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Chapter 20

I Don't Want to Lose Control

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AN: I know, I know there's a lot of you who aren't liking this Kurt much. Hopefully this chapter changes that a little? I don't want any of them to be viewed as a bad guy. They're just all flawed young humans trying to figure themselves and relationships out.

I'm realizing now, way too late, that I didn't probably live through Kurt's suffering enough in the beginning and kind of fast-forward maybe too much? I post as I write, usually only a chapter or two ahead of the most recent update, so some of it wasn't totally planned at the beginning even though the general idea and structure/outline was. Some of the details came as I fleshed out the plot points or as I wrote, I realized things didn't work like I originally planned, the characters wouldn't move in quite that way at that time. So sometimes I think something I write at the beginning is going to be great and a perfect structure/plot point that will be brought back up again and sometimes I wish I had done so when I realize that there's a different plot point later on that I should have introduced earlier. All of the bigger ones are ones I had planned from the beginning in some form or another. The only I wish I had added was a bit more of what Kurt had gone through before the story started/on his end at McKinley. I didn't want to live through Kurt's suffering but it might have given a better view of where he started from. Hate to do it, but I might do a flashback... I haven't decided yet.

Maybe, some day when I have a lot of time on my hands, I'll go back through and add a few little things here and there. Maybe. Over all though the story is and all of them are, pretty much what I planned, just a few things I wish I had wrapped together a bit neater. I just get too excited and eager to post. If I wrote everything first and then updated after reviewing it all, I'd likely forget to continue posting... lol. :}

–

Of course, all things had to end. Kurt couldn't keep it to himself for much longer. Especially now that he and Blaine were intimate, it was incredibly wrong. He should have told Blaine long before they got physical. It had been on the cusp of his tongue and nearly passed his lips so many times. He had tried to tell him before they started dating. Had broken it off with Sebastian instead to give them a real chance free of outside interference.

Except Blaine had a way of sweeping him off his feet at the worst moments. For those moments, Kurt would forget that there was anything he needed to say. Compounding matters had been Blaine's opinions on Sebastian, even when they first started dating. His comments about Sebastian and his sex life, the way he disparaged anyone who would lower their moral so low as to sleep with him- something Kurt had done – had also kept Kurt's tongue. His talk of Sebastian and sex though had only reminded Kurt that Sebastian had been good to him during it and it had been very good, even with his inexperience he knew that.

Blaine's thoughts on Sebastian after he'd had sex for the first time with Kurt was even ruder. Kurt tried to keep them from talking about Sebastian altogether, he didn't want to talk about other people when he was with his boyfriend. Except other people always got brought up, which they would anyway, but Kurt tried to keep it simple and short. But Blaine had a way of fixating on Sebastian, as if he were intimidated by his prowress or something.

It started small. Whenever Sebastian would be away for a weekend or a night, Blaine would make some kind of comment about finding the next love of his life in a seedy motel. Kurt's jaw would tick at the baseless rumor that Blaine was spreading around. Kurt knew exactly where Sebastian was and what he was doing.

One night, Blaine and Kurt were hanging out with the others when someone brought up Sebastian. Kurt glared at Nick for adding to the comment by saying how Sebastian was incredibly flexible and tossing Kurt a saucy smile which only grew at Kurt's look. Blaine shifted, trying to make himself look even more attractive and appealing. "I suppose you would be if you liked being tied up as much as Sebastian does. I focus my training on more practical things like boxing, lifting and dancing. Sebastian will only ever be a good partner, never a fantastic one. He might have fancy footwork but I can lift my partners and support them in every way." Blaine didn't even look over at Kurt but wrapped his arm around Kurt's hips. "I tick all the boxes, Sebastian only has one trick. He's severely lacking."

Kurt wanted so badly to say something to defend Sebastian but he wasn't supposed to know that Sebastian was more than capable of being a support as well as looking good next to someone. He also wanted to say that Sebastian wasn't into that kind of thing, or at least had never mentioned it to Kurt.

Jeff thankfully defending Sebastian in Kurt's steed and gave Kurt a small nod, understanding his position. The Dalton boys had never made him feel guilty for dating one and sleeping with the other. Nor for the newest development where he was sleeping with both. He wasn't positive if they all knew it went that far with both but both definitely had no qualms touching him in front of others.

