Chapter Thirty-Nine: We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes

"You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." – Abraham Lincoln

"How is it only three o'clock in the morning?" JJ asked Will as they walked past the nurses' station on their way to Tate's room.

"C'mon, aren't you used to being awake at all hours of the night by now?" Will quipped.

It was true; between the BAU and the twins, JJ was no stranger to pulling all-nighters. But despite all of that, she'd never felt so exhausted.

"Except I haven't been able to sleep for ten days," JJ replied.

She knew Will had been having trouble sleeping as well. They only really tried to sleep for a few hours each night, and even then, JJ would be up tossing and turning the whole time. There'd just been too much on her mind to actually rest. She hadn't looked in a mirror recently, but glancing at the bags under Will's eyes, she knew she probably didn't look much better.

"I know," Will said softly. "But it's over now, hm?"

"I guess so."

The door to Tate's room was open just a jar and JJ lightly pushed it the rest of the way. Beck was still sitting in one of the chairs by Tate's bed, the exact spot they'd left him in several hours ago. However, unlike earlier when Tate was fast asleep, the girl was wide awake, leaning back against the pillows on the hospital bed and quietly talking to her uncle. Two identical sets of blue eyes looked over at JJ at the sound of the door creaking open and her breath caught in her throat. Before Tate could even say anything, JJ had crossed the room to the bed and pulled her into her arms. She could feel Tate trembling as the girl hugged her back and she tucked Tate's head under her chin, burying her face in the soft brown curls.

"Mom," Tate whispered quietly and JJ could feel the girl's tears soaking through her shirt.

"I'm here. It's okay, honey. We're here," she assured her daughter.

No matter how hard she'd tried, JJ hadn't been able to rid herself of the thought that they were almost too late. All it would've taken was Brown pulling the trigger one second earlier, and that would've been it. JJ knew she'd eventually have to let go of Tate, but all she wanted to do was hold her and never let go. She could protect her that way.

Tate felt JJ's arms tighten even more around her as she tried to keep herself from crying. The entire time she'd been awake, something had felt wrong. She hadn't been able to convince herself she was safe, despite knowing that Brown was dead and Beck was with her. It was like she was still in fight or flight, still trying to survive. And it was exhausting. It was exhausting to have to listen to every little noise, to make sure no one was going to hurt her. That was the real reason she hadn't been able to sleep. She couldn't let her guard down, no matter how often Beck told her it was okay. But now it was JJ who was telling her it was okay, who was holding her so tightly that no one could possibly take her if they tried. She was so tired from fighting, from holding it all together so she could get through the hell that Brown had created. There was a dip in the bed and Tate flinched, only relaxing when a familiar hand cradled the back of her head.

Will gently carded his fingers through Tate's hair and wrapped his other arm around JJ's shoulders, pulling them closer. He could see Beck get up from his chair out of the corner of his eye and the door clicked shut a second later. Turning his attention back to Tate, he noticed the girl trying to stifle her sobs. It was something he'd seen her do several times before; Abby thought it was due to the fact that Tate's previous foster parents always made it clear that crying wasn't acceptable, that it made her more of a burden.

"It's alright, chérie," he murmured. "Let it out."

He continued to speak softly to Tate until the girl eventually broke down into sobs, burying her head into JJ's chest. Eventually, Tate quieted down and her arms slackened around JJ, and Will knew she was asleep. JJ knew too, but she continued to cradle Tate, not wanting to let go. And although Will knew they should let Tate sleep, he couldn't let go either.

JJ unlocked the front door and stepped into the house. After three days in the hospital, the doctors had finally decided that Tate was well enough to go home. JJ heard the distinct sound of Bean's claws clicking against the hardwood floor and, sure enough, not a second later he ran into the entryway from the kitchen. Will had trained the dog not to jump on people so he skidded to a stop in front of Tate, excitedly pressing his nose into the palm of her hand that wasn't in a cast.

"Hey, Beanie," Tate said softly, reaching down to scratch the golden retriever's ears.

"Home sweet home," JJ murmured.

She'd barely spent any time at home since Tate went missing, but even when they had been there, it didn't feel like home. It was too quiet, and Kit and Henry had constantly asked where Tate was. Bean had wandered around the house for the first few days, looking for her, but eventually, he'd given up and stayed sprawled out in the hallway, waiting. But now, Tate was back, and it could be home again.

"Something smells good," Will noted as he hung up his jacket on the coat rack.

"Must be Tess's doing," JJ joked.

"I'll have you know I am a very good cook, thank you very much," a voice spoke up from the doorway and Tate looked over to see Grant standing in the doorway with Kit perched on his hip.

