Everyone relaxed in exhaustion, now that it was finally over.
Rick scrubbed a hand down his tired face, before turning to look at the others; standing from his crouched position to wander back towards his family.
"What the Hell were you thinking!?" Glenn fired off, startling me.
"That, was stupidly dangerous." Dale chimed in.
I agree it was a stupid move— but… I can't be sorry for it. I wasn't gonna let Glenn get bit, even if it had been my bare arm.
That's not a risk I will ever be willing to take.
I gave an apologetic look. I'm not proud of scaring them.
I got lucky, and you've only got so much of that.
I should have used my blade. I should've put the blade in it's mouth, not my arm. It was careless and idiotic, I know.
I should have thought it through. My dying doesn't help anyone; It's selfish to think otherwise. Just because I'd rather it be me, doesn't mean it should be any of us.
However I'd rather not get rung out further, if I can at all avoid it.
Clasping his outstretched hand, Glenn helped me to my feet. I gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze; hoping it put his concern to rest, though I know it's not likely to.
Hershel's family started to leave, and I gave Glenn a little push. Until he was trailing after them.
I know he wants to be there for Maggie— he should. I don't know her well and I'm not gonna claim to, but I recon, right about now she could use someone.
Shane went after them, no doubt to start something, like he always has to; Rick going after him.
I moved to follow but stopped, glancing at the others; who all look at a loss with themselves.
This is where I'm needed. Rick will have to handle Shane on his own.
I drew in a deep breath, straightening myself up and walked back to Carl and Lori.
"I thought I'd find her" Carl's solemn voice reached my ears as I came to a stop just in front of them.
"We all did" Lori looked at her hands in her lap, picking at the edges of her fingernails.
"I mean me. That I'd be the one."
Both mine and Lori's eyes drew to him.
"Maybe she was hiding somewhere. In a cave or in a tree. She'd be safe, and I'd find her and bring her back."
He wanted to be the hero; just like his dad.
"He did the right thing. Shooting her like that." He looked down at his hands clasped together around his knees where they rested in front of him.
I stared at Carl, mouth parting. A part of me mourned the loss of his childhood; there are too many amongst us who've had those days stolen from us.
I had hoped Carl would have at least a little more time to be a kid. I should have known better. This is what being a kid gets you.
It's not as if I know what childhood should be like, anyhow.
One thing I do know though. Carl is too young to have to carry the burden of understanding a mercy killing.
"I'd have done it too"
My eyes widened, at Carl.
I looked at Lori, and she stared back; my expression mirrored in her own.
"Dale?" Lori looked to my side, past me.
"Yeah?" Dale's weary voice answered.
I glanced over my shoulder at him. This being one of the few times I've seen him without his hat, when the sun's out.
"Could you take Carl up to the house?" Lori glanced at her son.
Dale nodded, coming over to my left.
"I want you to rest" Lori stroked down the hair on the back of Carl's head.
"Okay" Carl nodded.
I extended my hand, helping him up and watched him go off with Dale.
My gaze fixed on Shane as he came storming back. He passed us, heading closer to his masterpiece of chaos; down by Andrea who stood, after having laid a blanket over Sophia.
When or how she got that, I don't know, but I'm grateful she has.
Rick came up, not a moment later, dropping the Sheriff's cap onto Carl's head as he passed the kid.
I reached my hand out and helped Lori stand as Rick passed us, looking at the corpses.
"Want us to start burying?" T-Dog turned towards Rick from beside Andrea, as those of us still here, gathered to deal with the aftermath.
The only ones who could stand to stay being myself, Lori, T, Andrea, Jimmy, and Rick & Shane having just returned. Everyone else either couldn't keep themselves here any longer, or is looking after those who need it right now.
"We need a service. Carol would want that." Andrea piped up.
"Yeah, we all want that" T shifted his weight on his feet, closer to the blonde, as her eyes flickered down.
I looked at Rick next to me, who looks like he's not even here. Lovely.
It's unusual for him to not be paying attention. It's understandable that he's got something on his mind but what could be so important it can't wait for us to finish, well— funeral arrangements.
I scraped my bottom lip between my teeth and looked at Lori, raising one eyebrow.
Seeming to know what I was getting at, she shifted her hands out of her pockets.
"Let's— let's dig a grave for Sophia, and Annette and Shawn uh...over by those trees." she pointed to a small group of trees standing alone just apart of the forest line.
"And we'll need a truck to move the bodies." her voice wavered for a moment, obviously not used to being in charge when Rick's present, but she's good at directing what needs to be done. I'll give her that.
I suppose you can't be married to a leadership-bound person like Rick without picking up a few things.
"I'll get the keys" Jimmy started to move but Shane stuck out his arm, stopping the kid.
"No no. I got the truck." the officer stalked off with his hands resting on his belt.
I watched him, turning to keep him in my line of sight until he was a good distance.
"And the others? That's a lot a digging." Jimmy spoke again.
"We bury the ones we love, and burn the rest." Andrea answered.
