Ming of Yufeng

Honoiro, Capital of the Fire Nation, 96 AG

"I honor you, great spirit Agni,
Body of the sun overhead,
You who gifts us with the day.
May this sacrifice reach you,
And may it sustain you,
That you might protect us in turn."

I raise from my bow and turn to pick up the leafy crown I'd made, examining it with a critical eye. I'd never made one of these out of actual leaves rather than the needles of a burning-tree before, but the priests always told us it was the effort that mattered. I dip the crown so that it touches the flame of the candle I lit when I arrived, the brown leaves catching quickly, then I set it down in the stone offering bowl and bow again.

I trace the bright progress of the flames as they consume the crown in my minds eye, other prayers flitting through my mind in snatches of odd lines-

-burning sun, of growth-

-from Dusk to Dawn at midday passed-

And then the crown is gone, and I raise only to bow again, my prayer silent this time.

In reverence before the great Storm Lord Makani,
With awe I address you
Offering thanks for safe travels
Where, else, your storms might roam.

I raise and bow again.

With honor for Era, the Breeze-Swept Maid,
I honor you for your aid.
I offer this in gratitude for fair tailwinds,

That you might find your favor returned.

I sit up and reach for the feather I'd found in the forest back home. It lights easily, and after it's in the sacrifice bowl, I pour out the small cup of the cheapest alcohol I'd been able to purchase around the feather before I sink down again.

I'm not as close to Era and Makani, so this time, I just think as I wait. I regret that I must make this offering to Makani and his sister from his partner's temple. Still, it's a closer connection than the times I've worshiped Lord Agni in Lady Kun's temple when I left my village to sell our pottery. Your sibling's partner's sibling or your partner's sibling's partner is a bit of a stretch, whichever way you trace the connection.

The feather burns much quicker than the crown had, but it leaves the shaft behind. I sigh in relief as I shift to stand, then wince at the prickly feeling of blood returning to my legs.

"Let me-" Yazhu says, suddenly next to me. They pull me back a bit, then help me get my legs in front of me so that I don't have to put my weight on them. They rub my calves, making me hiss, as while it certainly means the pins and needles will stop faster, it kind of hurts now.

"Right." I sigh as the pain starts to fade away. "You said you have an altar for Tui and La as well, right?"

"Right," Yazhu confirms, letting me stand on my own and watching as I lean down to gather the other offerings I had prepared.

"How do you get away with that?"

"Well," Yazhu says, taking my nod as confirmation that I'm ready to move and turning towards the door, "despite what the Fire Lord would have the people think, we are a nation entirely surrounded by, and even divided by the ocean. That might not be enough for some people, but my family gets by on the excuse that we're sailors and merchants, and thus rather need the ocean to not kill us every time we're moving goods."

"Shouldn't you be able to have an altar for the Storm Lord as well on that principle?"

"No. When Sozin went after the . . . Air Nomads . . ."

"The Air Monks," I nod. I glance around as I step into the room set aside for an altar to Tui and La, technically only a portioned off section of the room that holds Agni's altar. For a place in the Fire Nation, they had done a wonderful job with the colors - a beautiful variety of saturated blues fill the scrolls that hang on the walls, images of the sea almost creating the illusion that the room was an island. "Your name stealing, not actually nomadic hypocrites, right?"

". . . right. Sozin did a very good job of turning the Fire Nation on them. No Air allowed, not even the great spirits - that is when the royal family isn't busy trying to convince everyone that the spirits were never real in the first place."

I don't mention how what they are telling me now is exactly what they were denying before I was captured.

It feels odd to worship Tui and La indoors. Agni I can understand - though at home we prefer to have a hole in the roof so that the smoke might reach his body in the sky above, the fire is the most important part. We don't worship Tui and La as much in Lufeng beyond the typical prayer to the spirits of winter when their season comes around and blessings to Tui as Agni's sister, so I'd learned most of the rituals I use from Tikaani.

When their people make offerings to Tui and La, they send them off to the sea or set them out on the ice, and I'd copied that as best I could with running water sources.

