Garfield League of America 2 Chapter Four – Sympathy for Lady Vengeance!
In Gotham City there was a building that stood out above the rest. When the Wayne Tower symbol of the corrupt institutions that had long ravaged the city had been brought crashing town, the aweinspiring Garfield Tower had sprouted in its place like a rejuvenating beanstalk. Where once a W had cominated the Gotham skyline, now it was a G.
At the very top of the Garfield Tower was Garfield's personal luxury penthouse, one of the thousands he had established throughout America and the rest of the world. It had stood as an impenetrable fortress and beacon of security and justice until tonight.
For at this very moment, the nefarious new golden boy of Gotham crime the Black Mask was breaking into Garfield's penthouse with thieving intents on his mind.
With lockpicking the Black Mask opened the doors to Gotham Penthouse and he and his elite personal guard began sneaking through with flashlights.
"Gee boss I do not like this. What if Garfield comes home? It is so dangerous!" Said Black Mask Henchman with worries to his boss, an intimidating tall man in white suit and full-head covering black mask, the Black Mask.
"Do not fear, my good chum! Garfield is bound to be out of town on another one of his adventures and we will be in and out and done before he even has an inkling that we have pulled the heist of the century on him!" Reassured Black Mask as he gave Black Mask Henchman a calming pat on the back.
"But why must we rob Garfield? Even if we get away scot-free Garfield may still find out and make us pay like the piper!" The Black Mask Henchman continued to blubber.
"Because for eons Garfield has been the bleeding thorn in the side of all criminality! The one who has always foiled our schemes and lapped up all the riches and women while we toiled below in his shadow! The greatest villains of history have fallen before his heroic manliness but if we can be the first to outwit Garfield then we shall skyrocket to the top of criminal hierarchy! All the underworld shall bow before us!" Black Mask proclaimed before he put his hands on his Black Mask Henchmans shoulders while his other henchmans went through Garfields furniture looking for his money and jewels. "But if you are truly frightened for your life and wish to return to HQ, I shall not hold it against you. I understand what it is to fear a true worthy enemy like Garfield. But just know that you shall only have brushed against glory, rather than basked in it!"
Hearing Black Masks motivating words, the Black Mask Henchman straightened up like his body had been injected with spunk.
"I hear you, Boss! I will be part of your glory no matter what!" The Black Mask Henchman beamed as he scurried off to join his comrades in looting Garfield's penthouse.
"And if my insiders were correct, then this penthouse houses not only Garfield's riches but also the secret vault containing his darkest secret! Let's see how long he stays America's Favorite Hero when it is out in open like the deer in headlights!" Black Mask rubbed his palms in anticipation. Then with some uncertainty he added. "But if only my right-hand gal and number-one hitgirl, The Huntress were here! Where could my Earth Angel be on such a glorious night? Ah she better not be packin pounds on at the pizzeria!"
But little did the Black Mask know that the Huntress was not as far as he thought she was. Or that his gal was not his pal after all! For at this moment, perched on a rooftop across from Garfield's penthouse, the Huntress watched her boss commit his felonies from binoculars as she awaited a rendezvous of heroic treachery!
Clothed in melancholic hues of purple and black with white accents The Huntress was a hooded beauty of ruby lips and skin like the pale moonlight with a crossbow strapped to her side.
"It's about damn time! I was starting to think of trading back to the winning team!" Said The Huntress with impatience as she heard the Birds of Prey swoop down from above her.
"Damn Girlfriend did no one teach you that slow and steady wins the race?" Replied Black Canary with mocking.
"I am not your girlfriend and I am not like you lily-livered superzeroes. Like the Black Mask you are nothing more than means to an end, a rent-a-bulldozer for the wreck of the hour in my unending quest for vengeance against not just mobsters who killed my mobster family but all the mob!" The Huntress brooded with angst as she recounted her backstory.
"Ooh aren't you a moody one! Did someone get your coffee order wrong?" Harley Quinn squealed with mockery.
"Dime store hobag we don't give no gingerbread man about your secret origin." Renee Montoya shot back with rude dismissal.
"Yeah all we care about is that you'll watch our backs when the bullets are flying." Cassandra Cain added in agreement.
"If nothing else you can count on me for that." The Huntress admitted begrugindly.
"I hope you enjoy the sight of my back, because you won't be seeing hide nor hair of it when I got you pinned on yours." Flirted Garfield as he strutted out of the shadows with a rose in hand and knelt before The Huntress in offering.
Expecting another pretty gal to fall to his charms like a dollhouse in a hurricane, Garfield was taken somewhat aback when a wave of revulsion shocked through Huntress' face.
