Remus wasn't sure why Sirius was avoiding him, just that he was.
He had noticed it as soon as they had returned from Calluna. He only needed to step foot into the same room as Sirius for the other boy to slink away to whatever dark corner he disappeared into when Remus went looking for him with no luck.
In his secluded cubicle, tucked into a receded alcove of the Hogwarts library, Remus Lupin sighed dejectedly at the sight of his still-blank parchment. The assignment would have been simple enough had he not been so distracted. He had spent the last two days back at Hogwarts in what could only be described as the early stages of emotional implosion. Every time he thought about Sirius, his chest grew tight and he felt as thought his whole existence could crumple into itself.
It hurt more than he cared to admit. If Sirius could grow to hate him, what chance did he gave with James, Peter, or even Dumbledore. Maybe they were beginning to see the parts of him that he tried so hard to drown in daylight.
Winter was always the hardest. The shorter days plunged him so quickly into darkness that it took all his strength not to crawl back into bed and wait for the safe, assuring sunrise.
Nights were rarely safe for him anymore. The nightmares had begun after his first full moon; they had been infrequent and sporadic but now it was every night. He was plagued with horrifying images, more than images, of himself. He changed painfully, hurt innocent people... and even, to his horror, created monsters like himself.
Lately, he would also find himself fantasizing about ending the fear and pain, still with the knowledge that he had not hurt anyone yet. He would imagine walking to the bottom of the lake and relinquishing himself to whatever lurked down there, or more simply, flinging himself off the observatory tower.
He didn't plan on doing either, but those thoughts calmed him when he was at his worst. A fact that sometimes troubled him as must as anything else.
He gave up on the assignment that he had meant to finish over the break, packing up his parchment and quill and tucking the large book on the history of magic education under his arm with some effort. He would be late for his first class if he didn't leave soon, and Defense Against the Dark Arts was the only class that he wasn't fed up with by now.
x x x
"Where's Pads? I haven't seen him all day." James hissed conspiratorially in Remus's ear as Professor Slughorn allowed his students to mill about the potions class looking for partners.
"In bed still I suppose, said he felt sick this morning." Remus felt a twinge of guilt at repeating Sirius's obvious lie, and then a wave of annoyance at both Sirius and himself that he had done it without a second thought.
"Alright... well, I'm pairing with Evans." Remus shrugged at sat by an unclaimed cauldron, then shot a knowing look at James, who smirked and rolled his eyes before rushed off to claim the brilliant Muggle-born girl before anyone else did.
Remus ended up pairing with Clemency Mortimer, a fellow sixth year from Gryffindor. She was nice enough and seemed to know her way around a potions cupboard, but even so they both had trouble with the Draught of Sleeping Death. Every so often Slughorn would pass by and peek into their cauldron and give and ominous 'tsk' that neither felt boded well for their little dormouse taste-tester.
"This is ridiculous" Clemency whispered fervently after the Potions Master's third round, "The class is almost up and it doesn't look anything like the book says. I've got half a mind to quit my N.E.W.T.S if they're going to torture us like this for the next two years, we can't possibly learn anything if they don't give us time to get it right!"
Remus was murmuring in agreement when Slughorn began to splutter praises from across the classroom.
"Magnificent! Just... absolutely... good job my boy!" Slughorn exclaimed. Remus looked up, craning his neck just in time to see Slughorn patting an slightly indignant Severus Snape across the back. Snape looked like he would object at the assault, but settled on a gloating look that seemed to be directed mostly at James and Lily.
"Fifty points to Slytherin. Oh, and Miss Evans. Yes, yours isn't bad at all for a first try, ten points to Gryffindor. Though, I should add that Severus's potion is also far from done..." Slughorn began.
Snape's indignation turned to open disdain as he sensed the beginnings of criticism.
"I'm still simmering it, sir. I would have added the Hellebore in a few minutes, but it seems you haven't left us enough time. Not that your story on how you single-handedly invented the cure for wuzzlepox wasn't absolutely fascinating." A chuckle rippled around the class as students packed up, and Slughorn's elation was visibly dampened as he dismissed them.
Remus caught up with James and Lily as they headed back towards the common room. He could sense that James was more than displeased about Snape, but knew that he would restrain himself in front of Lily, thankfully. Remus just didn't have the energy or will to tag along with James as he taught Snape another 'lesson'.
The trio entered Gryffindor common room, and as Remus was making his way up the stairs leading towards the boy's dormitory, he felt a prickling on the back of his neck that made him turn around just in time to spot Sirius slipping out through the Fat Lady's painting.