Still. Here, it is easy enough to pinch the wick of the candle to bring it to life, though I can't help glancing around first to make sure no one is looking, feeling a little sheepish when I meet Yazhu's eyes.

"Praised be La, Lord of Oceans Deep,
For seas fair and dragons asleep,
Thus may we voyage once again
Our thanks for you like falling rain."

La's offering is food. Not much, and nothing in particular, so I'd asked for a couple grains of rice I could take with me to put in the sea afterwards.

"Exalted be Tui, Brightest Light at Night,
For tides on time and no dragons' bites,
For soothing your husband's wild domain
Our thanks for you like falling rain."

Tui's offering is a wild flower I'd picked from the weeds outside. Tikaani had said that their people usually gave Tui food like they did La, but that she was known to appreciate beauty as well when they could find it.

Yazhu is there for me again after I put out the candle, though my legs don't hurt as I didn't need to wait for these offerings to burn. I return the rice and the flower to the bowl I brought them in and turn to Yazhu, tilting my head silently.

"This way," they say immediately, leading me out of the room. "Lady Kun's altar is . . . less formal than the others'. Everyone's thankful for the land beneath their feet, but we had to pull our earth relatives card to get even this much." Yazhu stops in front of a shoji door with light spilling through the paper to pull it open.

"Oh!" I say. "Is this a rock garden?" I step out onto the wooden porch and stare in awe at the carefully raked lines of gravel. "I've heard of these, but I didn't quite think they were real - don't they take a lot of work?"

"They do, but from what the cousins who maintain it say, that's kind of the point," Yazhu says. They point past me, to the tree in the center of the courtyard. "Lady Kun's altar is there, under the tree. And here-" they hop onto the porch with me, dropping to their knees at the edge and sticking their arm under it to pull out a cushion, "-take this."

"Thank you," I say, accepting the cushion and tucking it under my arm. I cross the stepping stones to the little island in the middle of the white gravel and set it down. This close, I can see the offering bowl, hidden by the twisting roots of the trees. I drop the cushion and carefully set down the bowl I'm using to hold my offerings. The candle lights easily again, and I bow.

Her prayers fall as easily from my lips as my own Lord Agni's. My home village Lufeng has long held that those of us with Agni's gift there, and in other villages in the region, were held safe there under her protection, though we no longer remember what from, and so we celebrate her whether we are truly her children or not.

"Thanks to you, great spirit Kun,
Faithful earth mother,
Sustainer of verdant life.
From your bounty to mine,
And from mine back to yours,
May this offering sustain you."

Lady Kun's offering is more rice, to be left there this time with the other offerings which will all probably be put into the compost heap at the end of the day. I bring the cushion with me as I make my way back to Yazhu.

"That's all right?" they ask, accepting the cushion and tucking it back into place.

"I gave my usual prayers to the Great Spirits that have claim to me, and I gave thanks to the others for safe travel, so while I would like to send their offerings with the water soon, yes, that is all," I say.

"Not going to ask me where my ancestor's plaques are?" they tease, not making a move to get up.

I eye them, then fold my legs so that I'm sitting next to them, our shoulder nudging. "I know very well that ancestor plaques are not a Fire Islands custom, and besides that, I have not married into your family, nor bound myself in any way I think they would acknowledge." I pause for a moment, something occurring to me. "Actually, do you have a shrine for Inari?"

"What?" Yazhu asks, looking surprised. "No. People tend to be inclined to pray to the great spirit of their element. Besides, I think that the late Fire Lord Azulon burned all of the shrines to Inari that he could find in his crusade to prove that the spirits aren't real. Why?"

"Nothing. Just a thought I've had lately." A thought about benders and nonbenders and the great spirits.

"Right." Yazhu's smile fades a little, and they lean into me more as they stare across the courtyard.

"What is it?" I ask, watching their face as they startle out of the blank stare.

"What? Oh. It's nothing. It's just . . ."

"Just?"

"I guess I thought I'd feel more at home here. I lived on Honoiro for the first ten years of my life, remember?"

