Garfield League of America 2 Chapter Eight – The Search for Truth and Justice!
Garfield was knocking on the door to Clark Kent (who is actually Superman) and Lois Lanes high rise apartment in Metropolis in midnight.
"Garfield? What are you doing here at such an hour?" Inquired Lois Lane as she opened up the door to reveal herself wearing loose transparent nightgown. Then she realized because she was brilliant Pulitzer winning reporter and a frown blighted her lovely face.
"Oh no! Not again!" Lois Lane said with womanly grieving as she fell onto Garfield for supporting embrace.
"Lois Lane I am sorry. Clark has disappeared but he may not be dead this time." Said Garfield trying to give Lois Lane some spot of hope for what else could he give her.
"Tell me everything." Lois Lane requested of Garfield as the two walked into her kitchen and she prepared him a cup of Lasagna Joe.
"Boss Dark Side has hit all members of my Justice League of America. I cannot find Clark, Richard and my new friends Billy and Freddy." Garfield said using their real names instead of their superhero names to show how gravely he felt. "I have only found Cyborg in such badly damaged state I had to put him in medical coma to save his life."
"This is such terrible! But Garfield you are still here. And that means theres still hope." Lois Lane said as she pulled out her Daily Planet laptop flipped it open and got dressed in front of Garfield to get to journalism work. Lois Lane then flashed Garfield a thumbs up. "Now go out there and kick some ass, Garfield. It's what Clark would wanted."
"Yes ma'am." Garfield saluted Lois Lane for her bravey compursure and make his exit.
Waiting outside for him was a familiar man covered head to toe in black and orange armor. It was Garfield's old buddy from the Nam, Deathstroke!
"How's the dame holding up?" Asked Deathstroke as the two paused for a smoke break.
"With just a pen and keyboard she is one of the finest fighters I have ever met. Superman knows how to pick 'em." Garfield said with admiration and appreciation for the services journalists have done for American society.
"So you get into contact with anymore of the Crew?" Garfield then asked Deathstroke as nighttime emptiness lingered all around them.
"Whoever Boss Dark Side is, he has moved fast. My sources in Teen Titans Doom Patrol Outsiders JSA even Young Justice all MIA and presumably their whole teams are too. Hes taking out superheroes faster than Tickle Me Elmos are flying off shelves" Deathstroke said with dated reference cause he was old.
Garfield then got a text and checked his phone.
"Damn. That was just Commissioner Gordon. They have found Orion dead in dumpster." Said Garfield with barely restrained rage at the number of his friends that had been turning up missing or dead in the past few hours. How had Boss Dark Side done all this? Destroyed America and her heroes quietly and suddenly like an insidious virus. And worst of all Garfield knew there had to have been something he could have done to stop all this. But he didn't.
"Orion is a heavy loss. But do not fear. You have me and with me the wraith of Gaia on your side." Said a new raspy voice like someone who had been drowned and throat filled with mud for years popped up. Garfield and Deathstroke looked to see forming from the lichen in the space between bricks in the building a giant mass of muscular plant life with glowing red eyes.
It was Swamp Thing! Swamp Thing then added with introductions. "I have brought along one of my friends."
In swooped a giant bald eagle that transformed into a conventially attractive blonde superhero man with good teeth. It was Animal Man!
"Hello Garfield it was only two days before my retirement to spend rest of my life with family but I could not resist chance to work with the Legend himself!" Animal Man said with awestruckness.
"I guess four's a party." Deathstroke said as he counted everyone over as they went to the bottom of building.
"It will have to do. Come on. Lets go to Gotham City and get to interrogating." Garfield cracked his knuckles as everyone piled into his Red Corvette and they drove off.
Garfield and his team arrived at the Arkham Speakeasy in the Gotham City Narrows where all the Bad Guys hung out in between prison stays.
"Villains come here to drown their sorrows in drink. Tonight I drown their lives in blood." Said Garfield as he kicked down the door.
