Ch 23X: Fourth-Wall Frailties and Flaws of a Human Being

[Warning: This is a non-traditional chapter...it's my way to be completely honest with the tumultuous nature of what's been going on with me, revealing my soul so-to-speak. I feel this may assist me and give you all a clear understanding of what's truly stalled my fic.]

"Tragedy begets tragedy".

He heard this phrase before, maybe in some book from college, but couldn't totally remember. All he could feel and sense was that the inherent nature of the universe was tragedy...an endless joke that he not only takes part of and contributes to, but that he himself, was just as vulnerable to it as every being and object in the known universe, maybe even multiverse if quantum physicists were right.

"Cosmic fuckery...he was right," the weary young man, the author thought as he looked blankly at the laptop screen with the bare Word Document file, thinking back to a phrase a dear, dear friend he confides and bonds with said.

"Chapter 22...I just...fuck, even the thought of looking at my own fic...never again...," he mumbled with a scarred, forlorn aura to his tone. It was bitter, heartbroken, bereft of any will to want to continue the labor of love he had worked so hard on over the year 2017. Based on a quaint, fun and laidback Nickelodeon cartoon, he somehow or another found a series niche in testing his writing skills and wanting to tell a fan's take on their version of such a cartoon universe.

It was his real first venture and experiment into writing, his first major attempt at M rated lewd and reality in fiction, even if he took his "Hollywood-esque artistic liberties" in writing certain sequences. Never once did he try to half ass his style or work, even if there was mixed reactions, even to the political crap.

But that's not what wore him down, not entirely.

He remembered the surge of emotions that filled his very soul and being when he posted this:

"Salutations all,

My apologizes for the late chapter. Life has been hectic.

Alas, I have some disappointing news. I will be putting this fic on hiatus until further notice. I am losing steam for writing this, and it takes way too much of my personal time with no material returns beyond your wonderful responses I look forward too. Unfortunately I make squat in writing this, and it's a labor of love, but that labor is becoming too much time with no economical returns. I may be posting a new chapter every few months, so hopefully that will be the new trend as opposed to me cutting cold turkey. In the mean time, there are many many wonderful fics on here I would recommend in LH, the ones I have in my favs, and many many others in other toons besides Loud House. I'm taking an indefinite break. I'm sorry for leaving you on a cliff hanger again. It sucks having all the story events logged in one's mind but not having the energy or wherewithal to write it down. That being said, I'm shifting gears and working on my own personal novel for the time being. It's a stretch, but any potential for making some money off my skills, I need to exploit. I'm nowhere near rich, more in the bottom 10% on the economic level, LOL, so this is a monetary decision.

I wish you all well, and hope for the best.

-TotCall720"

He felt bad for posting this...it only touched on a very minor angle as to why he was going down this road. As a matter of fact, this was only like 20%, maybe 30% of the reasoning; he was untruthful in his announcement.

His most recent announcement though...was just a smidge closer to the reality...just a smidge.

"I'm sorry everyone. I won't be able to continue FLRA anymore. It's over, at least for a long time till I get my emotional affairs in order. I wish you all well."

The craziest and most wild thing about these literary posts from the author was...this wasn't out of lack for return on investment, not totally. Sure he'd love to earn some money for this, sure he'd like to see more fanart of his huge fic that he invested large swaths of his personal time in...but the reasons for its stalling and coma, were so much more, dare he think...pathetic, pitiful...

Heartbreak...undeniable agonizingly concentrated pain at the very event on the day he posted his most recent hefty chapter, on of all days for such things as heartbreak to occur, Valentine's Day.

He sat in the passenger seat of his dad's car as he went in to grab a coffee. He, the author, was just messing with his phone, sending random texts to his friends, and one special friend he made months ago, a fan of his work.

Over the months since they were got into contact, the fan himself responding to a "thank you for faving" message the author liked to give to his readers, just so that he knew they knew he appreciated the little effort of staying with his precious work.

Cordial and fun, platonic in nature entirely at first, but over time after info was swapped and closer ties were formed, the author and the fan engaged informally and hung out online. Over time, gradually even more, to the point that certain revelations about one another came to the table. The author, as it seems, has a very, very Bi side, as does the fan...and lewd interactions of mature content unfolded, the author always being the one on top of course, though the fan having a rather...sadistic side in manipulating me lewdly and with fun and glee.