"Yazhu. Of course you don't feel at home here. You were here for what? A week, eleven years ago before your Aunt swept you off to that boat of hers. And before that you lived on an entirely different part of the island."

"It's not like Kaede and I have spent much time here either," comes a voice from behind us, and I glance back, unsurprised to see Hotaru. I'd grown used to the sound of her footsteps. She's wearing her port clothes; a long black robe that hits the middle or her shins with the red maple leaves of the Nakano family crest woven in, slit up the sides to reveal her dark red leggings, and a pair of wooden sandals she'd have never worn on the Sunset. She smiles down at the pair of us. "Come on, you two. Dinner should be ready soon."

"Right," Yazhu says, scrambling to their feet and dusting themself off as I accept Hotaru's hand up. "You ready to see what real Fire Island food tastes like?"

"After two months of nothing but ship food? You can't scare me."

"You say that now, but we've had some cousins from the Earth side beg us to never cook ever again for fear of the retribution they might try to visit upon Agni," Hotaru says dryly. "And they'd only tried some of the milder dishes."

"The princess."

"Yup," Yazhu's cousin Shiori says, tapping the letter in the low table between us.

"Heir to our nation."

"Eh, sure. From what I've heard she's a bit of a brat, but she seems to have calmed down since her grandfather died and her brother disappeared," he says.

"You-"

Yazhu's other cousin Ryuuji says, "Look, baby-"

"Ryuuji, you are at most a year older than us-"

"-it came in this morning, and it mentions your lot specifically - those of the Nakano family who have recently arrived from the Earth Colonies - and it even mentions Kaede here by name," he says, ignoring Hotaru's continued sputtering over the princess?.

"I don't think we have formal enough clothes to meet with the princess," Kaede says calmly, picking at the edge of his port clothes, which are a matching set in muted yellow and charcoal grey to Hotaru's red and black.

"That's actually what I'm least worried about," Yazhu says, speaking up for the first time since Ryuuji had presented us with the letter. "We've probably got enough formal kimonos in storage to clothe half the clan, and while they might be horribly out of date, formal wear can always stand to be traditional. That's what our clan is known for after all. We should be able to find something that fits, and in the worst case we can call in a tailor to resize something quickly."

"You would know best," Kaede says easily as Hotaru keeps sputtering. "What do you think she wants?"

"Well, considering she asked for those recently arrived from the Earth Colonies, I'd say something to do with them," Ryuuji says. He exchanges a glance with Shiori. ". . . the two of us will stay until you come back. Just in case."

Those words send a shiver down my spine. They're a reminder of the truth of the Nakano family; so many of them are committing treason.

Just in case. Just in case they don't come back.

"I'll try to make something for you while you're gone," I say. "You never got to try my mom's pastries like Tikaani did. I might not be able to find all of the ingredients or make them-"

"What?" Hotaru asks, emerging from her mumbling. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"That's- I'm not a Nakano, remember? The princess didn't ask for me."

"Right, that's it," Hotaru says, turning to Yazhu, who's frowning down at the table, their lips moving silently. "Yazhu, I swear, if you don't-"

"Wait, no, don't, I got this." Yazhu turns to me and holds out their hands. I eye them for a second, then extend my hand, letting them hold them. They bring one hand up to kiss my knuckles, then lower it and smile at me.

"Ming of Yufeng, child of Jinglai and Tu," they say.

"Seriously? In front of my salad?" Ryuuji mutters, but I don't dare take my eyes away from Yazhu's.

"Sun Lord's beloved, sworn to Lord Agni, beholden to Lady Kun of the Earth," Yazhu continues, "bound through means we know not of yet to Tikaani of the Northern Water Tribe, child of Uskaanax and Tangaagim, bound to Ulva, Moon Lady's beloved, of Lady Tui's own people; and to myself; Yazhu Nakano, child of Ayame and Yan-"

"They're really going full tilt," Shiori says, looking a little impressed.

