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Chapter 21

On My Own Back to What I'm Used to

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Blaine sank down into the seat next to Sebastian at lunch time. He was somehow without an occupant next to him and Blaine seized the opportunity to join him. It had been a few days since Blaine had looked or talked to either of them. Most of the time he stormed off from the group if either joined.

"Are you lost?" Sebastian asked as he speared one of his strawberries with his fork. He'd been hoping for Kurt to join him and they could announce it officially to those who already knew he and Kurt were more than just friends.

"Nope, I was looking for you." Blaine snagged a carrot off his plate and Sebastian nearly stabbed him with his fork for thinking he could ever touch what was his, but that was the problem, wasn't it? Even though he got Kurt, he felt like he was the consolation prize.

"What do I owe the dubious honor?" Sebastian snarked and moved his plate out of Blaine's reach. If only he could do that with everything.

"I wanted to let you know first that I've decided to take Kurt up on his suggestion."

Sebastian turned his head and stared at Blaine as if he'd lost his head. "That means sharing him with me."

"Yeah, that's not going to last long." Blaine gave a shrug. "I hate being on my own, and Kurt's always been mine. He's opened me up to a whole new world and I'm not going to go anywhere, I'm staying right there with him. You were just a temporary distraction. Now that I know about you two, I'm going to win, I'm going to get him to drop you and keep only me. You'll be yesterday's news in less than 10 minutes. I am going to actively eviscerate you from his life."

Sebastian laughed. "Good luck with that buddy."

"Kurt's already agreed to take me back. I'll make him think getting you out of our lives is his idea. He will never know that he ever thought otherwise. He'll view you the same way I do, a mistake that's best forgotten."

"What happened to your disgust that he ever slept with me?" Sebastian still held his ground.

Blaine gave a noncommittal shrug. "A lot of guys have slept with you. I overreacted, you must have some kind of draw that Kurt had to try. He'll forget about you, will not want you anymore. Maybe you tricked or convinced him through devious means, I don't know. I wouldn't put it passed you to be able to brainwash lesser minds than mine."

Sebastian held back so much he wanted to say to Blaine just then.

–

Sebastian found Kurt looking at the chess board with Jeff and Nick. Nobody had moved a piece in days. "You guys really have no idea who it is? Really?" Kurt glanced at both of them and they gave a shrug. "Honestly, I would have thought it was obvious."

"You want to talk about honesty-"

"You want to talk about obvious-"

The couple started at the same time but Sebastian overrode them both. "What the hell, Kurt? I have to hear from Blaine that the two of you are back together?"

Kurt whirled around and looked sheepishly at Sebastian. "That happened about 10 minutes ago, sorry, I haven't had a chance to tell you."

"Tell me." Sebastian huffed. "I thought we were over you just making decisions for both of us!"

Kurt opened his mouth and then rethought what he was going to say and adjusted his pose. "It's the same agreement we had put forth a couple of days ago. Blaine just agreed to it. Since it was the plan all along, I didn't think I needed to consult you."

"What did I tell you about consulting me when it came to Blaine?"

"Do it before I make any decisions to tell him anything?" Kurt smiled cheekily and usually Sebastian would just drag him into another room and 'punish' him, but Sebastian was really upset about this. Here he'd thought he'd had Kurt all on his own again, back to what he'd known before Blaine got involved. He thought he was saved a very uncomfortable conversation about what he wanted and how it meant just the two of them and why. He waited too long to put forth the new terms, too scared to be rejected even though there wasn't any competition any more.

"You told me you weren't going to frost me out if the three of us got together. I'm feeling very frosted out." Sebastian spun on his heel and stormed out of the room.

Kurt sagged dejectedly against the table behind him. He felt like Sebastian had just shot him with a laser beam and now there was a gaping hole straight through his chest. Why was Sebastian so mad at him? It's pretty much where they'd been days ago, nothing had changed. He hadn't meant to keep Sebastian in the dark, Blaine had just shocked him with his acceptance to the suggestion. It wasn't like Sebastian had watched Blaine walk away and then ask to change their terms and relationship or lack there of. Sex was not a relationship, especially when there weren't feelings involved on Sebastian's side other than maybe friendship separate from the sex.

There were sounds of protest behind him, as the boys tried to keep the chessboard from tumbling over but he didn't disrupt the game at all. It was still pristine and set up for a new game, the 8th such game. Whoever the mystery player was, he had won all of them. He had not touched it since. There was a worry that he was bored with winning.

"You three..." Nick shook his head. "It's harder keeping track of what relationship is going on with you three than it is with the Finchelinnuckana."

