Sorry for the wait, but I had to get married and go on my honeymoon, haha. Hope you enjoy the next bit, more development and filler, no sex this time.
I try sleeping but it's really no good. My mind just won't shut up and it's not that nice kind of constant thoughts of Maka it's those dark kinds like before I confronted her about the damn packing. My body is screaming because it's tired, my eyeballs starting to feel like dried cotton. I look at the clock - 4 AM - then back at Maka, her perfectly little form curled up next to mine, her hand still touching my shoulder. That selfish part of me wants to wake her, talk until maybe my head clears up, but I'm not even sure what in my head needs clearing.
We fucked. It's what I wanted. It's what she says wanted. But now I'm… what? I'm definitely not over it like I've lost the feelings I have or anything. Instead, it's the opposite. Like that dial is turned all the way up and I'm feeling for the both of us and then some. In my head, before it happened, I was cool. Sex would be cool. It'd be like her blowjobs and all the other stuff. But she was vulnerable, she showed me a side of her that no one else got to see or might never see again, just me, only me.
I'm stuck in that thought for what seems like an eternity but when I look at the clock again it's only 4:30. That's it, I give up. I wish I could give her that picture-perfect morning where we both wake up, smiling into each other's sleepy faces but if I lay in this bed for another second I'll burst and she doesn't deserve her own sleep intruded upon. I move as slow as possible, knowing she could just wake up from my motion, but finding that Maka apparently couldn't be woken for doomsday, her breathing not even changing as I slink out of bed and into the hallway to the kitchen.
It's coffee first, hoping that'll make this even minutely more bearable. That first sip of hot, black liquid is enough to give me the momentum to move to the couch. I wish I could turn on some jazz, maybe half float into sleep on the couch, but again I'd be risking Maka's sleep so I opt for the TV practically muted at two with the subtitles on. I'm really just watching the faces move across the screen, trying to keep my brain active enough that it doesn't circle back to my feelings.
And what about Maka's? She's fitfully asleep - didn't even have a problem falling asleep, just went from talking softly into my arm to snoozing in a minute flat. Was sex no big deal for her? It can't be, especially with all the body stuff and she agreed it was important. But she just let it all roll off her and now she's sleeping like a baby. Oh, fuck.
I take another gulp of coffee and try to find relief on another channel. Nothing, nothing, nothing, especially at 5 AM (thankfully time is passing). Any noise in the apartment has me jumping, hoping that it's Maka shuffling out of the bedroom to check on me but, nope, nada, nothing. Three cups of coffee and eight rounds of infomercials later and I've made it to 7 AM. Still no stirring from her, but I think I've actually started to form a plan. I pick up the phone, dialing.
"Hello?" Kid answers as if he's also been awake for hours but didn't need four cups of coffee.
"Hey, I know this isn't even possible but is Liz awake?"
Predictably, Kid scoffs at the other end of the line. "You know what time it is, right?"
"Yeah…" I sigh. I know I should have waited but this day has me all messed up. "Can you wake her for me?"
"So, you're trying to have me murdered?"
I give the best laugh I can with this amount of sleep. "Okay, how about we meet in the middle and I tell you the plan and you make sure the girls are up to it?"
Kid gives an anguished sigh, "I'm listening…"
I give every last detail of my master plan hatched from my half functioning brain. I'm actually glad that this is a conversation with Kid since he's giving his more than constructive criticism left and right, ironing out kinks that the coffee didn't fix. It actually seems to work by the time we're finished and I hang up, leaving him with the responsibility of getting the Thompson sisters in gear.
Next is Tsubaki, since Black Star doesn't schedule his own appearances. The call with her is even quicker since my plan is already solid. By the time I'm off the phone it's 7:30 AM, which is usually Maka's wake-up time, no alarms needed. With this in mind, I force myself up, going back to the kitchen to start another round of coffee and whipping whatever we have in the apartment up for breakfast. I'm done with the pancake batter and the toppings by the time she's padding from the bedroom to the kitchen.
It's the best feeling in the world when she sneaks up behind me, wrapping her arms around me to clutch my chest. "Good morning," she whispers into my back.
Oh, man, I'm fucking melting, and I'm all stuttery and discombobulated like a preteen at a school dance. "Hey," and I'm half sure my voice cracks. She doesn't seem to notice and spends a few more seconds nuzzling into my back. "I've got pancakes and coffee if you want them."
"Yes, please." She gives me one more squeeze and then detaches, wandering back down the hallway and disappearing into the bathroom.