"Our feet have been guided that our paths might cross. As you have helped me though dire times, so too do I hope I have helped you through yours. I have looked in my heart and found myself in want. Should you accept or should you turn me down," they say, their hands tightening on mine as I startle. Kaede lets out a low hiss, which does absolutely nothing to assure me about the severity of this oath. "My sword and knives are yours. I would stand by your side for as long as you will have me."

There's a moment of silence, then, softly, Hotaru says, "What the fuck. Yazhu. What. The. Fuck."

Yazhu doesn't reply to her, just watching me.

At least, I think a little hysterically, they're not kneeling. That whole speech - we've been speaking Fire this whole time, we're in the Fire Islands of course we are, but I think that Yazhu had slipped into some more formal register because something about way they arranged the words was weird-

And then it hits me that of course it was weird, that was some kind of full on formal oath, of the kind that's probably been passed down, and I start to panic because I don't know the formula, I don't know how to reply to this, this -

"Calm down," Kaede says, hands coming down on my shoulders. "Breathe. Don't worry about it."

I think he exchanged a glance with Hotaru, but I'm too busy trying to follow his advice to really notice.

I think my hands must be growing hotter because Yazhu winces minutely, then they tighten their grip and give me a reassuring smile.

I take another deep breath. I think Kaede's still talking, but his words are as understandable as waves crashing against the pebbles of the beach. Of course Yazhu doesn't expect me to use their clan's formal oath. That wasn't the point of what they swore.

We've considered each other family for a long time, but I've always shied away from doing so many of things I do with my other family with them because we held no recognized bond. They know that. I wonder how long they've been planning this.

I narrow my eyes at them, at the challenge that's curling around the edges of their smile as I straighten into Kaede's hold on my shoulders, the words suddenly coming very easily.

"I, Ming of Lufeng," I say, and Kaede goes silent, letting go of me like he'd been burned, "child of Jinglai and Tu, Master of Wen-Angaar Pottery, sworn to the flames of my kiln, beholden to the earth that bore me, sun child; bound to Tikaani of the Tiqqiq, child of Uskaanax and Tangaagim, moon child, Ambassador; and to Yazhu Nakano of Honoiro, child of Ayame Nakano and Yan of the Shun, sibling to Kaede Nakano and Hotaru Nakano, fox child, accountant-"

And this reminds me of my oaths to Agni, the twists and turns of it, the revelations of how you see yourself.

"I do swear to hold you as my equal, for I have found this to be true in our time spent together. Should you accept or should you turn me down, my knowledge is yours, and I will stand by your side for as long as you will have me."

"Well," says Shiori. "That was fun. Let's never do it again."

"Yazhu," Hotaru hisses, shaking Yazhu's shoulders, though not enough to make them let go of me. "You don't just spring an oath like that on someone. When I said adopt them, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay," I say quickly. Then, "I mean, I agree with Hotaru, definitely talk first before you do anything like that again, but . . . I'm okay." The words are still echoing in my mind as I start to doubt myself, but I do my best to shake them off. What's done is done.

"Well then," Ryuuji says. "You four can go, Shiori and I will wait for you to come back. You can go find yourselves something to wear after dinner. There."

We manage to find formal clothes that fit us well enough. Kaede's practically grinning for once as he helps Yazhu find what feels like every piece of fabric that had a remote possibility of being something I could wear that had the Nakano crest or other maple leaf motifs on it. I manage to successfully argue them down a little by pointing out that putting that many images of their family crest on me would be tacky, but while Yazhu admits to that, they still insist that everything I wear has maple leaves on it somewhere.

The robes that everyone settles on eventually are more restricting than usual - with the tight skirt keeping our steps small and the many different pieces that we have to gather, but when we all parade out to show Shiori and Ryuuji, they reluctantly approve.

Then, after we've carefully folded away all of the clothes for tomorrow (that was a nightmare, so many folds, so specific) we all tumble into bed.

And then it's Tikaani, and when they hear about Yazhu's oath, they laugh and they laugh and they take my hands and do the same right then and there.