The wanky whimsical sex texting aside, the author grew to really enjoy the fan's time, thoughts and personality. At first, and from the very beginning, they both agreed that this would be just a matter of friends just having fun and playing with one another. "Friends With Benefits" as the term applied, as what we'd call our colloquial relationship.

And yet...

The author over time looked more and more forward to the little interactions with the fan, so much that he would confide with the fan plot ideas, directions, and eventually wanted to put an original character (OC) into the fic as a semi-cameo that would actually function in helping the plot and drive the character development he wanted to set the stage for the coming, rather drastic events that would come about for the Louds.

The laws of probability and neuron signaling though, would not be on the author's side. He himself had caused heartbreak with another fan, something he hated about himself, and continues to hate himself for...but this? He never knew what heartbreak was like, how Luan Loud must have felt, seeing Luna and Lincoln together, lost in the sexual deviancy of feeling pleasure to numb the pain of lonliness, implicit rejection and denial, fear at revealing her dark secrets, fear of throwing the entire dynamic out of wack.

The author slowly felt that he was becoming Luan...losing his grip with the basics of reality, subconsciously feeling and thinking...what would it be like to meet this fan in person? Hang out with him? Do lewd things with?

The thoughts kept slowly piling on day by day as minor dashing ideas of, "...could we be a thing?" crossed the author's mind.

Fondness and happiness...those feelings suddenly betrayed the author in ways he never really considered before.

He fell, and only realized it in the last, and most untimely moment, the worst of all possible moments...after all the assertions that he would just be friends with the fan in his head...it happened, and it broke him, like a stray support beam on a crane falling off and crushing right through the center of his body, smashing his body and splitting it into two in unholy gory fashion, but his nervous system still function...feeling the ungodly surge of hate, heartbreak, sadness, tears and violent vomiting course through his body.

It came from nowhere, but in that minor moment of reading a simple text... "I have a gf now"... he broke.

The fan fic broke.

Everything about him broke. He let it break, his mind, his very soul and being...and for odd reasons.

The instantaneous thought came to mind. The author doesn't feel comfortable in flirting and doing lewd things with the fan if he was in a current relationship. It would be to him, akin to cheating, and he would never want to risk a relationship...though this was a side issue. It jus boiled to the sides as a side thought to the woman. The author had no ill will towards her. For all he knew, the fan never told her about him. The author was nothing more than a now...a side thought to the new journey that the fan was going on.

Pushed to the side...just a side note...now not as important...side trimmings...someone who he could not ever have feelings for, as they were now, entrenched with someone else.

The author felt...stuff akin to the scenes of disaster movies, of extreme peril, of masses of people being killed at once from gigantic disasters.

The author's mind drifted to dark territories. He lives near a large bridge with a very, very far drop. He walked the bridge later that day on Valentine's Day, looking over the edge, wondering...wondering...

If a heart is broken, does breaking the rest of your body permanently help? Only if it stops the pain...pain of loss, loss of something that he only just realized he may have wanted, but also knew that would never come to be, ever, not in a million years. The fan may have been Bi as fuck and only liked to be pounded by guys, but...romantically he was attracted to women. Sexually, all over the place, and the author felt like he could easily satisfy that. Romantically...was another story.

And then, all while the author was trying to endure and deal with these emotions, came a different deluge, a deluge of...support, hope. If only the author wasn't cycling between the megatsunami of heartbreak, numbness, pain, crying, he would have realized the outpouring support and love from fans of his work was a godsend. It couldn't take away the pain, but...it did give a small little something, a warmth, that slowly but surely rekindled that cold hearted raging, hateful human being he internally became for awhile, the sort of person he was normally nothing like; he's a Leni Loud in personality!

He received support from the reviewers who were sad that he took out his pain on his fic. That was another monstrousity.

To some degree, he was being spiteful, to the fan, by denying any future entries to the fic, for the heartbreak. The OC they had painstakingly created was given the absolute boot in his mind; it would remind the author constantly of the man he crushed on so for.

