Chapter 5 - Never

.Pre-Series.

Sam = 16

Dean = 20

Sam and Dean are in a feud, they go from silences to completely yelling all in one go. Then Dean goes and says the worst thing he possibly can. Leading into Sam's suicide attempt from built up depression.

Sam and Dean have been arguing for weeks now. And John was just getting tired of hearing it, sending them on a silence had been the best option at the time. But it only released even more rage between them both when the silence was over and their first fight had begun to break out.

"If you focused on the hunt more-…" Dean began, looking directly at Sam as he tried to speak.

"Well, if you weren't such a soldier then I'd have nothing to be compared too!" Sam barked out angrily.

"Would you let me speak?!" Dean snapped, angry at the interruption.

"Why should I? You're just going to repeat the same thing." Sam shrugged, folding his arms.

"At least I'm good enough for Dad's approval." Dean argued.

"At least I don't seek out Dad's approval, at least I don't get all cut up inside when he doesn't show me affection." Sam argued right back.

"Come off your high horse Sam. You beg for Dad's approval, and when you don't get it. You get all mopey and depressed." Dean chuckled sarcastically at the lies falling from his little brother.

"Can you both stop!? My God what has gotten into the pair of you, you both used to be inseparable?" John asked, separating the argument.

"I've been surrounded by 'freak' for far too long." Dean growled, glaring at Sam, who only sent a glare back in return.

"You're both on a silence from one another. Maybe that will stop this stupid argumentative nature you've both got going on. Save the anger for the things we hunt." John ordered. Sam huffed and stormed to the bedroom, Dean rolled his eyes from Sam's childish behaviour and grabbed his jacket, keys, wallet and phone before leaving the motel room.

Five days after the silence was placed, it was Friday, and the brothers hadn't spoken all week. Barely even shared hateful looks. It was after school when the worst of the arguments and hatred had taken place. Sam was walking out towards the Impala, looking at Dean on his phone outside of it and rolling his eyes.

"Hey! Losechester!" some kid from Sam's grade barked out as he was tripped and shoved to the ground, he stood up and knew he couldn't fight all three of the bullies alone, but didn't want to call Dean for backup. He wanted Dean to think he could take care of himself.

"Mitchell." Sam greeted, looking down towards the ground, standing up and gathering his things.

"Did I say you could get up!?" Mitchell barked out, shoving Sam to the ground once more. This time, Sam stayed on the ground.

"Look at him? Where's your all-powerful brother now Losechester!" The kid next to Mitchell mocked. 'I think his names Paxton. Not too sure, don't really stop to ask questions.' Sam thought, looking behind him and finding Dean looking at the commotion. Why wasn't he coming do help? Although Sam didn't want his help, he couldn't help but feel hurt that Dean wouldn't automatically come to his rescue like he usually did. There's probably some reasonable explanation.' Sam needed there to be a reasonable explanation as to why Dean wasn't helping him.

"Is that him there?" The third kid… Corey commented.

"Oh boy. He sure looks like he hates you. Not even coming over here to save your loser ass. What's the matter Losechester? Gonna cry." Mitchell laughed, the kids surrounding them laughed as well. "Your brothers probably trying to find a way to get rid of you. I wouldn't blame him. I'd wanna get away from you too." Mitchell added, earning another round of laughter.

"If you wanna get away from me so much…" Sam began, looking back towards Mitchell as he stood up. "Then why are you always the one to come up to me." He had to stand for himself, if no one else would.

"Because someone has to pay attention. Your brother hates you, your father probably hates you. And your Mommy probably wants you dead." Mitchell chuckled, that had been the last straw for Sam, he swung his fist back and smashed it into Mitchell's jaw with all the force he could muster, which had to be a lot because he felt a shock of bad pain in his wrist and Mitchell ended up on the ground. Everyone around them gasped in shock, he felt someone grab his shoulder roughly and spin him around.

"What the hell Sam?!" It was Dean, why did he come when he saw that the other kid needed help? Why not come when his damn brother needed help?

"What?" Sam asked innocently, knowing it would piss his brother off. He had every right to piss Dean off right now. But they were on a silence. Not supposed to talk.

"This isn't over Winchester!" Mitchell barked out angrily, Sam looked back and saw him getting help standing up by his mates, the glare said that he was in some real trouble. And if Sam wasn't a hunter, he'd be shit scared. But he was a hunter, so he was stronger than that.

"Let's go." Dean growled menacingly, squeezing down on Sam's shoulder as he shoved him towards the car. Didn't mean he wasn't scared of his older brother though.

"Back off!" Sam barked, not liking being man-handled.

"Hurry up. We're gonna go back to the motel, and then you're in trouble. But not in public, because they can't hear most of the conversation." Dean murmured, afraid to raise his voice any higher in case he started losing it. He was close to losing it, but couldn't. Not yet.

