fel: i'm miserable tonight and frankly I don't know why I'm doing anything anymore or pretending to be happy or okay. Today wasn't even bad. It was nice actually. A calm lazy day and the moment I went outside I felt gross and wrong. I don't know why I keep doing any of this. Art. Writing. All this shit. Here am I whittling time because I don't know how to spend it actually having fun so I do this.
I make myself miserable sitting in front of a screen because i'm not sure anymore what people do for fun if they are alone. to make themselves feel like their entire life isn't a waste and why am I pretending to myself otherwise that I ever have enjoyed writing
They set out in the morning along the coast with a makeshift wheelbarrow Karol constructed out of broken pieces of the barrel lids that they're using to help drag Rita and him along. He kept insisting it probably be faster to just carry Rita and walk but Patty finally just ended up blurting that is was exclusively for him.
"No offense but you're moving slower than usual and I am holding you to those Sunday plans." Which ya know is pretty fair. It is probably faster than if they just walked. His whole body has been burning since they woke up and he's hoping it's just a mild fever. His head has been aching too with every other noise giving him a headache that's made it hard to focus on their surroundings.
"Lay down and get some rest," Rita barks at him and the noise rings loud enough that Yuri jolts a little from the shock. "You look like you're about to pass out any second."
"I'm not."
Rita raises a brow and in the small space, she's easily able to reach over and pull him into a headlock that while Yuri normally would escape is foiled when she tickled his antennas in a way that turns his muscles to jelly. God everything feels relaxed and unwound for the first time in forever but he's not giving Rita the satisfaction-
She's scratching his ears. This isn't fair! "Fucking stop it!"
A snort, "Aw, do you not like good scritches like an ungrateful bitch?"
"Yes. It's humiliating."
"I think it's adorable," Karol blurted and Yuri narrowed his eyes at the kid slowly debating whether not to hurt him over that. Yuri is not adorable. He is either sexy or uber sex and there is no debate on this. "What?! He's like a big monster dog! I think he's gonna be like a super big wolf that I can bear hug and ride on his back if we don't fix him. It'll be so cool." Should he mention the side glare Repede is giving him as he trots along?
Yuri took in a deep breath and sighed because ya know- "Karol, great attitude. Terrible phrasing."
Patty nodded, "Exactly. We're not supposed to admit we're really curious to see what Yuri will turn out like. Or how having a huge monster pet in the guild would be cool. That is an indoor thought."
"God, not this again!" Rita moaned. "I thought we all collectively agreed indoor thoughts were a stupid idea."
"Yeah, but when you really think about it it's a valid way to describe topics you aren't supposed to actually discuss."
Yuri shut his eyes and tried his best to tune everyone out as his headache returned with a vengeance. Don't remind him that Rita is likely to not fix him and make him normal again. They're talking about the construct of indoor thoughts and what monsters are coolest in general. It's all benign but very loud and he didn't want to think about how his spine keeps stinging. That-
He's hearing everyone perfectly fine. He's fine.
He's not missing a few words here and there. He's not… Yuri is perfectly fine. It doesn't matter that their words are fumbling and dissolving into mush in his ears. It's fine that the conversations are mostly passing over his head while they travel as long as they possibly can before getting to the point where they're camping for the night.
They'll be reaching the edge of the continent fairly soon and then the real challenge begins. Judith managed to make some makeshift and mismatched coats they can wear in layers out of sails, bedding, cloth bags, and a few pelts they had harvested. The coats are far from appealing or even that warm but they're what they have for now.
Tough monsters and tough weather. It's gonna be a blast.
Flynn was exhausted down to the very core of his being. He'd been managing his troops along with the other captains and the refugees from Nor harbor and the surrounding part of the continent. There weren't a lot of other commanders or units to help him and to make matters worse there was no sign of Yuri or the rest of them. A part of him thought perhaps they were already at the capital but as far his men could tell nobody of their description had passed through Halure or any of the surrounding area. Not to mention apparently Deidon Hold was still under Alexei's control.
Not the worst thing but it certainly wouldn't make the movement of large amounts of troops to Zaphias any easier. Fucking hell. At least one thing was made clear once he'd rejoined the knights after the Heracles and that was he was far from the only one with his current condition.
A fair amount of the refugees from Zaphias along with some of his knights started showing the symptoms... And one did explode and Flynn has to live with that image for the rest of his life. It's fine. Sleep is for the weak anyway assuming he makes it longer than a week.