In some ways, the Dalton boys understood it more than the McKinley students did. McKinley was strife with everyone cheating on everyone and making a huge deal and commotion about it. Except they all claimed moral superiority when they found out someone else had done the same thing they'd done two seconds ago. They'd all look at Kurt with disgust and Blaine with pity. Blaine didn't deserve it, no, and Kurt knew it, just didn't know how to tell Blaine without losing him.

The Dalton boys came from a diverse wealthy background and always teased him that he didn't get the ways of the rich. Except he felt like he did as he watched them change partners faster than those at McKinley. They changed partners within the walls of Dalton and out. Thad paraded a host of girls in and out, often within hours of each other. Wes and David were always with their heads together but they'd slept with a lot of other people too, and he knew for a fact that Wes had a girlfriend. Only a handful seemed to be loyal to their partners and even then Jeff and Nick had a threesome with Sebastian for a time and had invited both Blaine and himself to join in on an occasion. Both Kurt and Blaine had turned them down both before and after they'd started their relationship. It was only going to be a one off, Nick had promised, maybe twice but it would be a threesome only. They were in it together for the long haul but didn't mind spicing it up on occasion. Then Nick belittled that by suggesting to Kurt one day when they were alone that an orgy was more in keeping. Either Blaine or Sebastian could join Nick, Jeff and Kurt, or both of them.

Kurt couldn't keep the look of revulsion off his face and then realized he'd been such a hypocrite. He'd apologized and tried to as politely as possible turn Nick down.

Still, it didn't stop them from talking about Sebastian's character or hypothesizing what he was up to when he wasn't around. Most praised him for his playboy ways, he got more numbers than any of them, from both genders. Joked that he used more condoms than any of them too.

They said things about Sebastian and sleeping with other guys jestingly, cheerfully, not realizing how much it tore at Kurt to hear it said even jokingly. They made comments like that about a few of the other boys too but not about all of them. It was harder to hear it from Hunter and others at Dalton who'd known Sebastian for so long than from the McKinley kids. Mercedes, Puck, Santana, commenting about how Sebastian was probably off frolicking with his ilk.

They didn't understand or know Sebastian. They all thought he was a dirty playboy, not that the likes of Santana or Puck had anywhere safe to stand in those regards.

Nobody said anything of the sort, not McKinley or Dalton when Blaine would disappear too for a couple of days. It was usually a 'family obligation' or 'appearances'. Blaine was often off entertaining some female of another wealthy family or spending time with his family in the limelight. He didn't introduce Kurt to his family.

Sebastian was the son of a state attorney but they never said he had to maintain appearances. Sebastian's sexual orientation was never hidden and wasn't made a big deal of. Blaine's family was well off but nobody important and yet he had to prove to the world that he could pass again and again; even though his interests clearly lied elsewhere.

Kurt was the only one whom Blaine had gotten this close to. There hadn't been anyone else where he'd even nearly gotten as close. He'd had trouble making it clear that he was interested in dating them. With his history and his family's motives always in the back of his mind, Kurt could understand now better than ever why it had taken Blaine so long and with such difficulty to finally ask him out. All the problems before had been Blaine's upraising kicking in. He'd self-sabotoged often and in big ways when it had been Kurt he'd wanted all along. Kurt was willing to believe that now, it had taken awhile to get there and when he finally did, he'd finally opened himself up to other possibilities with Blaine too.

Kurt had slept with Blaine a couple more times, usually he was the pitcher and not the receiver whereas when he was with Sebastian he was the receiver, if they went that far. One day Blaine decided they should switch it up and he'd had misgivings until he finally accepted what he'd been learning about Blaine and their rocky start to the relationship. Once he let go of that mistrust from the beginning of their relationship and trusted Blaine had been telling the truth, he'd been able to let go of his reservations and let Blaine be in a position that could harm him. He had to trust that Blaine wouldn't to give him the reigns in this way. It hadn't been as bad as he feared it would be.

Blaine was usually a little too enthusiastic in things and rushed but Kurt kept control of the situation and only let Blaine touch or do when he knew he was good and properly ready. Blaine was too eager to switch things up and be the pitcher to argue with Kurt about how they accomplished that goal. Kurt let Blaine have the reigns in that way but he always kept a hand on them too, ready to stop if it got too out of control. He wasn't able to give up control completely to Blaine but he was learning and starting to let more of it go. Blaine could really hurt Kurt if Kurt wasn't careful but he was learning that he too had the ability to hurt Blaine. He always knew he had the ability to say no to Blaine but not the ability to ask for anything or make demands.

