Garfield League of America 2 Chapter Two – Darkseid Is!
It was early morning in Garfield's luxury penthouse in the heart of Metropolis. The night before Garfield had just gotten back from defeating the epic multiverse-spanning threat of the Gentry and needed a deep rest up.
Garfield yawned as he rose all rejuvenated and energized for another day of adventuring and taking names, next to several naked Wonder Womans from across the Multiverse who still slept.
"Oooh Garfield your thunderbolt is more impressive than Daddys shock me again!" Mumbled Wonder Woman of New 52 as she tumbled and tossed in her sleep, fingering herself as Garfield still made love to her in her dreams.
"Sorry kitten, daddy's gotta go work. Play with yourself for a bit, hear?" Garfield smiled as New 52 Wonder Woman rolled over onto Pre-Crisis Earth-1 Wonder Woman, DCAU Wonder Woman, and DCEU Wonder Woman and all four began sleepkissing and sleeplicking one another.
Garfield got washed and dressed then walked to his kitchen where he prepared himself a breakfast of lasagna with a side of lasagna toast and a lasagna mojito.
"Hmm good nights sleep check lasagna breakfast check all I need now is just some baddies to pummel." Garfield ran down checklist as he forked the delicious lasagna into his mouth.
At that moment Garfield's good friend Superman flew by the window and knocked.
"Hey Superman what's on our asskicking agenda today?" Asked Garfield with curiosities.
"Lois Lane has it on good word that my old foe Lex Luthor is visting Darkseid's nightclub of evil the Dark Side Club in Gotham City today to sign evil deals!" Superman informd Garfield with the insiders scoop.
"Darkseid owns Dark Side Club? Could this have anything to do with this Boss Dark Side I have heard so much about?" Wondered Garfield with possibilities as he finished his breakfast.
"Well only one way to find out buddy." Superman smiled as he cracked his Kryptonian knuckles.
"I'm with you. Let's break our first eggheads of the day." Garfield said with action as he leapt out of his chair grabbed his jetpack and Lasagna Sword Garfield and hopped out the window.
"I cannot believe that Lex Luthor and Darkseid are back from the dead already. It feels like just yesterday when I killed them in a previous adventure." Commented Garfield as he passed by the Daily Planet and waved to Lois Lane and all the other hot woman journalists inside.
"It is inevitable consequence of every one of our time and multiverse altering adventures!" Superman stated with science. "But if they keep getting back up, it is up to use to put them back down!"
Garfield and Superman then flew to where the Dark Side Club was in Gotham City.
Garfield and Superman then arrived at the Dark Side Club. As they approached the front door, the doorman Bouncer Parademon stepped up and held up stopping hand.
"Sorry but Dark Side Club is not open until night! Please come back later." The Bouncer Parademon told Garfield with politeness.
"Oh, I think you'll see that it is night soon enough." Superman said with a wink.
"NIGHT NIGHT." Garfield then said as he and Superman both threw a punch to both sides of the Bouncer Parademon's head, knocking him out.
"You can add garbageman to your resume, bugface." Quipped Garfield as he lifted the unconscious Bouncer Parademon and flung him into a nearby trash bin.
Garfield then kicked down the door to the Dark Side Club and he and Superman were met almost instantly by a wave of revulsion. Inside the Dark Side Club was gaudy eyesores of ugly deformity that passed for art furniture all the drinks were overpriced the dancers were overweight and hairy and the only music they played was Italo-Disco.
"If it is not my old foes, the Cat and the Kryptonian! You wished to experience the departure from your mortal coil again so quickly in your insignificant lives?" Threatened Darkseid as he stepped into view from a balcony. Darkseid was dressed in a white Armani suit holding a jeweled cane and smoking a fat Cuban cigar. Joining him was Lex Luthor sipping his favorite drink of Granny's Peach Tea.
Upon seeing Garfield, Lex Luthor spat out all of his Peach Tea. As the yellow sweetness dribbled down his chin, Lex Luthor went ballistic.
"Darkseid you did not tell me that Garfield and Superman would interfere! I see your Anti-Life Security is as secure as a virgin in prison! OUR DEAL IS OFF!" Screamed Lex Luthor like a squirrel under a humvee tire as he shoved Darkseid aside and ran away.
"Damn it! I was about to close all important deal for a New Age of Evil with Lex Luthor and you ruined it, you interlopers! You will suffer!" Raged Darkseid as he smashed his fists together and the Omega Symbols on his body glowed.
"Garfield! You go after Lex Luthor! I will mop Darkseid and his underlings up like an unfinished jigsaw!" Superman asked Garfield as Superman reloaded his fists readying for a beatdown.
