Disclaimer: I own neither the characters nor the series. The original サヨナラを教えて series is owned by FOOO嘉
For a while now, I've thought about how my name means "to bring happiness."
That day, that moment when I found you at that place, from that moment on, I started to think of [Me] than us.
If I told you, you would surely deny it was because of you.
"Thank you for meeting me."
What would you love me if I told you such a thing?
.
I looked at the gentle face on my chest and relaxed.
I lied to brush my hands through his hair.
"Ha…"
A sweet numbness runs through the core of my body and I unexpectedly let out a voice. I hold him head close to me, for myself, as if I could lock him away forever.
I feel his arms against my back. My body is slender but when i feel his stiff arms around my back tears reach my eyes.
I want to cry. I want to get dressed.
"Just what do you wear when you go to bed?"
"Have some delicacy."
"Sorry."
"It's fine. Shi Shi Shi,"
I kissed Uesugi-san's forehead who began to use my lap for a pillow.
What kind of face would you make if you learned I didn't dress up on purpose?
What would you do if i told you I was happy to bury your face into my chest?
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I've always loved my name.
Even before I knew what it meant; I've always been fond of it.
"Yotsuba. Your name means "to bring happiness," my mother told me one day when I asked her. I remember tilting my head in question as she wryly smiled back.
"It means you'll make everyone around you happy."
I still didn't really understand but I was happy how my mom laughed and rubbed my head.
And so, I loved my name.
.
Ichika, who was a mean and naughty leader became our eldest sister. Nino became stronger and more overprotective of us sisters while Miku became the smartest. Itsuki started talking like mother used to, as if trying to replace her.
That the youngest child became our mother. I wanted to say something about it but couldn't.
Not only Itsuki, but everyone managed to keep us together by changing ourselves, so no one could say anything to anyone.
It was hard for us.
.
Mom died.
.
She worked hard to raise the five of us. She pushed herself as a teacher just to take care of us five. So much so her body broke down.
I remember the feeling of mom's hand when it stopped moving.
I remember a thin hand; the rough feeling of the bone under her skin.
I remember her warmth disappearing.
I remember indistinguishable crying in a hospital room, whether it was myself or my sister was impossible to determine.
I remember the stunned face of my soon to be father, a person whose expression I've never seen changed until that point.
Hey, mom. My name means to bring happiness, right?
But everyone is crying. Everybody is hurting.
Why?
If I do my best, I wonder if everyone will stop crying if I do it properly.
I wonder if I can bear this sad face, this ugly face, this sloppy face, and smile.
Will everyone be happy then?
.
When we moved to another high school because of my own failings, I hated my name.
No, I hated myself, not the name mom gave me. I hated myself.
What is happiness?
I don't bring happiness but unhappiness.
Speaking of which, I heard that the number "4" is actually a sinister number but I shook my head thinking of such a stupid thing.
.
A boy of the same grade as us became our tutor.
I was surprised. Not because he was in the same grade nor because he was a tutor.
It is because the boy was "that boy".
A boy I met in Kyoto.
A boy who looked really mean but also looked lonely.
A person I couldn't leave alone and called out to pull around for the whole day.
And then he reappeared in front of me. Words that often appear in the dramas Nino liked such as "Fate" rang off in my mind but when I took a look at him, I immediately threw away the word.
100 points.
0 points.
Because I'm unhappiness, pulling everyone down rather than becoming their example.
I couldn't show him what I've become so I decided to keep it a secret that day we met. However, I wanted to get better and so decided to help Fuutarou, no, Uesugi-san as much as I could.
I'll be the only one on his side.
Let me be the only one able to help him.
I don't know if I can help him, but I'll do as much as I can.
Uesugi-san seemed to be a loner and was clumsy on talking to people. He handled things with no delicacy at all. He always kept people at a distance. I understood that it was because all he did was study.
But when I started to get to know him more, I immediately realized something.
He looked like a loner but he was sincere.
He had no delicacy but he was kind.
