Garfield League of America 2 Chapter Three – All-New All-Daring Joker Rebirth!
A few hours later The Joker had killed an entire Subway car of passengers and was riding the subway meaninglessly in a loop.
Something horrible had just happened to The Joker that threw his whole plan for killing Garfield for a curve into the ocean of purgatory spinning.
"How could this have happened to me, the Gentleman Prince of Crime?" Demanded The Joker as he lamented the harshness of the Universe's Cruelty and his mind tumbled into painful flashback to a few hours ago.
In the monochrome world of The Joker's flashback The Joker was in high spirits after killing Lex Luthor and thinking of ways he could direct this energy into the ultimate gag, the first and final destruction of America and Earth's ultimate hero Garfield.
"I will need to cream a little in my coffee before I go." The Joker remarked as he rubbed his chin and pulled out his phone.
SORRY BABE 4 THE WAIT BUT IM BACK READY 2 REV UR HARLEY The Joker wrote in a text that he then sent to his girlfriend Harley Quinn.
The Joker waited for hours for a response just sitting where he was letting so many crimes he couldl have committed just pass by and add onto the unpaved road of untaken paths in life. But he did not even get a notification that his text had been read.
Finally The Joker got fed up of waiting.
"What got into this womanfolk? Usually she is more punctual in replying to mey text flirting than the porcupine! But now she is scarcer than DVD of The Day The Clown Cried!" The Joker complained with cinema comedy history reference as he stomred off to the derlelict comey club where his secret gang headquarters was piror to his untimaly death at Garfield's hands.
When The Joker arrived at his secret hq where there used to be hundreds of clown-faced gangstas there was only Bob the Goon left. Bob the Goon sat unwashed in decaying clothes on a stool built of his own hardened stools, almost skeletal.
"Joker you are back! I knew death wouldn't keep you from blessing Gotham with the funnies!" Bob the Goon spang to life and worshipped with sycophantism.
"Bob the Goon where the blazes is everyone! My man cave is emptier of laughs than a Adam Sandler movie!" The Joker ranted as he tore through the nearly unfurnished pad with the ferocity of a midwest twister.
"Joker you have been dead for a year. Except for yours truly everyone else has since joined Black Masks gang because he offers free medical insurance and retirement without execution unlike you." Informed Bob the Goon with dire news as loyalty still sparked for The Joker in his glazed over bloodshot eyes.
"Who the hell is Black Mask? Could the fool have come up with more insipid uninspired name for villainy? Damn it you cannot depend on criminality for anything!" The Joker fumed before he took a deep breath. "Tell me did this Black Mask gagster steal my Harley as well?"
"No Joker he did not..." The Joker breathed relief but then Bob the Goon finished his sentence."… but that is only because Garfield got his paws on her first." Bob the Goon hesistated speaking but finally spilled the full burned beans for The Joker.
"MOTHER OF MERCY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SOCIETY?" The Joker went utterly ballistic upon hearing the news. Seething red and all that, The Joker seized Bob the Goon by the neck.
"Joker noo wait I am just messenger and were all my years of loyalty for nothing?" Bob the Goon pleaded with fear.
"If I start rewarding loyalty now then that will never be the end of it." The Joker stated bluntly with the importance of keeping up image.
Bob the Goon wept for his mother and the Virgin Mary.
"Don't cry Bob the Goon, I have special last joke just for you as consolation. It's a real gutbuster." The Joker joked but not very humorously as he reached and ripped out Bob the Goon's innards barehanded.
As Bob the Goons' corpse sprawled out as The Joker dropped it, The Joker watched his smileless reflection in the expanding deep red pool of Bob the Goon's blood. (this is a visual reference to the ending of Dario Argento's classic giallo thriller Deep Red) And whebn The Joker looked up he realized that he was all alone with nothing but corpses and rotting foundations in an empty comedy club.
"Is this the final harvest my illustrious career as Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime has yielded?" The Joker said to himself and realized how all the funny had been saped out of his rejuvenated rebirth spirit by one simple revelation.
he Joker realized he was washed out hasbeen who had all his henchman stolen by an upstart hotshot and his woman stolen by his greatest nemesis. Is this how society had chosen to reward him? Something was so very wrong with it then The Joker decided.
The Joker found a chair that was setill in one piece and slujmpe down in it, popped open a warm expired and flat grape fanta from his moldy cooler not sure what to do next as hedrank.
To set the atmosphere for what happened next , Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb from The Wall album and movie began to play. The Jokers eyes started getting heavy and bfore he knew it he was halluicanting.
