Ch 81

"River?" Vastra called softly as she knocked on the bedroom door. The Time Lady hummed in response so Vastra cracked open the door and poked her head inside.

River sat up at the sound of the door opening.

Vastra entered more fully. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay."

She didn't comment on the obvious lie. "Do you mind if I sit?"

"I don't mind."

Vastra placed herself in the chair the Doctor had pulled up before. She could smell the mess of hormones River was, which only supported her hypothesis. "The Doctor told me when happened."

"I thought as much," River murmured, "What did he say about it?"

"That it was terrifying," she breathed. "I can't blame him for that one."

"Blame him?" River seemed dazed, processing slower than usual.

"Figure of speech," Vastra amended. "It would indeed concern me if his reaction was a small one. A lot has happened to you two in the last 48 hours." She glanced at the bandages on River's head. "More than anyone should have to go through in such a short time. His shock is understandable, expected really."

"Yes, I guess you're right. We haven't talked much since it all happened."

"Perhaps you should," she encouraged.

"I don't want to talk to him. There's nothing to talk about."

Vastra didn't argue with her, though she disagreed. "Well, I'm happy to lend an ear if you want it."

"The whole thing just...felt like a nightmare," River sighed.

"Does it still feel like that?" she asked carefully.

"I don't know," she paused. "I'm so...confused. I don't know what I feel."

"River, have you ever had any after effects from the births of your other children?

"Well...there was the...thing with Arthur," River recalled, not really seeing what Vastra was getting at.

"Yes, I suppose," she murmured, though it wasn't the information she was looking for. "And Terra?"

"I don't think so?" River couldn't really remember the aborted timeline as well as her husband.

Vastra nodded once more. "Would you mind telling me, if things had gone... the way you wanted, how would they have gone?"

River was quiet for a minute. "He wouldn't have come early. He would have come when we were ready. We would have been here, in the TARDIS, not on some strange ship. We wouldn't have had to use that...thing that killed William." She put her hand over her mouth, the memory washing over her. Vastra put her hand on River's arm as a motion of comfort. "I wished he hadn't pushed me so much."

This caught Vastra's attention, though she remained quiet. River didn't say anything more, avoiding Vastra's gaze. "Is there anything I can do for you?" She asked after a moment.

"I don't know," River sighed.

"That's alright." She offered a smile. "I'm glad I could be here."

"I'm sorry."

"No need for that, River," she hummed.

"I should be happy, right?"

Vastra didn't say anything for a long moment. "Do you know what PPD is?" River shook her head. "It happens sometimes after a birth, no matter how well or poorly it goes." She started explaining it slowly, avoiding the word 'depression' lest she startled River. "I've seen it many times in many humans. There's a... failure for the body to produce enough oxytocin and regulate other postpartum hormones, which causes confusion and feelings of upset."

"Well, I can't have that. The Time Lord side of my body wouldn't allow that to happen." River shook her head.

"Possibly... but this isn't your first child. Your body's tolerance for the hormone fluctuations has likely changed."

"So...what am I supposed to do about this?" She asked, not knowing what this "diagnosis" meant.

"There are a few things you can do. I would suggest a medication to help balance things, but ultimately it's your choice."

"Have you talked to the Doctor about this?"

"I informed him about my suspicion," Vastra admitted.

River nodded slowly. "Well, we'll have to discuss this."

"Of course. I can bring him in…?"

"Alright," River agreed nodded.

Vastra rose to fetch the Doctor. They were murmuring about the diagnosis when they came back, something close to, "Are you sure?" and, "Yes. My nose doesn't lie to me."

"River and I have been discussing possible treatment," Vastra explained.

The Doctor handed Felix over to Vastra and sat by River. "And?"

"I thought that we should talk about it first," River murmured.

He nodded. "Do you feel like Vastra's right?"

"I don't know," River shook her head, "I feel so, overwhelmed."

"...Maybe we should wait a few days to decide." He suggested, glancing at Vastra.

Vastra nodded, "I do think we need to talk more about what happened when Felix was born." She hadn't forgotten what River had said.

"How do you mean?"

"You two need to talk about Felix's birth. It seems as though it was a very traumatic event for both of you, and you need to discuss any remaining feelings about it before we proceed with anything else."

"I..." He swallowed, looking back at River. Since River had been so deflective about it, he wasn't prepared to have the conversation so soon. "I wish I'd left you at home."

"I wish Missy had never come here." She shook her head.

Vastra moved to the corner of the room with the baby as to make the other two feel like they had more privacy.

"I don't expect you to ever forgive me for letting her," he said. River crossed her arms, looking away from him. His hearts tightened, but really he shouldn't have expected any different reaction. "I'm sorry. You don't have to condone that... but I am sorry."