And then we're awake and getting ready and leaving and-

The meeting with the princess goes well. Odd, but well. Watching her from across the table, what strikes me most is how very young she is.

Most of the oddness of the meeting comes from her attitude as she asks us about the Earth Kingdoms. It's not a weird topic for a curious kid to ask about, but for all that Princess Azula tries, she doesn't really act like a curious kid.

She asks if the people are happy. Not just the Fire colonists, but the Earth natives as well.

. . . I don't quite catch the answer Hotaru gives. I'm too busy thinking about the burns on my back that I've managed to hide from Yazhu because they forgot to take me back to the ship's healer for a more thorough checkup after the initial don't-die one in the chaos. I'm too busy thinking about the weight of the chains they put me in. I'm too busy thinking about how easily their metal lined ships had blocked off the sun.

And then we're free.

The moment we're out of the palace, Ming pulls me down the closest alley way and the three of them block other people's view as I get out of the clothes, I can't fight in these-

"You're okay," Kaede tells me, grabbing the robe I drop on the ground and passing it back to Yazhu and Hotaru as I shed more layers. He's got the bag ready with my change of clothes, and once I've got the tunic and trousers on (loose enough to fight in, tight enough they can't be grabbed) he pulls me in close and just runs his hands up and down my back, squeezing me occasionally.

It helps. It helps more than the clothes. We weren't - I wasn't on a prison ship when the Nakano family freed me. It was a transport ship. I've heard that prison ships are better, but there aren't any prison ships so far North, not where the Northern Water Tribe might attack them and release all of the earthbenders. The transport ship was all solitary confinement so we didn't make trouble, and the feeling of another person means I'm not there anymore.

I'm not there anymore.

It's interesting, learning how firebending is taught in the Fire Nation. I'd point blank refused to learn how to fight offensively with my bending (though I hadn't refused the hand-to-hand sessions offered) which was only one of the many factors that ruled out me attending a bending school, but after the others settled into their new roles as record keepers, safe harbor, and providers of information of the court, they had enough time to teach me themselves.

Hotaru teaches standard firebending as a style made up of quick bursts and straight lines that I'm guessing are for efficiency - the energy to keep a fire burning without fuel has to come from somewhere after all, and even though it's more efficient to call and dismiss fires, that takes energy too.

It takes a lot of adjustment for me to use, and even by the time Hotaru's declared me reasonably competent enough at it, I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing. The thing is, it quickly becomes obvious that I have far more stamina than Hotaru. At the end of our bending sessions, when Hotaru's fair Fire skin is all flushed and she's collapsing into a heap next to Kaede and moaning at him until he rolls his eyes and dumps a bucket of nearly freezing water over her that makes her shriek, then sigh in relief, I'm barely feeling the strain of the bending. If anything - I'm usually feeling the opposite of strain I'm just starting to hit my stride when Hotaru has to stop.

Yazhu takes a couple training sessions before they come out to join us, but when they see what's happening, they just laugh.

"I don't know why you thought you'd be able to outlast Ming," they tell Hotaru as she pouts at them, pushing her sopping bangs out of her face. "They're a potter. Or rather, they've actively held flames at a specific temperature for hours on end. I know you've done endurance training, but the Nakano family style tends towards fighting. If you'd ever talked to glass workers or blacksmiths when we were picking up merchandise, you would know this."

"How was I supposed to equate potter with firebending?" Hotaru asks, her pout growing even more pronounced. "I can see glass workers and black smiths - they have to keep reheating their work, but we've got good enough kilns for pottery, why on earth would I think that anyone would stand around keeping a fire up for hours?"

I roll my eyes at that and don't bother to explain the intricacies of Wen-Angaar pottery to my clearly unappreciative audience.

After standard firebending, Hotaru teaches me the Nakano style.