Kurt glanced at Nick in surprise. "You keep track of those 5?"

"Of course, McKinley drama is more fun than a soap opera. We're an all boys' boarding school, sometimes it gets really boring and sometimes more interesting. So we live for drama around here. Except when it comes to our three lead singers. Then it's not as amusing. Make up your mind already." Jeff spoke in response and his tone was harsh by the end. Nick nodded along with everything Jeff said.

"That's the trouble. How do I choose between two totally different guys? Every time I think I have a handle on it, they go and break up with me or change personalities or positions on a matter." Kurt breathed in deeply. "I just want to keep both of them. They both have so many pluses and minuses. Just when I think I'm going to break off with one, they go and do something that makes me rethink it. Or just when I think I have chosen that one, they do something that makes me hesitate, makes me worry about what happens if I choose them. I went from having no one, being told I never would for the rest of my life, which for a moment seemed like it would end soon. To having two guys both want me, but in different ways. One wanted my attention and one wanted my body. It's only recently that they started asking for more than that."

They looked at him with a bit more sympathy, a little more understanding. Sometimes it was easy to forget how scared and hurt Kurt had been when he first came from McKinley. They didn't see how he changed when he went back to Lima to a public location. Even Sebastian and Blaine hadn't really seen it, he tried to put on a brave face but if he was alone, he was still terrified of what the jocks would do if they saw him. What they'd do if they found out that he had a boyfriend.

So Nick spoke a bit kinder than Jeff had, tried to be a little more reassuring too. "Even if you love both of them, sooner or later you'll realize who you love more." Nick said and decided he was going to just go first this time.

"Love?" Kurt questioned, it took him a moment to realize that he and Sebastian had never said anything like that to each other. Blaine and him had on several occasions. Even when Sebastian was defending their actions, he'd said it was just sex. They'd talked about it in broad terms but what he'd said to Sebastian still held true, Sebastian would run a mile if he heard the L word directed at him.

"If it's not for love, then why put everyone through all of this?" Jeff hadn't thought about Kurt's past at all, was just annoyed that there was so much hemming and hawing over what he thought was a simple decision. It might have been, for him. For Kurt it seemed like the rest of his life depended on it, that the pendulum would swing in very different directions depending on who he chose. So he would rather keep it still in the center, see both sides until he was ready to dive into one universe.

Why indeed? How soon were you supposed to be able to know if it was love at all, much less real love or false love? Love-love vs friend love or just lust? Was it easy to confuse them? How did you know anything for sure, confirm it? Weed it out from all the other confusing feelings?

He had point-blank refused to look at his feelings when it came to Sebastian, he didn't want to read into them too deeply. He and Sebastian were just having fun. Sebastian's anger today was just because he hated being kept out of the decision-making process. Also that he'd heard it from Blaine, not because he had any feelings toward Kurt other than a sure-thing and friends with benefits. He cared about Kurt sure, but it was far from love. Bringing anything more up with Sebastian was tantamount to losing him. If he asked for anything more from Sebastian, Sebastian would break things off with him and run far and fast. Kurt would never see him again. No, it was better to let things play out naturally and not push for anything more.

Kurt was feeling disgruntled with the two in front of him and let loose a nugget of knowledge for them. "It's Trent, he's the one you've been playing against this whole time." How could they not see that?

"Trent?" Jeff asked skeptically. "Are you sure?"

"Positive, and it just confirmed it this week while he's been out sick. He and Sebastian are in chess club together." If Sebastian could still be cool while in chess club- never mind, Sebastian was French, he'd always be cool, no matter what he did.

Kurt gathered up his books and headed back to his room for some peace and quiet. He had some serious thinking to do. Why was he still stringing Sebastian along if they had nothing but sex driving them? He would end it with Sebastian, Blaine and Sebastian both deserved more than what they had with Kurt. Blaine because he loved him and knew Blaine loved him too and why hurt their relationship for anything short of love. He still had to tell Blaine that he'd cheated, that had been the right thing to do. Doing so and then ending it with Sebastian? That was just really poor timing but he hadn't thought of it in the terms Nick and Jeff had put it in before.

He would owe Blaine a massive apology... soon.

Sebastian, because why continue to sleep with him if he didn't have deeper feelings? If Sebastian didn't have deeper feelings in return? Just the thought of having that conversation and ending things with Sebastian sent him into a panic attack and he nearly threw up.