"IL DIAVOLO ARANCIO!" The Huntress yelped with disgust at the sight of Garfield's charming smile. With a harpy shriek she slapped the rose out of Garfields hand and as it brushed by his face a thorn slightly cut it.
Garfield felt the cut and saw his fingers stained with his blood. He tasted his blood, it vaguely tasting of lasagna. When he looked back at Huntress she was pointing her crossbow point blank at him with shaking hands.
"I have dreamed of this day, Garfield! The day my bolt of vengeance ends your two-faced façade of justice and I make gelato with your blood!" The Huntress said with hatred. She was about to pull the trigger when Black Canary dashed in and wrenched her back.
"What the blazes has gotten into you cannoliface? Garfield is America's Greatest Hero and you must have grown up with rocks for brains if you think he ain't on our side!" Black Canary said with common sense as she shook The Huntress.
"Wait do you mean that Garfield is the secret contact that you said you would bring! You foolish wench you bring not our salvation but our damnation!" The Huntress raved as she and Black Canary began to slap each other before they went for the hair. Soon it was all out brawl on the rooftop as Black Canary ahd the Huntress were getting dirty and their clothes torn up as they rolled and pulled on one another.
"This is not usually why women end up fighting over me, but hey, a free show's a free show." Said Garfield with entertainment as he broke out a lawnchair and relaxed on it.
Renee Montoya joined him as she was into the sight of her superheroine allies beating the stuffing out of each other just as much as Garfield was and hooted like a excited monkey as some blood came flying as Black Canary roundhouse kicked The Huntress in the mouth and landed on her.
"This is like so going on my instagram!" Said Cassandra Cain cause she was a millennial and that's what they do as she hopped onto Garfield's lap and pulled her smartphone out as The Huntress tried tearing what was left of Black Canarys shirt off of her.
Harley Quinn then ruined everything as she pulled the two clashing hellcats apart. She hit both Black Canary and The Huntress in their deposit boxes with her hammer to force a breather.
"Has everyone but me forgotten we're on the clock here?" Harley Quinn pointed out with responsibility.
But it was too late because at that moment an explosion went off in Garfield's penthouse shattering all the windows and blowing fire out all the sides. And from out of the flames came flying Black Mask and his gang in their escape helicopter.
"Black Mask! Where the hell do you think you're going with that?" Asked Garfield with demands as he saw attached to Black Masks helicopter on a hook was the Secret Vault containing his Darkest Secret.
"You were so wrapped up in your personal drama you did not anticipate me unwrapping your securest sanctuary!" Sneered the Black Mask as he threw Garfield a rude gesture. "Oh it's such a perfect day and I'm glad I stole it from you!"
"You just won free tickets to hell to cap off this perfect day with dinner with the Devil." Garfield said as he whipped out his two Desert Eagles and fired but with expert piloting the Black Mask helicopter dodged his bullets and what bullets hit bounced off cause the helicopter was fully armored up.
"It's over Garfield! I have the high ground! So I'm afraid I'll have to be returning these tickets to you." Black Mask said with mock apologeticism as he motioned for his one of his henchmen to saunter up with a stinger missile launcher.
The henchman then fired a barrage of missiles at Garfield, while Black Mask flew off into the night.
"Damn it get behind me ladies!" Garfield said protectively as he pulled out Lasagna Sword Garfield and thrust it onto the concrete. The Birds of Prey scurried behind Garfield, with Harley Quinn dragging relucatant The Huntress in as well. Several large cracks spread in the foundation from where Garfield pierced it, and beams of chi exploded from out of those cracks. Garfield harnessed the chi as he muttered ancient lasagna magic incantations making Lasagna Sword Garfield light up like the Fourth of July and he created a barrier dome that the missiles shattered harmlessly off of.
When the dust cleared and the chi barrier dissipated everyone had their venomous sights turned onto Hutnress.
"You lunatic loony thanks to you Black Mask has stolen Garfield's darkest secret and gotten away with it! He will surely leak it to hurt Garfield now!" Yelled Black Canary with contempt as Cassandra Cain and Harley Quinn had to restrain her from starting round two while Renee Montoya looked on in disappointment at the restraining.
"Good! I have carried Garfield's darkest secret with me since childhood and Black Mask will do justice by bringing it to light!" The Huntress said with what she thought was dark revelation catching everyone's attention except for Garfield who was smoking a lasagna cigarette in the background.
"What the hell are you blathering about now, white girl?" Renee Montoya demanded to know
"Garfield is not the All-American beacon of heroism and manliness you think he is! For in fact he was also the most vicious underworld killer once upon a time! I know this because I saw him kill my family!" Revealed The Huntress with startling bombshell making all the Birds of Prey gasp.