"No Superman. You are my friend and friends do not abandon each other no matter what! Let Lex Luthor run for there is nowhere in this metaverse he can hide from my justice." Garfield refused with friendship for he knew that Darkseid was formidable foe and would not risk letting a friend die for him. Garfield then jumped to Superman's side and whipped out two All-American Colt Walkers as a bar fight broke out.
Dozens of Parademon Goons surrounded Superman and Garfield. Overseeing them with a New God man dressed in Renaissance garb sipping a glass of fine wine. It was Darkseid's elite assassin Kanto.
"So you are the famous Garfield who has felled so many of my Apokoliptan brethren? Let us see if you are worthy of earning an audience with my blade!" Kanto challenged as he first sent his Parademons in waves at Garfield and Superman.
With punches Superman and Garfield took down many Parademons. The numbers of Parademons they faced were legion, but the two superheroes were not afraid for they were men and what they faced were mere bacteria by comparison.
"Parademons! My favorite kind of finger food!" Garfield joked as he gunned down several Parademons pulling triggers rapidly while doing stylish dodges and flips.
"FOR DARKSEID! APOKOLIPS IS GREAT!" Several Parademons yelled as they ripped open their chests to reveal they were suicide bombers and rushed Garfield but before any suicide bombing could be pulled off Superman swooped by and froze them solid with superbreath.
"Don't forget to tip your barman." Superman joked as he lined the frozen Parademons up in a row like dominos. Garfield then leapt at them with a taekwondo flying kick and sent them crashing into one another and shattering like glass hitting concrete.
Seeing Garfield slaughter his minions, Kanto was impressed and quickly his desire for worthy duel overrode his common sense that he was out of his league. Kanto leaped in front of Garfield and withdrew his rapier.
"Across the Multiverses and Infinite Endlessness of Time I have searched for a worthy opponent! And at last I have found one in you Garfield! Fight me mano a mano!" Kanto proclaimed with joy as he held rapier in challenging position.
"Worthy opponent? All I see before me is overdressed pigeon who splashes himself in the garb of eons past and dresses up his misdeeds in the name of the fighting mans arts to give his meaningless existence fullness where there is nothing but emptiness. Ally of the Darkest Evil, you are no worthy opponent and you shall die as such." Garfield said with a refuting speech laced with disgust for the pompous braggart before him.
"Nooooo! I will have your respect Garfield when I pierce the last life from your body!" Kanto shrieked as he charged with his rapier.
"The only respect you will get is that of the worms for the nourishment your body will provide them." Replied Garfield with slick rebuttal as he dodged Kanto's awkward charge and Kanto found himself staring right down the barrel of Garfield's Colt Walkers.
"Take a walk on the dead side." Garfield quipped with revolvers as he pulled the triggers and blasted Kantos head clean off.
"I'm glad you got that jumped up miscreant done and over with, Garfield. Now let us be on our way to dispose of Darkseid like uneaten pizza crusts!" Superman applauded Garfield's battle prowess as Garfield stepped over Kantos headless corpse.
Garfield and Superman then walked over to a door that said Darkseid's Office on the front.
Superman tried the door but found that it was barricaded from the inside. He gave Garfield a knowing nod and stepped aside.
With the fury of a thousand hungry hungry hippos Garfield pulled back and GARFIELD PUNCHED the door down. As the remains of the door collapsed, the dust cleared to reveal Darkseid cowering behind his desk as he seethed with the fury of glowing red eyes.
"Surrender now, Boss Dark Side, and perhaps the Hague will be merciful!" Superman offered with ultimatum.
"Boss Dark Side? You fools I am not Boss Dark Side! Do you think that is simply because my name is Darkseid and I run Dark Side Club? THAT IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID, SUPERMAN." Darkseid ranted with derangedness and big revelation.
"If you are not Boss Dark Side then who is? ANSWER TO ME!" Garfield said with interrogations as he leapt onto Darkseids desk and seized Darkseid by the collar, shaking and slapping him with brass knuckles wildly.
"I do not know I only knew that Boss Dark Side was sudden emerging threat to my plan for eternal empire of forever evil! Lex Luthor and I were to have joined forces to better combat that threat but you have ruined it like wet tissue paper! SO I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO RUIN YOU GARFIELD!" Darkseid roared and the shockwaves of his vocals blasted Garfield off him.
"I'LL COOK YOU WORSE THAN A WELL-DONE STEAK, BOY." Said Darkseid with barbeque as he fired his Omega Beams at Garfield.
"Damn beating this will be trickier than a virgin asking you to stay the night at her dad's!" Said Garfield with frustrations as he zigged and zagged all over the room but no matter where he went the Omega Beams were locked on him and kept following.
Garfield tried to block the beams with Lasagna Sword Garfield but even his legendary blade was powerless against Darkseid's ultimate power!
