she kissed her gently.
Leaving Casey's side, Alex moved next to the nurse to collect their son. She wanted to be the one to place him in her wife's arms for the first time. Even if his birth didn't go as expected, she still wanted to give him to her.
Taking him into her arms she softly spoke, "Hi, baby, let's go meet your Mama."
Turning back towards Casey, she saw that the nurse had helped her expose part of her chest in order to place him against her in a kangaroo hold. He was still so tiny, but getting bigger every day. Alex just hoped he could come home soon. She didn't know how to leave him behind.
Looking at his small little figure in her arms, she walked to her wife's side. Seeing Casey's eyes go wide at the sight of him, and her mouth open to a smile as she took him in her hands placing him gently to her chest, Alex whispered, "Meet our son."
Talking every inch of him in, his tiny face so much like her own, his little hands, the red hair, she was in a state of awe. "Oh my god, he's perfect, every bit of him."
"He is a gift from God," Alex said as she leaned against Casey's chair.
"I know what we should name him," she whispered finally feeling as if she actually had a child. Holding him had finally bridged the gap she'd been feeling, "let's name him Gabriel. It means 'God is my strength.' His name could be Gabriel Alexander."
"I love it," Alex smiled as she fished her phone out to take pictures of Casey and Gabriel. Capturing a beautiful shot, she sent it to their mother's adding the note, 'He has a name! Meet Gabriel Alexander Novak-Cabot.'
Watching her wife with their new child filled her with love. She wanted to believe that this was a sign that they would be okay. That maybe this time Casey would choose their family over work. There was always hope.
Leaning in she placed a hand lightly to their son's head as she gently kissed her wife. "I love you and our family."
Casey kissed her back before looking down at their baby again and lightly pressing a kiss to his head. "I love you all too."