Again, thank you to everyone who's reviewed/followed/favorited this, this chapter is for Selwyn, and if I owned Harry Potter, Minerva McGonagall would have lived in a shoe.

On the day Harry was to meet Yaxley, he turned Aunt Petunia into a bullfrog and removed Annika from her crib. She had decided she liked Harry and her hair turned a bright pink when she saw him.

Harry wanted to bring her, but he didn't want Yaxley to know she didn't have blue hair anymore. He compromised by putting Aunt Petunia's purple shower cap on Annika's head.

Harry went to his bedroom to put on his own clothing, but discovered Yaxley had written back to him. He decided to read the letter first because letters from Yaxley were fun.

Yaxley had written:

Dear Harry,

I'm sorry to hear about the gnomes. There used to be a good gnome-repellent, but they stopped making it in 1975.

Hermione and Bellatrix made me go look for your monkey, but all I found was a gorilla. I didn't send it because you requested a monkey, not a gorilla. And while they're similar, they aren't the same thing.

Amycus did install the Clapper like you said, but the Dark Lord got annoyed and made him get rid of it. Since then, Amycus has done nothing but cry and lick things. I didn't mind until he licked my foot.

You should tell the baby to have green hair. I like babies with green hair. I asked Lucius if I could give his baby green hair once, but he said no.

I thought about writing a longer letter to you, but then I won't have time to eat an entire bucket of fried chicken before we meet. I'm sorry, but fried chicken is very important to me.

Entirely sincerely this time, Your Yaxleyness

P.S.: I prefer cauliflower, but I'm not going to complain because my mother makes the best yams. You should try them.

P.P.S.: I had to give the letter to Travers myself because Alecto is busy trying to stop all the licking. It's not working.

P.P.P.S: When we meet, I will bring you some food. Trying to write letters on an empty stomach is horrible, and I know your favorite part of the day is writing to me.

Harry didn't know how Yaxley knew that, but he let it go.

He considered telling Yaxley what he wanted to say when they met, but decided that Yaxley thought letters from him were fun too. So he wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

I was going to call you my Yaxleyness, but that was too much writing. Yaxley isn't long like Yaxleyness is. So I just wrote Yaxley.

I still don't know where Ron is. I hope I can find him soon, because I wanted to send him a chicken. Ron likes chickens as much as I like monkeys. Speaking of which, where is my monkey? I'm beginning to think the monkey was just a scam to get me to do things for you.

You should go get Amycus some lollipops. Then he can lick those instead. Although I guess it doesn't matter as long as he doesn't lick your foot again. That sounds unpleasant and soggy.

I told Annika three times to turn her hair green, but she just wants bright pink hair. If I didn't want her to have green hair, she would do it. Maybe she's mad that I turned her mother into a bullfrog.

Admittedly, I don't approve of the fact that you think fried chicken is more important than me. Fried chicken will always be there. But Voldemort could kill me at any time and you'll be sadly chewing your fried chicken wishing you had bonded with me more.

Best regards,

Harrison Potter

P.S.: My name isn't actually Harrison. I just pretend it is because what kind of a given name is Harry?

Having finished the letter, Harry decided to put on his clothes. He considered some swim trunks, a three-piece suit, and Aunt Petunia's best cocktail dress, but eventually decided to just wear whatever. He assumed Yaxley would be doing the same, so it didn't matter.

Bellatrix had changed her mind and decided she didn't want to visit Harry after all, and Hermione had to engage in several hours of begging, pleading, and promising her extra time for turtle meditation. After a while, Bellatrix eventually decided the idea of extra turtle meditation appealed to her and reluctantly went upstairs to get dressed. She'd been dressed before, but she was feeling particularly indecisive that day and had already changed her clothes three times.

After about an hour, Bellatrix came back downstairs holding something wrapped in more toilet paper than Hermione had ever seen in her life. "What's that?" she asked her best friend.

"It's a gift for your little half-blood friend," replied Bellatrix.

Hermione could only wonder where that was going. Most gifts Bellatrix gave to half-bloods were poisoned, alive, or covered in an unidentifiable red substance. But as the package seemed to be neither wet nor moving, she dropped the matter and Apparated the pair to Diagon Alley.

Yaxley was sitting at a small table next to where Ollivander's was before some of his fellow Death Eaters had taken the wandmaker away. A Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born passed him, and he ordered a strawberry milkshake. He was very dismayed to learn that the aforementioned Mudblood AHEM Muggle-born had no strawberry milkshakes, and proceeded to chase her down Knockturn Alley.

When Yaxley returned to his seat, he discovered that someone had taken the chair he had previously occupied. He yelled, "Hey, you! What are you doing in my seat?"

"I'm just waiting for someone," said the person who had been occupying his space. "I'll leave as soon as I see them."

"Who are you waiting for?" Ordinarily, Yaxley didn't ask such questions of people who did things like that to him, but he thought he could use it to pass the time until Harry showed up.

"My penpal. He said we'd be meeting in person today. He goes by Yaxley."

Yaxley didn't want to admit that he was Yaxley, and that he'd just unnecessarily shouted at Harry, but he had no choice and did just that.