Cassandra Cain then turned to Garfield with despseration in her eyes.
"Garfield please tell me that this is not true! You saved me from the heartless killer destiny that my father David Cain had in store for me! How can I continue as a hero if I find out you are no different from him?" Cassandra Cain begged with hope that The Huntress was liar.
Garfield took a long silent drag of his cigarette. He tried to remember what in blazes the Huntress was blathering about.
"Justice is truly blind if it has let your bloodthirsty brutality go unpunished all these years!" The Huntress snarled hatefully.
Garfield was really struggling to think of the exact mob slaughter The Huntress was referring to. With millions dead at his heroic hands over the decades all but the best blurred together on immediate recall and Huntress' family whoever they were were far from the best.
"I am Helena Bertinelli, the last of the Bertinelli family! And I condemn you, Garfield!" Swore The Huntress with lust for revenge as she shook her crossbow like a spastic.
Huntress tehn had a sepia-toned flashback to the last happy day of her childhood.
Little Helena Bertinelli before she was The Huntress was happily running and leaping through the aisles and drinking out of the holy water.
"Yippee I love being a kid! I hope I'm always this happy forever!" Said Helena Bertinelli with happiness as she blew out holy water like a whale.
"Hush my darling magpie this is a momentous occasion! For this is the day that the Bertinellis unite with the Falcone Family to usher in new age of mob powerhouse in Gotham City!" Said Dad Bertinelli like a man on the top of the world as he caugt Helena Bertinelli like a salmon in a stream and ran affectionate hand through her hair.
The entire Falcone and Bertinelli Crime Families were under one roof and Father Priest was getting ready to unite the two through the sacred rite and tradition of marriage.
"Before we finalize vows does anyone have any objections to this marriage?" Asked Father Priest with innocuous.
"Yeah, I do. I got fifty… fifty caliber!" Quipped a manly voice familiar to the denizens of the underworld that shot righteous fear down their wormy spines from outside. And without further warning, the door was kicked down and standing there was Garfield in a classy black hitman suit with white shirt and black tie sipping a large cup of lasagna cola before tossing it aside and whipping out his Desert Eagles.
Stepping into view alongside Garfield was his best friend Odie with a flamethrower (this is before Odie showed his true colors during the Lasagnafall and became Garfield's worst enemy) and his two good war buddies Tommy Monaghan and Natt the Hat, both wielding tommy guns and chomping on cigars.
"I haven't seen such a rich buffet begging to be devoured since the time I briefly died and got a peek at Lasagna Heaven." Garfield said as he looked at all the mobsters referencing his experience during the Crisis on Infinite Earths. He then cocked his Desert Eagles.
"Well I bet you ain't in any hurry to get back there, endless all-you-can-eat or no! So let's get this on!" Joked Odie as he sparked a few warm-up flames with his flamethrower.
"Screw this I am outta here to become cult favorite comic book writer! Jesus is too dangerous a profession!" Said Father Priest as he ripped off his frock to become just Priest and ran off in his underwear into the night.
"Hide yourself my little one!" Begged Dad Bertinelli as he pushed Helena Bertinelli to the safety of hiding in the confessional booth, as Garfield and his comrades and the assembled mobsters opened fire on each other.
Dad Bertinelli then got his head turned into a watermelon on a Gallagher sketch by Garfield's Desert Eagles.
Hidden away in the darkness of the confessional Helena Bertinelli was privy to nothing but the screams and the cries of the dying and the arid smell of gunsmoke. She wept and whimpered as she felt and barely saw blood of many ebbing and leaking into the booth and washing onto her. She slid the door slightly open and to her silent horror saw her mother slump from bullets and bleed to dying in front of her.
Her mother reached out for her with bloody fingers and stained blood on her. Helena Bertinelli then fearfully closed the door again as she heard her mother scream as Odie flamethrower finishered her.
"This has a mighty good time, Garfield. I might just give this hitman gig a permanent try after today!" Said Tommy Monaghan with compliments to Garfield as Helena Bertinelli heard the sounds of footsteps exiting the church.
Traumatized she shuddered and basked in dark dirtiness for hours long after the massacre had ended. When Helena Bertinelli stepped out, she saw she was only survivor in a cathedral remodeled as charnal house. And her mind broke until all that was left was revenge.
Back in the present The Huntress had readied her crossbow again at Garfield's head, but her hands still shook like they were dipped in a cauldron of emotional messiness.
