Hey friends! Chapter 13 is here along with some new art – which you can check out on my Tumblr: livinginwriterland. I hope you enjoy both. I'm about to head out on some international travel for the month of April, so, it might be awhile until the next update. But I'll be back to writing you some more angst and drama with sprinkles of sweetness before you know it. :) Thanks for reading and for all of the love and reviews y'all have been showing this story each week.
Forty eight hours of (mostly) bliss hadn't been long enough. But two days filled with nothing and no one but Jordan and Jay had been exactly what Hailey had needed.
They'd had waffles for breakfast both days, with whipped cream and sprinkles per Jordan's request. They'd made a blanket fort in the living room out of all of the blankets and pillows they owned, and Jordan had even talked Hailey into letting them sleep inside of it that first night. They'd played board games like Sorry, Connect Four, and Monopoly — though Hailey had been forced to come up with creative answers to Jordan's question of why she didn't have to be at school, or she and Jay work, each time they played the game of Life. Alas, it had been forty eight hours of fun, laughter, minimal pain, and maximum avoidance of what was actually going in on in their lives. Despite knowing she had no other choice but to, Hailey didn't want to face reality.
On the eve of second day, not long after Hailey'd received a call from Will letting her know that Jordan's test results were in, Jay had gone home to give her and Jordan some time alone. Tomorrow, he'd return to pick them up, and they'd all go to the hospital together.
Hailey'd used the first part of that time to hold Jordan on the couch while watching Lilo & Stitch — Jordan's favorite movie. The other half of that time? She'd struggled to kinda sorta attempt to explain what was going to happen the following day.
First, she'd turned to face Jordan on the couch, sitting crosslegged, and had waited for her nine year old to follow suit and do the same. Once she had, Hailey'd tucked a few loose strands of blonde waves behind Jordan's ear before taking one of her small hands in her own as she started to explain. "Tomorrow morning we have to go back to the hospital—"
"To see Dr. Manning and Dr. Halstead?" Jordan interrupted.
Hailey nodded, managing a soft but fleeting half-smile.
Jordan took a second to study the look on her mother's face, gauging her expression. This was it — the moment she'd been waiting for, the one where she could find out what was really going on, where she was essentially prompted to follow up with a "why" and have Hailey explain, even if whatever it was might break her, as Jordan predicted it might. Despite her mother's attempt at a smile, her forehead was wrinkled with sadness. Hurt. Maybe even a little confusion. Jordan's own expression matched the latter emotion as she asked after another beat of hesitation, "Why?"
The older blonde inhaled sharply and shifted in her seat, bracing herself. She momentarily dropped her gaze, indeed internally breaking while outwardly forcing herself to keep it together. "The doctor's found something the other day, after the car accident," Hailey explained, looking back up at Jordan then. She opened her mouth and closed it a few times before continuing, choosing her next words carefully. She only had so much information and didn't want to say the wrong thing, or scare Jordan any further than she probably already was. Plus, in reality, Hailey realized she probably shouldn't be saying anything. But leaving Jordan in the complete dark before walking her into a room of doctors and even more uncertainty didn't feel like the right move either. "It's called a tumor, and it's in your chest and making you sick," Hailey finished, waiting to see how that landed on her daughter before layering on anything else.
A long pause followed. Jordan looked down at her chest, as if whatever was inside there would suddenly become visible. Eventually, she looked back up at Hailey, her own features now scrunched. "I'm sick?" Jordan asked, then stated with a shake of her head, "But I don't feel sick."
Hailey nodded her own empathetically, blinking away threatening tears. "I know, sweetheart. It can be hard to understand, but there are certain sicknesses that… don't always make us feel sick right away. So we don't know that they're there at first. But, now that we know about yours, tomorrow, we're going to talk to Dr. Halstead and Dr. Manning a few of their friends so that we can learn how to make you better."
Jordan leaned the side of her body into the cushions of the couch and exhaled a heavy sigh. Hailey was right; it was hard to understand. It didn't make sense that she was so sick that she needed multiple doctors and a hospital, yet she didn't feel sick at all. And unless it was bad, it didn't make sense why her mother seemed so upset over it. Hailey never reacted this way when she had a cold, or a fever, or the flu.
It came to her then — like a literal flicker of a light bulb in her head. She knew what she'd been seeing in her mother's eyes over the past couple days. It was fear. And for the first time since leaving the hospital, Jordan felt it too. Because Hailey never feared anything.
"The tumor… is what's wrong with me…" Jordan thought aloud, still processing. Stating it as a fact as opposed to a question. The word 'tumor' sounded like a foreign word leaving her lips. Both her mind and heart felt like they were bracing. Silently, she took a deep breath.
Also in silence, Hailey waited, simply watching as Jordan dropped her gaze to her lap, curious to see if she'd add anything more.
"Okay," she eventually settled on, concluding that thought. By then, new thoughts had surfaced. She ended up looking back up at Hailey as she asked her next question. "We?" She said, then briefly paused to replay Hailey's words in her head. Tomorrow, we're going to talk to Dr. Halstead and Dr. Manning a few of their friends so that we can learn how to make you better. "We like… you and me?"