The Joker found himself reliving important events from his past from traumatic childhood to struggling career as failed stand-up comedian to offing Jason Todd Robin and getting pummeled b Batman for it. And inserted in all these events as the meddler behind his calamities was Garfield , his cruel orange will enforcing itself upon helpless The Joker, even in the events where it was Batman that ruined him.
The Joker then found himself wandering down several hall of mirrors, each door leading to a new hall with a Joker of times past. The Joker saw himself as he had reinvented himself over the years to stay fresh for his arch-enemy, first the Batman and then the even bigger catch of Garfield.
The Joker silently bounced down memory lane as he saw himself turn from a campy jokester to a menacing crime boss to a agent of chaos and finally the tattooed damaged gangsta.
And The Joker reached a door that looked brand new. That had never been opened. The Joker then knew that it was leading to another rebirth.
Just as The Joker reached for the handle, he woke up. He looked at the blood on his hands and wiped it off with a handkerchief.
But then saw after wiping instead of no blood his entire hand was bloodied with the entirety of the blood he had shed throughout his long career as a supervillain ever since one bad day had set him upon this path. But was it really the fault of one bad day or just his warped mind finding something external to pass the blame onto? The Joker rubbed with fast furiosity but none of the blood wiped off. The Joker felt strange, hazy, like his mind was somewhere else entirely than his body at the present.
"How strange. Perhaps I am so badly damaged I cant even tell where the dream ends and reality begins." The Joker mused without even a single giggle.
Then with sudden contempt for the tattoos all over his body, The Joker removed his iconic Damaged tattoo by reaching up and tearing the skin straight of his head. Peeling himself like a banana, The Joker was soon standing with exposed flesh and he started to pick pick pick at his flesh trying to find the joke in all this.
Until finally with scream that was half pain and half laughter, The Joker tore himself straight to the bone. And the world turned white as he ripped open his ribcage and a new The Joker emerged from The Jokers remains like a butterfly leaving the cocoon doing the iconic pose from The Killing Joke comic.
The Joker then woke up in a dressing room in his comedy club. Classic 60s pop rock song Laughing by The Guess Who played as he sat back gazing at the ceiling smooking a cigarette. Evidently all he had just experienced was a hallucination caused by fatna.
The Joker finally took al ook in the mirror and saw that in his hallucinatory haze he had rebirthed himself like the phoenix.
Gone was the gaudy purple clothing and all his tattoos. Not a trace of purple was left on his being as The Joker saw that his green hair was longer and he now was wearing white clown paint as his skin had returned to a non-bleached pigment. He wore a cheap looking red-orange suit, with a yellow vest and a green shirt underneath.
The Joker smiled and saw that his grill was gone too. Pearly whites that would soon be rubbed with the toothpaste of his foes blood.
Discord of thoughts swirled like witchs cauldron in his mind. And soon these thoughts zeroed in on feelings of rage and betrayal for his past life.
"Who is this no-name shmuck who thinks he can do the hokey-pokey into my town and become its new king without putting in hard the work that I did?" The Joker first ranted about Black Mask as he prepared a voodoo doll of what he thought Black Mask looked like and stabbed it many times with his sewing needles.
"And Harley you harlot! I thought you loved me! I was a gentleman kingpin in a sea of ragamuffin hoods and you left me for that brutish jock called Garfield!" The Joker raved almost crying as he stared at himself in the mirror and wailed madly.
"Why does society never reward hard-workers like me and only its leeches and brutes? AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS BOTHERD BY ANY OF THIS?" The Joker said as he knew that clearly none of his problems were his fault, it was the society that he lived in's. The Joker tried to clam down and take a deep breath as he stared deepy at himself in the mirror.
"You will pay. You will all paaaaaaay!" The Joker cried like mad baby whose rattle was taken away in front of the mirror. The Joker sobbed like a runny faucet as he knew that they would all pay. Not just Garfield, Harley Quinn and Black Mask but all of society! The Joker knew then what he had to do. He would find all the dregs and nobodies who had similarly been mistreated by this cruel cruel world of modern American society and he would lead and uinte them as legion! To rise and wreak their vengeance upon the world that had refused to give them their dues! And from the flaming carcass of this society, Joker's Legion would build a new society of laughs and smiles.
"But who is the most oppressed group in society today? Blacks and woman are soooo old hat." The Joker asked with problematic opinion as he flipped open his phone and asked Siri the big question.
