Men of the Sea

Chapter 9

"Kakashi, it's me. Shizune." "Yes, yes. Sakumo, he's the same." Or, in other words, he wasn't any worse than he was. He wasn't dead. "I think…" she began hesitantly. "I think you should come home." "Yes, I know that I said Sakumo is fine. But, Sakura…"

Sakura shifted in her bed. She pulled the covers as close to herself as she could.

'Swallow me up. Eat me whole. Make me disappear.'

"She needs you."

Sakura thought to herself that she didn't need anyone.

"Stay strong, Sakura."

'But Dad,' she thought to herself bitterly, 'You didn't stay strong, did you?'

"Sasuke Uchiha was here and he said some terrible, terrible things." Shizune continued over the phone. "Well," her voice lowered some, "He mentioned the potential root of her adoption. And he's also discovered Sakumo." She was silent for a moment. "He's gone now."

Sakura turned her head within her pillow and allowed for her hair to cover her face. She curled even further into herself.

Disappear.

Disappear.

Disappear, Sakura.

Sasuke's voice echoed within her head, "Sakura. WHY DON'T YOU JUST DISAPPEAR?"

Sakura wondered the same thing.

"Yes, I believe he was drunk."

Sakura mentally scoffed, 'Drunk was an understatement.'

"She's in bed. But...Just come home, Kakashi."

"Yes, I'll-" Kakashi must have interrupted her because she didn't finish her sentence. "I'll let her know. Thank you."

She heard Shizune hang up their house phone.

Her footsteps were soft as she walked to Sakura's room.

Sakura felt the dip of her bed where Shizune sat. A comforting hand began to rub her back. The pink-haired woman felt ridiculous. She wanted to shout at Shizune and ask her to leave her alone! But she didn't. She closed her eyes and mentally asked God to not ever let it end.

A tender comforting hand upon her body.

A maternal touch.

"Kakashi is cutting his trip short. He'll be here by tonight." 'Tonight? What time is it?' Sakura knew it was getting late. The orange warm hues bled through her slightly parted curtains. Was he taking the bullet train? A plane?

Shizune's hand left Sakura's back. Sakura immediately craved her touch once more. "Would you like some water?" Sakura managed to turn her head side to side as it remained on her pillow. "Alright. I'll...I'll make dinner. If you feel up to it, please come eat. Otherwise, there'll be food in the refrigerator."

Sakura nodded. She couldn't manage to speak. Her throat felt too raw. And too, the task of vocal communication required energy she didn't have.

Shizune patted her arm and left.

Sakura suddenly didn't want to be alone.

You'd think a girl would be used to it by now, huh?

She felt tears whelm within her eyes once more. Was it true? Was Sasuke telling her the truth? Did… Did Sakumo really look at her as a charity case? Was she truly a distraction for him since his wife left him? An upgrade from a therapy dog?

Sakura didn't remember anything before the age of 10. Her earliest memory was that of the orphanage. A bland and terrible place, as they often were. She was an easy person to bully. She was small and had naturally pink hair. Of course, she was a target for the already troubled youth that lived in that awful space.

"Swallow me up. Eat me whole. Make me disappear." She would pray to God. Scraped, bruised, and bloodied, she felt like it was the easiest way out.

Disappear.

"Sakura. WHY DON'T YOU JUST DISAPPEAR?"

After months had gone by, she was brought to one of the staff member's offices. She thought she was getting in trouble. For what? She wasn't sure. But it was always a possibility. The punishment was meant to be given for wrongdoings. If the actual culprit was brought to justice didn't really matter to the staff members. At the end of the day, it was about making an example out of someone.

"Sakura Haruno." A woman whose face she now can't remember addressed her.

"Hai," she responded solemnly.

She hadn't even been hit yet and her hand already throbbed.

"Someone is interested in adopting you."

Adoption?

Who?

Her?

Wasn't she here to be punished?

It didn't feel real.

The sound of approaching footsteps thrummed in her ears. Like the beat of a drum. Like her heart.

"Sakura…"

She looked upwards. Her first encounter with Sakumo was that of a man with a sweet smile. He looked friendly.

And incredibly sad.

"From this day on, I'd like for you to be my daughter. Is that alright with you?"