"Ugggggh!" Garfield said as the Omega Beams collided with Lasagna Sword Garfield and the force of the collision smashed him against the wall. Stunned Garfield was helpless as the Omega Beams closed in. Desperate, Garfield scrambled for one Colt Walker shot, hoping that it could be enough to wound Darkseid enough for Superman to finish him.
"You are not alone, old friend! Let me lend a helping beam!" Superman intruded with heat vision, blasting furious red lasers at Darkseid.
Superman's heat vision and Darkseid's Omega Beams were locked in war of attrition with neither gaining ground. Darkseid's power was relentless and Superman felt himself breaking a sweat for the first time in ages but he refused to let up.
"Why do you resist, Last Son of Krypton? You may be super but you are still but a mortal standing insolent before the God! In time the Omega Effect shall overwhelm your puny essence and your world shall find its destined meaning in Anti-Life! Better to beg now to be made my plaything! For this world of Earth – all of its history, culture, and achievements will be nothing against one inevitable constant. Darkseid is!" Taunted Darkseid as he upped his power. Darkseid was so focused on defeating Superman that he did not notice Garfield struggling to his feet or the subtle slow building up of Hans Zimmer's Superman theme music from Man of Steel movie.
"I've always wondered what that stupid Darkseid Is slogan of yours meant. How 'bout Darkseid Is Blind Idiot for double points?" Garfield lifted both his Colt Walkers fully loaded.
"That's a good one, Garfield." Superman said with agreement.
"Jackpot!" Garfield said as he got into cool gunslinging pose and fired at Darkseid's eyes.
Darkseid screamed with the pain of an infant crawling over shards of broken glasses and needles as Garfield's bullets burst his eyeballs like a hot apple pie. Darkseid's Omega Beams sputtered out and the Apokoliptan tyrant fell to his knees clawing at the pain where his eyes once were.
"Leave the rest to me!" Superman said as his theme music went into full gear and he swooped into Darkseid.
Superman tackled Darkseid into the sky before uppercutting him with so much power Darkseid was sent flying out of the atmosphere.
Superman chased after Darkseid into outer space and while the doomed New God spiraled helpleesly Superman zipped in and out with punches more powerful than all the boxing champions of history put together.
"You asked me why I resist the evil you and your ilk, Darkseid. Because someone must stand for light against the dark!" Superman seized Darkseid by the neck and held him up.
"You think that destroying me shall change anything, Kal-El?" Darkseid cursed with defiance. "The corporate suits and lab accidents you call foes are nothing compared to me! I am more than flesh and blood to slay! I am an idea, a concept resonating across the Multiverse! I shall plunge the souls of all worlds forever in despair and damnation! Even in death Darkseid Is! I WILL RETURN SUPERMAN! I WILL DESTROY YOUR LOVERS AND YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN AND AGAIN! I SHALL DELIVER TO YOU A NIGHT OF ANGUISH THAT NEVER ENDS! AND YOU SUPERMAN WHEN THAT END COMES YOU SHALL BEG TO DIE FOR DARKSEID!"
Superman heard all of this blustering from Darkseid. He thought about it for a second knowing that Darkseid was likely right that he could not be stopped forever. Superman yawned and then shrugged.
"Come crawling back whenever you feel like it, Darkseid. I'll be waiting for you. Because this is my world and I will protect it until my very last." Superman proclaimed and then he threw Darkseid into the sun.
"No not fun in the sun! How could this get any worse?" Darkseid howled with pure inhumanity as he tried to claw his way out of the sun, thrashing with the fullest of strengths even as he was torched all over.
Superman then grabbed a passing comet and with some signature Superman genius, shaped and fashioned it into an electric guitar.
"Well Darkseid, I heard that you always hated music. So let the good times roll!" Superman winked and then he launched into a cosmic rock and roll symphony.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU AND GARFIELD HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF ME SUPERMAN!" Darkseid cried as Superman played Just What I Needed by The Cars and used the hypersonic sound waves generated by his Kryptonian super strumming to overwhelm all of Darkseid's being and force him into the heart of the sun where he would be trapped.
"Oh, I'm thinkin' I have. You'll have to pass your regards onto Superman One Million!" Superman waved good-bye to Darkseid as he disappeared beneath the suns flames, knowing that Darkseid would not be getting out for a long time.
Superman then flew back to Gotham City, where Garfield had finished lining the Dark Side Club up with C4 explosives. Night had fallen over Gotham City, ushering in the moment where the city truly awoke.
"Thanks for the save, Superman. Who knows what would've happened if Darkseid's beams shot me? Last thing I needed is another wacky time travel adventure." Garfield said with gratitude as Superman landed.
"No worries, bud. I know you'd do the same for me. So how about we call closing time at the bar?" Superman noted as he and Garfield turned and walked away from the Dark Side Club with their backs turned.
"Indeed, friend. Any stragglers of Darkseid will have to finish their whiskey or beer in hell." Said Garfield with explosives as he pressed the trigger for his C4, sending Darkseid's den of decadence sky high.
