It all begins in the kitchen with J.D., Varie, Lincoln, Aylene, Linka, Laney, Lily, and Clyde.
J.D., Lincoln and Clyde: were singing. " Ohhhhhhhhh... Mama's little baby loves short'nin'. Short'nin' Mama's little baby loves short'nin'... "
" Breeeeeeeaaaaaad! " Clyde finished.
Lincoln grinned. "Very nice, Clyde!" He said to the readers, "Clyde and I have a week to start a successful business for class. So we're gonna sell homemade chocolate pie!"
"We've never baked before," Clyde pointed out. "But how hard could it be? Everybody loves chocolate pie. My nana says that if they don't, you can't trust them."
"I agree with you, Clyde," Laney stated. "Pie and chocolate are the two best things ever." She takes a slurp.
"I love chocolate as much as the next person," Linka admitted.
"Me, too," J.D. admitted. "Anyone who doesn't like both of them isn't human. No offense, Starfire!" he said quickly realizing what he just said.
"None taken, J.D.," Starfire replied not offended.
"No offense, guys," J.D. said hoping he didn't offend them.
"None taken, J.D.," Varie replied.
Lincoln opens the shelf and finds nothing but... "What? Empty wrappers. I should have known."
Clyde quickly defends himself. "It wasn't me! I was with you the whole time."
"I didn't have any chocolate either," Laney admitted. "I may love chocolate like everyone else but I control myself."
"Me too," J.D. replied.
"Same here," Varie responded.
Lily added, "I didn't have any chocolate either."
"I love chocolate as well, but I keep it under control," Aylene explained.
Lincoln closes the shelf. "I know guys. It was the rest of my sisters. They're well-known chocoholics."
"Don't forget about Ed, Double D, and Eddy," J.D. cautioned. "They love all sweets as much as Jawbreakers."
Flashback to the sisters enjoying the chocolate bars.
"Mmm," Lori exclaimed.
Luna, Eddy and Luan: "Mmm," Luna, Eddy and Luan exclaimed.
Edd, Leni, Penny, Lynn, Lucy and Lisa were all sighing.
Ed, Lana and Lola all exclaimed. "Mmm."
Flashback ends
Clyde began to panic. "Well, what are we gonna do? I already rolled out 84 pie crusts!"
"Fortunately, I came prepared," J.D. said.
On his right arm, he has a Magisword Bracelet similar to Lana's, which he spins to pull out a Magisword. "CHOCOLATE BAR MAGISWORD!"
He replenishes the chocolate bars and they begin baking.
"Can you use Magiswords now?" Linka asked.
"Lana got me into it," J.D. explained.
At Royal Woods Elementary.
They sell their pies like hot cakes and raked in a lot of dough.
At the Knudson-Loud Estate.
"Whoo-hoo!" J.D. cheered.
"Boy, we sold all of our pies and made all of this money," Lincoln remarked.
"Yeah," Linka agreed.
"Maybe we can sell lots of other stuff too," Laney sugested.
"Good idea Laney," Varie replied.
"How about we sell hugs?" Clyde suggested. "My dads say I'm an excellent hugger."
Lynn Sr. was frustrated while cleaning the van. "Aw, dang bird poop! Don't you feather-brains have somewhere else to hang out?"
Lincoln suddenly gets an idea. "Clyde, that's it!"
"Bird poop?" Clyde asked, confused.
"We can sell birdhouses!" Lincoln exclaimed.
"Oh! Great idea! But wait. We don't know anything about woodworking," Clyde pointed out.
Lincoln shrugged in response. "Eh, how hard could it be?"
"I make some really nice birdhouses, guys," J.D. explained.
"Let's give it a shot," Laney suggested.
There was pounding and whirring.
They made multiple luxurious birdhouses that look like mini-multi-million dollar mansions.
Lincoln was amazed. "Whoa! These birdhouses are incredible guys."
"I do a lot of woodwork in the woodshop at school," J.D. explained. "Plus, I help my dad with his woodworking."
His birdhouses resemble the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina, the Lace House in Blackhawk, Colorado, and the Antilia Billion Dollar home in India.