I've been around Kaede long enough to get a feel for how his style works as opposed to Tikaani's. It's much more subtle, much more about the small movements, the ice there only long enough to make his opponent slip before it melts, the freezing of metal handcuffs to make them more brittle so they break on my wrists-

It's more subtle. Kaede can't afford to be associated with Water. Kaede can't afford to make the big gestures Tikaani is so comfortable with. There's only so many times the Nakano family can insist that the child's father was from the Water Tribes, that he left before the child's mother knew she was pregnant or was killed or- and in the past hundred years or so that hasn't worked at all because the Fire Nation declared war on the rest of the world.

Still, for all that Nakano water bending is subtle, I can see its influence in the style that Hotaru teaches me. The similarities only grow more obvious when Kaede steps in (is able to step in) to teach me alongside Hotaru.

The thing is, eventually I get hurt. It's inevitable. Fire is dangerous. It's a useful tool and it's dangerous. The burn isn't the issue though - we've got burn salves and everyone who can firebend learns what to do with a burn fairly early on. And Kaede is right there. He doesn't specialize in healing, but simple healing is a part of the standard Nakano waterbending lessons.

So it isn't the burn that's the issue.

The issue is me, crouched down, hiding behind a boulder, draining enough heat away from my burn that water is falling out of the suddenly cold air around me.

Or no - I'm not the issue. The issue is Kaede crouching down next to me, magic healing water glimmering around his fingertips as I let him pry my fingers away from the burn.

Or no. Kaede's not the issue either.

This issue is this, me sitting there slumped against the boulder, me clutching Kaede's free hand as his other works the water over my burn, me telling him - telling Tikaani - you can't tell Yazhu, Tikaani you have to promise me you won't tell Yazhu, it would destroy them -

This issue is this, the guilt in Yazhu's eyes. The way it has only recently stopped showing up. The way it's back in full force.

The issue is this, Yazhu telling us to go to sleep before them, that they're just going to check a couple things. Yazhu refusing to look at me as Tikaani talks. Yazhu still asleep at their desk when I wake up.

The issue is this, I can't tell them it's okay because it isn't. I can't tell them I'm okay because I'm not. I'm getting better, but I'm not safe. I've never been safe in my entire life really. At home and here, there's the danger of being discovered as a firebender - by Earth native who wouldn't hesitate to lash out, by Fire citizens who put together my pottery and the history of the Wen-Angaar style. With Tikaani, there would have been the very real danger of being a firebender in a nation at war with the Fire Nation.

I understand that they didn't want to feel guilty. It's not a nice feeling. I understand that they were scared - are scared that their family will be hurt, terrified because their family is just as vulnerable as those they are rescuing. I get that thinking - that maybe if I don't think about it-

There is a reason there are firebenders in the North Central Earth Kingdoms, and it's not just because of the forest fires. There's a reason we were hiding - there were reasons why we were hiding, and if the stories are right then there's an old guilt about every firebender who lives on what we now call the Fire Islands. And not because they conquered them.

I understand all of this but - right now I need Yazhu. I don't-

I can't trust them. I can't-

I know that they think that they would have gone after me if they knew I was taken. I don't know if they truly would have, don't know if they would have gone for my sister, don't know if they would have gone for-

I don't know where they would have drawn that line. I can't trust them because I don't know where they would have drawn that line. I don't know where it would no longer be convenient for them to decide that they would acknowledge what they had been denying.

(I don't know that if I hadn't been there, if they hadn't known me, that they wouldn't have been willingly blind to the suffering of my people. They'd certainly seen them before, even if they hadn't been on the ships their family rescued the earthbenders from.)

I trust Hotaru and Kaede more because they didn't know me and I only knew them from Yazhu's stories, but they had gone onto that ship of their own free will.

And I love Yazhu and I understand, and I can't trust them and I need them because-

We never stopped sleeping in one big pile. It was what the other three were used to after growing up on the cramped confines of the ship, and the one time I'd tried I'd had the kind of nightmares the three of us thought we couldn't have with our dreamscape. The other people there remind me that I'm not there anymore, not alone, and it takes all three of them because of the dreamscape-

I need Yazhu because right now we're having screaming nightmares, because Tikaani who doesn't deserve it must be having the nightmares too, because I can't even tell because the dreamscape falls apart the moment I open my eyes, sending me spinning through scenarios that-

I know Yazhu wouldn't have betrayed me. Maintained ignorance is one thing, active maliciousness is another. I know they wouldn't have betrayed me to the Fire Nation, and I don't even know what the Fire Nation would have done if they knew about native Earth firebenders. That doesn't stop the dreams from showing me that, Yazhu's Fire brown eyes cold as they point at me, Fire Nation soldiers streaming past them wearing the same skull faceplates they wore when they attacked my village for real.

