Ch 30
Breakfast went about in the same manner it had been for the past several days: the two ate in silence for the most part aside from an occasional comment on the food. The day continued like that, the Doctor messing with the wire beneath the console and reading.
Toby bothered River for a walk in the afternoon, wanting the real outdoors instead of the holographic simulation he'd been given yesterday by the TARDIS. River obliged this and flew the TARDIS to a quiet, empty beach, taking the dog out to so he could run around for a bit. Toby was beyond delighted, sprinting around and splashing in the water.
River sat down in the sand, watching as the dog explored. The waves were small, licking the sand line with soft motions and hushed noises. There was no sun because of clouds, but it was still very bright. River sighed, closing her eyes.
After chasing a number of seagulls, a wet but happy Toby settled next to River. She stroked the dog's head, figuring they could sit there for a while since there was no where else for them to be.
After a while, the Doctor poked his head out of the TARDIS. River's back was to him, the breeze drifting through her hair. He wandered over to her, sitting quietly on the side of her that wasn't occupied by Toby.
"Hi..." She whispered.
"Hey," he regarded in the same tone. "How long have you been out here?"
"I don't know." She murmured, "I didn't really keep track."
He nodded and glanced at the dog who was pleasantly oblivious to their pensiveness. He deduced that Toby had needed a walk, though why River chose a beach was beyond him. It probably didn't matter. "Bit cold out here."
"You think?" She honestly hadn't noticed the weather.
"Yeah." With the sky overcast, the breeze off the water nipped slightly at any parts of them not protected by clothes. "You're not cold?"
"Not really." She breathed, through her nose, though her ears and fingers were red from the cold.
"If you say so..." he murmured, though would probably encourage her to come inside soon. She went quiet again, something that had become very common in the last few days.
They sat there for a while. Toby eventually got up again and trotted back and forth between his masters and the water. He got soaked yet again, coming back soon after and shaking water all over the Doctor and River.
"Augh, Toby, no." The Doctor said disapprovingly as the dog flung water droplets at them.
The dog wagged his tail, coming over to give the Doctor a big lick on the cheek in an attempt to cheer him up. He gave in slightly and gave the dog a pat. The dog settled, nuzzling his hand.
"Sorry for being away for so long." He murmured to the dog. "Playing fetch by yourself just isn't as fun, is it?"
Toby barked in response, tail wagging.
"Yes, the cats aren't very sympathetic." The Doctor agreed. The dog sat down, putting his hand on the Doctor's leg.
They were quiet again until the breeze picked up again.
"Do you want my coat?" The Doctor asked his wife.
"I'm okay." She murmured, she didn't seem to notice the cold still.
"It looks like it's going to rain soon." The clouds had started to grow darker. She hummed, staring blankly out at the ocean. "Maybe we should head in soon..."
"You can go without me. I want to stay out here a bit longer." She whispered.
"Okay... but if it starts raining, will you come in?"
She nodded. He took his coat off and slipped it over her shoulders before going inside. Toby followed.
After a while it started to downpour, though River stayed on the beach. By the time the Doctor came back outside wielding an umbrella, her clothes were soaked through. Her hair was stuck against her skin, and she hadn't moved at all.
"River..." He crouched next to her, voice gentle and umbrella positioned over both of them. "Come inside now."
"Hmm?" She murmured, not having really heard him.
"It's time to come in." He repeated. "You're shivering and soaking wet."
"Okay." She agreed, though her feet didn't move. He waited for her to do it voluntarily, but when she didn't, he put his arms around her and brought her to her feet. Her skin was cold and the rain pounded against the barrier of the umbrella.
She followed his lead inside, dripping water all over the floor. He brought her to their room, handing her a towel before pulling out warm clothes for her. She stood with the towel wrapped around her, the blank look still across her face. He offered her the dry clothes. "Put these on."
"Okay." She breathed, finally moving into the bathroom to change. The TARDIS made the room warm for her and the Doctor went to make tea.
She sat down on the bed once she was changed, staring at the wall. The Doctor came back with hot tea, handing her a mug. Even if she didn't drink the tea, he was glad she was holding someone warm in her hands.
"Thanks." She whispered, taking the mug.
He sat next to her. "You were out there a while."
"I didn't notice." This was genuine.
"It's eight now." He informed. "Something on your mind to keep you out there?"
She looked at him, "Just...thinking..." She lied, of course there was something on her mind and the Doctor could probably guess what it was.
His eyes were soft and his expression was understanding and wanting to help in any way she would let him. "You missed dinner." He said after a beat. "Do you want something?"
"I'm not hungry." She looked at the floor.
He nodded, not pushing the subject. "Anything you need?" He'd tried to avoid that sort of question since they got back, feeling that it annoyed her to ask it. He'd been doing okay going off non-verbal cues for needing space or company, but she was so distant at the moment that he was having trouble knowing which to do.