To spite one fan you're heartbroken over while the rest of the readers and fans love and support the fic...only recently did the author come to his senses...admittedly after a morbidly intense three day period of have such an extreme number of sexual encounters in attempting to numb the pain...which didn't work at all, but he learned that he has an unholy stamina and control over the "happy ending."

No, what the author realized that...he did this to himself. The author, and only the author, is responsible for everything that transpired; the emotional reaction that was way too volatile and reactionary, which to be fair the author was not aware of having (for fear of actually have such a reaction he had no relationships at all in middle, high school and college, no dates, so he's ignorant and quite inexperienced in things like this). The author blocked the fan out of his life in spite, still fuelled with angry thoughts, but...at the end, after letting his heart and mind meld in periods of meditation, relaxation, and watching some of his movies that helped him feel better...Mary and Max, Groundhog Day, and a scene that really slapped his senses out, The Core...towards the end with Professor Zimsky stuck doing a final record before a nuclear blast wave in the core was heading towards his pod he was marooned in, before his pod was destroyed and him killed, doing a pseudo Carl Sagan like final narration (easier to get the info from IMDB:

Dr. Conrad Zimsky: [trapped in a compartment of Virgil with a nuclear bomb set to detonate; recording himself for posterity] For here, in the great unknowable, man can come to know the most important thing of all - himself. He can understand...

[trails off]

Dr. Conrad Zimsky: What the fuck am I doing?

[begins laughing hysterically; the nuclear bomb explodes]

That was me..."...what the fuck am I doing?"

Though mine wasn't so much a laugh, as much as thinking how much of a piece of shit and how like garbage I was acting towards everyone, fucking over my fans and readers of my fic over a bitter one sided development that the fan didn't even know was slowly transpiring in my mind which was entirely not his fault, fucking over the readers, making them believe that the future of FLRA was dark.

Speaking of dark, I know of the end of one of our powerhouse writers, my buddy, Captain Darko, one of my major inspirations for getting my feet wet in this genre.

Alas, I, and a few on this site, are in a rare breed of making a combination of extremely popular, gigantic, favorite, followed, and enjoyed fan fictions on the Fan Fiction website for Loud House, as many new up and coming fan fictions that are popping up with awesome story ideas.

I welcome all to investigate the free market of other Loud House fan fic, but, I wish to apologize to you all, and hope to be honest, as the author of this fic, I've been a real emotional shit head to you all...especially to one.

I only hope you all can forgive me and my net results of my irrational emotional roller coaster, especially to one.

And most of all, I hope you will all still stay and join me for the ride I want to continue with this work...especially for one.

I can no longer see this fic as just mine. Many, many people have helped and contributed to it, as you all may see from acknowledgements in the future. Some changes will be made PEB (Post-Emotional-Breakdown), and the narrative has changed slightly, but...this fic is important, not to just you all, or even to the fan. It's important to me. From the very beginning I wanted to tell a half decent story, and I think to some varying degrees I think I got at least a 5.1/10 on that, and if that's my highest rating, I'll be happy with that. I'm not a writer by trade after all, more of a Lisa in vocation.

Thusly...I ruminate...and thank you all for being with me and giving me a deluge of love and concern for me, and hope one day my heart will be repaired for one and not so worn and torn, and hope at least the special fan will still be my friend, if he wishes...I won't blame him or hold my breath after how I've been...but to the meat of this overblown, longwinded personal confession and exposition on this author's soul, as I felt I owe this to you all (and as a personal word of warning, be careful with falling for fans, XD)...I sit back down with my laptop open, listening to music to inspire me...dabble in my ideas...and...

"...right when the force field with the other remaining Loud family members got warped up above the roadway, Lynn and Lincoln were holding on for dear life to the cheese wheel sliding down full speed with a deluge of milk and sewage substances cascading all around them..."

"Tragedy may beget tragedy...but hope begets hope..."the author thought, as he listened to James Newton Howard's "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Track 11 - The Demiguise and The Occamy...minutes 1:18-and onwards...he really wants to do something fun with the sewer scene with Lynn and Lincoln, and he music is inspiring him...his fans are inspiring him...his dear friends he loves are inspiring him...the fan inspires him.