"We have a lot of talent, don't we?" Laney asked.
Laney's Birdhouses resemble India's Taj Mahal, Egypt's Great Pyramids, and Russia's Saint Basil's Cathedral.
Varie's birdhouses resembled Atlantica from Disney's The Little Mermaid, Germany's Neuschwanstein Castle, and Spain's Sagrada Familia.
And many more.
"Let's get selling," Linka said.
Back at school, they sold all of their birdhouses and made a fortune.
At home J.D. was counting all the money. "$9997, $9998, $9999, $10,000.13."
Laney was impressed. "Wow! We made a lot of money selling all those birdhouses!"
"We've got a lot of booming business," Aylene explained.
Linka nodded in agrement. "Yeah. No kidding."
"Yeah," Lincoln agreed. "What else can we sell?"
"How about we sell smiles?" Clyde suggested. "My dads say I have a million-dollar smile." He then smiles.
"You have a $1,000,001 smile, Clyde," J.D. commented.
Clyde replied, "Thank you."
"Well..." Lincoln said hesitantly.
The door thuds and clicks shut.
Luan and Eddy enter the room.
Luan was dressed up as a clown and was counting the money she had made. "98, 99..."
Lincoln's eyes widened. "Whoa! Where'd you get all that money, Luan?"
"Did you sell...laughter?" Clyde asked.
Luan lauged. "Ha! Laughter? It's my pleasure to give that away for free. This is from selling balloon animals. Observe." She blows into a large pink balloon and shapes it into... "A dog! Now pick up the pace, Fido! It's the leash you can do!" She laughs as she goes upstairs; comes back for a minute. "No charge."'
Eddy commented, "I heard you guys have been very busy."
J.D. nodded. "Yep. We sold chocolate pies as well as handcrafted birdhouses. We made a total of $10,000.13."
Eddy was impressed. "Wow! That's a lot of moolah!"
"Did you just get back from another birthday party?" Varie inquired.
Eddy nodded. "Yep. Luan and I are in business together. We're funny stuff. See you guys."
"See ya later, Eddy," J.D. said.
Lincoln and Clyde looked at each other and said at the same time, "We'll sell balloon animals! How hard could it be?"
"It takes a lot of practice," J.D. explained.
However, it isn't as simple as Luan makes it look. Lincoln tries to work on a balloon until it pops.
"Ah!" Lincoln yelled.
Clyde notices someone approaching and said, "Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!
Liam was looking at the balloon in confusion. "Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?"
"It's a bunny rabbit," Clyde explained.
"Even better!" Liam exclaimed and then he whispers. "It's for a girl I like."
"You know, Liam, if it's for a girl, you should get her chocolate," Lincoln explained. "All my sisters love it."
"Believe me," J.D. said. "Yes, they do."
Liam grinned. "Oh, cool! Thanks Lincoln." He theen runs off.
"Lincoln, you just lost our only customer," Clyde pointed out.
Lincoln: "Relax, Clyde. There's still plenty more," Lincoln assured him.
"Let me see if I can make some." J.D. takes some balloons and creates a bunch of balloon animals.
Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney and Lily are shocked.
"You can make balloon animals, J.D.?" Lincoln exclaimed, astounded.
"Luan has been teaching me," J.D. explained. "She's a pro."
"Perfect timing, too, because we have more customers," Clyde added.
The kids flock to them, and they hand out even more balloon animals, making a lot more money.
Liam comes back. "Hey, Lincoln!"
J.D., Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney, and Lily all notice him.
Liam: "She loved the chocolate! We have a date this Friday!" Liam said excitedly.
"Way to go Liam!" J.D. congratulated.
Lincoln was happy for him. "Oh, great! I guess with 14 sisters. I've learned a few things about girls."
Liam grabbed Lincoln's face. "Oh, don't be so modest. You're like a girl guru." He then leaves.
"Clyde, I think Liam-" Lincoln picks up Clyde. "I think Liam just gave us our next business idea."
"How hard could it be?" Lincoln and Clyde asked at the same time.