"I-" She paused, not really knowing what to say. The only things she really wanted were gone and she couldn't get them back. "No."
"Alright. Well if you change your mind... I'll be in the library." He figured that the no also meant she'd prefer some space.
She looked at him, not really wanting him to go. "Okay." She nodded, thinking perhaps he wanted space as well. He left for the library. She curled up on the bed, falling asleep after awhile.
She stayed asleep until morning, waking once again in the early hours. Her and the Doctor's limbs were a bit tangled up with each other's. She carefully untangled herself, getting out of bed.
Tiber, who'd been sleeping on the end of their bed, stirred and quickly jumped up, thinking River was going to feed him. She went to the kitchen to feed him. The other cats joined at the sound of food being opened, all three of them brushing up against her legs. She fed the cats and the dog, then got to work on breakfast for herself and her husband.
The Doctor wandered in after a while. "Morning."
"Morning." She murmured, just finishing up with breakfast.
"You're up early... what are you making?"
"Muffins." She murmured, setting the food down on the table.
"That's sweet of you." He smiled weakly.
She shrugged, sitting down at the table. He sat as well, helping himself to a muffin. She didn't reach for one, just sitting and sipping her tea.
While breakfast was still quiet, the Doctor was a bit more talkative than he'd been the other days. It wasn't nearly as much as his normal ramblings which have been known to go on indefinitely, but it was something. River, on the other hand, was even quieter than before, only acknowledging his words by looking at him, though she didn't really hear anything he was saying.
"Are you going to eat any?" He asked when he'd had his fill, just now realizing she hadn't had any food.
"I guess so." She murmured, finally taking one, though all she really did was pull it apart.
He decided not to comment on it, offering to do the washing up. She shook her head, insisting on washing everything herself. He didn't try to convince her otherwise, wrapping up the leftover muffins for later.
The Doctor went to get properly dressed. Toby stayed, watching River from the floor. She washed, dried and put the dishes away, then went to get dressed, too.
The Doctor was pondering coats, looking up when she walked in. "I think we should go somewhere today."
"What? Why?" She frowned slightly.
"Just thought it might be nice. Doesn't have to be around other people."
She hesitated, not looking to keen on the idea. He picked up on this quickly and tried to dismiss the idea casually. "Or not. There's plenty to do inside, too."
"If you really want to go out, I suppose we can."
"It's alright, I'm not attached to the idea."
"Are you sure?"
He nodded. "I just want to spend time with you, we can do that anywhere."
"Okay." She nodded slowly, "What else do you want to do?"
He paused to think. "...Can I read to you?" It was something they used to do more often when the other wasn't feeling well either physically or emotionally. They both had plenty of memories of the other's voice reading favorite chapters of books.
"I-..." She hesitated, not expecting that, "Okay."
He smiled weakly. "Do you want to pick something out?"
"Alright." She went to the shelf that contained some of their favorite books, examining them. The books contained a large range of genres. Some of them were very thick, some of them shorter stories, and some of them historical accounts. She picked up one of the books, a history book, thin and old.
They settled on the bed, the Doctor opening up the book to the start. She closed her eyes to listen to the words. The book was composed of pieces of a journal that belonged to Aristotle along with brief sections of commentary via more modern historians. The Doctor read with a gentle voice.
River stared at the wall, only half listening. He read through the whole book as it was short enough to read all in one go. She was rigid and still the whole time. He rose to put the book back on the shelf when they'd finished it. She watched, her eyes tracing his movements.
"Thanks." He murmured. "For letting me do that." She nodded. Her rigidness hadn't gone unnoticed by him and he wondered if reading to her had made her uncomfortable. "I'm... going to go make some tea."
"Okay." She nodded slowly.
"Do you want a cup?"
"Sure." She nodded, smiling softly. Her smile, though small, made his hearts flutter a bit. He nodded and went to make the tea. She stayed in the bedroom, closing her eyes for a moment. Tiber slinked into the room and curled next to River.
The Doctor returned after a short while with the tea. "Thanks." She murmured, taking her cup from him.
He nodded and sat next to her. She sipped the tea quietly. They sat quietly for a while, during which Tiber uncurled and draped himself over River's legs. She stroked the cat's back, watching the wall.
The day, like the rest had done, ended up being a quiet one. They moved to the library eventually and neither were hungry enough to bother with lunch when it rolled around. The Doctor took care of Toby's afternoon walk.
River sat in the library for a long time, keeping to herself more than the past few days. The TARDIS tried to keep her doing something, offering book suggestions and organization tasks but she didn't feel like doing much, mostly just sitting, petting the cat.
The Doctor made more tea when he got back from walking Toby.
"How was the walk?" She asked quietly. It was probably the longest sentence she had said all day.