"Does the name of my family jog your memory, Garfield? Do you understand now why I hate you so, why you deserve to die?" Demanded The Huntress itching for satisfaction and her vendetta to be appeased, while the Birds of Prey looked on in dreaded suspense for Garfield's response.
Garfield finished his cigarette, tossed it over his shoulder off the roof, and then shrugged.
"I'm sorry, but I don't remember any of it." Garfield replied truthfully as he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a flask and a shot glass. This was good enough for all of the Birds of Prey, who breathed sighs of relief and wiped their brows.
"HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER! MY ENTIRE FAMILY SLAUGHTERED BY YOUR DAMEND HANDS!" The Huntress went ballistic but Garfield cut her off as he poured whiskey into his shot glass and sniffed it like a connoisseur.
"For you the day I killed the brood of evildoing cockroaches dressed up in suits and make-up who called themselves the Bertinellis was the most important day of your life. But for me it was Monday." Garfield said with hard honesty as he sipped his whiskey once abnd let out a satisfied ahh then threw the rest of the shot over his shoulder as well off the roof.
"Whatever, I'm sure this can all be cleared up over some pillow talk when I'm done with Black Mask." Garfield chuckled with some romance and The Huntress' face wnet all red.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, FAT CAT! I SWEAR-" The Huntress started to rant but then Harley Quinn shut her up by double-kneeing her in the breasts.
Garfield saw this and just laughed.
"Aw shaddup ya silly billy!" Harley Quinn got into The Huntress' face as she tried to scream some sense through her thick skull. "Can ya not see that Garfield killing the rest of your family freed you from going down the same path of wickedness as them? His act inspired you to spend your entire life battling criminality! Unlike me, you will never have the years of shame spent in villainy under your belt. Garfield is not your devil, he is your savior! Get those gears in your head unjammed, cause this petty lil misguided vendetta of yours has cost us damn diamonds in minutes tonight!"
These words shook The Huntress as they forced her to confront hard truths that she had been avoiding for the whole twenty-something years of her life. She collapsed to her knees and took a hard long looke at Garfield, who was consulting with Cassandra Cain over the results of the Bat Tracer she had thrown onto Black Masks helicopter earlier.
Where she once saw the horns of the Devil himself around Garfield, instead she now began to see the faint aura of manly radiant justice around him. The Huntress silently pondered the big question, could she have been wrong about Garfield her entire life? Was the killing of her entire family really a hero doing his part for the good of the world, rather than the injustice she had always thought it to be?
And the way Garfield's hair flowed in the breeze, the way the rain bounced off of his glistening muscles. Oh The Huntress was but a human female with needs like all the rest and she had tried for so long in vain to fill them with fruitless hate sex and later on murder sex with inadequate lovers who were no better than schoolboys in the privy.
In her research of Garfield over the years The Huntress knew all about how he was able to give a woman what she needed in the ways that other men could not.
"Am I a hollow woman?" The Huntress asked to herself with nervous breakdown looming.
The Huntress flung herself at Garfield's feet.
"Please forgive me for my irrational womanly impudence, great Garfield!" The Huntress begged with neediness, creating revolt across the faces of the Birds of Prey as they witnessed her pathetic display.
"Earn my forgiveness by helping me bring that fool Black Mask back to Earth. Maybe I'll even let you be the one to bury him there." Ordered Garfield as he hoisted Huntress to her feet. Garfield then looked over the hooded vigilantress with his all-seeing inquisitive eye of the loveseeker.
"And maybe let me see how sexy you look stripping out of that getup, Sister Christian." Garfield winked and slapped The Huntress on the bum making her squeal as he and the rest of the Birds of Prey leapt off the rooftop and traversed the city in the direction of the Black Mask.
"Where has my lust for revenge gone? Why do I feel like a stranger wrapped around my own bones now? Garfield filled my entire family with lead but now I find myself wanting him to fill me up with something else entirely." The Huntress asked as she wobbled on the rooftop as her emotions lashed out all inside her like a hurricane in a lockbox. She blacked out for a moment and in her haze as all the world felt like a dream she saw herself lying next to Garfield in a bed naked.
The song "Glass Vase Cello Case" by Tattle Tale was playing as Garfield rubbed his big gentle man hands all over her body and he then covered her in whipped cream. Garfield tenderly licked and kissed the whipped cream off her body, until he found the pink velvet surprise in between her legs. Light overwhelmed all in The Huntress' hallucination as Garfield spread her legs apart and thudded right into her bullseye with his world record titanium crossbow bolt.
With a scream that was half horror and half pleasure, The Huntress awoke in agony on the rooftop. In confusion and self-loathing she starred at her crossbow, before forcing herself into composure as she saw Garfield and company in the distance. The Huntress took a nervous breath and then jumped off the rooftop, firing her grappling hook in the direction of Garfield.