"You need to talk," Kaede says, setting a cup of tea down in front of me, I think a week after.

I blink listlessly at him, the words not registering.

"Ming," he says gently. He reaches out to cup my cheek, and I just manage to focus on him. My eyes feel like they're burning, the only relief coming in the moments they're closed as I blink, and I have to shake myself slightly before I turn my head to lean into his hand. "Ming. Are you listening?"

"I . . . need to talk. With Yazhu." I pause. "I don't know what to . . . say. They're not wrong to avoid me."

I pause. I gather up my thoughts.

The thing is, my village had needed a priest. Or well, not a priest, that's stretching it a little, but we - they needed an expert, someone who could solve the little spiritual problems, someone who knew when a real priest needed to be called in, someone the villagers would feel comfortable talking to. I was the obvious candidate with my oath to Agni.

And while most of the training was about how to manage the spirits one could manage without a true priest, a good part of it was being taught how to listen to other people, being taught how to solve their problems. I don't know everything - don't think I ever could - but this whole situation is a mess.

And in the end, Yazhu didn't do anything wrong. There was - theoretically they could have done something. That's - that's why it hurts. But at the same time, they're twenty one right now. They're - it is true that they're an adult right now. But they're young. We're both young. We're barely more than children, and maybe I've been forced to grow up early, but that doesn't mean Yazhu was or should have been. And children are not- . . . children should not be responsible for setting the world to rights.

I can't be angry at them for not fighting - fights aren't just something you can do, and to be honest, Yazhu was never really the kind of person who could do what I half remember happening on the transport ship.

I think I can be angry at them for refusing to listen to me and Tikaani and their Aunt about what the Fire Nation is doing, but it's all a mess and I don't know how to say that. I don't know how to separate all of that from everything else.

"Ming?" Kaede asks, snapping his fingers in front of my face. "Did you fall asleep?"

"No," I say. "I just. I don't know what to say. I can't trust them. But I love them, and I need them to - to - to -"

Kaede's thumb stokes across my cheek as I let him tilt my head up. "Why not just start with that?"

"I can't just tell them I don't trust them!"

"Why not?" Kaede counters. "At least then they would know. And wouldn't telling them let them know you do trust them - at least that much, at least enough to let them know that you don't? Do you trust them enough to tell them?"

"I . . . I don't want to hurt them," I say, shifting to sit closer to Kaede and leaning to place my forehead against his shoulder. His arm settle around me in a loose hug after a moment.

"Oh, Ming. It's too late for that, for both of you. But it will never get better if you never talk about it."

". . . okay," I say. "Okay. I'll talk to them."

In the end it comes down to this. So I'm not safe here with them. I'm as safe with them as I am anywhere else.

So I don't know what Yazhu would have done, where they would have drawn the line. Even though they were there on the ship accidentally, the moment they heard I was there they threw themself into helping. Even now the words of their oath sometimes echo in my head.

My sword and knives are yours. I would stand by your side for as long as you will have me.

They meant it. I swore the same and I meant it.

(I don't want them gone.)

So maybe I can't trust them with other people yet. They've proven I can trust them with myself.

We talk.

It's - it's not pretty.

There's a lot of tears and - it's not pretty.

Yazhu's there in bed with their eyes closed when I'm finished with my night meditation.