Meanwhile at the same time that this was happening, Commissioner Gordon was on the rooftop of the GCPD, watching a giant signal of light shaped like lasagna reflect onto the night clouds of Gotham City.
Suddenly Commissioner Gordon felt the hairs on his neck stick up and his whole body come alive with the goosebumps and shivers. The air around him cackled, like excess manliness had suddenly shot up in the area.
Without warning, Garfield descended from the sky without a parachute and made ap erfect landing right in front of Commissioner Gordon.
"Garfield right in the nick of time! A matter you may find interesting has come up like a hot potato!" Commissioner Gordon said as he puffed his pipe.
"Spill it to me, Commish. I am all ready to go cracking on bad guys till I'm tipsy from their blood." Garfield cracked his knuckles itching for another action packed night of action.
"Your old foe Lex Luthor was found dead a while ago in an alley! We have evidence to believe that is The Joker who killed him! Perhaps you can track down Joker and bring him in for questionings?" Commissioner Gordon requested of Garfield.
Garfield just shrugged. "Sorry Commish but I was gonna take care of Where's Baldo myself when I had the time. And The Joker is strictly soggy small fry spilled out of carton at bottom of bag, utterly beneath my attention. A mall rent-a-cop can take care of him. Anything else?"
"Very well Garfield. I have it on good authority that Gotham's new crime lord the Black Mask is planning to break into your Gotham City penthouse to steal your stuff." Informed Commissioner Gordon with seriousness.
" With a pad in every American city, criminal scum was bound to get gutsy enough to try taking a shot at one eventually. But no one dares to steal my stuff and lives to tell the tale .Let this Black Mask try, it will be all the more intestines to strangle him with." Said Garfield with calmness that belied his growing interest in beating the stuffing out of Black Mask. As he said that, Garfield also privately wondered if perhaps Black Mask was connected to the greater mystery of Boss Dark Side, because black was a dark color after all.
"You will not have to take on Black Mask alone! Gotham has some spicy ladies thristing to help you!" Said Commissioner Gordon with a wink and cue Garfield heard feminine footsteps walking stylishly in sync towards him.
From out of the shadows emerged a colorful superheroine team. Garfield raised an eybrow in interpest as he recognized their gorgeous feminine forms as they broke off individually to introduce themselves like characters in a cartoon show.
"Sup Garfield every day I'm thinking of you and counting down the days until I turn eighteen." Said a teenage lymph in a stitched-together gimp-looking Batgirl suit as she somersaulted onto a gargoyle and posed. She then removed her cowl to reveal mouthwatering blend sweeter than a fresh fruit smoothie of Western and Eastern features. It was Cassandra Cain, Batgirl!
"Looking forward to it, kiddo." Said Garfield with mentorly kindness as he leapt up and high-fived Cassandra Cain.
"Question Garfield is that the legendary Lasagna Sword Garfield in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" Questioned a woman dressed fashionably in a detective coat and hat with a featureless face mask as she appeared from out of a puff of smoke. It was The Question! The Question then took it off her mask to reveal spicy brown Latina features of Renee Montoya former detective of Gotham City Major Crimes Unit!
"Why don't we wrap up in the sheets after work like an enchilada and I show you?" Winked Garfield as he unsheathed the Lasagna Sword Garfield stuck it in the ground and did flirtatious revving motion on the handle.
"Sorry Garfield but window shopping is the closest you'll get with me because I am a Lesbian Homosecks!" Renee Montoya revealed with homosexuality. "The only things that make my hearts skip beats are naked sexy women and mindless bloodshed."
"Puts a rain on my parade but it don't worry me! Still, stick with me, maam and you'll get plenty of what gets you hotter than the sun." Promsied Garfield as he respectfully respected Renee Montoyas sexual orientation of Lesbian Homosecks cause that was the American thing to do.
(Authors note: Garfields line it don't worry me is also reference to Nashville a classic American music drama film directed by Robert Altman)
"And it also means theres more of Garfield for me!" Said a delighted voice belonging to a blonde woman in black biker punk fashion clothes. It was Black Canary and she did cartwheels and flips and landed in front of Garfield on her knees with doting eyes.
"Pretty Bird, you will be Crying Canary cause I got eggbeater ready to yolk your nest." Promised Garfield of steamy love that awaited.
"Oh Garfield you are such the charmer! Green Arrow is nothing but a toddler lost in toy store begging for Mommy next to you!" Black Canary giggled and blushed.