'Was it alright with her? Of course, it was fine with her.' He was a strange person, even back then.

Though, for all of his strange tendencies, he was kind and reliable. He was always supportive. Always caring. Always smiling.

By now she understood he was depressed. As she always suspected. But he never allowed for her to worry.

She blinks back her tears. She was tired of crying. Tired of being a victim.

Disappear.

"Swallow me up."

"Eat me whole."

"Make me disappear."

Kakashi's POV

Dark eyes scanned the pages of his notebook. He had written detailed notes of all the delicious food he had tried thus far while visiting Kyoto. The book he was currently working on had a refined Chef as the protagonist.

And as a result...

Kakashi wanted to understand food, understand their texture and tastes and origins. And also, he meant to interview a few well-known restaurant owners and Chefs within Kyoto. The intention was so that he could get into the head and mindset of a true Chef. How important to them was their craft? What were the common personality traits? What were their backstories? How did they get to where they are now?

However, this aspect of his trip was cut short thanks to the incident involving Sakura.

He closed his notebook and stared out of the window.

The scenery was beautiful and fleeting. As consequence of the 200 mph speed of the bullet train. Even so, to him, the train seemed to move at leisure. Sakura was waiting for him. Shizune said that Sakura needed him.

And if he were being honest, Sakura probably needed him for quite some time now.

It was his own selfishness that made him hesitate.

He didn't want to involve himself with her. At first, he saw her as proof or as a painful physical manifestation of his father's pain. With his mother leaving them, he'd stopped smiling, he'd stop talking. He simply sat, his eyes unseeing, his heartbroken.

Sakura became a part of their lives only because his father was heartbroken.

Fugaku tried to snap him out of it. Recommended therapy, offered vacations, trips to his personal villas. He mentioned acupuncture, aromatherapy, dating, anything, and everything to help his best friend.

His father didn't bite.

Kakashi was beginning middle school when his mother left. It was years later until his father began to become a little more alive. Upon occasion he would talk to Kakashi, he began to be active around the house, on rare occasions he took Kakashi to the bookstore, little things.

But he still wasn't the same. Kakashi doubted he'd ever revert back to how he was before.

At the beginning of high school, Kakashi settled this terrible truth within himself. He accepted this dispirited variant of his father.

But the truth of the matter was, he resented his parents.

Both of them.

His mother left him. She didn't even say goodbye. And his father, so distraught, so broken by her departure, fell apart. He cracked. He never saw anything like it. One day, his father was just...there. But also, he wasn't. It was as if he were living with a ghost. There were some days he had to spoon-feed Sakumo. He wouldn't eat on his own. He would go days, YEARS, staring at the front door from the sitting room. Waiting and hoping his mother would return.

And suddenly, one day, his father came to his room. Kakashi was preparing for his move to his College dorms. He'd done everything himself. College applications, tours, etc. As was such since he was eleven years old. And then, there was his father out of nowhere. He was laughing and excited. "I have a surprise for you." It was the most alive he'd been in years. Kakashi was curious what had encouraged this change. Curious what suddenly brought some life back into him.

The two Hatakes walked to the front of the house and to his Dad's car. Sakumo opened the backseat car door. And then, there she was.

Small, dirty, bruised, with large green eyes and questionable pink hair.

She had a small worn backpack on, and shoes that were obviously too big for her feet.

"This is your little sister. Her name is Sakura."

Kakashi was astonished. When had his father been with a woman to create such an odd-looking child? He tried to rack his brain of any woman with pink hair he'd seen. Or was it… Mother's child?

Sakumo picked the girl up and brought her to the sitting room. He eased her within his favorite chair. "Let's talk in your room."

The smile still hadn't left his face.

Kakashi followed his dad.

Sakumo looked within Kakashi's room with a faraway look in his eyes. As if he were taking in his surroundings but was simultaneously not looking at all. At that time, it was filled with boxes. Some packed, others empty.

"Dad, what's happening? Who is that girl?" Kakashi asked, his heart hammering against his chest.

Sakumo was suddenly brought back to the present.

"I adopted her today."

Kakashi was expecting anything. But not that. Adopted her? Was he not enough? He furrowed his brows. "She needs us," Sakumo said with a nod.

Kakashi bit his lip so hard he was waiting for the coppery taste of blood to fill his mouth.