The midsummer festival is held three days after I finally talk with Yazhu, around six months after I was taken. It's a bigger deal here in the Fire Nation than it is at home, which does and doesn't surprise me. On one hand, the Fire Nation is situated mostly along the equator, and thus winter and summer don't really have much of an effect. In a practical sense, this is midsummer as defined by the Oma Shu standard calendar (which is actually odd, considering that while Lady Kun's helpers Oma and Shu did come from Omashu, by all accounts, Ba Sing Se is older and more influential). On the other hand, this is the midsummer festival, celebrating the longest day of the year and inviting the spirits of the ancestors who had decided to reincarnate home for one last meal and offering.

We all go out in the elaborate traditional festival clothes, but the festival involves a lot of throwing fire back and forth over the heads of the crowd by entertainers to show off their skill, and as it turns out I'm very much not alright with someone I don't know or trust doing that, so we quickly retreat.

Hotaru waves off my apologies and says firmly that it's probably best to leave before some idiot has the bright idea to start setting off fireworks.

"The festivities are nice and all, but Kaede can make the food well enough if I ever get a craving, and fireworks are . . ." Hotaru's eyes go a little distant. "Let's just say that I've had bad experiences with them."

So we spend the rest of that day in the manor, Hotaru gleefully teaching me children's games and songs that are associated with the festival. By the time night has fallen, we've mostly trailed off into quiet conversation, Yazhu laying down with their head pillowed in my lap so that I can run my fingers through their hair, and Kaede out getting us some festival food.

Yazhu makes a sleepy noise as a firework goes off in the distance, and both Hotaru and I pause to look down as they turn and bury their face in my stomach.

"Thank you for talking to them," Hotaru says, and I wince.

"I'm sorry. I know it was awkward-"

"Not because of that," she says firmly. "Kaede and I may not have known you for long, but you're our friend too. I meant, thank you for talking with them about . . . everything. It wasn't your responsibility to do so, but you did it anyways. They've been doubting themself for so long now, and even though they made the commitment to help . . . Kaede told me some of what you said about them. That you can't trust them because you don't know when they would have deemed the situation to be severe enough that they had to stop ignoring it. You're not the only one. Yazhu . . ."

Hotaru's fingers clench, and she turns slightly to hold her palm out over the ground so that the sparks can scatter and harmlessly extinguish themselves on the cold stone.

"They're a little black and white about it. There's a good side and a bad side, and who you are determines which side you're on. They're Fire. And they desperately wanted not to be on the bad side."

"I know."

The both of us glance up at the sound of wooden sandals against the floorboards. The floor creaks slightly, and Hotaru's on her feet in a flash, Yazhu not far behind, their hair slipping between my fingers. It takes me a moment to remember the whole nightingale-lark floors, and I'm up a second behind them as the footsteps continues towards us, setting the creaking section of the floorboards groaning as they round the corner and-

Nothing. The footsteps round the corner and come towards us, but even as I track the movement of the floorboards by the petals we'd laid out to welcome spirits, I can't see anything making them move.

"It's a betobeto," I whisper, clutching Yazhu's arm as the footsteps come to a stop by the step down from the walkway into the courtyard. "I've never heard of one coming inside."

"Betobeto-san?" Hotaru says uncertainty, watching the crushed flower petals where the betobeto seemed to have stopped. "Are you here for the offerings?"

The flower petals shift, then the betobeto goes walking back the way it came, passing Kaede on the way out as he watches the shifting flower petals.

"What was that?" Kaede asks as he steps down into the courtyard.

"I don't-"

We all tense as the footsteps come back. This time they're accompanied by a bobbing ball of white fire as they follow the flower pathway. They stop at the same place, and the fire glows brighter for a moment before it unfolds itself into a human form.

The woman now standing there is staring at me. She reaches out, then hastily withdraws her fingers as they leave the flower trail.

"Ming," she breathes, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as tears start to slip down her face. Then she says something I don't understand.

I stare back at her in disbelief. I know that face. It's on the scroll grandmother keeps put away most of the time so the multitude of children don't ruin it somehow. "Great grandmother?"

AN: Alright! So. That was hard, and really emotionally draining. I hope you lot like it! don't forget that I can also be foun on tumblr with the username drelmurn, come and ask me questions!