While all this was happening, Garfield was totally unaware of the chaos that was filling Gotham City's streets.
The gamers had risen up, led by The Joker.
The Joker and his gamer army were wreaking havoc upon all of society in Gothamtown, and the rest of the city's police and superheroes were powerless to stop him.
"Society of Gotham City, you damn Veronicas had your chance to recognize the worth of a gentleman like me! But instead you chose to idolize damn dumb jocks like Garfield! So now you leave me no choice but to remind you why this city once feared circuses!" Said The Joker with mad evil as he threw grenades of his deadly joker venom gas everywhere.
"If only I had not sent Garfield to deal with Black Mask! But who could've forseen the resurgence of Joker? And Batman is too dead to stop Joker as well!" Said Commissioner Gordon with regrets as he got his gas mask on it time as he ran through the clouds as several of his GCPD officers fell down dead behind him.
"Neener neener hoo hoo it is twilight for Gotham City and your dawn shall never come. Now bring me Garfield so I shall perform the final execution of your warped society for all to see!" The Joker said with demands as he stepped over a burning river of corpses as the GCPD's frontline continued to fall.
"Never! I shall not negotiate with damaged two-bit comedians!" Said Commissioner Gordon with dedication to justice to the very end. He ran and gun and took down many of Joker's Gamer Clowns, but there were far too many and not enough bullets.
"Oof!" Said Commissioner Gordon as he was not paying enough attention and tripped on the corpse of Duke Thomas the Signal.
Commissioner Gordon found himself starring down the barrel of The Joker's magnum.
"I ain't damaged no more. I'm the walkin' Phoenix, reborn Crown Prince of Crime." The Joker insisted as he pulled the trigger. A flag with bang written on it popped out.
"Give yourself all the Participation Trophies you want Joker! You have always been insiginificant nobody and when Garfield finds out about your return he will send you back to the hell you deserve!" Commissioner Gordon laughed with defiance as he knew that The Joker's next click would bring a bullet and there was no escaep for him.
"Heh heh Garfield has no idea what I have become! With Gamers on my sie it will take an Act of God to stop me!" The Joker proclaimed with grandeur, unaware that the whiskey and cigarette that Garfield had thrown off earlier were about to land on him.
"Hey who is raining on my parade?" The Joker asked as the whiskey splashed all over him. He had no time to react when the cigarette, still smoking with embers, landed on him and set him alight.
Screaming like a Viking in a blizzard, The Joker stumbled back covered head to toe in fire and ran back through his entire gamer army. With their natural gamer excesses of sweat, they were easy flammable material and soon The Joker had destroyed his entire army.
And the burning air smelled much like lasagna.
"Act of God, Act of Garfield… what's the difference?" Smiled Commissioner Gordon as he got up to his feet, his fighting spirt blazing anew. Picking up a discarded Bren machine gun, Commissioner Gordon walked through the streets of Gotham City liberating it single-handedly as he mowed down hundreds of straggling Joker goons.
Commissioner Gordon finally reached The Joker, who was now a smoldering pile of meat that somehow clung onto life. He discarded his machine gun, and loaded into his service pistol a special "Anti-Resurrection" bullet Garfield gave to him for his 44th birthday.
"No this is not how my Killing Joke was to go down! I was to kill Garfield and repossess my Harley Not die like this!" The Joker managed to croak through toasted lungs.
"Oh your joke will kill, Joker. Kill you. Any last laughs, clown?" Said Commissioner Gordon readied to execute The Joker but suddenly a column of light like a UFO beam shot down from the sky and enveloped The Joker.
Blinded by the light, when his eyes cleared, Commissioner Gordon saw that the light and The Joker were gone. Only a post-it note with "XOXO Boss Dark Side" written on it floating down ominously.
Commissioner Gordon sighed and looked at all the corpses around him and everything The Joker had destroyed in his rampage.
Just another night in Gotham City. Commissioner Gordon took a puff of his pipe, and hoped Garfield was having a better time than he was.
To be continued…
Author's Note 1: If you were expecting climatic three-way showdown between The Joker, Black Mask, and Garfield after the build-up of last two chapters you have just had your expectations subverted. This is bold storytelling device utilized by auteur artists such as Ryan Johnson, Zach Snyder, Hideki Kojima, and David Benioff and DB Cooper.
Author's Note 2: If anyone from DC Comics is reading this, please put Hitman by Garth Ennis and John McCrea back in print for a new generation of readers to enjoy. It's better than Sandman. Thank you.