By the time I'm arranging two pancakes and fresh fruit on a plate, I hear her scrape the chair against the floor, depositing herself at the table. I turn, placing my fumbling creation in front of her. Maka's grinning like a kid, her hands clasped together as if she's about to squeal with joy and I swear she does under her breath just for a second before composing herself. I retreat for the coffee and when I come back she's still mesmerized, looking from me to the plate. "Don't be so excited. You haven't tasted it yet."
She just about snatches her coffee from me and takes a deep whiff before bringing it slowly to her mouth, taking the tiniest sip to test it. I get that commercial approval "ah" before I disappear back into the kitchen to recover myself, too overloaded with just the way she is. I know that this is Maka, this every day, every morning Maka. She always takes the first sip of her coffee like that but today it's making my heart hammer in my chest and I just want to grab that coffee cup out of her hand and kiss her like I haven't seen her in weeks. I try to think about my pancakes in the pan, try to keep rated G, level and steady thoughts, but I'm almost sure I need to tap out.
"Hurry up!" She sounds pleasant but persistent.
With my plate and a new cup of coffee in hand, I make my way back to the table, sitting across from her. She doesn't pick up her fork until I'm sitting, but I almost don't have the will to use mine, no sleep stealing my hunger away from me. I settle on that fourth (fifth? they're blending together) cup of coffee and sip as she, well, she shovels the pancakes into her mouth. Thank goodness for that, because her insanity breaks a little of the anxiety in me, getting a good laugh out of my chest. Maka doesn't even acknowledge since eating isn't a crime as far as she's concerned, eliciting another snort from me.
I manage to get a few mouthfuls of the pancake before the phone rings. Perfect timing, Liz, as long as that's hopefully you. I point to my mouth and Maka gets the message, getting up and answering the phone. "Oh, hi, Liz. It's early for you, isn't it?" There's a long pause, Liz being a born storyteller. "Hold on a second." Maka slips a hand over the receiver.
"What's going on?" I try for another bite of pancake but I'm not sure I can chew through the stress, it feeling like sand in my mouth.
"Well, I guess the girls want to go out today. Bonding?" Maka looks skeptical but sighs. "Are we…?"
"Breakfast was as far as I got today. Go do girl bonding, or whatever." Play. It. Cool. Soul. I'm trying but what's left of the pancake is choking me, punishment for talking with my mouth full, and Maka doesn't look one hundred percent convinced like I thought she would.
She takes one more second before uncovering the phone. "Yeah, I'll be there. I'll leave in thirty? OK. Bye." Maka hangs up but hovers over the phone for a second. "I guess that's nice."
I shrug, "You're popular."
"I guess." She walks over and smoothes the hair back from my forehead, planting a kiss there. "Thank you for breakfast."
"Yeah, any time." I don't let her get away that easily, lightly grasping her chin, pulling her down to get her lips to mine. She tastes like syrup and strawberries, way better than the pancakes on my plate.
"You make me want to be late," she laughs.
"Go," I groan, giving her a gentle push on the hip. I watch her leave and then start clearing the dishes, undoing the mess I made. I'm heading into dangerous toddler territory because I just can't seem to vibe with all these wants. I want her to stay. I want her to go. I want her to stop all this cute shit but I literally don't think I can live without it if she does. I'll die, really, I will. "What is this?" I complain into the bubbles before I rinse the last dish.
"Ok…" Maka elongates the O as she pops her head into the kitchen. "I guess I'm leaving."
"Ok," just the short answer from me. Our eyes lock and I don't know what to do, but I know what I want to do. Okay, big want, let's go. "Come here, before you go." I dry my hands on the rag over my shoulder as steps the rest of the way into the room. When she's close enough, I grab her around the waist because I just want to, need to, feel her curves against me. I get a little gasp in reply and get a second one as I'm taking my second taste of berry off her lips. "Have a good time," I breathe across her lips.
"Yeah," she manages to stutter out, her hand coming to my chest, pushing herself free. Her face is on fire but she's smiling. She tortures me with her teeth biting her lower lip before turning and disappearing from the doorway.
"Oh, fuck," I whisper to the room. Ok, Soul, now's the time to get your shit together. You sent her off and she fell for it, so meditate or some shit and get it together. That last part booms in my head, leaving me to clutch the sink, staring at the bubbles starting to dissipate in the drain. This helps, watching that slow popping, maybe like counting sheep or something, and I'm starting to think I could really get myself in shape today if-
It's the doorbell.
I'm there in a second, ready to let Maka back in, ready to forget about wanting to be alone for the day, but it's not Maka.
"Yo," Black Star gives a half-wave, seeming bored with it already.