GIRL GURU: $1.00 PER QUESTION
"Step right up and ask the Girl Guru," Clyde advised. "He's got the goods on the gals, the facts on the females, the lowdown on the ladies."
Exotic instrumental music is being played
Varie and Laney play the bongos, while J.D. plays the sitar.
Customers were gasping in excitement. "Me! Me!"
Andrew was up first. "Oh, Girl Guru, I'm hanging out with Jordan later, and I really want it to go well. What do girls think is fun?"
"Hmmm," Lincoln responded thinking.
A flashback shows Lynn doing the Dutch oven on him while he's playing video games in a blanket.
"Hey, Lincoln. What's more fun than a Canadian microwave? A Dutch oven!" Lynn wraps herself around Lincoln and lets out a fart so big that it inflates the blanket with them underneath it.
Lincoln yelled.
Lynn was laughing.
Lincoln then was grunting.
Flashback ends
"Dutch ovens," Lincoln explained.
"Really?" Andrew asked.
Clyde pushes Andrew away. "The Girl Guru has answered your question, and as you can see, many other boys await his wisdom." He then says to Lincoln, "You do know what you're doing, right?"
"I don't know," Lincoln replied. "Why don't you ask Liam?"
Liam and his girlfriend are walking by. Liam's girlfriend, who is currently chewing a chocolate bar, kisses him on the cheek, leaving a heart-shaped chocolate smudge.
"Hee-hee!" Liam giggled.
"And that's why you're wearing the robe and I'm wearing the fanny pack," Clyde added. "Who's next?"
"How do I get a girl to fall for me?" Rusty asked.
"Omm..." Lincoln said thinking.
A flashback shows Lynn Sr. telling a bedtime story to Lola.
"And so the young knight returned Princess Taylor to her tower five minutes before curfew, and no one was punished, and everything worked out great. The end. Good night, sweetie."
Lola wakes up instantly. "Hey, where do you think you're going? More knight and horsey stories!"
Flashback ends.
"You're going to need a stallion and a suit of armor," Lincoln explained.
Rusty starts thanking him over and over again. "Oh, thank you, Girl Guru. Thank you. Thank you."
Zach came up next. "Oh, Girl Guru, I like this girl. But she doesn't think I'm good enough for her. How do I change her mind?"
A flashback shows when Lisa was talking to Lily about a boy.
"Dylan Cornheiser tried to hold my hand at recess. I told him, learn basic chemistry, and then we'll talk."
Lincoln was listening on the side of the door;
Flashback ends
"Simple," Lincoln told him. "Learn basic chemistry."
Zach: "Oh, man, I stink at chemistry," Zach complained and then asked, "What about kickball?"
Clyde pushes Zach away. "The Girl Guru has spoken."
Lincoln speaks to Papa Wheelie next. "Nothing makes my sister Lana happier than a frog in her pants." He then talks to Flat Tire. "Take her to a funeral. My sister Lucy swears by it." He then said to Coach Pacowski, "Roses are fine, but squirting flowers will really make her day." He then speaks to a random kid. "Read a good book." Then talks to another random kid. "Read comic books."
Coach Pacowski was writing that down. "Squirting flowers... make... her... day. Thanks, Loud. See you in gym."
The bell rings.
Lincoln then turns to talk to Clyde. "Clyde, our business is killing it! I think we're looking at an A." He spins around with Clyde as he talks. "Worst-case scenario, A minus."
Clyde nodded. "Tell me about it. I had to triple up on fanny packs just to hold all the money we made."
"I got a bad feeling about this guys," J.D. said, worriedly. "I have a feeling that Lincoln's advice is not gonna work."
Andrew farts in Jordan's face.
Jordan screams loudly and coughs and glares at him. "You jerk!"
"Uh-oh!" Varie exlaimed, woriedly.
"But the Girl Guru said you'd love a Dutch oven," Andrew protested.
Jordan was glaring at him hard. "Maybe you'd love an American wedgie!"
Andrew screamed loudly and ran away from her.
Lincoln turns away from them. "Well, you can't expect advice to work 100 percent of the time." He closes his locker along with Clyde.
