Another thanks for your continued enjoyment of this story, this chapter is dedicated to Alecto, and I only own the idea of turtle meditation.

Harry was pleased that the meeting with Yaxley had gone so well, if a little disappointed that the next meeting would be after something he had reason to suspect would never happen. He didn't want to be rude, but Yaxley had promised him a monkey more than a year before and all he did was make excuses for why he didn't get Harry a monkey.

So when a letter from Yaxley came and landed on his desk, Harry considered not opening it out of protest. But after twenty minutes of that, he decided he couldn't resist a letter from his Death Eater friend.

The letter read:

Your Harryness,

I just wanted to see if Harryness was as fun as Yaxleyness. No offense meant, but it's not.

You don't have to call me Yaxleyness all the time. Just most of the time.

There is no rush on your little Weasley friend. I think Macnair lost interest. He always does that. But I have not lost interest in your monkey. I am going to get you a monkey if it's the last thing I do. I hope it's not, but still.

If anything, the licking has gotten worse since I wrote you last. Alecto started hitting him with the Daily Prophet when he licked something, but now he just does it whenever she's not around. Which always seems to happen when I'm in the room.

I was glad you brought that baby with you, but I didn't understand why she was wearing a shower cap, or why you placed her on my lap knowing full well she would drool on me.

Fried chicken is very important, Harry. I mean it. If you don't get enough fried chicken, you'll go into withdrawal and have to go to St. Mungo's. I can tell you from experience that you shouldn't let it get to that point.

Since I'm here, I'm sorry I shouted at you when we met. I didn't know what you looked like and had no way of knowing who you were.

I'm glad we're still in touch. I always feel better after we've exchanged a letter. I don't even mind Bellatrix going through my things anymore!

Thank you for reading,

Your Yaxleyness

P.S.: I like Harrison better, but that's your decision.

Harry sighed. He couldn't stay mad at Yaxley forever, and especially not when he'd just gotten a letter from him. Taking a bite of the ham sandwich Bellatrix had given him, he wrote:

Dear Yaxley,

I hope this is one of the times when I don't have to call you my Yaxleyness, because I'm worried that if I do it too much I will get tired of it.

Somehow, I find myself doubting you plan to get me a monkey. I think you just pretended you cared enough to get the monkey so I would think you liked me. You're a Death Eater, so it makes sense that you wouldn't like me, but why would you want to be penpals with someone you don't like?

I did get a letter from Ron. He says he's not allowed to talk to me until we go back to Hogwarts because his mother thinks I stole their good china the last time I was at their house. I didn't even know they had good china, so I can't explain that one.

I think Amycus should talk to a therapist or something about why he licks things. If he keeps it up, Voldemort might get annoyed and torture or kill him. I don't think Amycus wants that.

I put a shower cap on her head because I didn't want you to know she didn't have green hair anymore. It was actually bright pink, and I felt like you would be mad at me for removing her green hair. If you must know, her hair turns pink whenever she sees me.

You really need to get your priorities in order, Yaxley. Fried chicken is important, but not as important as spending time with the ones you love. And it's really not as important as lemon pie, either. If it were lemon pie, I would understand, but fried chicken is not lemon pie, and it would be disgusting if it were.

I forgive you. Most Death Eaters have a lot of negative feelings bouncing around inside, and I'd rather you yelled at me than Voldemort. At least I won't kill you.

I've enclosed a lock so that Bellatrix won't snoop through your things anymore. That is an invasion of privacy and if I were you, I would talk to Hermione or someone about her doing that.

Yours very (but not entirely) sincerely,

Your Harryness Harry

P.S.: You're right. Harryness is nowhere near as fun as Yaxleyness.

Harry sent the letter away with Hedwig and collapsed on his bed. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to eat some lemon pie or start packing for Hogwarts. He wanted to do something productive, but the lemon pie was calling to him.

After two hours of going back and forth, Harry finally picked the lemon pie. After all, lemon pie had a much better flavor than his trunk.

Yaxley yelped when he saw the part about Harry going back to Hogwarts. He realized that he had something very important to inform him of before he set foot on the castle grounds.