"Tate!" the small boy cried, reaching his arms out towards his sister.

Will and JJ side-stepped Grant, heading into the kitchen in search of Henry and Tess.

"You got him?" Grant asked as Tate reached for Kit.

She nodded and rested Kit on her right hip so that she could support him with her right arm, the one that didn't have a broken wrist.

"Hey, Kit-Kat," she murmured.

"I missed you, kid," Grant said softly.

"Thanks for coming," she told him.

Will and JJ had told her that Grant had flown down from Boston basically the second he heard that Tate was missing. He'd brought Tess, who Tate had only met once, and they'd looked after the boys together. Grant shrugged his shoulders, acting like it was nothing. Except it wasn't; looking after Kit and Henry had allowed Will and JJ to spend more time looking for her.

"Anytime. You know that" he replied. "How about we go eat dinner, hm? Tessie and I gotta head out soon if we wanna catch our flight."

"You're going back to Boston tonight?" she asked.

"I have to work and Tess can't miss any more classes," he said apologetically. "I wish we could stay but…"

"It's okay, I get it," she assured him.

"Well, I'll have you know I've been invited to spend Christmas in New Orleans," he told her, slowly putting an arm around her shoulder and steering her into the kitchen.

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Turns out Beck likes me."

"Does Beck know about the time you spent Christmas at Mack's and drank all his dad's scotch?"

"Unnecessary details," Grant said, laughing.

JJ shot up in bed, unsure of what had woken her up. Will was quickly scrambling out of bed and she was about to ask what was wrong when she heard it. Screaming. Tate screaming. Will darted out the door, not stopping to grab his gun from the safe. JJ hesitated for a moment before hurriedly heading towards the closet and typing the six-digit pin in. By the time she got to Tate's room, Will was already there trying to shake Tate awake and it wasn't until then that JJ realized there wasn't an intruder. No one had broken into their house, it was just Tate locked in a horrific dream. Or, more likely, a memory of the hell Brown had put her through. Finally, Tate snapped awake, and the sight of her daughter hyperventilating with panic written all over her face was enough to make JJ move from where she'd frozen at the door.

Tate flinched away from Will, still clearly trapped in her nightmare. Her eyes were wide with fear and she didn't seem to notice Will sitting next to her, trying to talk her out of the panic attack. JJ hurried to the side of the bed opposite from Will and sat down on the edge, only stopping when Tate flinched again. The girl had drawn her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, curling up in a ball to protect herself from whatever threats she thought were still there. JJ waited patiently as Will switched tactics, trying to talk to Tate in other ways that JJ knew were supposed to be grounding methods for panic attacks. But none of them were working and JJ knew that if Tate continued to hyperventilate the way she was, she'd pass out soon enough. From the look on Will's face, he seemed to know it too.

"Will," she began.

"Go get Bean," he told her before continuing to talk to Tate.

"What?"

"The dog. Go get the dog."

JJ hurried out the door and halfway down the stairs, stopping at the landing. Just like she expected, Bean was lying on his bed in the kitchen, wide awake from hearing JJ's footsteps on the stairs.

"Bean, come," she ordered the dog, and he bounded up the steps without hesitation.

Unlike JJ, the dog seemed to know exactly what to do and jumped on the bed, squeezing himself onto Tate's lap. Tate flinched at first but eventually, her breathing started to slow down, even though it was still way too fast for JJ's liking. Will started talking again, trying to get Tate more aware and after a few minutes, she glanced over at Will.

"Hey there, chérie. Can you hear me?" he asked Tate softly, and their daughter stiffly nodded, still trembling.

JJ slowly leaned forward and pulled a blanket around Tate before wrapping her arms around her. Tate let her head rest against JJ's shoulder and slowly but surely, her breathing reached a more acceptable pace.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Will asked gently, knowing what the girl's answer would be but remembering Amelia and Abby had always told him to ask.

Sure enough, Tate frantically shook her head and JJ wrapped her arms tighter around the girl.

"How about we go downstairs, hm? Get something to drink?" he suggested since it was clear Tate wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, and he doubted him and JJ would be able to either.

Tate nodded in agreement and before she could even try to stand up, which Will knew she would attempt to do, he scooped her out of JJ's arms, blanket and all, and carried her downstairs. He gently set her down on the couch as Bean, who it seemed they'd woken up, jumped onto the sofa and rested his head on Tate's lap. JJ sat down by Tate's and Will set about making some hot chocolate in the kitchen – Tate hated tea – while JJ slowly stroked the girl's hair.

