Thank you to everyone who brought this story to 50 reviews.

Reviewer thank-yous:

chemicalflashes: Yes, Jugson has very strange ambitions.

Dragon MoonX: I'm glad you like the interactions between Bellatrix and Hermione. And the world needs more turtle meditation in it.

setterslsett: The inclusion of the Muggle program was to enhance the insanity of the situation.

Reviewers get reviewed, this chapter is for Hannah Abbott, and there would be no need to write fanfiction about Harry Potter if I owned it.

It was two months before Ron could convince Harry to quit sulking about Yaxley's rudeness and reply to him. He and a burly seventh-year boy had to drag Harry into the common room kicking and screaming, force a quill into his hand, and put some parchment in front of him in order to make him write to Yaxley.

"I don't want to write to Yaxley!" whined Harry, trying to hand the quill back to Ron, who refused to take it.

"Quit being so dramatic, Harry! Yaxley takes time out of his busy life to write to you and you can't even respond?" demanded Ron.

"He forgot about it!"

"But he sent you a lovely letter and a nice gift, remember? Now pick up that quill and get writing!"

Harry finally gave up. He couldn't stay mad at Yaxley. So he wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

I was angry at you for forgetting the gift, but I think I'm over it now.

Have you ever snuck out of Hogwarts to do cartwheels down a Muggle street? If you haven't, you really should, as it is very fun.

I tried to take over the world, but all I've taken over so far is the Hufflepuff common room. The Hufflepuffs asked me to be their leader, but I don't start until tomorrow because I was having a staring contest with a potato.

I was talking to Ginny the other day and she wants to know what death tastes like.

Also, I really want to tie up Snape and give him to the werewolves as a peace offering, but he keeps ripping up my notes asking him to join me in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

Please always sign off to me with "Your Yaxleyness" from now on.

Sincerely,

Harry "Elbows" Potter.

PS: I elbowed a third-year yesterday and now everyone is calling me Elbows. Who knows why?

"Was that so hard?" Ron asked, when Harry had finished sending Hedwig off with Yaxley's letter.

Harry sighed, "No, it wasn't. Fancy a game of chess?"

"Can't, Harry, I said I'd go to Lavender's violin recital in the Transfiguration room. Want to come?"

"No thanks." He couldn't quite explain it, but his shoes always felt too big when he was in the same room as Lavender. Harry had lived with this feeling for far too long, thanks to the Dursleys.

Ron shrugged. "Suit yourself."

While Ron left for the recital, Harry decided to knit Yaxley some slippers. He thought his feet might be cold.

"Meeting adjourned."

The Death Eaters all got up and left the room before the Dark Lord could decide to kill them. Hermione shuffled along, wishing she were in bed with her teddy bear like she usually was at five in the morning. She could usually tolerate the meetings when her best friend was there, but Bellatrix was in time-out for asking the Dark Lord to sing her a song and then crying when he said no.

As Hermione was leaving, Voldemort took her by the shoulders and threw her up against the wall. For a moment she was terrified. Then he said, "Go inform Bellatrix that she may remove herself from time-out and make me a sandwich."

"Yes...my Lord." Hermione nearly forgot to add it on.

When she left the room, Hermione found Bellatrix standing in the corner, staring at the wall, and humming "Odo the Hero" to herself while picturing Voldemort in a speedo. It was odd, but it was the only way she could get through her time-outs.

"You can come out now." said Hermione. "And the Dark Lord wants you to make him a sandwich."

Bellatrix began making her way down the hall, but suddenly stopped. "Will you come with me?"

Hermione had been planning to try to give her Patronus a bath, but agreed to accompany Bellatrix to the kitchen.

When they got there, Hermione put her head down on the table and pretended to be awake while Bellatrix assembled the sandwich with her wand. She could have done it the Muggle way, but that would have involved Bellatrix performing Muggle activities, which Bellatrix did not do.

"Finished?" asked Hermione, trying and failing to pretend she had been awake for the last ten minutes.

"I am. Hermione?"

"Yes."

"Can we go do something?"

"What do you mean by something?" asked Hermione. She was beginning to get worried. Bellatrix wanting to go do something often ended in bloodshed, Wormtail falling down the stairs, or Lucius demanding to know who painted his bedroom magenta.

"I don't know. But I've been indoors for the last three days and it's like being back in Azkaban." Bellatrix shuddered as she remembered what the dementors made her think about.

"I could take you to a Muggle art museum," suggested Hermione. "My parents and I have free passes, and I think we're allowed to bring guests."

"Why would I want to look at framed pictures of Muggle garbage?" Bellatrix said, clearly taken aback. "What if I brushed up against a Muggle? I might have to burn my dress!"

"That's a little dramatic," said Hermione. "Maybe we could..."

"Kill a Muggle? House-elf? Random passerby?" Bellatrix bounced around the kitchen at the thought of doing these things, but Hermione caught her and deposited her into a chair.

"Any other ideas?" When Bellatrix shook her head and showed signs of wanting to close her eyes and pretend she was a turtle, Hermione came up with something...

"These are your sinuses," explained Hermione. In lieu of going somewhere, Hermione had decided to give Bellatrix an impromptu and slightly scattered anatomy lesson. "And this is how blood flows to your brain."

Ordinarily Bellatrix liked blood, but she didn't particularly care for thinking about her own. "Hermione, I don't want blood to flow to my brain!"

"Bellatrix, if blood didn't flow to your brain, you would die."

The last thing Hermione expected was for her best friend to burst into tears and insist that, "Regulus told her not to die." It's just another normal day, Hermione thought to herself, as she tried to get Bellatrix to stop crying uncontrollably. Well, as normal as a day can be when your best friend is Bellatrix Lestrange.

Reviews are always appreciated.

Future chapters will be set in DH...but I can't say exactly when.