I still don't understand people's want to be buried. Maybe it's bias, I'm not exactly the fondest of enclosed spaces, but I always thought it was weird.
I'd rather be burned like ancient kings, not rotting in the ground as maggot food; decaying for centuries— or however long it takes.
"Okay, let's get to work." Lori set everyone into motion, dispersing the gathering.
I focused on Rick, nudging him back to the present with my elbow.
He turned, eyes locking onto mine as I gave him the 'what's goin on' look I seem to be mastering as of late. One of my eyebrows has been getting quite the workout from it.
Lori took Rick by the side, motioning my follow with a tilt of her head and we moved just a bit away from the others who were headed off to their self-assigned jobs.
"What did Hershel say?" Lori whispered.
"He wants us off the farm." Rick answered in a tone of equal volume. "Or Shane at least."
Can't say I blame him.
"That's not a surprise." Lori shook her head, glancing at her dusty boots.
"We're lucky someone wasn't killed, and all that gunfire— more walkers could'a heard."
I watched Rick, waiting for his response but the blank borderline distressed look he's sporting is strange.
I've never seen him make a face like that before now. Lori seemed to notice too.
"Baby, what is it?"
Rick shifted, taking a deep but fatigued breath. "She was there, all the time."
"And you did everything you could." Lori's tone made my eye twitch. I know you're tryna help, and you've probably had this type of conversation with Rick before, but I'mma be honest with you. That sounded more than a little patronizing.
"Yeah I know. I always do, don't I?" Rick looked at the dirt, hands set on his holster belt, voice grainy and heavy with guilt.
"Went after her, protected her. But she still got bit —and Carl, still got shot." Rick gestured with his hand in no particular direction other than 'away' from the conversation.
"Mm-hmm" Lori nodded, showing she understood and was still listening.
Somehow I feel like I'm intruding on this conversation. Maybe I should just— go. This seems like a 'couple' conversation.
"People counting on me and I had 'em chasing a ghost in a forest." Rick's voice came close to breaking on the last word.
Whoa, hold up. What?
Lori reached out, touching his cheek. "Hey"
Rick pulled away from her hand, not in a sudden or violent retreat but enough to make her withdraw her hand.
Rick backpedalled and started towards the house before Lori could say another word.
Lori turned, with a distressed exhale and looked at me.
I put my hand on her shoulder, trying to convey my intention but my next action will be enough even if I didn't get my point across with this.
I jogged after Rick, who was already halfway to the house, and grabbed his shoulder to stop him.
He clenched his jaw but stopped nonetheless.
"Chasing a ghost? As opposed to what?" I gave him a chance to give me a reason but the obvious set of his jaw was enough answer to that.
"Abandoning a child and telling her mother, I'm sorry about your timid, terrified 12 year old but she's probably dead so we're just gonna assume she is and take off, because we can't be bothered to keep looking. Even though we've got pretty much nothing else to do."
Rick shifted, a bit uncomfortable; the startled action reminding me of Daryl. It's surprising that I'm actually getting used to this reaction whenever I open my trap.
However, it doesn't seem like he's gonna himself out of this self-loathing with just that.
"Rick, you made the right call. Even if the result wasn't what we wanted."
"How can you say that? When she died out there because a me— because I left her alone?" He looked at me, dumbfounded. His tone the definition of incredulous.
"And if she had been alive? Would you still be moping, about looking for her all this time? Would you still think it was a mistake? Or would you be thanking God you didn't give up?"
He stared at me, deeper thought flicking through his eyes; but not unattentive, as it had been earlier.
"You think Carol, or anyone else here would have forgiven you —or ourselves— if she had been and we all just gave up before knowing for certain. You think we could of lived with that? That it wouldn't have eaten away at what's left of our consciences 'till there was nothin' left?"
I watched the muscles in his face contract in a million different ways, giving away the internal conflict I was creating. He knows I'm right, I know he does. Those pinched lines between his brow tell me so.
"Life is a vicious place full of cruel outcomes, but you are not to blame, Rick. Stop doubting yourself, or they will start to. And they can't take that right now." I pointed back the way we came, even though most of the group has broken off from there by now, Lori included. We are the only two left out here.
Rick looked at me in the eyes again for the first time since he diverted them after I started scolding him.
"If you spin off, who's gonna keep them safe? Shane? The guy who wanted to give up looking for a lil' girl because he couldn't be bothered anymore? Who put the entire population of this farm in jeopardy because he couldn't take two minutes to think through exactly what his actions would entail? —The peril his decision could bring down on us all?"
"Don't be such a fool. You won't always win —no one does, not even gods." I put both my hands on his shoulders, forcing his eyes to mine.
"Rick there's a reason we follow your lead. We trust you because when it counts, you step up. Regardless of how things turn out."
He breathed deep, glancing at his shoes again but this time they didn't stay there for more than a few seconds; coming back up to meet mine, with that defeat all but a shadow in the iris.
"What's done is done. Death isn't gonna stop looming just because you feel bad. You have to decide now, whether to let yourself be destroyed by things that can't be changed, or to keep going in spite of them. If not for yourself, for the ones you care about."