"Well we closed down a lousy nightclub and ended an intergalactic tyrant's terror. Pretty fruitful day." Superman commented as he got ready to fly back to Metropolis.
"Yes but the biggest apple on the tree has eluded us yet. This lead in my investigation into Boss Dark Side is dead end!" Garfield mused as despite his victory he had feeling there were deadlier battles to be fought yet.
"Don't fret, Garfield. Lex Luthor is still out there and that shiny dome of his probably has a dirty secret or two!" Superman cheered Garfield up with a pat on the back.
Garfield then noticed the Lasagna Signal, the special signal he had given his old friend Commissioner Gordon from the Prohibition Days of Chicago to replace the bat-signal of Gotham's disgraced and fallen hero Batman, lighting up the night sky.
"Want to come over for dinner, Garfield? Lois Lane is baking lasagna tonight and is aching to see you again." Superman said with invitations.
"Sorry Superman, but my date with Lois Lane's lasagna is gonna have to wait. The night is but young and there's still adventure to be had." Garfield waved good-bye to Superman as he nodded and flew off. As the Last Son of Krypton flew home, the First Son of Lasagna Garfield dusted himself off and then leapt the tall buildings of Gotham in a single bound towards the GCPD where his next escapade awaited.
Meanwhile elsewhere in Gotham City Lex Luthor blindly stumbled out of alleyway soaked in his own peach tea. All day since he had laid eyes on Garfield the Metropolis Megalomaniac had run around in fear like a headless chicken, running whenever his fear and the road took him.
"Oh that damn Garfield! Always interfering with my plans and bringing that infernal Superman along with him as well! One day I will finaly destroy him!" Seethed Lex Luthor with pure hatred as he turned a corner and saw he was at a set of stairs leading down to a lower street.
"Garfield will be destroyed but not by you! But you will have front row spectators seat from Hades' comedy club!" Said a nihilistically humorous new voice.
From the bottom of the stairs, a figure emerged from the shadows as Skrillex's Purple Lamborghini song played. Lex Luthor squinted and saw that this was a lithe, dancing man in a gangsta purple coat and track pants with no shirt showing exposed tattooed skin underneath. There was something familiar about this man, like Lex Luthor had met him before perhaps even worked with him, but also totally awash in strangeness.
"Stay back!" Lex Luthor warned as he waved arms maencingly at the stranger. "Do you know who I am? How easily I can destroy your life with the press of a button?"
"Got no button on you now though! But no worries! I can lend you mine!" The man ignored Lex Luthor's warnings and waltzed up the stairs. As he did he flung something that doinked Lex Luthor on the nose. Lex Luthor frowned and picked it up. It was a clothing button, like Corduroy the Bear's.
"What is the meaning is? Is this a joke?" Asked Lex Luthor and he got a sudden realization as the last word left his mouth. But it was too late as tiny spinning razor blades burst out of the button's sides andsliced his fingers off.
"Aaaaaaaagh!" Lex Luthor cried and he fell, collapsed in pain. He looked pu in time to see the face of his attacker. As the green-haired all-white face covered all over in tattoos including iconic Damaged Tattoo on forehead came into view, Lex Luthor knew that he was at the mercy of none other than The Joker.
"Joker! How can it be Garfield killed you!" Lex Luthor bawled in confusion.
"You can't keep a good joke down." The Joker replied mysteriously and then he sadistically ripped off Lex Luthor's wig and lit a match on Lex Luthor's bald head. The Joker then smoked a cigarette and leered at Lex Luthor.
"Don't kill me Joker! We are on the same side! We both want Garfield dead!" Lex Luthor begged as The Joker took his head by his gloved hands and rubbed all over.
"Oh Lexy don't be sad! C'mon now… smile. You didn't just become some marvelous superheroine while I was away, did ya?" The Joker said with timely pop culture joke as he traced lines for him to follow with his cigarette on the corners of Lex Luthors mouth. Lex Luthor screamed and kicked but he knew there was no escape and he brewed the biggest batch of peach tea he had ever brewed and even baked some coffee pound cake.
"How considerate! You brought yourself a last meal! But a tight frownypuss like you, I don't know if you can fit any of that in your mouth! But don't worry, Uncle Joker's here to help you OPEN WIDE!" The Joker cackled as he flicked open a switch blade and stuck it into Lex Luthor's mouth.
The Joker cut to the right, and then cut to the left. And cut and cut until Lex Luthor was more extinct than the T-Rex.
It felt good to be back. But the fading light bulb before him was little more than warm-up, tired old slapstick and passionless stand-up, for the main attraction.
The co-star of the show had no idea what surprises The Joker had in store for him.
The Joker smacked his lips and wondered how good Garfield's orange fur would look all soaked in red blood.
To be continued…