Inside many of Gotham Citys miscreants from the best known to the obscure were gathered around Poison Ivy on the stage doing sexy poledance around beanstalk in spectatorship. From the jukebox the songs from the favlorite band of bad guys everywhere was playing which was Weezer. Then Garfield entered and all heads turned to look at him.
"Hmm enough to fund a luxury island getaway." Said Deathstroke as he counted up all the heads in the Speakeasy and how much each was worth.
"Just give me the Ok Go and I will make all these ruffians regret eating their veggies." Promised The Swamp Thing.
"Stay your seeds and bullets for now. But be ready." Garfield advised his companions.
"Oh no not again! Garfield I swear I paid my child support this month on time!" Insisted Cluemaster referencing a past altercation between him and the Mighty Orange Man of Muscles.
"Outta the way, punk. This time I'm not here for you or your lovely daughter." Garfield shoved Cluemaster aside and then climbed atop a barstool to tower above all the villains.
"Tonight a New God was murdered by Boss Dark Side in Gotham City. But above all else Orion was my friend. SO ANY OF YOU LOWLIFES GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?" Garfield asked as he fired his Desert Eagle into the air for effect.
"Oh bloddy rubbish! We don't have to say anything to you no more!" Talked back The Penguin as he smashed his glass down in anger. "For far too long we have let you terrorize us Garfield just for trying to make a quick dishonest buck! But no more! Boss Dark Sides been whittling your legend down like burning calories at the gym!"
"Yeah this time you will be the Weenie Roast and us the Happy Campers!" Said Firefly with menace as he lifted his flamethrower.
"Riddle me this Garfield! Who is a husk of a irrelevant has-been of a hero!" Taunted The Riddler as he danced up with his cane like Gene Kelly.
Garfield took all these insults in stride even as the mood in the room soon turned murderous as all the criminals began to cheer for blood.
In the background Swamp Thing was growing vines across the door to bar it.
"There is no escape Garfield! The Food Chain Will Turn!" Ratcatcher said as he summoned up some rats around him to make a battle suit of rats. (Ratcatchers power is talking to rats which still makes him more useful than Aquaman)
"You have broken us for decades Garfield. Now we return the favor and break you." Bane pushed his way through the mob that was gathering aroud Garfield and cracked his knuckles in intimidation.
"You forget your station. Boss Dark Side may have done me some hurt but I am not trapped in here with you. You're trapped in here with me. And you are in for a world of hurt!" Said Garfield as Bane tried to grab him for backbreaking. Garfield dodged and then punched Bane so hard his heart exploded from the inside. Banes corpse flew into the jukebox and the music changed to Hellraiser by Ozzy Osbourne.
Bar fight then broke out as Garfield and his friends fought for their lives.
"I like to start things off with a bang." Said Deathstroke as he shot Firefly's gas tanks making explosion that killed him along with dozens more noname Bat Rogues. while Swamp Thing found Condiment King and used his powers from the Green to expand undigested sesame seeds from a hot dog bun into full trees killing him from inside out.
"That's my kinda man, I gotta admit." Poison Ivy said lustfully regarding Swamp Thing as she backed away and hid behind the counter as Animal Man turned into a giant snake and eat Ratcatcher.
"You ever watch the movie Funeral March of the Penguins?" Quipped Garfield as he did dodge roll to avoid Penguin's deadly umbrella fire before he cut Penguin in two with Lasagna Sword Garfield.
"Wauk woe is me." The Penguin said sadly as he died.
Garfield then blocked bullets from a familiar red and silver armored man with his sword. It was Deadshot! Garfield got ready to kill the fool but Deathstroke then pushed by.
"Let me handle this. I got a score to settle with this kill stealing quack." Said Deathstroke with vendetta.
Deathstroke and Deadshot then squared off in the midst of all the chaos like two movie cowboys.
"At last my nemesis we finally meet for the last time! We are both Merchants of Death with apt monikers and this world ain't big enough for the two of us! So you gonna pull those pistols or you just gonna whistle Dixie? I know that you're afraid old man. Afraid of my generation rising up and kicking you to the retirement" Said Deadshot with taunts before Deathstroke retired him with headshot without warning.