A frog was croaking and jumping on Joy's head and she was freaking out. "Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!"
Papa Wheelie began to explain, "But the Girl Guru said-"
"Get him, girls!" Joy yelled.
"Get him!" All the girls growled in anger.
They chased Papa Wheelie across the hall.
"That is not on us," Lincoln dismissed. "He must have picked a bad frog."
"Let's just get back to class before they come back," Clyde suggested popping out of a trash can.
Mrs. Johnson's classroom
Flat Tire was speaking to Mollie. "Hey, Mollie, you want to go on a date with me?"
Mollie shrugged her shoulders. "Um, yeah."
Flat Tire grinned widely. "Great! I'm gonna need you to wear this." He puts a veil on Mollie. "Ah, there's the hearse. We're going to a funeral. How strong are you? They might need an extra pallbearer."
Mollie became disgusted at that. "Ew! Yuck! Get away from me, you morbid weirdo!"
Flat Tire stares at Lincoln and Clyde who gulp in response.
"This is for you, Agnes," Coach Pacowski said, holding some flowers.
Mrs. Johnson gasps in delight. "Daisies are my favorite!" She then gets squirted in the face by them. "Ah!" Then she pushed Coach Pacowski away in disgust. "You yokel! I just had my hair done."
Coach Pacowski began to protest. "But, Agnes, the Girl Guru said-" He then pointed to Lincoln and Clyde and said, "Hope you boys like push-ups!"
"Oh no," J.D. said, worried.
"Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boys' bathroom pass?" Lincoln asked.
"And I'll take the girls'," Clyde added.
They're both running down the hallway.
Kat yelled followed by an explosion.
"I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills," Zach tried to explain.
"You burnt my braids, you doofus!" Kat yelled.
"He told me to do it!" Zach quickly explained.
Kat: "What?" Kat questioned.
Lincoln and Clyde nervously laugh and run to the boys' room.
"Lincoln, I'm losing feeling in my toes," Clyde complained. "I think it's a panic attack."
Lincoln tried to reassure him. "It's okay. Just breathe into your paper bag."
Clyde picks up the paper bag and gasps into it. "Mmm. Oops." He chuckles sheepishly. "Wrong bag. That was my lunch." He quiclky switches bags and inhales and exhales sharply.
A horse neighs and it turned out Rusty was on it wearing a suit of armor. "Whoa, White Lightning, stop! Sadie, do you want to go to the movies?"
He picks up Sadie who imediately starts screaming.
White Lightning crashes into a wall and Rusty's armor flies everywhere.
"It looks like your advice didn't work," J.D. commented.
"Yeah," Aylene agreed.
This is bad," Laney remarked.
"Let me have the bag," Lincoln demanded and Clyde hands it to him and he starts breathing heavily.
Clyde said, "Lincoln, we have to get out of here."
"The next time I see that Girl Guru, I'll totally destroy him!" Kat exclaimed, angrily.
"Yeah, and his weird little friend too," Joy added just as angry.
J.D. approaches them. "You'll have to go through me first."
"And me!" Laney added.
"Count us in too!" Aylene agreed.
Varie and Lily join the group in surrounding them.
Kat and Joy slowly backed away and bolted.
The trash cans sprout legs and move down the hall, revealing Lincoln and Clyde hiding inside them, popping their heads out and seeing their customers groaning in pain; they hide, and a girl places a plastic water bottle in Clyde's trash can.
Clyde pops out of it and said, "Um, excuse me. That goes in the recycling."
Lincoln then pops out of his and said, "Clyde! Keep it down!"
"Hey! It's them!" A student yelled.
Another student yelled, "Stop!"
"Give them their money back," Lincoln suggested. "That'll stop them."
Clyde throws them their money. "Here! Take it, you wild animals!"
The enraged men refuse to accept their refunds, determined to take revenge on Lincoln and Clyde.
Lincoln blinked suprised. "Huh, didn't stop them."
"I know what to do," Clyde said and then stopped running and yelled, "Free hugs!"
The mob does not appear to be eager to stop for free hugs.