They arrived back at the motel and as soon as Dean shoved Sam into the motel and slammed the door close, a fight finally broke out.

"What the hell was that Samuel Winchester!? You don't go around hitting people!" Dean barked out, stepping close to Sam, who wanted to step further back. But held his ground.

"What was I supposed to do?! He said that you and Dad hated me and that-…" Sam didn't get to finished his response.

"So, what?! Some kid said some dreadful things and you go and punch him!" Dean yelled, he was super pissed.

"Let me speak!" Sam tried to yell above his brother's anger. It started to piss him off. "You get all upset when I interrupt you and look how much the tables have turned!" Sam added angrily. "He said that-…" Sam tried again. But, was once more cut off.

"Who cares what the kid said! You're a hunter and you've had more training then he has! You pack a heavier punch! Oh wait… I've forgotten, you can't punch for shit." Dean laughed. "After all, that's why you're the weakest link of the family right. Hardly even a Winchester. Losechester." Dean laughed, using the same name that he had heard the boys using. Sam snapped, shoving Dean so his back hit the wall.

"Don't. You. Dare! Say that shit to me you got that! Don't you dare call me Losechester! After all, you're the one sits on the sidelines! Where were you when the other kids were picking on me?! Huh! Nowhere! I counted on you to help me and you let me down!" Sam yelled angrily. It was a good thing that John wasn't in the motel right now.

"Come off it Sam. I can't be there to rescue your Damsel in Distress ass all the time! You should stand up for yourself. And I don't mean going around and punching people that hurt your itty-bitty feelings." Dean mocked.

"Don't speak so mighty of yourself. I could list off a few of your mistakes too Dean!" Sam defended.

"Of course, you could! When something doesn't go your way, or someone tells the truth you get all uptight and defensive. God! Sometimes I wish you were never born!" Dean barked out, shoving Sam back. This time hard, Sam once again ended up on the floor.

"Well I was! So, deal with it and move on!" Sam tried to get back up, only for Dean to shove him back down.

"Yeah? I'm aware that you were born Sam! It was kinda the reason Mom died in the first place! It was the reason Dad and I turned to hunting! It was the reason my entire life was ruined!" Dean barked out. Sam stopped moving, stopped breathing, he wanted to stop existing.

"Enough." Sam pleaded, not wanting to hear anymore.

"Sometimes I just wish you had died instead of her. Or at least have Azazel take you away instead." Dean whispered, Sam barely heard it. But just barely, meaning he still did. And enough had been enough. He finally broke.

"ENOUGH!" Sam screamed, his breath coming out in a sob as he began crying. Sam stood up and looked directly at Dean, who didn't even flinch. "Would that make you happy? For me to die? For me to KILL MYSELF!" Sam screamed through the tears, sobbing out hitches of breaths.

Dean didn't even think, he wanted to apologize, but he was still way to angry. He wanted so badly to apologize, walk up to his brother and hold him, but the words that came out instead were… "It's a start."

"Don't talk to me, and don't touch me ever again. If I'm that much of a burden, it won't be hard for you to ignore me and leave me alone." With that Sam burst out crying, turned and ran off into his bedroom, slamming and locking the door close. He collapsed onto the ground, and that's where the real depression began.

John came home later that night, Dean on the sofa drinking a beer and looking blankly at the TV, not watching it at all. Whereas Sam was nowhere to be found.

"Where's your brother?" John asked. Placing his bag on the ground beside the door.

"Sulking." Dean responded, taking another sip of the beer.

"What happened?" John asked, confused.

"Got into an argument at school, some kid was badmouthing him so he clocked him one." Dean stated, trying to hide the smirk because he knew his father was going to be pissed.

"What was the kid saying?" John growled. Yep, he was pissed.

"Something about us hating him. There was something else but I didn't pay much attention." Dean chuckled.

"He knows we don't hate him, that's no reason to lash out. I'll go and talk to him." John murmured, walking towards Sam's bedroom, Sam and Dean have had separate bedrooms since the argumentative behaviour began. Dean smirked at the trouble that Sam was in, didn't mean he was guilty for the things he had said to him. There was no excuse for that, but damn the kid just pissed him off lately.

"Sam!" John snapped, walking into his son's room. His anger immediately disappearing when he saw Sam on the floor, curled into a ball. "Sammy!" he barked out in fear, collapsing beside his youngest and ripping him up towards him.

"What?" Sam sobbed, then John realised that he wasn't hurt. He was crying. Crying harder than he had ever seen him.

"Sammy?" John whispered. Placing his hand on Sam's cheek and lifting his face to look at him. Sam saw the look in his father's eyes and tried to pry himself away, in
John's surprise, he succeeded.