He had to be very careful. Yet everything in him screamed that it was important to get everyone on the same page before they all got hurt irreparably. He knew he had to listen to that voice and just like he was becoming braver and letting others in with the ability to hurt him, he was getting closer to giving them the opportunity to do so. He knew his silence would only hurt them all, it was already clawing away at his insides. Whether or not the truth came out, he would be hurting. The question was, which hurt was better? And was there any possibility of removing that pain?

After that time with Blaine pitching, Kurt unconsciously started to pull away subtly, but in ways that Blaine began to notice over time. Blaine might be oblivious to a lot of things, but he was also an emoter. He'd proven before that he knew Kurt better than anyone realized even if a lot of times he seemed like he knew nothing or at least didn't care.

Some of it was as simple as breathing for him and he just did naturally without realizing it himself, like ordering Kurt's favorite coffee for him without even knowing he knew it until the words were out of his mouth and Kurt mentioning it. He would have just ordered it for Kurt and continued on without realizing he knew it and it was odd that he knew it if he wasn't Kurt's boyfriend.

As Kurt started to unconsciously shift away from Blaine, Blaine held on tighter, attempting to pull more of Kurt to him, ask more of him. Blaine turned him inside out, every time he thought he knew Blaine, he'd spin him around. Every time he vaguely started questioning the relationship, Blaine did something to remind him of the good between them, that Blaine did love him. That Blaine was the obvious choice, the better choice, really, the only honest real choice. Sebastian didn't want anything like that from him, just his body.

–

Sebastian had known they'd been having sex but hadn't been told that Kurt had received. Sebastian hadn't complained about a single thing with their own sex life or asked about Kurt and Blaine's. He still made snide comments about Blaine but didn't couch it in terms of Kurt and Blaine nor about sex in general. He didn't even necessarily say it to Kurt, just sometimes unintentionally in his hearing range. He didn't bother to waste the time they had together talking about others generally and even less about Blaine. The time they spent together outside of the time they were together was very short. Sebastian never asked for more than that though. He continued to keep Blaine in the dark by pretending that he couldn't stand Kurt.

Then one day there was a minor dust up one day at Glee. He wasn't offended before Sebastian got involved but he definitely was afterward. Kurt hadn't seen just how much he'd been singled out until Sebastian pointed it out. Blaine and Sebastian had been going at it at breakfast and then when Kurt arrived, Sebastian had poked at Kurt instead. Blaine had been moody and snappish the rest of the day and barely saw Kurt other than at lunch. Usually the two of them would walk to classes together.

The dust up happened when Blaine was giving Kurt 'helpful criticism' on how to stand or dance or move his face while singing. Blaine had been particularly focused on laying in on Kurt that day. Neither knew what got stuck in his craw but nothing Kurt had been doing had been right.

Sebastian had glanced over at Blaine and yawned loudly. "Oh get off it Anderson and move on to something else. Nobody can pay attention to Kurt when he's in the background, you've hidden him behind Trent for half the song. This is getting obnoxious. Nobody wants to hear your voice any more than they have to and you're definitely going over that line, well passed it. Just leave the him alone, he can't help it and it doesn't matter anyway."

Kurt had looked over at Sebastian somewhat hurt but Sebastian shook his head, it wasn't meant to hurt him. "What does that mean?" Blaine leaned forward.

"I'm saying your big head is always in the way the rest of the time, do you always purposefully stand in front of him, afraid that if anyone could see him that you'd be outshone?"

"He's getting a solo- they're going to look at him when he's in the crowd to see if he's going to come forward again."

"Then maybe put him front and center with the two of us and so his movements and facial expressions don't look so out of place in the blank canvas behind you. We could all learn to emote more. Kurt doesn't know how to be expressionless, so don't try and change him."

"Go back to your lane Smythe."

"Whatever, your highness." He winked at Kurt. "Princess."