Amycus was still not over having to get rid of the Clapper, and it was looking unlikely that he would before the term started. And the Dark Lord planned on sending him there to teach.

Even though he was a bit sore at Harry for repeatedly demanding a monkey he was unable to obtain, Yaxley didn't want him to go to Hogwarts and risk being licked or cried upon. He was going to have to make him aware of that situation.

He wrote Harry a letter advising him to be wary of Amycus and not to mention clapping, licking, or Voldemort around him, so as not to trigger any of those things. When Hedwig flew in with a letter from his penpal, he gave what he'd written to her, even though he wasn't entirely done with it and planned to add a paragraph about radishes on it. But he didn't want to keep the bird waiting in case she got irritated and pooped in his best shoes like she had the last time he tried that.

After the letter was gone, Yaxley began to consider getting some fried chicken. He was just about to demand some from a house-elf when Bellatrix burst into his room without knocking. He thought this was very rude. He always knocked on her door before he entered.

"That was very rude of you, Bellatrix," he said. "I was just about to get some fried chicken, and you came in here and interrupted me."

Bellatrix looked around his room. "I don't see any fried chicken. You must be hiding it from me."

"I don't even have any fried chicken yet! And even if I did, I wouldn't share it with you because whenever I do you take the bucket, make it into a hat, give it to the Dark Lord, and tell him the squirrels made you do it."

That wasn't a very good reason, Bellatrix decided. She'd only done that once, and no one believed her when she said so, but a squirrel really did tell her to do it. At least, that was what she thought it said. She didn't speak squirrel.

This was what she told Yaxley.

"Squirrels don't talk to people," was his reply. "And if they do, you clearly need some help."

"I don't need help! I didn't tell the squirrel to talk to me!"

"Bellatrix..."

Before Yaxley could figure out how to respond, Bellatrix had curled into a ball and begun her turtle meditation. He knew interrupting her meditation would not end well, so he sat down and picked up a book. It would probably be a while before she left, and he didn't want to share his fried chicken. Fried chicken was very important to him.

He had gotten to page 56 by the time Hermione came in and saw her best friend on the floor doing her turtle meditation. "What did you do?" she asked him.

"She," he said, looking up from his book and gesturing to Bellatrix, "decided to show up here without knocking, demand fried chicken, and insist she didn't need mental help."

"Well, she shouldn't be doing any of those things," Hermione began.

"But...?" prompted Yaxley.

"But you shouldn't be making her so upset she resorts to turtle meditation."

"I didn't mean to!"

Hermione sighed. "I know that, Yaxley. Just try not to let it get to that point in the future."

Yaxley muttered something about having absolutely no idea Bellatrix would roll into a ball and meditate before she did it, but Hermione either ignored or didn't hear him.

After a while, he asked, "Now what do we do?"

"I'll see if I can talk her out of it," said Hermione. "Maybe I can get her to do it elsewhere. But if not, I guess we'll have to sit here until she decides to get up."

"Why?"

"Staying here is quieter and less likely to disturb her turtle meditation. That's not something you want to disturb." Hermione, who had unfortunately done so on two separate occasions, began trying to get her best friend to move her meditation.

It took about a half hour, during which Yaxley finished the book, drew a picture of a dolphin, and color-coded his ties (which didn't take long as he only owned three.) As he was hanging his dolphin picture up on the wall, Bellatrix got up, said, "I only wanted to say hi!" and stomped out of the room.

"You know, you're really good at that," he said to Hermione. "Would you by any chance mind helping me out with something similar?"

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

"Have you heard about Amycus's new assignment at Hogwarts?"

"Yaxley, the Dark Lord gave it to him in front of the entire organization! Of course I have!"

"Well, I don't want to risk Harry being licked or used as a tissue while he's trying to get a decent education. Do you think you could talk to Amycus?"

"I suppose I could...but I won't."

"Why?" demanded Yaxley.

"If you get Harry that monkey you promised him, I'll talk to Amycus." Hermione said. Before the Death Eater could reply, she had already left to see where her best friend had wandered off to. She didn't like the idea of Bellatrix scampering about unsupervised.

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