"Don't touch me." Sam growled, composing himself.

"Sam, listen." John requested, standing up to face his youngest. Trying to calm him down.

"Get out." Sam ordered, John was hurt. His son was kicking him out, kicking his family out. This feud with his brother had gone on far too long. It was time for them all to sit down, he could see how much it was ruining the brothers. And he could tell that it's pushed Sam too far.

"Dean!" John barked out, Sam was confused. Why wasn't he getting out. "Take a seat Sam." John ordered, Sam walked towards his bed and sat down, leaning against the headrest. John took a seat on the chair beside the small take as Dean came in. "Sit down." John ordered again. Dean took a seat on the edge of the bed, not looking towards Sam.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked, facing his father.

"This feud, whatever is going on between the two of you ends now. I don't care what it takes, but I am locking the two of you in here until matters are resolved, I'm done with all the arguments and distractions. Fix it, I don't care if it takes a week. Fix it." John ordered, walking out the room and locking the door on his way out.

Silence filled the room. None of the boys willing to strike a conversation, not knowing that John was just outside the door, leaning against it and waiting for something to happen. Not forgetting the look in Sam's eyes, he knew the look well. Depression. One of the worst monsters that they couldn't kill easily. They could do as much research as they wanted, and still not find a way to properly kill it.

Back in the room Sam had moved to sit on the chair John was previously sitting on, he had to get as far away from Dean as possible. No longer wanting to be around his older brother. "I don't see a point anymore…" Sam began, although not knowing exactly what he was talking about, but using the main topic as an excuse to keep going. "This argument. I don't see a point in fighting anymore. I just don't care too anymore. I'm done." Sam whispered, stating what he felt. Stating how he wanted to continue. Which wasn't at all.

Dean's eyes widened, hearing the sadness in his words and the thought behind them. Sam didn't apologise, he said he didn't care. And it made Dean feel worse, because Sam didn't even care enough to argue with him anymore.

"Yeah. Maybe we did go a little too far." Dean almost fell off the bed when Sam looked up at him, who noticed the look in Dean's eyes and wanted more than anything to be alone. Sam got up and walked towards the door. Banging on it for their dad to let him out. "Sammy… you know I didn't mean what I said right? I… god I can't believe I said that. I'm so sorry little brother, it… it was the worst thing I could've said to you, I pushed it too far." Dean whispered, Sam froze and turned around. Dean saw the sadness, the rage in his little brother's eyes.

"Pushed it too far?!" Sam snapped. "You told me that you would rather I be dead instead of Mom! Do you wanna know what Mitchell said that deserved a punch? He said that Mom wanted me dead! Everyone wants me dead and you know what? I want me dead too." Sam barked out angrily. Dean's eyes widened in fear, his own little brother wanted to be dead.

"Sam. No. Listen…" Dean pleaded, even he wanted to punch that Mitchell kid in the face. He felt horrible. Sam turned around just as John opened the door and he burst out the room. No one knew of the sleeping medication he had with him as he raced out the door. He had to be alone for this.

"Sam!" He heard Dean shout, Sam continued to walk away, hands in his pocket and one of the grabbing hold of the pill bottle. Suddenly, Sam was roughly pulled back and surrounded by two arms that wrapped around him.

"Let go!" Sam barked out, trying to get out of his arms.

"No Sammy. Because I know exactly what you'll do if I let you leave tonight." Dean whispered sadly. "And I can't let you. Because I love you brother. I don't want you dead, I want you beside me. I didn't mean it, I swear to you." Dean whispered, Sam heard him, and he was crying.

"Let. Me. GO!" Sam roared, trying to attack Dean as much as he could to be able to get away. "I want to be dead. I can't be here anymore!" Sam cried. Pleading for Dean to let him go.

"Yes, you can Sammy. Stop. Fighting. Me." Dean growled out, before Sam's arms were yanked out of his jacket pocket, sending the pill bottle flying to the ground and smashing open.

"NO! What have you done?!" Sam barked, turning around to face Dean and trying to push him away, tears falling from his eyes. Dean looked at the pill bottle, a million thoughts running through his mind. But he just kept holding on, he couldn't let his little brother go. Too much has happened between them for Dean to let him go now.

"Let go! Let go of me!" Sam pleaded, pushing Dean away, after a while of fighting him, he had finally just grabbed hold of Dean's jacket and cried, not letting his older brother go. "Please… please." Sam whispered, repeating himself over and over. "Don't let go."

"Never Sam. Never." Dean responded, holding him closer, like if they were to let go, they'd lose each other all over again.

"Never, please." Sam repeated, closing his eyes at the comfort of his brother, Dean soon did the same, resting his forehead on Sam's head.

"Never." Dean whispered. It was a promise they both made to each other.