Blaine tried for another couple of beats to keep Kurt in the back and beige but eventually gave up. "Ok, Kurt, come stand up here." It worked so much better when they listened to Sebastian's suggestion and Blaine didn't try to push Kurt into the background again. They were now a trio of leads. Blaine somehow thought it was his idea and started spouting off about how smart he was to move Kurt forward. The others agreed and spoke with him about it as they left.

Kurt had attacked Sebastian's mouth before they left the choir room. The last of the students had left and Blaine didn't even realize Kurt wasn't with him, he was too busy having his ego stroked. He was calming down a little though after getting riled up over Sebastian's words and the fact that the boys they had pretend be audience members kept looking around Blaine and at Kurt. With Kurt in the front with them, they looked between the three boys a lot more. Blaine didn't notice that their attention wasn't on him quite as much.

"Thank you for sticking up for me." Kurt said as he dropped to his knees to reward Sebastian. Sebastian didn't stop him but there was a strange look in his eyes as he ran his fingers through Kurt's hair. He didn't let Kurt leave right away either, pulling him into his arms and holding him tight for a few breaths.

He pressed his lips to the top of Kurt's head. "You shouldn't need sticking up for." He finally said but was too quiet for Kurt to hear.

"What?" Kurt tipped his head back and looked at Sebastian, he'd felt him speak but not the words.

"I said we should probably get to dinner."

"Ok." Kurt started to reach for Sebastian's hand but the door to the choir room started to open and Kurt pulled back quickly. It was just one of the other boys, he'd forgotten his sheet music and looked at them in surprise. They were more than a foot apart and didn't look anything but pristine and so he waved and left, not thinking anything more of it. He wasn't a close friend or someone either hung out with on a regular basis. Only those they knew wouldn't spread it around knew, still more people than Kurt was comfortable with knowing before Blaine was told.

–

Kurt and Blaine were sitting down for coffee one afternoon after classes when Sebastian sauntered over to them. "Here I was, admiring this guy, undressing him with my eyes and low and behold my shock that I actually knew who he was." Sebastian smiled flirtatiously with Blaine and Kurt hid his amusement behind his coffee cup. "Hi Blaine." He glanced at Kurt and gave him a small wink. "Kurt."

Blaine practically glowed at the attention and outrageous flirtation. It was something Kurt couldn't muster up, he could barely talk about sex with Blaine and had always been floored by the fact they did more than kiss. His flirtation with Blaine was ridiculous and often overlooked.

Sebastian understood that he was flirting when he tried it with the green eyed boy but it still wasn't outrageous or especially good. Sebastian told Kurt he didn't need flirtation but he was free to practice on him all he wanted. Kurt stopped after that and Sebastian had not realized he had been touched by Kurt's terrible attempts, it at least had been attempts at flirting with him. He missed it.

Sometimes Kurt was too subtle and sometimes he was too obvious. He didn't know how to finesse the middle and Sebastian was now determined to teach him. Although he did like how straightforward Kurt was with what he wanted now too, he just told him what he wanted without much preamble. Instead of flirtation, he just kissed Sebastian a little then said what he wanted at that time.

"Sebastian." Kurt greeted coolly. "Have you moved into the cheap rent apartment upstairs or something? Why are you always here?"

"Checking out the eye candy, that's all." Sebastian answered smoothly, his hand running over Blaine's shoulder and neck suggestively. "I know where to find hot guys, the club and the coffee shop."

"I'm sure there's other venues." Blaine tried to offer peacefully but Kurt watched Sebastian's long fingered and talented hand work at Blaine. If he didn't know better he'd suspect the two were hot for each other.

Yet he did know better, he knew those two wouldn't actually ever touch each other. His demonstration on Blaine was all for Kurt's sake, watching what his fingers did to his own neck and shoulders. Blaine's side in all of this was simple too- he just liked positive attention, even from Sebastian. If Sebastian attempted something more or suggested it, Blaine would turn him down flat.

"Go bother someone else." Kurt said bravely but knew he wanted that hand on him. That curling mouth on him. He tried to hold his facade until Blaine was no longer looking at him. Sebastian just grinned, knowing too much about Kurt. Knew Kurt too well. They both did and yet both were missing so much about him. He was missing out on knowing both of them better too.

And that was what broke Kurt in the end.

He didn't crumble just then and there but he did sit both Sebastian and Blaine down in a study area that was not often used by anyone. It was far away from the main rooms, down too low in the basement, had no windows and was a bit cold. The door was also incredibly hard to open on your own from the inside.