What was wrong with him? He was determined to put all thoughts about Sebastian and finishing this out of his mind. His pulse calmed down and he threw up whatever defenses he could around the male with the green eyes, concrete walls, stainless steel, barbed fences and a fence with a tall hedge of thorns kept him from thinking about any of that deeper. It was in Sebastian's hands, not his. Sebastian wanted to be consulted, wanted to be part of the decision making process, well he could make this decision for them.

So he ended right back where he'd started, like always. Once he made a decision he'd spiral back to the beginning, giving himself all the reasons he couldn't do that; that it would be foolish to end things with that one and the other. Why couldn't he make a decision? Was it just because he was chicken-shit? Or because he feared about making the wrong choice? Or because he did truly love both of them equally?

Shit... he loved Sebastian. The realization nearly sent him into another spiral of panic. His emotions were in far too deep compared to the boy who was just using their friendship for sex. He was going to get hurt, hard. He had to try and unlatch himself from this, he had to put some distance and protect his heart. Except it was already too late, he was already in love with Sebastian. Trying to distance himself now would only hurt him worse. How had that happened? They were just using each other for sex, when did those feelings start to grow?

–

He really believed he and Sebastian were in real splitsville after this latest development. Which is why when Sebastian sank down next to him outside on the steps as he watched wind blow through the trees, he'd been surprised.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked as Sebastian's long lean legs stretched out in front of them.

"I'm mad but I've realized that we haven't exactly approached our time together as a relationship. We've just been fuck buddies who've had some arguments and have included your boyfriend into the mix." Sebastian held up a finger. "He and I agreed, neither of us are going to be in the room while the other one has sex with you and we're not going to fuck each other. On that score, nothing has changed. Whether either of us strays and has sexual congress with another, well... that's hard to predict and so if it happens, we've agreed to come forth with the knowledge but have not agreed to that term otherwise. Exclusivity though is expected from you, so it's just the three of us, Blaine made sure to spell it out this time."

"So eloquent." Kurt murmured to himself. Blaine had made that a known fact when they'd talked too. Kurt had no interest in bringing in another male.

"From now on, I'm just going to put it out there plainly." Sebastian then and went and belied what he'd just said by going and confusing Kurt with his next statement. "I realize that it's unfair to ask you to choose just me when I haven't given you equal exposure."

Kurt couldn't help but give a small laugh. "What are you talking about? We've been exposed to each other plenty." He blushed lightly but didn't take back what he said when he realized how it came out.

"Yes, but not like you have with Blaine. We've had sex, and we've had heavy flirting and barbs, but I have never taken you out properly. I've never laid on the Sebastian charm."

"You really don't have to." Kurt was a little worried about this Sebastian and his plans.

"Yeah, I do. I know what I told you all those months ago but I'm changing the terms of our agreement and you have no say in it, not if you still want to be with both me and Blaine." He looked at Kurt, almost begging for him to release him. Kurt let him talk. "You're going to get the boyfriend experience from both of us now. We'll all be equals now, no more hiding us."

"No one is going to understand this." Kurt didn't say no.

"They won't understand anything that's happened between the 3 of us. That's ok, it's not their lives and they don't have to, only we do." Sebastian smiled smugly. "You would never choose me if you're weighing sex with feels. Feels will win out with you, even if I'm the better in bed."

Kurt had to reign him in a little. "You've had the experience."

"That's not a denial." Sebastian slid an arm around Kurt's waist. Sebastian grinned wolfishly at Kurt. "But how does it feel in comparison?

"Of course experience feels better."

"If you took the experience out of it, if you just went with the connection you have with your partner- which is better?" Sebastian was pressing and he knew he could easily overstep, as he said, Kurt and Blaine had feels and it could easily backfire on Sebastian to ask about this. He thought he really had put his foot in it when Kurt was quiet for a very long time.

Finally, Kurt answered, but he didn't look at him and his answer was deceptively simple. "It's just not the same."

Sebastian wisely didn't push for more. He just spent the next ten minutes just watching the wind with Kurt. They'd never really had these moments of quiet together before. He'd have time later to push and prod and get at Kurt's sensitive underbelly and all his buttons that he didn't let anyone touch or levers pulled. He'd win Kurt, Blaine had no idea what he was going up against.

Neither did Sebastian.

And Kurt was just stuck in the middle of all of it. Most people wouldn't feel sorry for him because he got himself into the mess. Except he wasn't sure how it had all happened around him, he just knew that he couldn't let go of either. They had both made themselves such important parts of his life. He'd gone into all of this with no intentions of getting involved in any boy but they both had wormed their ways into his life.