Dear god, what the hell even happened to everyone else? All this silence is driving him insane. Is Yuri dead or sick? Trapped in a ditch? Flynn knows this is Yuri he's talking about; the guy is perfectly fine for the level of fucked up the situation he's in is in all likelihood. He's choosing to believe that because that is how it usually turns out. Yuri could fall of a tower window from over a thousand feet and Flynn is sure he would show up perfectly fine despite all forms of logic.
…But also he's not saying he isn't unprepared to cry into a bottle of wine until he's so drunk it's a potential health hazard and eat ice cream if that turns out not to be the case.
He's fine. This is fine. This- this will work out. Somehow.
It has to.
"Captain?" He hears the tent flap lift as Sodia walks in with a plate of food. He should eat but frankly, the thought of doing so at the moment makes his stomach turns and he just sets it aside when he takes it. "You need to eat. Rest. We can handle things long enough for you to relax for ten minutes, it's not my place to say this, but you're going to reach your limits if you keep this pace up."
It's not often that Sodia ever notes when he's being reckless. Most cases he's on a pedestal so high she hardly seems aware that he's not sure what he's doing on occasion but when she does it's when he gets too caught in his work. Workaholics seem to be great at catching other workaholics.
"We need to break past Deidon Hold soon before more people die from this mutating and more importantly before Alexei completes whatever mad scheme he's planning. I don't have time to sleep."
Not when nearly half his chest is covered in scales and everything is suddenly far too bright. He doesn't want to sleep or waste time on that because he could end up useless for hours or days. What if he has an episode and he ends up like that one noble refugee?
That person wasn't even human in less than a few hours. More an overgrown plant monster that has to be put down.
Had been put down.
Apparently, the other knights found that once the people stopped being able to talk it was a sign they were too far gone and they were slain before it got worse. Before it was just a monster. Flynn wasn't going to let that happen to him without doing everything he damn well could to help.
"The stress is probably speeding your progression."
"Why do you say that?" He was looking over the map again thinking of the best way to get past the Deidon. They need at least a squad to enter Zaphias and recon had come back stating that there were troops in the Quoi Woods as well.
"Witcher has noticed a correlation and I find that every time you look stressed you scratch at your skin and it sheds."
"Any progress on a way to at least slow it down."
"Not enough to do anything for the current men."
Great. Can't there be good news for once? Flynn just needs a win in the whole hell he's pushing himself through to get everything to work out. To get a good ending. To just- just something. Maybe he should eat. That probably do something for his sour mood in the very least.
"Witcher does believe given what you've said Dein Nomos can protect a small group of knights long enough for them to enter Zaphias without the aer there destroying them."
That's about what he figured. They need an army to enter though not a suicide squad just there to take out Alexei before the rest of his knight did them in. He needed a walk and he tried to dismiss her as polite as possible before leaving his tent.
Suffocating. All so suffocating. Like a noose about to choke him. He wanted to be away from people, from the stress, the everything of it all left town with the intent to kill monsters till his brain killed. That's what he thought.
What he found instead was Captain Shwann- no, Raven- doing target practice as he notched an arrow clumsily before it all tumbled out of his hands. The knights said he'd been half-dead when they found him with severe blood loss and some fractured ribs. He spent a long time staring at the stub where the rest of his arm used to be. That was when Yeager appeared with an offer, "You can't shoot a bow with only von hand, ja? Then I vould think you would be eager to hear of the deal we're willing to cut."
A mechanical replacement that would run on life force similar to what the Zagi lunatic had. The offered him a new arm in exchange they wanted a few favors down the line for the guild and sadly they were in desperate need of this.
Flynn could only assume it was painful- disgustingly so given how much screaming and crying went and how many bloodied wraps left that room before it was over. How hollowed out Raven seemed when he saw him the next day. He lacked control and any sort of grace with it, but it moved, and he could use it.
"Still having trouble holding steady?"
Raven huffed and let out a sad laugh, "Yeah. The hardest part is how drained it leaves me. Ya would think it wouldn't take so much effort to hold it up but when I do it feels like I'm trying move through wet cement."
The target wasn't far away compared to what he knew Raven could hit and more aptly not a single arrow near had hit the target. "I want one shot tonight. That's all I'm after." His fingers clanged at the joints spasming a bit when he tried to pick anything up with them before settling back into place. It had to hurt the most that it was his left hand that he'd lost. It was hard to steady a bow with a hand you could barely control.