"When you have to shoot shoot. Don't talk." Deathstroke said dismissvely as he kicked Deadshots corpse aside and rejoined the fray.
"I like that advice Deathstroke! Eat leaaaaaad!" The Ventriloquist said through Scarface as the wooden dummy blasted widly with his timmy gun.
"Slovenly manbaby. You have squandered Natures Blessings on toys." Said Swamp Thing incensed at all the trees that were wasted to make Scarface. He ripped Scarface out o fVentriloguists lap. "SO I'LL SQUANDER YOU!" Swamp Thing bashed Ventriloquists own head in with Scarface.
Garfield then found Cluemaster cowering under a table. Garfield ripped the table away exposing Cluemasters hiding spot. He had not been planning to kill Cluemaster but since it was total pandemonium why not.
"Wait Garfield remember daughter! You would not orphan her would you?" Cluemaster begged as he pulled the family card. Garfield pulled back fist.
"Hmm let me ask her." Said Garfield as he pulled out his phone and texted Cluemasters daughter Stephanie Brown if she was okay with him killing her dad. For a few moments Cluemaster waited tensely. Then Garfield got text alert ping.
"Spoiler Alert. You will see your daughter again…" Garfield began. This made Cluemaster hopeful but then he saw how Garfield was smiling and his heart sank like sack of stones. "…in heaven from hell." Garfield decapitated Cluemaster with quick sword swipe.
"Aiee get away from me Garfield!" The Riddler who had helped start all of this tried to run away from Garfield but the pile of dead baddies on the floor was now too thick and he triped after trudging through in vain.
"What is a riddle but a guessing game? So Try to guess which bone I break!" Said Garfield with humorous challenge as he picked Riddler up.
"Um my funny bone?" The Riddler said hopefully.
"BRRRRT! Wrong! I'll take all of them for Trophy Prize!" Garfield corrected Riddler and then he broke all of Riddlers bones in a matter of seconds saving funny bone for last.
"Aaaaagh I need a medic bag!" Croaked The Riddler as he bled out.
"I'm sure the Devil's Nurse will meet that need." Deathstroke walked by and shot Riddler in the eye.
The fight had ended and there was only the dying left. Only a solitary man in a green suit with yellow kites on his chest was left standing. It was Kite-Man!
"Kite-Man!" Said Kite-Man as he pointed to the bar counter where Poison Ivy was hiding.
"Thank you for that Kite-Man. You can go. But change your life or I will not be so merciful next time." Garfield warned.
"Hell yeah!" Kite-Man said as he danced out into the freedom of the night.
"Tell me everything you know Poison Ivy." Demanded Garfield as he grabbed Poison Ivy by her leaves for interrogation.
"Only if you give me what a girl needs." Said Poison Ivy with seduction as she kissed Garfield suddenly.
"Very well. Let me uproot your garden of desire with my shovel of manhood." Said Garfield with sassy flirtation as he slammed Poison Ivy down against the bar and stripped her beautifully naked. Deathstroke and the others cleared out to give tem some privacy.
"Ooh ooh ooh yes that's just I wanted Garfield! PLANT YOUR FERTILIZER IN ME DEEPLY!" Screamed Poison Ivy in agonized ecstasy as Garfield thrusted violently into her like a jackhammer.
"My love is the weedkiller for virgin lily." Garfield said proudly as he brought Poison Ivy to a ballistic shaker toy climax as he shot his load into her like a garden hose at maximum stream.
"Damn Garfield you are the best loving man I have ever had. But I am afraid you are now under my control." Said Poison Ivy with mind control. "So kill yourself."
"Sorry Sexy Rose but rubber lips are immune to your charms." Garfield revealed with safe sex pulling rubber lips off.
Poison Ivy sighed.
"Well played Garfield. So heres what I know. Boss Dark Side made Orion send out SOS to his friend Mister Miracle to draw him in for honey trap of death before he killed Orion." Poison Ivy revealed Dark Plan.