He didn't even recognize the boy he'd become. Had he become the puppeteer of his own life? If so, he had to have some words with himself. Yet, he was grateful for the time he got with both boys. There would have always been a what-if in the back of his mind otherwise, either way. For some reason he felt like if it wasn't now, then it was never, either way and so somehow it had become both.

–

For about 3 months, they shared Kurt. Not just his body but his time and attention and laughter and just Kurt. For both boys, it wasn't enough.

They each pulled out all the stops, wining and dining Kurt, minus the wine. They each tried to outdo the last date, tried to outdo the other in everything. Blaine brushed up on all the different techniques, read about them extensively and used a lot of his free time watching porn so he could become the porno master.

That's at least what Kurt dubbed him when he talked to Rachel and Mercedes about this about 1.5 months in. They'd both laughed hard and long at his dry rendition of what Blaine was up to. "Not that Sebastian's been much better. He's gone all soft and romantic, bringing me flowers daily, talking nicely and not using one single innuendo or insult. It's like someone switched their brains or personalities, but even that's not right. It's like someone has just zapped them out of themselves, harvested their brains or something." Blaine was bending over backward to ensure that Kurt had everything he possibly could in Glee. "I don't want to be lead soloist for every song." He complained. "I want us to win and that means putting forth the best we have and I can admit that means that I have to share the stage. I want to share the stage. There's so many strong, amazing vocalists in that group. We're just losing time with this distraction."

"Well that at least is for our benefit." Rachel said cheerfully. "Though you being front and center for every song may have it's advantages too."

"Maybe but no." Kurt shook his head, he definitely didn't want that. It had been fun for about a month but slowly he was getting just more and more annoyed at both of them.

Sebastian was taking him on more and more extravagant outings and Kurt liked fancy things but this was getting ridiculous. He was only 17. Some of those things he'd have liked to have earned or save some things for when he was older.

Blaine was always trying to do new things with him. Things that Kurt wasn't exactly comfortable doing with him and he'd had to tell him no several times, it was too far. Blaine had put on his puppy dog expression and whined and begged and Kurt told him no. He then got accusatory and said Kurt would do with with Sebastian. Because Sebastian would have had already done it a million times before so he could trust him to do it right.

Kurt didn't correct Blaine, there was that, but some of those things he wouldn't even do with Sebastian. They were just too far out of his comfort zone and he'd already pushed his zone quite far. Honestly, if both Blaine and Sebastian suggested some of the things Blaine had and neither had done them, he may feel more inclined with trying them with Sebastian. If Sebastian had done them in the past, then he would be able to be swayed just a little more firmly on doing so. If Blaine had done it before... Kurt wasn't sure what kind of reaction he'd have to that, it was a moot point because Blaine had only ever slept with Kurt and Kurt had only had sex with Blaine and Sebastian. There just were things that Blaine suggested that Kurt would never do with anyone, didn't matter if they were a master at it and could ensure safety. He just wouldn't do it.

Blaine was complaining that they didn't do anything adventurous in their sex life, it was all the same things every time. Kurt had a hard time breathing after that announcement, because he found all those things still very exciting and no matter how often he did a few things, he still had to work himself up to it. He had to convince himself that he could go through with it because just a little over a year ago, he'd never have imagined himself doing them, never imagined anyone would do them with him. Hadn't known to imagine a lot of it too.

Kisses and holding hands and cuddling together had been the extent of his fantasies until he'd met Sebastian. When he'd met Blaine, those prior fantasies were just even stronger with a particular person in it's starring role.

Nothing was old hat to him. He was a little worried that Blaine thought so. It was an accusation that he'd thought Sebastian would have leveled at him. But no, Sebastian was very content in their sex-life. Of course Kurt never told him that Blaine was trying to notch things up, he didn't want it to come from both sides.

"Kurt?" Rachel asked softly, catching Kurt with his thumb nail between his teeth looking off to the side, lost in deep thought.

Kurt shook his head and moved his hand away from his mouth. That was embarrassing, he hadn't bitten his nails since he forced himself to stop the habit a few months after his mother died. "Yes?"

"Is one of them making you uncomfortable?"

"Yes." Kurt answered honestly, more honestly than he realized he would. He didn't know where that was coming from.

"Which one?"

The problem was – both of them. Sebastian was pressing for Kurt to open up and share feelings, which he'd done somewhat in the past, but had always just been annoyance with Blaine. He couldn't do that anymore, had stopped doing that when he'd agreed to sleep with Sebastian and date Blaine. He was asking for Kurt to feel something for the playboy. Trouble being that he was and that made him nervous and unsure. When it was just sex between him and Sebastian it was fine, he knew once things ended, it ended. There were no messy emotions involved and he could pretend that when it ended it was fine, that he'd been expecting it. It had been a year now though and Sebastian hadn't gone far. If Kurt shared that he was in love with Sebastian, that was going to change with a screeching halt. So he had to keep those feelings from Sebastian the best that he could.