"And last but not least is me!" In came a woman with multi-dyed hair all painted up doing striptease out of a red harlequin outfit bent over constantly to show Garfield her behind. It was Harley Quinn
"Oh Daddy let me be your Little Monster!" Begged Harley Quinn as she joined Black Canary on her knees, and together the two minxes took cuddled a leg each.
"There is only one place for a monster in Garfield's house and that is the Love Dungeon!" Garfield joked flirtatiously as he grabbed Harley Quinn with surprise and placed her on his knee as he kneeled. "Now Papa Spank!"
Garfield then spanked Harley Quinn for the amusement of the other women as they clapped and cheered Garfield on and Commissioner Gordon who just smiled and took a satisfying prlonged drag on his pipe.
"Harder harder harder Garfield! Until Im so raw I cant eat nothing but pudding from your tube!" Harley Quinn demanded more through agonized shrieks of pleasure that came with every spank.
"This is just teaser for the full banquet tonight, naughty foxy." Promised Garfield as he rolled Harley Quinn off of him and let her get a breather.
"Together we are the Birds of Prey!" Proclaimed Black Canary wth team name as the vigilante queens all jumped into formation and posed.
"An all-woman crew? A A-plus rating from my eyes and pants. I will enjoy preying on you all." Garfield thumbed up in approval.
"First things firs though! We must stop Black Mask before any slumber party shenanigans can go down!" Black Canary reminded Garfield with responsibilies. "But believe me Garfield me going down on you will make that wait worth it!"
"We must rendezvous with our insider in Black Masks gang, The Huntress, first!" Cassandra Cain showed Garfield a picture of a moody looking hooded vigilante woman with catholic assassin themed garb.
"A Catholic, huh? I'll absolve her of that guilt and give her a New God to pray to." Garfield winked with romantic scheming as he itched with anticipation of seeing the Huntress in the flesh.
Garfield then cleared his throat for a motivational speech before he and the Birds of Prey set out on their first hunt together.
"By sunrise Black Mask and his gang will be nothing more than a memory of failure rotting in the cemetaries, all their hopes and ambitions burnt to ashes of patheticness scattered to oblivion among the winds! For from the moment Black Mask dared to partake in criminality on the America under my protection he was jogging on borrowed time in quicksand. And I have finally come to take that time back. This will be a glorious dawn for heroes in Gotham, I can feel it in my muscles. And among you silky siren, who too feels it?" Garfield asked of the Birds of Prey.
All of the Birds of Prey cheered and shook their fists in the air even Renee Montoya.
"Then to me, my songbirds! And lets go crack Black Masks mask in two and along with it his head!" Garfield led the way as he leapt off the GCPD rooftop and activated his jetpack and blasted off with justice raging in his heart and the Birds of Prey followed.
"Go get 'em, champ." Commissioner Gordon smiled content knowing that all would be well with Garfield on the case as he went to turn off the Lasagna Signal.
But little did the Commissioner Gordon know of other strange darknesses brewing within his fair city. For at this moment after heeding the answer of Siri The Joker wandered into a GameStop store filled with nerds.
The Joker took a look at all the nerds wandering the aisles lined with games. They truly were the least manly pathetic specimens of humanity he had ever laid eyes upon. But they may very well be what he was loking for.
"Oh no it's the Joker has he come to kill us all?" Asked one nerd all acned up and over overweight.
"That depends, gents. Tell me, good sirs… are you… gamers?" The Joker asked with a voice laced with both curiousity and threatening meance.
"Um… yes?" Replied another nerd wearing size 10 glasses and balding before his age.
"Then no instead I have come bearing gifts. For the time has come for men like us to take what is properly ours. We have allowed society to trample upon us long enough! Nevermore shall you be picked last in gym nor shall the football star steal your waifu again! Under my command, you will birth a new world where I shall rule as king and you as my princes! GAMERS, IT IS TIME TO RISE UP!" The Joker reached into his pockets and pulled out hundreds of clown masks. The gamers all cheered as they picked up The Joker's masks and suited up.
The Joker snapped his fingers and trucks carrying loads of assault weapons and explosives crashed into the GameStop spilling their contents and knocking over everything. Riotous the gamers went loose with their new firearm manna and wrecked and looted the GameStop, but were careful not to destroy any games except those by EA.
"Beautiful. Oh darling, you have no idea what awaits you now." The Joker laughed like the werewolf on a full moon.
"Be My Baby" by The Ronettes started to play as The Joker thought of Garfield and the myriad of ways in which he would torture the man before he finally allowed Garfield to die as The Joker gathered up his army of gamers and like marching bad leader led them out into the night and an unsuspecting Gotham City.
To be continued…