Harry didn't seem to mind. He simply informed Yaxley that he would have a letter to look forward to when he got home.

"Wait a minute," said Yaxley, depositing the food he'd promised Harry on the table. "Where's that baby you said you'd bring?"

"Down here." Harry retrieved Annika from where she'd crawled under his seat and unexpectedly deposited her on Yaxley's lap. "That's Yaxley, Annika. He writes me letters and promises me monkeys I never get."

"Harry, if I could get you that monkey, I would have sent it to you by now. But every time I try, something always comes up." As Yaxley said this, Annika decided she liked him too, and her hair turned purple under her shower cap.

"You said you got me one once."

"Which Dolohov used as a bath pouf. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want someone else's used bath pouf as a pet."

Harry didn't want Yaxley to know how hurt he was by the fact that Yaxley didn't care enough to bring him a monkey, but he wanted to do something about it. He was debating what to do about that when he caught a glimpse of Hermione.

"There they are," she said, dragging someone over who Harry and Yaxley recognized as Bellatrix. Hermione didn't comment on the large wad of toilet paper her best friend was holding, so neither of them mentioned it.

"What brings you here to our humble little gathering?" asked Yaxley.

"I wanted to say hello to Harry," said Hermione. She turned to him. "I wrote to you a while ago! Why didn't you write back?"

Harry didn't want Hermione to know he'd misplaced her letter, so he told her Hogwarts had been especially demanding that year. It wasn't even a lie, he decided, remembering the three feet of parchment he'd had to write for Potions on more than one occasion.

Luckily, Hermione bought it and changed the subject, much to Harry's relief. "Bellatrix, why don't you give Harry your gift?"

"I decided I don't give gifts to half-bloods," said Bellatrix. "And if I find out you lied about that turtle meditation just to drag me here..."

"Turtle meditation?" Harry interrupted. "What's turtle meditation?"

"YOU SAID HE WAS UNDERSTANDING!"

"I didn't say he knew about it. I just said he would understand if he knew about it."

Before Hermione could do anything else, Bellatrix had already rolled into a ball. "That's what turtle meditation is," said Hermione. "Bellatrix finds it relaxing."

"I find it disturbing." Yaxley muttered.

Hermione glared at him. She had decided no one was allowed to insult Bellatrix's turtle meditation except her. And she never did it because she didn't want to lose her best friend.

For a short while, Harry caught Hermione up on his life since he had last seen her in person. That had been in his fifth year, and he was going into his seventh, so that took a while. After that, Hermione explained some of the day-to-day happenings of the Death Eaters to him, which Yaxley was glad to help her with.

Yaxley was just describing the look on Travers's face when he showed him the love letter from Alecto when Bellatrix straightened and, noticing there was nowhere else to sit, sat on the table and nearly placed her elbow in a butter dish Yaxley had placed there.

"How was your turtle meditation?" asked Hermione.

"It was fine. Although towards the end I started feeling like I might be close to communicating with Regulus, and I just talked to him yesterday, so I decided to stop and hang out with you."

Everyone decided it would be best not to comment on the Regulus communication.

Since there was already food on the table, and everyone there was rather hungry, they decided to eat. Yaxley had brought the food he promised, but Harry had brought some whipped cream to go with it. He felt like every meal was better with whipped cream.

Compared to the rest of the day's events, the meal was largely uneventful.

After everyone had eaten more food than they cared to admit, Yaxley, who was beginning to worry he wouldn't have time for his evening yoga, decided it was time for everyone to go home.

"Would we be able to meet in person again sometime?" asked Harry. He liked writing to Yaxley, but it was fun to talk to him as well.

"After I get you your monkey," said Yaxley. "Which I actually plan on doing, and would have a while ago if things didn't keep happening."

"You know he's not actually going to do that, right?" said Hermione, as she stopped Bellatrix from wandering off for the third time since they had gotten up.

"If you weren't actually going to get me a monkey, you should have just said so," said Harry. "If you promise someone a monkey, and you change your mind, at least be honest about it."

Yaxley couldn't think of a response to that. He did want to get Harry a monkey, but he didn't know how to obtain one and keep it long enough to send it to his penpal.

"Do I still have to give your half-blood friend his gift?" Bellatrix asked, holding up the large wad of toilet paper.

"You already brought it here. You might as well just give it to him." Hermione answered.

Reluctantly, Bellatrix handed Harry the wad. At first, he wondered why she would give him a large wad of toilet paper, but discovered that inside was a ham sandwich. He preferred turkey, but decided not to tell Bellatrix that. "Thank you for the ham sandwich, Bellatrix. They're my favorite."

Bellatrix made a mental note not to bring Harry a ham sandwich ever again. Perhaps next time she would bring him turkey. He didn't seem like the type to enjoy a turkey sandwich.

After she and Hermione had left, Harry turned to Yaxley and removed Annika from his lap. He said, "I don't want to complain, Yaxley, but I'm more important than fried chicken."

And he Disapparated.

I don't usually include the wordcount in chapters, but I just wanted to note that this one is slightly over 2k, which is long (at least for me.)

Reviews are always appreciated.