Whenever it came to sex with Blaine, Kurt was incredibly uncomfortable. He'd pushed through it on the occasions they'd had it, but it had always been something that he had to psych himself into doing. It had gotten a little easier and he'd relaxed a little with him and sex but it still always felt... off. Yes he'd likened it to home after work but it wasn't home after a long time away or the home you wanted to just bask in when other engagements tried to pull you away. It wasn't the home you just wanted to be in at all times and hated to leave, felt comfortable spending a week in without ever leaving.

Sebastian's question about if you took out experience, which was better, Kurt felt like a traitor to want to say with you. Blaine was his boyfriend and love.

Now though, he had two boyfriends and he'd still only exchanged those words with Blaine, though infrequent and less often as time went on. Did he still feel that way about Blaine? Of course he did, why else would he still be with him?It wasn't just because he was incredibly attractive and a great catch and popular. He was all those things, but there were a lot of feelings involved too.

Kurt shook his head. He felt like he was on the cusp of something bit, an answer that had been avoiding him for too long, except it kept eluding him. He was just not getting enough sleep between the two of them occupying his waking time with their antics. He was over-thinking things again.

This was the first time in months that he'd gotten to go home and hang out with the girls. Other weekends either Blaine or Sebastian had tagged along. He hadn't gotten any time alone with either Finn or Sam. His dad was worried about him, and had mentioned it this morning saying he had bags under his eyes and that just wasn't his son.

Kurt wondered if it was all the sex, the outings or the anxiety clawing away at his insides that were causing it. He thought after telling Blaine the truth that feeling would go away. It had lessened somewhat but intensified in other ways.

He couldn't even get himself worked up over Glee or homework.

"Maybe you just need to distance yourself from both of them. For awhile, or more permanently." Mercedes said softly, knowing it wasn't probably exactly what Kurt wanted to hear.

Kurt raised distressed eyes to her and she bounced off the bed and threw herself around him. Rachel wasn't far behind and they both hugged him fiercely.

He may have gotten himself into this mess but he felt like he was now drowning and didn't know how to get himself back to the surface to breath again. Didn't know how to get himself out of it. It was like stepping foot into quicksand, at first you didn't realize you were going under until it was too late to free yourself. Then it was suddenly pressing heavily on your chest and you couldn't breath anymore and the next time you were able to take a deep breath in, it would be only to inhale a lung full of sand. He couldn't even force himself to sink faster.

–

He really was considering going it alone again. Mercedes' words echoing the clearest in his head amongst all the advice he'd received without asking for it. He'd done it before and he was used to it. Sebastian surprised him though. "Hey." He greeted, his hands massaging Kurt's shoulders and his mouth pressed a small kiss to his jaw. "I want to do something crazy with you this weekend."

"What's that?" Kurt was dreading what he was going to say.

"Just hang out with Sam and Finn. Maybe the other McKinley Glee kids too. I know you haven't seen much of them and I'd like to see them again too. It's been too long."

"Really? That's how you want to spend your weekend with me?" They traded off weekends, but sometimes it was just days. This time it was an entire weekend. "Not flying me out to France to squash grapes with our feet? Or California to watch the surfing competition? Maybe both on the same day?"

Sebastian grinned, obviously holding in a laugh that said he thought Kurt was being ridiculous. "I mean, if you really want to, I guess I could find a place in the world that those things are actually happening, but yeah, I want to just hang with you and your friends. Something low-key sounds perfect for this weekend."

Kurt turned and flung his arms around Sebastian. "That sounds perfect. Thank you. It's just what I think I need."

"You know, you're in this relationship too, right?" Sebastian said to his hair as he wrapped his arms around Kurt too. "If you want to do something or don't want to do it, just say. I'm pretty open to your suggestions, as you know or should know by now." And there it was, innuendo Sebastian was back, but that was a really subtle one.

"I missed you." Kurt breathed into Sebastian's shoulder and seeing as how Sebastian hadn't gone anywhere, he wasn't sure what Kurt was talking about but didn't press. He didn't even chalk this up for a win in his favor, he just wanted Kurt to be happy.

–

EAN: Remember, I said they all learn things 10 minutes too late, the hard way? Yeah, there's a bit more to learn for each of them.