"Not if I can help it." Garfield smacked Poison Ivy to sleep and ran out for duty.
Garfield and his companions ran to the Industrial Zone of Gotham where Mister Miracle was last seen.
"Oh boy my last week on the job and I will be assisting in take down of Boss Dark Side! This is so exciting!" Said Animal Man with eagerness.
"Calm Yourself! Mister Miracle still needs our help!" Swamp Thing chided his Fauna Counterpart.
"I'm afraid that Mister Miracle is now beyond your help. But I must admit he was helpful as flypaper." Said the voice of Boss Dark Side as some lights turned on to illuminate Mister Miracle all dead and chained up in the death trap he could not escape.
"Boss Dark Side! Show yourself!" Garfield demanded.
"Ask and ye shall receive! And call me Boss Dark Side no longer!" Said Boss Dark Side as he leapt out of the shadows to reveal his identity to Garfield. As he landed a spotlight landed on him and he shouted iconic line of "I'M BATMAN!"
"Batman! You got some big cojones for coming back to life in my world!" Garfield said with hate upon seeing his old enemy.
"Garfield's World exists only in your head. And off with your head it will go." Said Batman with smartassery. He then pulled out a batarang and threw it at Garfield slicing his chin.
Garfield felt a drop of blood fall onto his hand.
"Wait till my kids hear that I killed Batman!" Animal Man said as he noticed Batman was standing right in front of a woodchipper.
Garfield was about to tell Animal Man to hold his horses when he sudden felt disorientation wash over him. In his reelingness, Garfield saw on his hand multiple blood stains far too much for him to have bled in a single second.
Garfield than saw that Deathstroke and Swamp Thing were similarly off their guard.
"Hey where is Animal Man?" Swamp Thing asked.
With mounting horror Garfield heard a whirring indusrial machine noise and he looked to where Batman had been. Batman was out of sight and instead Garfield saw the last of Animal Man going through the woodchipper.
"No not Animal Man he was only two days from retirement." Said Garfield with manly sadness.
"How could you Batman?" Asked Deathstroke referring to both Batman's lack of humanity with such brutal murder and how Batman was able to do it in the passing of a second.
"Stick around and see. I can see your Final Destinies and I shall ferry you to them." Said Batman as he swooped in and landed in between Swamp Thing and Deathstroke.
"Like hell you will! Get him Swamp Thing!" Deathstroke ordered but suddenly he felt stabbing twinge in his belly. Deathstroke looked down confused to see Swamp Thing had turned his arm into an entire redwood tree and had just bisected him. Deathstroke then looked to see where Batman was but again Batman was gone.
"Urrrrkl!" Moaned Deathstroke as he split in two.
"No how did this happen! I swear Batman was right here he should be dead not you!" Screamed Swamp Thing in apologetic terror and then he heard Batman laugh like maniac above.
"Hey Swamp Thing you're cancelled." Said Batman with bad meta joke as he pressed a button on his gauntlet and the Batwing did dive bomb run on Swamp Thing with Antimatter Weed Killer.
"Aaaaaaagh!" Swamp Thing shrieked as the Antimatter Weed Killer doused him like Agent Orange and a Vietnam Jungle and his very existence was annihilated.
"Cease your magic cheating and face me like a Man Batman!" Demanded Garfield as he saw the dead remains of his comrades and burned with righteous fury.
"I think not. It was a perfect world when I was the only masked hero but then men like you and Superman all came and like a virus you took my glory away." Garfield heard Batman saying. "For far too long you have hoarded destiny for yourself Garfield. But I can see your strings, Puppet Master. And with this power that destroyed your beloved friend Superman I shall raze your whole damn stagebooth to the ground."
"You killed Superman? I was going to kill you painfully before Batman but now I will kill you slowly as well." Garfield sensed Batman behind him. He got ready to attack but then the disorientation hit him again. Garfield found himself in the position of having thrown a spinning backfist but with no memory of doing so and having only hit thin air.