He kept people at a distance but was a person who you can talk to without fear of getting hurt.
Miku was the first. Next was Ichika. Nino repulsed him many times and even Itsuki wasn't straightforward with him but I then realized that all my sisters had opened their hearts to him and needed him.
I was delighted.
The boy I met that day, as promised, had become a wonderful boy that is needed by people.
Unlike me, who is used until I was drained, he became someone who took things head on and became a person who was sought after by others.
As my sisters became aware of Uesugi-san's greatness, he also started to open up to them. The boy that didn't want to make friends had three flowers fall for him.
He began to smile at my sisters and my sisters returned it with their own smiles. Demure, confident, shy, trusting.
I was glad for how he changed.
I was proud that he could change.
When I realized the feeling of superiority coursing through me from the only one knowing of his changes, I started to despise myself.
I told myself a hundred times that Rena was gone and that she would never again speak to him. I didn't want to break the illusion of Rena. With the beautiful memories we've made, I began to wish to make him and my sisters happy somehow.
Everyone needs to be happy.
.
I hid my feelings.
.
It was no doubt thanks to Uesugi-san that I was able to graduate and even get into a university. Although our universities our separate, Uesugi-san's university and my own were close to each other so there were naturally more opportunities for Uesugi-san and I to work together.
Not the five sisters, but only me and Uesugi-san.
One time, I received a consultation from Uesugi-san.
I was surprised that he wanted to talk but I was even more surprised by the contents.
He told me how he had been approached by a girl who had been in love with him since high school. His facial expression was more perplexed than embarrassed or pleased.
I could only think 'Oh, this guy really is clumsy. This person is really insensitive to human motions.'
He had not yet understood how to accept such romantic approaches.
He hasn't noticed Ichika, Nino, Miku and, I'm not sure about Ituski, but even so there are still many girls who have shown interest in him. Even when I tried to point things out, he still can't see it.
It's just the kind of person he is.
And the reason Uesugi-san became like this is because of his original promise with me. Therefore, I think I should take responsibility and become Uesugi-san's power just as he helped us out!
So I decided to become his consultant.
.
Oh, that's just an excuse.
The truth is I know I'm a fool who is happy when Uesugi-san asks me something. It's an excuse to have a sense of superiority in monopolizing Uesugi-san to myself.
Cunning.
How sick and timid.
How sick and timid and ugly
I have no qualifications to have Uesugi-san to myself yet I try to gain his trust by arranging such excuses.
What a disgusting child.
.
When Uesugi-san told me, he was going to start dating, I got dizzy.
I've felt pains in my chest but this one stabbed through my heart harder than anything I've experienced before.
Oh, I'm crying.
My eyes got so hot. I didn't want him to see me crying in front so I jumped over to Uesugi-san. He hugged me back with the smile I've always admired.
My chest pain grew stronger and stronger as I felt his hard chest against my cheek, Uesugi-san's smell, and the unexpected strength in his arms as he wrapped them around my back. Even so, I didn't want to let go and rubbed my face against his chest, it was surely wet by now.
Even though I didn't want to say it, I wiped the overflowing tears on his chest many times and squeezed out "Congratulations".
.
I soon understood she wanted to be bound to him.
Uesugi-san also knew she was a mass of jealousy and monopolistic desire but he was more puzzled how such heavy love could be directed at someone like him even though he's made sure to make their relationship clear to everyone.
I understood immediately.
Because we were the same
Since they began dating, I've only seen Uesugi-san exhausted every time we met up. So, I always make sure bring out his accumulated complaints, anxieties, and questions.
Uesugi-san and I started to meet more often than before he started dating her.
When we went out, I listened to his complaints. I helped choose what presents to buy. I helped plan courses for their dates.
He never suspected my feelings for him and I made sure they were never known.
While hearing him talk about his lover cut through my heart, the trust I received from him felt pleasant enough to offset it.
I was happy enough if he'd remember the comfortable times, he spent with me.
I told Uesugi-san I had a lover that I was also dating properly as I wanted Uesugi-san to think of me as a friend without concern.