"Do you want me to call Abby?" JJ asked the girl quietly.

She'd already called the woman, knowing Tate would need to see her after everything. Abby had told her that unless it seemed emergent, things could wait a few days while Tate settled in back home. But Tate needed to talk to someone about what had happened, so JJ hoped if she wouldn't tell them what had happened, she'd be willing to talk to Abby.

"I think so," Tate whispered.

"Okay, I'll call in the morning."

Will sat in the waiting room of Abby's office, his leg bouncing slightly against the floor. JJ was in the chair next to him, seemingly unbothered as she flipped through a magazine.

"You're gonna wear a hole in the floor, you know," she pointed out.

"You're not the least bit concerned that Abby wanted to talk to us?" Will asked.

"What's the worst she could say?" JJ replied.

Will was about to answer when Abby's door opened and he watched as the woman said goodbye to one of her other clients before looking over at JJ and Will.

"Why don't you guys come on in?" she suggested.

As Will and JJ sat down at the chairs opposite her desk, Will looked around the room. He'd only been in the room twice before but not much had changed. There were two chairs along with Abby's desk that took up one half of the room and a couch and an armchair that took up the other half. The couch and chair were for Abby's clients and her during the sessions, whereas the chairs by Abby's desk were for parents. At least, that's what Will assumed considering the fact that Abby had only ever had him sit in those seats.

"So, what's going on?" Will asked.

"I just wanted to see how things were going at home. I can imagine there have been some hard adjustments," Abby explained.

"It's been… difficult, I suppose," JJ said hesitantly.

Difficult was an understatement. Tate had been back for almost three weeks and if anything, she'd been getting progressively worse. Will and JJ knew she was still having nightmares every night; even if they weren't woken up by her screaming, it was impossible to miss the bags under the girl's eyes that indicated how little sleep she'd gotten. She flinched away from things all the time, particularly loud noises and men. She was okay being around Will most of the time and she'd been fine with Beck and Grant, but anyone else didn't go over well. Spence had come over to the house a few days after Tate got back but his visit only lasted half an hour before Tate had a panic attack. Tate typically had several panic attacks a week and they'd yet to get any better. No one had even broached the subject of Tate going back to school, but Will knew it would need to be addressed eventually.

"How so?"

"She doesn't sleep. She really only eats the bare minimum. She… flinches away from me. I mean, it's like how she was after Theo died. If not worse," Will told her.

"I've offered to prescribe her something to help her sleep which she declined. Although that's probably for the best," Abby informed him.

"Look, I know you can't tell us what you talk about, but are the sessions going well?" JJ asked.

"I'm happy with how they've been going. She participates but she also knows her limits, which is a good thing. I think having two sessions a week again is beneficial."

"But she's not getting any better," Will said.

"You know as well as anyone that these things can't be rushed. You just have to be patient."

"I don't want to be fuckin' patient, Abby! I want my goddamn kid back!" Will snapped.

He wanted the kid he'd said goodbye to on the morning of the day Tate went missing. The happy, smiling kid who had her whole life in front of her. The kid that could've done anything in the world. Who could've had whatever she wanted. The confident, snarky kid that everyone couldn't help but like. But Brown had taken that kid from them and gave them a shell in return. Tate was a shell of the kid she once was and Will was terrified. Terrified that they'd never get her back.

"Will!" JJ chastised and he dropped his head into his hands, pulling on his hair.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "I just…"

"You're frustrated, which is completely normal. This shouldn't have happened. Tate shouldn't have to be here. But you can't change that. And I know you don't want to hear it, but the truth of the matter is these things just take time. She went through a severely traumatizing event, so it's not unusual that there haven't been signs of improvement," Abby told him gently.

"I know," he murmured quietly.

"And you're going back to New Orleans for Christmas?" Abby asked.

"Yeah, we thought it might be a good idea. Get out of DC for a bit and spend some time with the family," JJ replied.

"Will Mr. Deveraux be there?" Abby inquired hesitantly.

"According to Collins, he's uh… pretty firm on his decision. So, I doubt we'll be seeing him anytime soon," Will told her.

Abby hummed slightly and Will could see her thinking something over.

"What is it?"

"Just hear me out, okay? It might be good for Tate to see him."

"You're kidding, right?" Will asked while JJ seemed to actually be taking Abby's suggestion seriously.

"At the end of the day, he's her father. That might not be what you want to hear, Will, but it's the truth. I worry that the lack of a relationship with him might be making her… project her fear of abandonment."

"You mean she thinks we're gonna get rid of her," JJ stated.