Batman then flung ten Batarangs laced with Lasagna from Bizarro World in his chest. Since these was Bizarro Lasagna instead of powering up Garfields manliness it instead sapped Garfields strength like a poison. One Batarang was painful but Ten was Deadly.
Garfield tried to fight back against Batman but it was hopeless. He had only his fists to rely on because his strength had fled him so fast he could not even take his sword out of its scabbard or pull the triggers on his Desert Eagles. The cycle of futility kept repeating and Batman beat down Garfield like a rented mule while eluding his fading wrath like a ghost devil.
Garfield with light bulb moment then realized what Batman was doing as all hope seemed lost.
Suddenly Garfield found himself lying on the ground in a puddle of his own blood that was ever growing. He felt his chest and realized there were revolver bullets in him. And standing above him was his oldest friend and most reliable ally in times of need Jon Arbuckle holding his two golden revolvers in shock! But Garfield had not heard Jon Arbuckles iconic cry of AMAKOO that was heard whenever the one-man cavalry arrived.
"What in Sweet Blue Saturn? Garfield I did not mean to do this!" Jon Arbuckle said with apologies.
"I know Jon Arbuckle! But you have to get out of here now because Batman has an Enemy Stand!" Garfield said with earth shattering revelation. "A Stand that allows him the very power to unstick time and manipulate it to his pleasing!"
"An Enemy Stand How? You destroyed all Stands and Traces of them during the Great Fifty Two War!" Jon Arbuckle asked but before Garfield could elaborate further Batman snuck up behind Jon Arbuckle.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Garfield yelled as Batman put his fist through Jon Arbuckles back and forced his heart out into the open before crushing it.
"No one can challenge my dominion. No one can change the fate that I have decreed for them. Declare yourself my slave or die. The Symbol of the Bat now justifies all. I am the Definition to the Meaning of Life." Said Batman as he stepped over Garfield in dominance. Garfield tried to get up but the Bizarro Lasagna had taken full effect.
"You have changed little Batman. You still cannot defeat me without dirty tricks." Garfield taunted insolently.
"Defeat you? No what this is just a sample for things to come. Your True Defeat deserves a far grander stage. Broadcast to Billions." Said Batman as he dropped a card containing the location of his Space Battle Fortress on Garfield. "You know where to find me. Show your hide or not. I will win either way."
Batman fast-forward time forward and disappeared. As he did Garfield looked and saw two twinkling green lights descending towards him.
It was Hal Jordan of the Green Lantern Corps! And behind him was Jon Stewart holding lifetimes worth of fresh trays of lasagna in a giant green oven mitt.
"Hurry Jon Stewart get this lasagna down Garfields gullet!" Hal Jordan said with urgencies.
"Aaaaa that hit the spot!" Said Garfield as he eagerly ate all of the lasagna and instantly the poison Batman had infected him with was cured.
"I'm sorry we could not get here sooner. Perhaps we could have saved them." Hal Jordan said as he surveryed the carnage.
"No you would have just rushed in blindly to the same trap we did. But now I know the face of my enemy. I will sanction his buffoonery no longer. And I will drop on him like boulder rain and I will rough him up like the muffin man until Batman has paid tenfold for his shenanigans." Garfield swore as Hal Jordan whipped up a giant green bubble. Garfield got in and the heroes flew off to rally whoever was left and take the fight to Batman.
At the top of existence in his Space Battle Fortress that spanned galaxies Batman sat on his throne and smirked with the Golden Stand Arrow that had given him ultimate power in his resting hand.
"I almost pity that fool Garfield. So sure that revenge is within reach. But it is a prize that he shall never obtain. He thinks he will surprise me in our final encounter just because he now knows I wield the power of Stands. But I have a few surprises of my own too." Batman said ominously from atop his throne and he rubbed his palms in sadistic delight for he knew that all the aces were his and up the sleeve and when they were played lasagna and its champion Garfield would be but lost obscurities in the halls of all failure.
To be continued…