'She needs them?'

'I've been needing you!'

There were many things he wanted to say to his dad. None of them kind. But instead, he simply nodded.

"Be a good big brother to her. I'm counting on you," Sakumo said with a laugh. Kakashi tried to remember when was the last time his father had genuinely laughed so much. He couldn't recount a single moment since before his mother left them both.

His dad was alive for the first time it seemed like in years.

Kakashi didn't want to take this moment from him.

"Of course, Dad." Kakashi forced a smile on his lips.

And then she was theirs. This scarily small little girl. She was their responsibility.

Kakashi was grateful he was leaving for college in mere months.

But she was still there when he came home for the holidays.

And each time he came home, his father seemed more alive, and she seemed more comfortable. Kakashi suddenly felt more like an outsider when he visited. Sakumo would ruffle her hair, encourage her, cook, take her out on outings…

Kakashi didn't recognize his Dad.

And he became bitter.

How many basketball games had Sakumo missed? How often was Kakashi left to his own vices and at school? Bless Fugaku. He tried his best to fill Sakumo's shoes in most matters. But it wasn't the same. He wanted, no, he needed his Dad. But he wasn't there.

Yet, with Sakura around, he was?

She was a stranger! She wasn't his real kid! It wasn't right!

Was he not enough!?

Was he not worthy of that same affection?

Was he forgettable?

Or was his presence just a reminder of what he had lost? The love of his life?

Kakashi couldn't figure it out. And he never asked. He was scared the wrong thing would steal away his happiness and he'd revert back to his old ways.

And so, he did the next best thing. He avoided home unless it was absolutely necessary. And he avoided Sakura as best as he could.

He would get updates from his father over the phone.

The engagement to the youngest Uchiha son was the most absurd thing his father had told him. But again, it was like another revival. He could literally hear the smile in his voice. He was happy.

But then…

Slowly…

The happiness began to fade.

And Sakumo began to question his decision.

"She's upset." He told Kakashi one day over the phone. "Who is?" Kakashi asked absentmindedly. He was cooking breakfast for himself at home. "Sakura is." Kakashi hesitantly asked, "Why?" "I think...I think I've made a mistake. With the engagement…" Kakashi wanted to yell at his father, of course she'd be unhappy! Any moron could have told him that.

But his father didn't seem to need him badgering him. "I just wanted to protect her. Fugaku is my dearest friend. Surely his son would treat her kindly? Surely his son would love her? They seemed so close already. I just… I don't want her to experience heartbreak."

Heartbreak.

The thing that stole his father away from him. The thing that broke him.

"I don't want her to experience heartbreak."

Sakura might not have seen his father at his worse, but he knew she wasn't dumb. Anyone could see how happy the engagement made him. And one thing Kakashi knew about Sakura, she loved Sakumo dearly. She'd do anything to secure the joy that his father had. "Dad… Maybe just talk to her? If you truly are worried, confront the issue."

It was the wrong thing to say.

His father hung up the phone.

He didn't hear from him for a month.

Kakashi didn't bring it up again.

It's Christmas.

And cold outside. Flurries are floating and drifting with the current of the wind. Kakashi takes in the sky, its frigid beauty.

"Sasuke!"

Kakashi turns to the voice. It's a woman. She throws her arms around the neck of Sasuke Uchiha. He smiles. They're across the street from him. They had obviously just left the extravagant restaurant they're standing in front of.

She kisses him square on the lips.

Kakashi feels the intimacy of the scene. But… The Uchiha brat is engaged to his sister. Should he intervene or…?

"I don't want her to experience heartbreak."

Kakashi's feet move before he can settle on a plan.

"Uchiha."

Sasuke looks beside him. Kakashi had just crossed the street. "Hatake-San." Sasuke smiles. Though, there's hesitance. The woman, a beauty with dark hair and blue eyes, regards Kakashi. As if she's waiting for him to acknowledge her too. Or, for Sasuke to introduce her. "I didn't know you were back in Tokyo."

"For the holidays."

Sasuke nods. "Of course." "Sakura hasn't been home all that much since I've been back. Have you two been spending time together?" Sasuke's eyes sharpen with annoyance. "Not at all. I hear she's busy." Silence ensues between both men. It is apparent that the college student is riled up and angry. He doesn't speak and Kakashi doesn't either. He's observing the younger man. Also, he's curious as to what he will say. "Well, we'll be off." He says, ultimately running away.