"You're supposed to be at home, on pain of death." I grabbed his lazy, bored face into a headlock, pulling him through the door. "Why the hell are you here?"
Black Star stomps on my foot but I'm not letting up. "Tsubaki sent me. She said I can't be trusted by myself."
I give his neck one more twist before relinquishing. "She's not wrong."
"And Liz and Patty said I don't get out enough," Kid's voice comes from behind and I turn just in time to see him closing the door.
"So I get rid of all the girls and I just get all the boys? That's some luck." I shrug at Kid, hitching a thumb over in Black Star's direction, "And you couldn't just spend time with him? Why am I included?"
"It seemed weird that you wanted everyone gone. Like you were up to something."
"Yeah, up to something," Black Star echoed.
"I suppose you could say it piqued our interest." Kid walks past me, pulling Black Star into the living room. I have no choice but to follow them, watching as each takes a spot on the couch, Kid sitting like an English gentleman while knucklehead throws himself with reckless abandon, making me fear for the springs.
"What were you plannin' anyway? Another round of private pocket pool?" Black Star wriggles his eyebrows.
Why do I tell my friends anything? Not that I told that whole story, just the part where Maka walked in, but you can be sure the boys have filled in the blanks on their own. "Shut up, at least I get some." I crash next to Black Star on the couch.
"I'll have you know, Tsubaki lets me get to first and a half base."
"First and a half…?" I flick his ear, shooting an incredulous look at Kid. Kid shrugs and I doubt he's following, but I'm pretty sure at this point. "You mean you creep on her in the bath."
"Exactly!"
Another ear flick and Black Star is using his feet to try to push me out of range.
"Disgusting," Kidd sighs, leaning back to try to get out of range of both of us.
"But what is up with you? Why the lonesome act?" Black Star stops his end of the commotion.
"Ah, it's nothing," I try but that doesn't seem to convince either of them. I'm not exactly ready to kiss and tell, especially something so big like this, so I sit there just flicking between their stares for a while.
Faithful 'ole Black Star is the first one to throw up his hands. "Fine, whatever, dude. Just get ready, I'm gonna beat your ass." He stands and walks over to the TV, flipping it on and turning on the gaming system. It's a relief to see Kid take the controller and all three of us dig into the game. It feels like an endless free for all with Black Star bickering at each loss. I can tell they're still not exactly letting me off the hook, especially with all the side glancing, but they both let me try to avoid the conversation for a while.
We're halfway through what feels like the eightieth match when Kid finally clears his throat. "How're things with Maka?"
"Great." I feel like this sounds convincing because, at the root of it all, we are great, but it's me. "I just…" I clear my throat and find them both looking at me, making my mouth dry up.
"Are you breaking up with her?" Black Star is instantly shouting and almost breathing in my mouth, his face so close to mine.
"No!" I smash a hand into his face, pushing him back to his side of the couch.
"The opposite?" Kid's much more restrained.
"Yeah," I laugh weakly and let my controller fall into my lap. "I just, we can't break up, you know? I can't do that."
"So, she broke up with you, then?" Black Star muffles from behind my hand.
"No!" I pull my hand away, but not before adding a flick to his forehead.
"The opposite?" Kid sounds like a broken record but he's right.
"I think so, I hope so. We're… I think we're closer than before. It's moving forward but…"
Kid nods like this is some pedestrian shit to him, "You're afraid there's an endpoint."
Black Star clicks his tongue at me, rolling his eyes. "So you're freaking out over something that's not even happening?"
"You don't get it," I sigh.
"Fine, then, does Maka get it? What did she say when you talked to her?"
"I, uh, well…"
"You didn't speak to her first?" Kid looks incredulous as if he knows the social intricacies of relationships like the back of his hand.
"Today I was supposed to figure it out by myself and then talk to her but you dummies had to invite yourself over. So now you're part of my figuring." Regardless of this sounding like a fine explanation to me, both of them are staring at me like I'm the idiot in the room.
"Well, you love her or whatever, so just tell her that and I'm sure she won't go anywhere. Girls love that shit." Black Star seemed to be losing interest, examining his nails and then punctuating his comment with a yawn.
"I hate to say I agree, but…" Kid shrugged.
"I love her." Those were the weirdest words in the world. It wasn't a lot, but I'd said them to my mom, my dad, my brother, whatever, but never to someone who didn't have something to do with raising me. And even then it was sparingly, like it was a Christmas or Easter kind of word, for special occasions only. Was that just some simple key to all this shit in my brain? "I love Maka." I tried it again, turning the words. Yeah, OK, it felt a little better, like burping out a bunch of emotional gas.