He didn't tell either of them why he wanted them down there, didn't tell the other that the other would be joining them. He didn't tell Sebastian that he was even thinking about doing this, didn't give him any heads up. He had barely decided upon it himself seconds before he kicked himself and told himself he was just being a horrible person by holding it back. He needed to make a decision and stick with it. He wanted both in his life and the only way to have them both fully and give himself fully to them was by putting everything out in the open. The final decision to just jump in to the icy waters was made just before he invited them both down, minutes before they were all there together.

"Blaine, I have to admit to something you're not going to like. I wish I could couch this in gentle terms and keep you from getting angry. Keep you calm and able to see the whole thing from all sides and see the opportunity ahead of us. I don't though and I have to just come out and say it and let the chips fall where they may. I have to tell you with you both here so there's no more miscommunication or misunderstandings. Everyone will know everything from now on." Kurt announced.

Sebastian straightened up, knowing exactly where this was going. He had not been consulted though, he thought this was a mistake. "Kurt-" Sebastian tried to interrupt. Kurt was working up the courage to say what he needed to despite Sebastian's motions to stop.

Blaine looked like he had no idea what Kurt was going to say. "I really do wish there was a better way to tell you this... Sebastian and I have been sleeping together since before you and I became a couple." There it was out, he couldn't hide it anymore.

Sebastian instantly pushed away from the table and moved out of reach and he grabbed Kurt's arm and pulled him away too, fearful of what Blaine would do. He pushed a reluctant Kurt behind him. "It's just sex, buddy." Sebastian tried to appease but Blaine was sitting there motionless, just staring at the center of the table. "Kurt and I-"

"Blaine-" Kurt started, wanting to take Blaine in his arms. The lack of a response seemed far worse than anything he could have imagined.

Sebastian shook his head and shoved Kurt further back. "Blaine, I wouldn't have told -"

"Shut up." Blaine raised pain filled eyes up to his once roommate, and his boyfriend. "This whole time?"

"Yes." Kurt moved out from behind Sebastian. He wasn't a damsel in distress needing protection. It was his fault this whole thing had happened in the first place. He would take his lumps courageously and rightfully. Sebastian didn't deserve to be in the line of fire. "I know I should have told you since the beginning but I was afraid that what we had building and budding would be cut down at the source. I love you, Blaine, and I want to continue being with you."

"Not enough to stop sleeping with Sebastian. We've been a couple for ages and been having sex ourselves for weeks. Is he why you are 'unavailable' some nights and weekends?"

"Yes."

"You're my boyfriend." Blaine stated numbly. "You've been sleeping with my least favorite Warbler behind my back. I should have been your first priority, always. I should have come first. If I wanted you, you should have chosen me over Sebastian, every time. You're a cheater, Kurt. You've cheated on me, you've cheated me and you've cheapened our relationship and my view of you, cheapened both of us by being with him." Blaine was disgusted and Sebastian thought maybe he'd gone a bit too far, not even just his criticism of Sebastian but of all three of them in general.

"To be fair, you and I never talked about exclusivity, Blaine." Kurt pointed out, stepping forward despite Sebastian's hands to keep him back. He did have to say it, though he knew it was a thing that could definitely backfire and was a pretty harsh thing to say just then when Blaine was reeling from a lot of different hurt and pain-filled feelings. It could compound things but if it was the end for them, he needed it to be completely aired out and honest.

"You're my boyfriend, I thought that was pretty obvious that I was looking for an exclusive relationship. I suppose you two talked about it."

"Actually, yes, extensively." Sebastian answered dryly. "We've had to renegotiate terms a few times. He cheated on me more than he ever cheated on you." Sebastian didn't mean times but he meant that Kurt had gone against their agreement, though Kurt pointed out that they'd talked about Kurt and Blaine getting closer and how Sebastian made it seem like he was ok with him sleeping with Blaine.

"I didn't cheat on you." Kurt spun his head to throw at Sebastian.