Of course, that's a lie.
A clever, shallow, timid lie.
Whenever I talked about my "boyfriend", I just remembered the times I spent with Uesugi-san and told him what I liked about him and why I loved him.
I talked about the person I liked so he wouldn't notice the person in question was right in front of me.
It's a lie but it's not a lie.
Therefore, Uesugi-san would surely not notice it.
It's thrilling but I know it won't last.
Every time I see a fire of jealousy burn in the back of Uesugi-san's eyes, the monopoly in me filled a little.
I felt special to him.
.
I know it's wrong.
No matter where I go, Uesugi-san's lover is her and I'm just his friend, a sister to Uesugi-san.
Such a relationship will eventually end. At that time, there won't be any Uesugi-san by my side.
But that's why I want to continue this feeling of self-satisfaction a little more and more.
Every time we meet, I'd think it'd be the last time and before I realized it, I had graduated from university.
.
After a long time, Uesugi-san contacted me one day.
After inviting him to dinner, we agreed to go back to my apartment which hasn't changed since I was a university student. When he said that he'd see me after work, I was completely on cloud nine.
No matter how many times I look back on it, I was really stupid.
Just as usual.
.
"I've been told that I should get married."
For a moment, I was back in high school and had no idea what any of his words meant. Even though the sounds reached my ears it was as if my mind couldn't assemble them into words.
It's just a bunch of notes that my brain couldn't understand.
Just as those words permeated into me so did the world around me start to fall over. It was like someone cut into the back of my chest with a hot knife, and of course, my body was shaking with intense pain.
Where was the happiness in this?
Our relationship.
The relationship with him and that woman.
If I only had thought it, I should have known what kind of talk this was going to be.
I truly felt like a foolish woman.
Still, even knowing all that and feeling like I was blown away like scraps of paper, I still felt a slight sense of superiority from the trust placed on me by Uesugi-san.
Such a foolish woman
.
"Well, you were the one I consulted when I started to date her, weren't you?"
"It seems the easily embarrassed Uesugi-san has finally decided to get married…. How admirable."
"I remember when I first told you about it. You were having trouble taking care of that ribbon of yours and then decided to start drinking without stop. I'm pretty sure you vomited at some point."
"I'm really sorry for inconveniencing you like that."
"Well, you've always been like that since High school…It's much too late now."
"Ahahaha!"
There's no way I could have forgotten that moment. It was something I wanted to forget.
At that time, much like now, I ignored my usual pacing and drank as much alcohol to make it seem like I wasn't about to cry.
If I did not, I would have broken down in front of him.
"Hey, what happened to your boyfriend?"
"Eh?"
"You know. That boyfriend you always used as an example."
Uesugi-san was drinking at a faster pace than usual too so I could easily see his reddened cheeks lift up from his grin.
"Oh…well, that's right."
Speaking of which, I was telling a lie about a boyfriend at that time.
I completely forgot.
However, there's no real point anymore.
"In fact, that whole boyfriend thing was actually a lie."
"A lie?"
"Well, what kind of university student didn't have at least one lover right? Ahahaha!"
I was really talking about you.
I wanted to tell you what I liked about you but I couldn't say it honestly.
So, I made up a boyfriend.
In the first place, there was no reason to say such a lie. I only wanted Uesugi-san to think of me as a friend.
"Uuu…You heard something awful."
Uesugi-san looked at me with pain in his eyes.
What are you thinking?
Did you notice it was a lie?
No, I'm sure you didn't. I wonder if you're thinking if it's your fault that such a boyfriend left me.
"Well, don't worry about it. It's just shameful that I have to lie like."
No, it's not like that. How much did I want to say that, to deny everything.
I'm desperately trying to hold back my tears. I can't even suppress my voice from shaking anymore.
"That's enough."
Uesugi-san wrapped his arms around my shoulders and my body heats up as if it was on fire.
"…Uesugi-san…"
Looking up, Uesugi-san's gaze collided with my own. In the back of Uesugi-san's eyes something like a hot flame is flickering.