"Exactly. Logically, she knows it's not true but… the mind is a funny thing. I really think it would be in her best interests to see Charlie and get to know him, at the least."

"But he doesn't want anything to do with her," Will said coldly.

He'd turned his back. He'd walked away and hadn't looked back. Charlie wasn't gonna help them with Tate. Any chances of Tate ever having a relationship with him had vanished the second he walked out of the hospital. Charlie had made his feelings on the matter perfectly clear. He wanted JJ and Will to raise Tate while he ran off and did whatever the hell he was doing back in New Orleans.

"From what JJ's told me, that's not exactly true. He's worried his presence in Tate's life will hurt her. I'm just suggesting that if you could convince him otherwise, it might be better for everyone."

"And what if he decides to take her, hm? What then? You really think Tate's gonna get better if Charlie gets custody of her?"

"I think there's no risk of that happening," Abby told him.

Will sighed and leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair again. He knew he should listen to Abby; she was, after all, a professional. The woman had never led them astray when it came to Tate, so why would she now? But Will didn't want to even think of asking Charlie for help. Of asking the man that had abandoned Tate to help them. There had to be another way, another option that didn't involve him.

"I'm gonna ask something, and I don't want either of you to get offended, okay?" Abby said.

"Okay…" JJ replied hesitantly.

"Have the two of you considered seeing someone?"

"You mean a shrink?" Will asked.

"Well, we prefer the term psychologists but yes, a shrink," Abby retorted.

"Uh… we're fine," JJ said. "Really, I don't think we really need…"

"Tate's not the only one that went through something traumatic. The two of you have had to deal with things that no parent ever should, even before all of this. I think seeing someone could be helpful, to each of you as individuals and as a couple."

"Abby, you know we've always trusted your opinion but I just don't think that's something we need to do," JJ replied

"Promise me you'll think about it."

"We will, thank you," Will told her.

Will stood in front of the stove, scrambling some eggs for breakfast. JJ had gone back to work to get a few cases in before Christmas because Abby had told them they needed to get back to normal. It had already been decided that Tate would be going back to school after the Christmas break ended, and Will would be going back to work then too. Making sure the eggs were done, he turned the stove off and split them onto two plates, handing one to Tate, who was sitting at the counter, and keeping the other for himself. Just as he was pouring himself a mug of coffee, the doorbell rang.

He bit back a sigh at the sight of Tate flinching. It'd been a few days since Will and JJ had gone to see Abby and he'd been trying to remember the woman's advice. Be patient.

"I'll get it," he told the girl.

He headed to the entryway and undid the lock on the door before swinging it open. Of all the people that could've been standing on his porch, Carter Fuller was one of the last ones he expected to see.

"Carter?" he said, pushing the screened door open and letting it rest against his side so that he could step onto the porch.

"Hey, Detective," Carter greeted, "Is um… is Tate around?"

"She's eating breakfast right now, you need something?" Will asked, remembering how JJ had told him the boy's mother was sick.

Carter shook his head before shoving his hands into the pocket of his coat.

"No, uh, not really. Just thought I'd see how she's doing, I guess," he explained.

"Haven't seen any of you around recently," Will noted.

He'd expected Tate's friends to show up the day she got home, but it'd been radio silence. He knew they'd been told she was found; Grant had seen to that. And yet, they'd stayed away.

"We figured it was best to give her some space. Dr. Reid told the girls they could come over but… he told me it might be better to wait a little while."

"So where have they been then?" Will asked, realizing his tone sounded slightly bitter.

"Ellie's grandma has been sick and Noah might've told Lucy that she… Well, you know how she is. None of us really thought Tate needed to have her ear talked off."

"What's going on?" a voice asked from behind Will and he turned around to find Tate standing there, peeking around him to find out who was out on the porch.

"Oh. Hi, Carter," she said quietly.

"Hey, Tate. You uh… wanna go for a walk or something?"

Will could tell Tate was hesitating and he would be lying if he said the thought of Tate leaving the house with just Carter didn't worry him a little. Despite the fact that he'd been a cop for over ten years, it'd been easy to ignore some of the dangers of the world. But now, he felt like everything and everyone was out to get his kids. She could be kidnapped. Hit by a car. Mugged. Get held hostage in another bank robbery-okay, maybe Abby was onto something with the shrink idea.

"I'm not sure that's the best idea-" Will began.

"Sure," Tate spoke up and Will turned around to look at her.

"Tate…"

"It'll be fine, Dad," she assured him as she shoved a pair of shoes on and pulled on her coat. "I have to leave the house eventually."