Black Star huffs exasperatedly, going back to the game and restarting. "Yeah, dummy, like everyone knows."
I was feeling too good to give in to the urge to pop him one for that. I left my controller in my lap, but Kid picked up and kept the maylay going. I'm leaning back, actually feeling the sleep starting to tug at me, some kind of relief from talking to these guys setting me free.
Kid gives me another look, probably seeing I'm about to fade out, and smiles. "If it's any help, I think she feels the same way. You can't see it, but her soul, it's like she left some of it with you, like a spark to keep you warm while she was away."
"Yeah, that's something Maka would do." I rest my hand on my chest and it's almost like I can feel it there, that warmth, maybe from her or maybe my own heart just knowing that there's love there. It's new, it's different, it's still fucking scary and I'm not sure that I can handle myself and my worry for it, but at least now I know it's there. I want her to know it's there. I'm drifting off now, regardless of the coffee, and it almost feels good. The sun, the boys cursing under their breaths, the spark Maka left behind. It all feels good.
I come home to probably the weirdest sight yet. Black Star and Soul passed out on the couch while Kid dawdles at a game that was obviously meant to be multiplayer. I can't even raise an eyebrow before Kid is excusing himself and dragging a half-asleep Black Star out of the apartment. Today has been too strange, and I know it's all Soul's doing, but I can't necessarily figure out why.
Don't get me wrong, being out with the girls was great, most of the day at the spa, some drinking, some eating, but mostly shop-talk of how to deal with those knuckleheads. I tried to dance around the subject of having sex, but with Liz and Pattie there's never any secrecy and they'll practically start water torture if you aren't forthcoming. Tsubaki was gentle with her questions, but you could tell she wanted to know herself. But none of them were any help with the question: What's eating Soul?
I sit next to him on the couch, taking one last moment to look at his sleeping face, trying to figure out what Soul I'll get when he wakes up. He was so obviously nervous this morning, probably mostly because he had planned this outing behind my back. I really can't believe he would think I wouldn't realize it, so it had to be important to have me gone. But it was also… I don't know, like middle-school nervous. Like he was trying to ask me out for the first time. He just seemed all over the place; even his energy was weird.
Maybe he didn't like the sex, a thought that definitely stung as it drifted around my head. Was he regretting things? Wanting to change things? I felt like I left a piece of myself with him today, hoping that it would somehow mend whatever had broken the night before but who knows. I reached my hand out and smooth some of the hair from his face.
Those red orbs are slow to open, but they do, and he smiles, "Welcome home."
My own worry spurs my words, "I missed you today."
"Me, too." He pushes himself into me, sprawling me back on the couch, his head resting on my chest so I couldn't see his face.
He murmurs something, and I'm sure he's said, I love boobs and I almost laugh. He must still be half asleep, so tired from what? Did he not sleep last night? Am I a bad co-sleeper? "You seem awful sleepy today."
His head pops up, turning to me with his eyebrows knitted. "That's it?"
"What?" I shrugged, thinking maybe he was half-dreaming.
"Did you hear me?"
"You mean when you said, 'I love boobs'? I didn't think that required an answer."
He blinks a few times and then breaks into a fit of laughter, practically having to clear tears from his eyes. "Maka," he struggles through a few more laughs before finally taking a deep breath. "I said, 'I love you.'"
"Oh," I could feel the color warming my cheeks. "I love you, too, Soul." It wasn't hard to say, not even really embarrassing, and maybe overdue. It didn't seem like there was a time when I didn't love him in some way.
"You're sure?"
"Is this what last night was about?"
Soul looks away, a long sigh lingering over his lips and onto my skin. It feels warm and lonely all at the same time. "I've never, ever had these feelings before. I almost… I felt like I didn't know what they were, or how to control them. I love you, but with that comes a fear that it's just me. That no matter how strong it is for me, it won't be the same for you."
I slide my fingers through his hair, loving the way he leans into my touch. "How do we get through every fight? How do you always stay positive then?"
"Huh?" He's almost half lost in my touch and the sleepiness.
"You're always the one telling me we're going to win. You never seem to think anyone's going to beat us in battle, right? How do you do that?"
"Because it's us. Because we're fighting together."
I sink a little underneath him and he obliges, allowing me a better angle to plant my lips against his, trying to make my words sink in. "So that's it, Soul. It's us, together. Don't think about losing because it's not just you in this. I'm here, too."
"Good." He puts his hand in my hair so he could pull me forward and kissed me like he did the first time, with that urgency and almost something to prove. That kiss almost makes me forgive him for telling Black Star about the 'I love boobs' thing which is now a constant, over-played, tired joke between those two assholes.