Clyde became nervous at that. "Uh, on second thought, there may not be enough of me to go around." He then continues running for his life.
Laney creates a wall of bramble vines, which gives them an opportunity to escape.
Later that night, the girls are watching TV at the Knudson-Loud Estate, and Starfire, Raven, Terra, Volcana, Argent, Kole, Bumblebee, Lapis, Jessie, Ed, Edd, and Eddy are with them. Until they notice Lincoln and Clyde panting and covering the curtains, and J.D., Varie, Aylene, Linka, Laney, and Lily come in panting and collapsing on the floor.
Exhausted, J.D. said to the group, "Oh, hey guys."
Lori sighed greeting them. "Oh, boy. What did you all do now?"
"L-L-L-Lori?" Clyde started breathing sharply and moaning. J.D. snapped his fingers and snapped him out of it. "Thanks, J.D."
"Don't mention it," J.D. replied.
"Um, you probably wouldn't be interested," Lincoln replied.
Lola responded, "Oh, we're interested. Spill!"
"Well, Clyde and I had to start a business for school, so we kind of, uh, charged boys for my advice about girls," Lincoln explained.
J.D. intervened before they could complain. "Now, before you make any conclusions, let us explain. To begin with, this was not our original idea."
"Our original plan was to sell homemade chocolate pies, but you ate all the chocolate bars," Varie explained.
"Fortunately, I had the Chocolate Bar Magisword and restocked the chocolate bars, and we made a lot of pies, and it was a successful business," J.D. explained. "As a result, we made $500.00."
After J.D. said that, the Loud girls, minus Laney and Lily, all began to look slightly guilty.
"Our second business was birdhouses, and we made beautiful birdhouses that made a lot of money," Varie explained. "It resulted in a profit of $10,000.13."
"We tried making balloon animals and thought it wouldn't work," Varie explained. "But, thanks to Luan's instructions, J.D. ended up making a lot of Balloon Animals. In the end, we made $1675.62."
"Then one of our friends, Liam, came over and ordered one because he wanted to impress a girl he liked," Linka explained. "Lincoln suggested giving her chocolate, and it worked.
"Liam said Lincoln was like a girl guru, and that's what gave us the idea," Laney explained.
"But for some reason, the advice we tried to give people didn't work, and now our customers are going to kill us!" Lily exclaimed frantically.
The Loud Sisters all gave sympathetic looks before sighing sympathetically. Lori wraps her arms around J.D., Clyde, and Lincoln, while Leni wraps hers around Varie, Aylene, and Laney, and Luna wraps her arms around Lily.
"Guys, we completely understand," Lori stated. "But seriously, what do you know about girls?"
"Well, I just thought that since I had 14 sisters-" Lincoln started to say.
But then Luan interrupted him. "Look, Lincoln. What's true for us isn't gonna be true for every girl. We're not all the same."
Yeah dudes," Luna responded. "All girls are different just like all boys are different."
Penny nodded. "That's right."
"Luna is right," Eddy agreed. "Everyone has a unique personality that sets them apart."
"Precisely," Lisa nodded.
"Whoa," Lincoln exclaimed. "I never thought of it that way."
"I completely forgot about that," J.D. admitted.
"Me too," Aleyene agreed.
"I'm not like Lana!" Lola admitted.
Lana: "And thank goodness for that," Lana agreed and then high fives Lola.
Lincoln looks down after they said that. "Oh, man, you're right. What have I done? I've doled out terrible advice, and now everybody at school hates us."
Lynn lets out a sigh. "Lincoln, don't be so hard on yourself. It was partly our fault as well."
"Yeah," Leni agreed. "We were the ones who ate the chocolates you were going to use for your business."
"I'm sorry, guys," Lucy apologized. "We feel ashamed."
"It's not your fault, guys," Lily insisted. "I know you guys like chocolate and you just couldn't control yourselves."
They all hugged each other.
"It's all right, guys," J.D. assured them. "We don't care about that anymore."
"If those kids are going to hurt you, I won't let them!" Starfire declared.
Raven nodded in agreement. "Me neither."