"It's getting easier. Not by a lot but it is." True, he could pull back the bowstring now unlike the first time Flynn had caught him out practicing.
He ends up sitting there out on the field watching Raven try to hit they either didn't go anywhere or were wide, but it was progress. Actual progress. After fifteen minutes of attempting though he looked winded and took a seat next to him on the grass. "Do you regret it?"
"I regret a lot, but this- this is easy in comparison. 'Sides what was I supposed to do? Sit around and do nothing?"
It's silent for a time before he speaks up again, "Any idea what the next move is?"
He runs his hand through his hair, hair he's actually needed to cut because it's started growing abnormally fast, with a lumbering groan, "I'm stuck between two terrible options that are guaranteed to get at least a few people killed if we're lucky."
Raven grunts, "Send a small group ahead and hope they succeed or force your way through as a whole?"
"Yup. It sucks." Major understatement right there.
"What you need now is speed. Gather who ya can and head to Zaphias through the woods. Don't go wasting time taking a Hold that won't mean anything if you can reclaim the capital once inside."
He knows that but still… "Don't get soft now. Right now Alexei is squeezing the life out Estelle is like a lemon along with anyone from Zaphias that was unfortunate enough to get stuck there. You need to organize and leave with the best group you can."
"We'll set out the day after tomorrow. We need to prepare first." He brushes the grass of his pants and offers a hand that Raven takes gladly. "If Yuri gets here and I'm gone will you tell him we went on ahead."
"Ya think I'm gonna hang back while you take all the glory kid?" Flynn raised a brow, "Cuz, you're right. I cannot shoot for shit right now." They burst out laughing and it's a good laugh. The first in a long time.
Flynn heads back and decides Sodia is right. He needs sleep especially with what he needs to get ready for. They're going to fix this. They're going to rescue Zaphias.
They didn't mention it as they got further into the Zopheir struggling against the cold and when they absolutely had to huddle against each other at night in an outcrop praying they'd stay warm, but Yuri's speech was getting gradually more incoherent. It wasn't just slipping into Geraios- no, it was something worse- words just seemed to be slipping out of his mind and there was a fear he wasn't noticing. That Yuri's brain wasn't catching the little gaps that slipped in his speech where he seemed to skip words or struggle for one before landing on a simple synonym.
It's not like Yuri used complex language in the first place but it was easy to notice when he was trying to say a word and then would just go "bad". He didn't seem to be listening, but they were afraid to bring it up. Afraid to remind Yuri what was happening to him as they walked further in with Rita trading off between Karol and Judith to be carried on their backs.
Then they noticed the monster drifting below the ice that started breaking and changing their path. A notable fear that they need to hurry before they got trapped sat in the guts of everyone as Rita cast fireballs for warmth.
He did know though. He just didn't want to say because if he said that he was having trouble remembering how to say his name Yuri actually thought that he might crack and have a breakdown. A real breakdown. Why the fuck was he having trouble remembering how to say his name? It wasn't even just saying when he tried to run through his thoughts in his head the words and letters got all jumbled and stuck and he ended up saying something stupid and it was only when someone called for him that the sound snapped back to place in his head.
You can't take his name! This thing can't do that! He remembered things. His memories and the images in them were clear but when he tried to put words to some of those things- when he saw his reflection- when- when people started talking to him suddenly it seemed his brain froze up and forgot everything. It slushed out his brain leaving him empty and desperate to scoop some of it back in as he reminded himself.
His name is
Yuri.
He's Yuri Lowell. He- he is going to let his brain turn to fucking mush on him. No! He's not! He's better and stronger than this!
How the fuck has being tortured and watching his body destroy itself easier for him to manage than something as simple as missing words? What because words are something everyone uses and if he can't talk in any capacity if he starts losing a way to think of anything he's going to lose higher function? That even the minor definitions he has in his episodes where he gives things titles based on minor descriptions and function will fade away leaving him just growling at everything? That everything in his life will lose meaning and he'll be a husk of a being that can't even wish to die?
Yes, exactly. Hit the nail right on the head!
Congratulations! Want a sticker? Yes? Too fucking bad this is an inner monologue and life is full of disappointments so get used to it.
As they reach a point of actual solid earth it seems like they'll be safe and then Yuri sees the aer krene and he tried not to think about how hungry he is. How nice it would be to have just a little. Just keep moving. Hurry and keep moving was the plan.
Of course, things went to hell rather quickly when suddenly the krene lit up like a lux blastia and the monster jumped out of the water.
happy holidays