"It's fine," she whispered.

"It's not fine, River. You and Felix almost died because of my decisions. It was selfish. I was selfish."

"It was my decision to go. I could have stayed home if I wanted to."

"I know." Neither of them could've predicted what Missy would do, but he felt like he should have after what happened the night before. "But I should've been more careful."

She shook her head, "It's my fault. I knew the risks, I had been reading about stress causing preterm labor and I should have taken that into account."

"We couldn't have accounted for the TARDIS malfunctioning." It should've been a quick trip. They should have gone right home to their children who were now being occupied by their uncle at the house.

"I wish that once it all started happening that..." She stopped herself, trying to find a gentler way to phrase what she was trying to say, "It felt like we were out of sync."

He nodded slowly. "How so?"

"It felt like there was a distance between us. I felt like Missy had a better understanding of what I needed when I was in labor." She tried to phrase it as gently as possible.

"Oh." He said quietly, recalling Missy's surprising helpfulness and letting the realization sink in. "I... oh."

River fell silent again. He wanted to apologize again but felt like sorry was the wrong thing to say and there wasn't exactly a clear way to make up for what already happened. "I should've been there for you."

"It's not your fault. Felix needed the attention." River understood that he did what needed to be done, but she wished things could have gone differently.

"He's in the clear now." He said in the same tone. "And whatever happens next, I'm going to be there for you."

She nodded slowly, "I know."

Felix started whining in the corner, reminding them that Vastra was still there. River looked a bit startled by the baby's cry, "He's probably getting hungry."

The Doctor nodded. "I tried to give him formula while you were sleeping. He didn't like it."

"I can feed him." she offered, holding her arms out to take him.

Vastra came over and lowered Felix into her arms.

"Hello, my love," she murmured, kissing his forehead. Felix seemed to calm down a little, still fussing a bit. "Let's get you fed, hmm?" River seemed a bit more relaxed than before as she got him started on feeding.

Felix calmed down immediately once he was nursing.

"We're going to have to introduce him to his brother and sisters soon," River said.

"What are we going to tell them about your head?"

"I don't know… We could tell them a variation of the truth I suppose."

The Doctor nodded, knowing the girls were too clever to fall for anything else. They wouldn't need to mention Missy, though.

"When should we get them?"

"Not until you feel you're ready." He recalled her saying she wanted some time.

"Do they know about the baby?"

"No. I told Jack to just tell them we were having trouble with the TARDIS."

"Okay, good." She muttered.

"I think I'll put on some tea." Vastra murmured, excusing herself.

"How are you feeling?" River asked the Doctor, watching the baby.

He looked slightly surprised by the question. He wanted to say guilty, but instead said, "Like I'm coming off a rollercoaster."

She nodded in understanding. "He looks like you."

"Does he?" He peered over at their son who was now done eating in favor of napping.

"He has your eyes and your nose." She pointed out.

"Your hair, your mouth." He added with a small smile.

She smiled weakly, "I think he looks more like you than he looks like me."

"It that a good thing?"

She shrugged, "I think it's a good thing."

Felix yawned and opened his eyes briefly to peer up at his parents. River smiled weakly, "Hello there, my love."

Tired. He thought.

"Sleep." She soothed, and looked up at the Doctor, "What to hold him?"

He nodded as Vastra returned with a tray of tea and scones. River gently passed their son over to the Doctor as Vastra placed the tray on the nightstand. She offered a cup to each adult.

"Thank you." River murmured.

Vastra smiled at them and looked at Felix. "He's beautiful, River. I'm glad he's alright."

"Thank you." She smiled, "He was worth all the trouble."

"Does he have a middle name?" She asked.

"Not yet." River shook her head, "We still have to think of one."

"What have you thought of so far?"

"I don't know. We haven't really discussed it much. Though Arthur is hoping it'll be Jack."

Vastra looked pleased with that suggestion, while the Doctor appeared less so.

"Do you have any other ideas?" River looked at her husband.

"Well, er, no. Not yet..."

"Well, we do need to think of one eventually," River sighed.

"If you don't like Jack, perhaps a variation of it might suit better. Like Jacob or Jackson?" Vastra offered.

"That could work." River nodded, "Felix Jacob Song?"

"I like that." The Doctor nodded.

River smiled softly, "So it's a compromise then."

"It's lovely." Vastra hummed.

Much of the rest of the day was spent watching over the little baby as he napped. He woke up a few times, the longest of which was used to nurse again and stare in fascination at a lock of his mother's hair.

The adults decided that River would be put on medication for the next week to try and get her hormones in balance and that the other Song children would be introduced to their brother the next day.

Vastra took the invitation to stay the night and later helped the Doctor move the cot into his room so Felix could stay near his parents while they slept.