"But we still need to figure out what we're going to do," J.D. explained.
"Yeah or we will get an "F"," Linka pointed out.
Lynn Sr. entered the kitchen and saw all the pies. "A kitchen full of pie? I guess it's ol' Dad's lucky day!" He laughed and takes a bite and then his stomach grumbled in nausea. "Ooh, bad!"
"Those were the back-up pies we made just in case," J.D. pointed out.
"They're made with salt and vinegar," Varie explained.
"We went a little overboard on the salt," Lincoln admitted.
Lynn Sr. nodded in agreement. "I'll say. It's an as-salt on my senses!"
J.D., Varie, Aylene, Eddy, Luan, Raven, Terra and Bumblebee laughed at his joke.
"Good one, dad," Luan said while laughing.
"Yeah, good one, Mr. Lynn," J.D. agreed, laughing.
"Funny, L Sr.," Eddy laughed.
"That was funny," Terra said, laughing.
"That's funny," Raven laughed.
"Ah, sorry, J.D.," Lynn Sr. said. "We're just gonna have to toss the whole batch."
Licnoln got an idea when he heard that. "Toss them? That's a great idea, Dad. Guys, we're back in business."
Dollar sign transition
Lincoln said to the readers, "How hard can it be to start a business? Pretty hard, actually. The key is to find something you're really good at, and it turns out for me that thing is..." He then gets hit with a pie. "Taking a pie in the face."
Clyde cleared his throat. "Step right up and get your revenge on the Girl Guru. 2 dollars a pie."
A whole bunch of people started paying Clyde while speaking at once.
Mrs. Johnson came up first. "Great job, guys! This is a fantastic business idea!"
"Thanks, Mrs. Johnson," Clyde replied.
"Thanks Mrs. Johnson," J.D. responded.
"Thanks Mrs. J.," Laney replied.
Mrs. Johnson: "One pie, please," Mrs. Johnson said and then pays them.
Coach Pacowski was next to her and said, "And two for me." He pays them as well.
"You know, we're running a special," Clyde explained. "Buy four and get the fifth free!"
Coach Pacowski grinned. "Ah, even better." He throws more money. "Heck, I'll take them all!" He cackles.
"Clyde!" Lincoln exclaimed worried.
Clyde shrugged his shoulder in respone. "Business is business, Lincoln. Let 'er rip!"
[Lincoln gulps and pies splatter on him and he falls off his seat.
The day is over and everyone has left except for J.D., Varie, Aylene, Lincoln, Linka, Clyde, Laney and Lily. Lincoln is still on the ground from all of the pies that were thrown at him. J.D. and Varie come to help him up.
"Are you all right, buddy?" J.D. asked.
Lincoln nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine. At least it worked. But now everyone at school still hates me."
"Don't worry, Lincoln," Clyde assured him. "I'm sure they hate us too."
"Yeah," J.D. agreed. "But if they try anything, we'll defend you."
"Yeah," Laney agreed. "We're not going to let them hurt you."
Lincoln expressed his gratitude by saying, "Thanks, guys."
"That's what friends are for," Varie explained.
They give each other a hug.
"Come on guys," Lincoln said to everyone. "Let's head home."
They walk home together. When they come in, the rest of the siblings, Starfire, Raven, Terra, Volcana, Kole, Argent, Lapis, Jessie, Bumblebee, Ed, Edd, and Eddy, are all doing their own thing. They all immediemently surround them.
"Guys, you're back!" Lynn exclaimed.
"How did it go?" Lana inquired.
"Are you guys all right?" Leni inquired.
"Do you guys need any help?" Lola inquired.
Lincoln put his hands up to stop the questions. "Guys! Guys! I'm fine!"
"Yeah," J.D. agreed, "although Lincoln will most likely need a bath."
"I don't think you'd want to smell like salt and vinegar for a a while," Varie suggested.
"Yeah, you're right," Lincoln agreed.
They all laughed.
"Come on, bro," Luna encouraged, "I'll help you."
"Thank you, Luna," Lincoln replied.
Lincoln and Luna headed upstairs to get Lincoln cleaned up.
THE END