'Coward,' Kakashi thinks to himself.

He watches the two walk off. The woman speaks to him once they're out of earshot. Kakashi wonders if she is asking who he was. Or who was that Sakura person Kakashi mentioned? Sasuke ignores her.

She reaches for his hand. He wretches his hands from hers as if her touch burns. Disappointment and confusion are in her icy blue eyes.

"I don't want her to experience heartbreak."

Kakashi goes back home. Sakura is sitting with their Dad. They're not speaking, just staring out the window. He knows of their ritual, watching the sunset. But the sun had set some time ago.

And yet...

There was a peacefulness about the two of them. Kakashi reluctantly fully opens the door and enters the house. He then closes it behind him. Sakura is startled with the sound of the closing door. She turns and their eyes lock. "Oh!" she says, for some reason embarrassed. "Welcome back Brother!" Sakura comes to him and takes his coat. "Would you like some tea?"

Always accommodating and thoughtful. For a moment, he wants to ruffle her hair as Dad does. She's a good kid. Too good for that Uchiha brat. But instead, he nods.

Their relationship isn't hands-on. And too, Kakashi doesn't have the confidence to partake in such a task.

'I'm the coward,' he thinks to himself.

She trots off to the kitchen. He sits in her vacant seat close to his Dad. Sakumo looks tired but happy as he regards him.

The smile isn't as foreign as it was ten years ago.

It's nice.

But…

Kakashi can see the cracks that are deepening on his face. The lie of the smile. The lie of his tranquil nature. Or maybe, calling it a lie is unfair. Maybe he was happy. But… He was struggling with the other emotions that were emerging within himself.

Kakashi opens his mouth to ask his Dad how he was doing...

But suddenly Sakura is back. She has a tray in her hands. Tea and cookies. The moment is lost. Which, at the time, is just fine to Kakashi.

The three of them sit. And all three stare out the window.

Kakashi never got why his father liked to stare out the window. What could possibly be so interesting about that small glimpse of outside? And yet, for that moment, it was enough. He understood. The quiet moment of shared space with family, watching the snow fall so gently.

"I think…" she began hesitantly. "I think you should come home." "Yes, I know that I said Sakumo is fine. But, Sakura…"

He's brought back to reality. The train has stopped. A polite recorded announcement occurs overhead, "Please remember to take all your belongings. Shinkansen thanks you for choosing us-" Kakashi grabs his bags.

What could the Uchiha brat have said to upset Sakura?

What could have happened that put her in such a state that drove Shizune to call him?

Well, he was certainly close to finding out.

Heavy fatigue settles over him. Sakumo's failing heart had put an immense amount of stress on him. But Sakura too? He felt slightly overwhelmed. A thought occurred to him, he had no idea how to approach the situation. They were never close. She never came to him if she needed anything.

Sakura was self-sufficient.

"She needs you."

How did Shizune know that? Did Sakura ask for him?

He couldn't picture it: Sakura asking Shizune to call him.

Maybe he should call Fugaku? He'd know what to do. And too, it was his son's fault. He should clean up the mess that Sasuke created, not him.

The thirty-something white-haired male pauses in mid-step. He's in the middle of the Shinkansen station. Despite it being late, it's bustling. He's a minor individual within the vast crowd. Forgettable.

Unimportant.

"She needs you."

For years, Kakashi was blinded by his bitterness and jealousy of Sakura. But at the end of the day, Sakura was just a kid. She didn't ask Sakumo to adopt her, didn't ask for his love. It just happened. Sakumo was happy when he adopted her. Shouldn't he be grateful that she was so obviously the source of his father's joy?

Kakashi looked at himself as not enough. He wasn't enough to snap his father out of his depression. He wasn't wrong to feel upset. But the source of his internal pain and frustration was perhaps misplaced.

"She needs you."

Maybe it wasn't that Sakura never needed him. Perhaps it was more like, he never made himself available to her for her to ask.

He resumed his pace.

Kakashi vowed he'd change that.

He'd be there for her from now on.

He was tired of losing people. He was tired of leaving things unsaid.