Hailey didn't have to think twice to know what her daughter was hinting at. She tilted her head to the side and leaned towards her a bit. "Jay wanted to come too, if that's okay?"
Jordan nodded, but there was a bit of unexpected hesitance to her tone as she answered, "It's okay."
When she immediately looked off to the side after speaking, Hailey frowned on instinct. "But?"
Jordan tilted her head to the side then, much like Hailey. "Is Jay your boyfriend now?"
Immediately, Hailey inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She'd been anticipating a question like this, and was only really surprised that they'd managed to make it another 36-ish hours after Jordan had witnessed them kiss the first time before she'd asked. However, if Hailey was being totally honest, with both Jordan and herself, she wasn't fully certain how to answer.
She and Jay hadn't exactly put a direct label on what they were – but they loved each other. They were very much in love with each other, and both of them were very well aware of that fact. So… yeah – they were now dating. They were now… boyfriend and girlfriend, as cliche and high school as even thinking that sounded. Right?
A small smile crept its way onto Hailey's face then as she turned the idea and the words over in her head again.
Yeah, she liked the idea and the sound of Jay being her boyfriend.
With a simple shrug of her left shoulder, Hailey's eyes found Jordan's again as she said, "Yeah, I guess so. Is that okay?"
Hailey held her breath as Jordan took a moment to ponder her answer.
Jordan loved Jay. She knew he liked – loved – her mom. Hell, she'd practically given him the last little push he'd needed towards confessing the fact that he did. But… also, on Jordan's end, there was a little more to it than just that. And what was currently filing her head was so challenging to articulate through words and explain, but she tried.
Squirming in her spot on the couch, Jordan moved so that she was sitting in Hailey's lap rather than facing her. The older blonde wrapped her arms around her daughter, ducking her head to press a kiss into her hair as she situated herself.
"It's okay," she repeated. "But it's kind of weird," Jordan confessed after another beat, staring absently at whatever was in the distance on the opposite side of the room. "Like… for a lot of years, it's always been just you and me."
Hailey wasn't sure why it suddenly felt like the wind had gotten knocked out of her, but it did.
It's always been just you and me.
Those words spoken in Jordan's little voice broke her heart in a way that almost didn't make sense.
Sure, it had always been just them. But that wasn't ever how things were supposed to be – on a couple occasions, even.
Hailey had planned for so many different things in her life; so many things that hadn't worked out the way that she'd wanted them to that after Garrett died, she'd simply… stopped planning. Stopped trying to 'have it all', whatever that meant anyway. She'd just focused on surviving. On giving her child a childhood that was the polar opposite of the one she'd had. On raising her child to be strong and independent. To not need anyone. To be… bulletproof, like she'd had to be. Whether or not she'd made the right choice — the right choices over the years? That was still, to some extent, to be determined.
Choosing to not date was a purposeful choice Hailey had actively made after Garrett. Jordan had been so small at the time, her memories of him were few and far between, some more permanent than others. Overall though, she had healed from his absence, and putting her through more potential loss – no matter what kind – was something Hailey swore she'd never do.
But she didn't have that much control over her life, now did she?
"You're right," Hailey acknowledged, validating Jordan's perspective. "It is kind of weird, huh?"
"But a good weird," Jordan cut in, tilting her head upwards to catch Hailey's glance. Hints of a smile were on her face now.
Hailey could only nod in agreement.
As Jordan's mind continued to wander, the look on her face reflected as much.
"What else is going on up there?" Hailey asked, leaning forward to press a kiss to Jordan's forehead. Her tiny human shook her head in response.
"Nothing," she lied, her guarded response automatic. Much like Hailey's often were. Off said blonde's pointed look, Jordan adjusted. "I just… don't think I want to talk about it yet."
Hailey frowned. She wanted to pry, but respected her honesty. Jordan would talk when she was ready; she always did. "Okay," she told her, pushing her hair back from her face before pressing a second kiss to her forehead, letting her lips linger there.
A little abruptly, her nine year old was the one who initiated the break in contact first, slinking her way out from under Hailey's arms until she was standing before her in front of the couch. "I'm gonna go play in my room until I have to go to sleep," Jordan told her.
She stood there for a moment while Hailey stared on longingly, as if waiting for an invitation to join her. When she didn't get one, she simply nodded, watching as Jordan turned and walked off. Little did she know, Jordan's mind was still churning; running on overdrive with information.
Whatever was wrong with her was present in her mind but pushed to the back burner, for ever since she saw Jay and her mother kiss, there was one thing she couldn't shake from the forefront of her brain.
Other than Garrett, Hailey had never brought another person she was interested in in that way home before.
Other than Garrett, Hailey had never kissed anyone else — at least to Jordan's knowledge.
Other than Garrett, Jordan didn't know what it was like to have someone else who was like her mom, who lived with her mom, but who was not her mom, to love and care for her.
And ever since Garrett had died, there was one thing she couldn't help but wonder: what it might be like to have two parents.
Or, even more than that.
What it might be like to have a dad.