"Alright. Went to a dog park." He handed her a mug. "I think he made a few friends."
She hummed. Tiber momentarily lifted his head to sniff curiously at the tea before resting it again. "Is there anything you want to do?" She asked.
"Well... what have you been doing?"
"Nothing much, just sitting here with the cat."
He looked at Tiber who paid no notice back. "Haven't moved your feet in a while then?" She shook her head. "Would you, em, like to dance a little?"
She immediately tensed, "I'd rather not."
"Alright." He backed off.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, "I just...can't." She whispered. She couldn't find the energy to dance right now.
"It's alright." He repeated softly, sitting next to her. She squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lip. "You alright?" She shook her head. "Anything I can do?"
"I don't know." She whispered, "I don't know how to make this better."
"It's grief. It doesn't get better, just easier." He murmured. "Unfortunately that doesn't usually come with a tangible solution."
She nodded, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to push back the pain.
He reached for her hand and squeezed it. "It's okay to need time and it's okay to not be alright. It's hardly been a week... I'm not going ask you to be alright and you shouldn't ask that of yourself either."
"The baby..." She stopped, unable to continue without getting even more upset.
"I know," he whispered.
"I didn't think I'd ever have to go through this again. I thought losing one child would be enough but apparently not." He nodded his acknowledgment of her words. She sniffed, "Why does this happen to us?"
"I don't know." He put his arm around her. "I don't know."
"It's not fair."
"No, it's not..."
"Why do we continue to help?" She shook her head, tone bitter.
"Because no one deserves pain like this." He said quietly.
"Well I don't want to help anymore." She shook her head.
He was quiet for a moment, wondering if she really meant this or if it was just because the was hurting. "...Alright."
"We should get the kids tomorrow." She whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"Why? Do you think we should wait?" He nodded slowly. "Why?"
"They're going to need us to be... more present for them. I think we need some more time be able to give them that."
She didn't say anything for a few minutes, then nodded. They were quiet again for awhile.
"You mentioned going somewhere earlier?" She finally spoke.
"Yes, I did."
"Did you have somewhere in mind?"
"Em, just somewhere quiet. Hampstead Heath, maybe?"
"Okay." She nodded, getting up to change.
He followed, "I thought you wanted to stay in?"
"I changed my mind." She was rifling through her closet.
"Oh...Alright."
The shuffling stopped after a moment, her body freezing as her eyes came to rest on one of the Doctor's old bowties that had somehow made it's way into her closet.
"What is it?"
She didn't answer, sitting down on the floor, clutching the piece of fabric. He approached, peering over her shoulder. She covered her face with her free hand, her chest feeling tight.
"River..."
She looked up at him. she couldn't be alone right now, but she would never admit that out loud. He met her eyes then slowly kneeled down beside her. She moved closer to him, seeking comfort. He quietly wrapped his arms around her, holding her against his chest.
She relaxed into his arms, "I'm sorry." She breathed, feeling guilty for missing his former face while he was still right in front of her.
"Me too." He said in the same tone, though his apology was for the circumstances his regeneration had been under. She closed her eyes, shaking.
They sat together like that for longer than they realized, time slipping away. River felt better after a while, his arms warm and comforting.
"...Do you still want to go out?" He asked when he felt her relax more.
"If you want." She nodded, needing a distraction.
He helped her stand. She walked with him to the console room. He picked a quiet day to land on.
They stepped out onto the cool air of the Heath. She took a deep breath, taking in the scene. They started walking along the empty paths. A few birds were out here and there, ravens and pigeons for the most part. She held his hand, looking at the birds and other creatures.
By the route and pace they were going, it would take bout an hour to circle back to the TARDIS. The Doctor started off on a facts-ramble relating to the Heath.
After listening to him ramble for a while, she interrupted, "I don't want to have anymore kids."
He looked over at her. "Oh. Was that... not already the plan?"
She looked at him, "I don't know, I guess it was."
"It's not that I wouldn't have been happy to, but after what happened..." He trailed off before continuing. "We have four children. Four beautiful, amazing children. They don't leave much room for want."
She nodded, staring at her feet.
"Penny for your thoughts."
"Just thinking about our children." She murmured.
He nodded his understanding.
They walked until they returned back to the TARDIS, the light in the sky getting dim. The Doctor went to make dinner. River decided to use the time to feed the cats.
She sat at the table. The Doctor was placing down one of her favorite foods. "This looks wonderful." She smiled weakly.
"Thanks." He served them both a portion.
She ate a small portion of it, humming weakly, "Tastes good."
They managed a bit of small talk over dinner, Toby curling up under River's seat. River offered to do the dishes for them once they had finished.
The rest of the evening was spent in the library, after that, doing their go-to activities: reading and playing guitar.