"I didn't make myself clear, so I suppose you're right, cheating is the wrong word. Still felt that way at the time though." It was Sebastian's fault for not telling Kurt exactly what he wanted. He didn't think he had to though with how much he'd bent and changed for Kurt. Except Kurt couldn't have known that, he'd only known Sebastian in the midst of change and anything else was hearsay. Still Kurt had done so much outside of what he was about and had never done before. Sebastian had thought that there was something that Kurt could feel and knew too. Maybe he was still not recognizing it or Sebastian was just being naively hopeful and reading into things.

The damage was done and Sebastian wasn't going to make Kurt choose, knowing that he wouldn't be Kurt's pick, no matter how much he wanted to be. He should just walk away, demand better for himself and of himself but he was in too deep right now, deeper than he'd ever been with anyone. Even this terrible arrangement was better than anything he'd had before. He hadn't asked for more either, still. Hadn't told Kurt even the surface of his feelings.

"What do you hope to gain by telling me this? I never thought in a million years that the two of you would end up in bed together. I defintely would never have begun to date you if I'd known you slept with Sebastian, even if you weren't doing it anymore." Blaine eyed both of them wearily. "You could have continued cheating on me without me being wise to it. Why tell me now?"

Sebastian was not liking how close Kurt was getting to Blaine. He was still expecting fists to fly.

"I couldn't keep these worlds apart anymore. I didn't want you to find out on your own. I had to tell you. More and more you were overlapping and I hate keeping this from you Blaine. I'm... hoping... when you've had a chance to think this through that you'd be open to a triangular relationship? You, me, Sebastian. I continue sleeping with both of you and you two can have sex too but not without me being present. It would only be the 3 of us, no one else."

"Why do you get to have a side piece and neither of us do?" Blaine snarled at him.

"Yeah, why do you get two guys that you want and the two of us are stuck with the other one?" Sebastian asked, mostly teasing but he forgot that Kurt's emotions right now were running high and was a little fraught. This made no difference to Sebastian, things weren't going to change for him. Well, that was mostly true, the only change would be if Blaine broke up with Kurt, then he'd have him all to himself. Or if Blaine insisted Kurt break things off with Sebastian.

"What do you want to do, invite Hunter into the mix?"

Sebastian glared at him. "That was uncalled for."

"You're right, I'm sorry." Kurt knew it too the second it left his mouth.

"Me too." Sebastian knew he'd pushed for that reaction, he deserved it. Blaine was just looking between the two of them now as if he'd never met them before, as if they were aliens doing weird, weird things.

"Why do you ever think I'd agree to this? You're both nuts if you think this is going to work!" Blaine snapped, pulling attention back to him. "Why do you get to draw up terms?"

Kurt wrapped his arms around himself. "This is the only area that I have any control. Please let me have it." Sebastian wanted to touch Kurt, anywhere, anyway, just breech that gap and put a hand on him, reassure him he wasn't standing there alone. It was a messed up situation but he wasn't alone or helpless, that he wasn't going to wind up in the hospital today for expressing his desires (or lack of them) as he had before.

"At the expense of everyone else?" Blaine snarled.

"No, there's a lot in there, areas where you have say. I just... I don't want to choose between you two and it wasn't fair for you to be unaware of him..."

"Well, there is nothing to control now, Kurt. We're done. You're both crazy and you deserve each other!" He tried to storm out and struggled with the door. He was stronger than Kurt and Kurt had picked down here for this exact reason.

Kurt winced and spoke to the upset boy. "You have to push it in first before pulling back on the handle."

"That's stupid, why would you- I know how to- oh, that worked." Blaine looked at the open door for a moment and then back at Kurt. "We have nothing more to say to each other. Don't talk to me ever again. Stay away from me, you're poison and I hate you right this moment, especially for sleeping with Sebastian! I will never forgive you." Blaine went through the doorway and slammed the door behind him. Kurt sighed deeply and sadly, just staring at the door long after the slam's echoes slowly died off. He didn't know how he was feeling or what to do next.

"And that, dear Kurt, is why you always consult me before you talk to the hobbit."

"Shut it Sebastian." All Kurt knew was that he didn't need Sebastian rubbing it into his face.

"Yeah, ok." Sebastian though was too gleeful to keep his mouth shut for long, he wanted to occupy it with something else other than words though. Kurt may be feeling bad about the loss of Blaine in his romantic life and possibly altogether, but that meant that Kurt and Sebastian could go back to pre-Blaine.

Sebastian was looking forward to it.

Of course his joy only lasted a few days.