Ch 8

The Doctor returned after a few minutes with what River needed for her foot. She shifted so she was sitting in a way that would make it easier for him to wrap her ankle. He carefully wrapped the material of the ACE bandage around her ankle and foot, trying to be gentle. She winced a few times, trying to keep still.

"There we are." He murmured when he was finished.

"Thank you." She whispered, quickly drawing her foot away.

"Are you still sleeping on the couch?"

She nodded.

"Do you want help over there?"

"I can do it myself." She shook her head, "Does this mean our conversation is over?"

"It doesn't have to be, I just thought you might be tired now."

"I'm not a child. I can take care of myself." She whispered.

"I never said you were. I was only offering help because walking on that foot is going to be painful."

"I'm fine." She insisted, "I can do it."

"Fine then." He said quietly. Another pause. "Did you want to try to get all that talking in now or wait for morning?"

"I think we need to get it all out now. If we wait, it probably won't actually happen."

He nodded and went back to his seat. "You look like you have something to say."

"I think we need to talk about the lying."

"Right. The lying."

"Why did you think that would be a better alternative than just telling me the truth? How can you expect me to trust you again after that?"

He was quiet in thought for a minute. "To be honest, I'm not sure I do expect you to trust me again. I didn't think a lot of this would go the way it did."

"It's Gallifrey, Doctor. You should have expected it. You should have talked to me."

"Yes. I should have." He nodded solemnly. "There's hindsight for you. Always working backward." He sighed. "Would you have tried to come with me?"

"I don't know." She sighed, "I wouldn't have wanted you to go alone, that's for sure. I know Gallifrey is dangerous, and we have children that need to be looked after... I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to protect me."

"I don't. Well... I guess I did and one time is all you need to fuck everything up."

"It wasn't just a one-time thing. You have a history of lying to people, of lying to me. I thought we were past that, so when the lying returns you lose my trust." Her voice was raising.

"You've made that pretty clear." He was making an attempt to keep his voice level, staring at a spot on the table. "I'm not a compulsive liar, River. I don't wake up until the morning thinking 'hmm, what lie am I going to tell my wife today?'. You and I, we both had to lie to each other for such a long time and that wasn't because either of us wanted to, it was because we had to. It was because we still had things like spoilers to worry about. We lie to our neighbors and our friends now, not because we want to, but because the truth will just put everyone in danger. We lie to our children about our own pasts so they're not as afraid of the rest of the universe as we are of the universe snatching them away. We tell them to carry out the same lies. It broke my hearts to lie to you. It breaks my hearts to lie to any of you, and I regret what it's done. But River, I will not regret for one moment the fact that you and our children are safe from my people."

"You don't understand." She was getting rather upset, "I know we have lied to each other in the past, but there are no more spoilers. We lie to protect our friends, our neighbors, and our children to protect them, and that is an entirely different story. Never in my life have I been able to trust anyone. I could never depend on anyone else to be honest with me, to respect me. I thought that we had gotten to a place where I trust you completely. I could depend on you. And then you left and didn't come back when you said you were going to. I went looking for you because I was worried, I thought something had happened. I went to Ohila and she said she hadn't seen you since the Time War. That's when I realized you had lied to me. I was scared. I didn't know if you were coming back. I didn't know if I would ever see you again. You put me right back in the position that I was in 14 years ago. I was alone again. Do you know what it's like to finally, after centuries, feel like you have one person in the entire universe that you can trust and depend on only to have that all ripped away from you? If you had been honest, it doesn't mean that I would come with you. It doesn't mean the kids and I wouldn't have been safe. It means that I would have, at the very least, known where you were. You wouldn't have put me through that fear of being abandoned and that is what hurt me the most." She didn't think she had been this open about her feelings in a while. She was shaking.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, not knowing what else to say. He hadn't wanted to stay away, but he had and there was nothing he really could say to make up for his actions hurting her. He hated that he'd been the one to make her feel like that. "I know that's a stupid thing to say and it changes nothing, but I really am sorry for what I did."

She didn't say anything for a minute or so, trying to calm down and regain control, "I think that I'm going to need some time to forgive that."

"I know. Is there anything I can do for you in this moment?" He asked.

"I need you to show me that you're going to be here for me." She whispered. She wanted to ask for comfort, but she was afraid that he would reject that.

He slowly rose, moving to her side of the table. He reached for her hand, then paused, "May I?"

She nodded.

He took one of her hands with both of his, moving his thumbs experimentally across the back of her hand and across her knuckles. He turned her hand over and traced the lines of her palm with great attention before slowly lifting it to his lips and kissing it gently. "I'm going to do my absolute best to be there for you."

She nodded, though her hand trembled slightly in his. He held her hand quietly, watching her face with guilt and gratefulness.

Toby decided to move back under the table when she pulled him a bit closer, going back to sleep.