"But-"

"We'll be fine, Will. Trust me," Carter said.

Despite the fact that he was a teenage boy who was apparently in love with his daughter, Will did trust him. He was a good kid who wouldn't hurt a fly, that is, unless that fly was hurting Tate. And he'd grown almost half a foot since Will first met the boy, putting him at 6'1, and that along with years of playing sports and made him someone most people wouldn't mess with. They'd be fine, he told himself. Tate would be just fine. Carter wouldn't do anything to hurt her, he could protect her, and he'd dealt with a panic attack or two before. Everything would be fine.

"Alright, go on then," he said, stepping aside to let Tate through the door.

"So, am I supposed to talk or just shut up and eat my ice cream?" Carter asked before taking a lick of his chocolate ice cream cone.

Carter would never usually get ice cream in the middle of December, Tate knew that, but he'd apparently caved for her. She was holding her own cone with one scoop of coffee oreo but hadn't eaten any of it yet. Tate wasn't sure why, but she hadn't really been hungry since she'd been found. She ate just enough to keep Will and JJ from worrying, but that was about it.

"You can talk," she said softly.

"You know, I will never understand why you insist on getting ice cream in the winter."

"Cause it's too cold outside for the ice cream to melt," she pointed out.

"But it's freezing," Carter argued.

"I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. Hence the 'ice' in ice cream."

"I guess that's fair."

It was easier to talk with Carter. Unlike Will and JJ, he had no expectations of her. She knew her mom and dad were only trying to help, but she could tell they wished she would just hurry up and be normal again. Abby only ever wanted to talk about serious things and everyone else was just… too much. Even when Spence came over, she'd freaked out. She wasn't sure why, but she had.

"So, did you draw the short straw or something?" she asked coldly.

"What do you mean?" Carter replied, laughing a little.

"I haven't heard from any of you in a month," she told him and then watched as his face fell.

"I know, I'm… I'm sorry about that. Someone might have implied it would be best if I didn't visit for a while and Ellie's had a lot going on and Lucy is…"

"Lucy?" Tate finished.

"Yeah."

"So, it was my dad, I'm assuming."

"Spence, actually. He was pretty clear with his instructions."

Everyone was avoiding her. They were all just carefully tip-toeing around her, waiting for her to break. She wanted things to be normal, but she knew they couldn't be. Normal wasn't an option anymore. Tate wanted to go back to worrying about college and soccer, not flinching at loud noises and checking behind them every few feet they walked. She just wanted to be Tate again. Nice, normal Tate.

"This is probably a stupid question, but are you okay?" Carter asked.

"Far from it," she scoffed.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not right now. Right now, I want to eat ice cream and I want to talk about whatever horrible gift you got Patrick for Christmas and I just… I want it to be like before."

"First of all, my gift for Patrick is not horrible, it's amazing. Probably far better than whatever you got Kit and Henry. And second of all, we can do that," he assured her.

"Thanks," she said, meeting his gaze, sharp green eyes staring into deep blue.

"No big deal. And whenever you're ready to talk about it, you know where to find me."

They walked for a few blocks in silence, eventually finding themselves back in front of the house.

"You wanna come in?" Tate asked.

"Nah, your dad's probably pissed enough at me as it is."

"He's not pissed."

"Fine, slightly annoyed," Carter said.

"See you later," Tate said, but it came out more like a question than a statement.

"Course," the boy replied.

Tate bounded up the porch steps and was just about to open the front door when Carter spoke again.

"If you ever change your mind, I'll be here," he said quietly.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"If you ever change your mind, I'll be here," he repeated, and she suddenly found herself thinking back to the reason they broke up in the first place.

"Carter, I um…" she tried.

"I can wait. If that's what you want. Just… give me an honest answer. If you really don't… you know, then I'll never bring it up again," he told her and she could see his eyes silently pleading.

Carter Fuller. Probably her first true friend. A sad thought, but it was the truth. And he'd stuck by her side through the absolutely craziness her life was. He'd never let her down. And right now, he was the only person that could make her feel normal. Carter had never lied to her, he never treated her like she was going to fall apart. He was straight and to the point. He was funny and smart and he loved her. Carter Fuller loved her and she had no clue why.

"You might be waiting a while."

"Yeah, but… it'd be worth it. You're worth it," he said. "Have a good Christmas, Tate."

Tate watched as Carter turned on his heel and headed out the front gate, firmly latching it behind him. She stayed on the porch for a few more minutes, the cold wind cutting through her, before opening the door and stepping inside the warm house.

"We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying." – Meredith Grey