I couldn't say a word. The strength in his arms, the heat of his gaze directed at me, his breath that touches my ear. The euphoria washes over like an avalanche.
Words refused to come out, only tears flowing endlessly.
Well, let's say it here.
The feelings in my heart.
.
I really like you!
.
I like you so much i can't hold myself back anymore!
.
I love you!
.
"Please get married."
The emotions I couldn't suppress have involuntarily failed.
Uesugi-san's eyes searched my own.
What the hell did I say?
What on Earth am I saying?
I was about to ruin everything.
"You both look good together."
"Eh…"
"Please by happy, Uesugi-san,"
Uesugi-san gritted his teeth, the noise of his teeth clicking echoed behind my ear.
I squeezed my hand hard enough for my fingers to bite into my palm.
"You've always accepted people for who they are and never gave up no matter how hard things got. No matter how anxious you may feel, if it's Uesugi-san, then I'm sure things will work out."
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
You can do it!
"In addition, if you ever want to consult something, just ask. Because I'm absolutely Uesugi-san's friend."
I hope this wish reaches you.
But…I don't want you to notice it.
.
"I will always support you."
.
Speaking of friendship, a kiss on the cheek should be enough.
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"Uesugi-san, you should return home soon."
"Nnn…"
I gently whispered to his ear. If I watched his sleeping face, time would pass in an instant.
Anything more than this and his wife will get suspicious.
Still, I couldn't stop my fingers from going through his hair, knowing that the loneliness within me will only get stronger now.
"You're going to worry your wife."
"I told her that I'll work overtime today."
He sounded like a husband having an affair. However, he's only going over to a friend's house.
Yes, it's still safe.
"C'mon…It'll be only harder if you fall back to sleep now."
"Ugh…"
I forced myself out of his arms. Taking his jacket and bag, I made headed to the front door.
"Sorry, about that."
"Shi Shi Shi, Uesugi-san can apologize obediently too, I see."
I used my fingers to comb through his hair, fixing anything out of place. I've long since memorized each strand's position. A pain similar to a sweet numbness rushed through my chest as I looked up at him. The tutor I knew since he was a child would soon become a husband to another woman.
Do you show such a look to that person too, Uesugi-san?
"You can't complain too much to your wife, right? Uesugi-san worries too much but it's also the sign of your love for her. You can hit me with anything you have."
"I know."
Unexpectedly, his arms wrapped my waist.
"Woah, Uesugi-san!"
"What is it?"
"…N-nothing."
"Right."
"It's normal for friends to hug each other after all!"
I lied. I scolded myself internally.
My heart's beating loudly.
Such experiences for me have stopped since our high school days unlike him who is getting married.
I wonder if he does the same to her and my chest feels a different sort of pain before I return Uesugi-san's embrace.
"Please come anytime."
"Ah…"
"I will always be by Uesugi-san's side."
"…"
Uesugi-san's lips pressed strongly against my neck.
What are you thinking?
Do you have feelings I can't forgive myself for hoping for?
I wish that I could fall apart in your arms right now.
It would be nice to break down in your arms right now.
I wish I was still that stupid.
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That day, even after that night, I was ready for the end.
However, my relationship with Uesugi-san continues.
It's good that he relies on me.
It's good that he asks me for help.
We eat, drink, cuddle, sleep together, and then I see him off.
We both have doubts about this relationship which involve things that go past friendship but we never mention any of it.
It's better that we never acknowledge this sort of distorted friendship.
We only have to say one word to end it. A very simple word that even someone like me knew how to say. There's no way no one would know such a word.
Everybody pretends they don't know words they know.
.
My excuse is that he never thought me how to communicate such simple words.
Chapter 2: I won't say goodbye
TN: Part 2. It's a bit exposition and melodramatic but after this is when it really brings on a narrative and starts picking up.
Note, this was written around Sisters War with following chapters adjusting to Yotsuba's shown characterization. The wife is also intentionally left vague until much later.