"I missed you." She murmured after a bit of silence.

"I've missed you, too." He squeezed her hand. "Very, very much."

"We still have to work out what we're going to tell everyone."

He nodded and sighed. "Yes, we should probably do that."

"We can say that you're someone from work." She murmured, repeating his earlier idea.

"I thought you didn't like that idea."

"I don't." She shook her head, "But no other explanation is going to sound any more normal, so we might as well go with your idea."

"Alright." He nodded.

"What's your name? You probably shouldn't be John Smith again." She reasoned.

"No, probably not. Maybe..." He looked at the window, into the back garden, spotting a plant. "Basil? There are still people named Basil, aren't there?"

"Well, not really, but that doesn't mean it can't be your name."

"I can't remember what basil tastes like." He murmured.

"Well, I can make something tomorrow with basil in it." She offered.

"That might be nice." He hummed.

"Yes, it might be." She nodded, "Though I'm afraid neither of us has ever been terribly good cooks, so I can't say it'll be the best meal you've ever had."

"That's alright. I've been eating sewage soup for the past hundred years, I'm sure anything will be better than that."

She smiled weakly, "How's your memory doing?"

"It's getting better." He took the same expression. "Still a few foggy spots, but when aren't there."

She nodded, "Of course."

"The kids and I were exploring the TARDIS a bit today. The swimming pool got bigger."

"Oh, that sounds nice. Are the bedrooms still the same?"

"For the most part. Terra got a new wallpaper that's green now. And the girls' room it a bit bigger."

"That's good. They needed a bigger room." She nodded, "Is our room the same?"

"Yes. Well, the closets got some new choices, but other than that, yes."

"I see." She stared at him for several minutes, just taking in his new face. He wanted to ask again what she thought, only having heard from her that he's old and Scottish- two things he'd already figured out.

"Those eyebrows are rather spectacular." She teased lightly.

He waggled them experimentally. "We're about to have two fully-fledged teenagers in the house. Can't scold teenagers without a serious look."

She smiled genuinely, "That is very true. Does that mean I finally get to be the good cop when it comes to discipline?"

He chuckled. "Probably"

She studied his face for another minute, "I think you look very handsome."

"Do you? That's a relief."

She reached out to touch his cheek. He put his hand over hers, exhaling slowly. As she watched his face, she began to feel as though she had been a bit too hard on him.

"After being away for hundreds of years...you still came back to me."

"Where else would I go but home?"' He asked.

"I didn't think you considered our flat your home." She whispered.

"Actually I was talking about you." He whispered.

"Me?" She whispered.

"Yes, you. You're my wife. Your voice in my head kept me going all that time."

She pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him, not knowing how else to respond. He stilled out of surprise but quickly accepted the hug. She held him close, feeling a bit guilty that she had been so cold when he had first gotten back.

He sighed contently into her warmth, her touch enough to make him forget his own guilt for a moment.

"I'm sorry."

He pulled back to look at her. "Why is that?"

"I feel like I was too hard to you. I didn't give you enough credit."

"Credit is overrated, and I deserved some of that scolding."

"But still, I should have at least said hello before going off on you."

He met her eyes softly. "Hello."

"Hello." She smiled.

"There now, better?" She nodded. "We can have all the hellos we want."

"Yes, we can." She murmured.

He held her again, glad to be in her arms.

"I think I've changed my mind about where I'm going to sleep."

"Is that so?"

"I think I'll sleep in our room tonight."

He paused for a moment. "Em, does that mean you want me on the couch or with you?"

"It means I want you with me in our bed, idiot."

He relaxed. "Thank you… Still mad, though?"

"Vexed." She smiled. " And I think I may need a bit of help up the stairs."

"Of course" He moved to help her. She leaned on him for support so they could get up the stairs together. It was a slow effort, but they eventually made it to the bedroom.

"Can you unzip me?" She asked, wanting to change since she was still wearing the dress from her earlier dinner engagement. He nodded, going behind her and pulling down her zipper.

She briefly wondered if his opinions on her regarding intimacy had changed with his regeneration. She voiced the thought, "Do you have changed thoughts about me now that you've changed?"

"I rather think I find all of you just as brilliant as ever."

She nodded, smiling weakly. He went to her dresser and got a nightie so she wouldn't have to walk over there herself. "Thank you." She slid the other dress off her shoulder, letting it pool around her feet.

He stole a glance or two at her as she changed. She didn't seem to notice, limping over to the bed.

"You should sleep in in the morning." He murmured, getting in bed with her.

"It's hard to sleep in when you have four children." She smiled weakly.

"It's Saturday. Let me cook up breakfast and you can sleep a bit."

"Okay, but if there are any problems I want you to wake me up."

He nodded. "It'll be fine."

"I'm sure it will be."

He took her hand again. "Goodnight, River."

"Goodnight."