A/N - Thanks for the reviews :)
So, this chapter is a little shorter than intended. I've already got the next chapter half-written and plan to post on Friday.
Also, it's unbetaed so I may have missed some mistakes.
The room is clear now. Eri's opinion of Hope gets higher, if that's even possible. It's as if she's realised that he's panicked over something or that he needs his space all of a sudden. But somehow, she's got everyone out and it's just him and Remus.
They're sitting on the bed together, their arms so close that they are touching. Eridanus can feel the material from Remus' cardigan against his skin. He likes the texture of it, it's soft and he knows he's always going to think of Remus when he sees cardigans because Remus has worn one every visit without fail. The thought makes him want to smile, but he can't bring himself to.
"You're sad again," Remus notes. His voice is low as though they are trying not to be heard, but the room is empty. Maybe Remus is so caught up in him that he's not realised that people have left. Maybe he's trying to be comforting.
Eri keeps his own voice low too. It makes the conversation more intimate somehow.
"I'm not sure if I can put it into words," he says softly. "Or if there's anything to put into words. It might be all in my head."
Remus' lips curve as Eri chuckles. "It's good something is in my head," he adds jokingly. "But…" he pauses though he knows Remus wants to hear this, he knows Remus will listen and not judge.
Maybe Remus will have some sort of explanation. Even if he doesn't, it'll be nice to voice his worries to his friend. Because friends told each other these things… he thinks. He's not quite sure about what things friends do.
And there it is again. That feeling.
"For what it's worth, you still look gorgeous when you pull all of those weird faces," Remus teases, causing Eridanus' lips to curve up once more and drawing him out of his melancholy. Maybe he's being vain, but he likes when Remus says nice things about him. Plus, he likes to know that Remus thinks he's gorgeous. Eri might not be used to this face yet - maybe it'll never feel right - but at least Remus likes it.
"You should pull some too," Eri insists. "Though I know nothing could make you look any less perfect." He wins because Remus' cheek redden faster than ever. It's the most adorable thing he's has ever seen in his life… or in the last two weeks.
"Your mum talked before about muscle memory," he blurts out, feeling a little awkward at his previous comment. He's not supposed to go on about how perfect Remus is - he's trying to maintain a friendship and telling Remus he's perfect (even if it's true) is dangerously close to Eri telling Remus that he's perfect for Eri.
Remus looks sidetracked for a brief moment, before recalling that his friend was sad a moment ago. The shy expression fades, though the cheeks stay red. He nods, wanting Eri to continue. He looks very focused as though whatever Eri has to say is the most important thing ever.
"She explains it's why I know how to do certain things. Like… brushing my hair for example. On the day I was given a hairbrush, I instinctively knew what to do. I don't have a single memory of brushing my hair, yet I knew. The same with brushing my teeth and getting dressed and… talking, understanding. I don't have memories of learning to talk, but I can do it... well, you get it. There are memories still in there, somewhere. Things I haven't forgotten, even though there are no memories of them." He pauses for a moment, trying to find a way to express what actually worries him.
"And you want help recovering those?" Remus asks when the silence goes on for more than a minute.
"I…" Eri's thrown for a moment. Yes, but that's not what he's after right this moment. "We can come back to that." He can only focus on one thing at a time, and that's a whole other conversation. "It's not just muscle memory though, right? Something inside remembers things. It's why certain things cause emotions that I can't otherwise explain… right? Are you with me?"
Remus slowly nods. "You mean like… a scent might be really familiar, but you know you've not smelt it since arriving here? So you're sure it has to be from your past? Deja-Vu moments too?"
Eri nods. "Yes! Well, something like that."
"Do you wish to share what emotions? Maybe we can work this out."
Eri takes a deep breath, and it feels heavy as it leaves. "The first isn't today… it's from the start of my time here. After meeting your mum and finding out she had a son my age, I was really jealous. Before I met you of course - because you deserve a brilliant mum like Hope. But when I heard that, I told myself I must have been jealous because I wanted my mother here… but I don't think that was the case. My jealousy was because someone else got to have such a nice mum. Remus, I get the feeling that my mum isn't anything like yours."
Remus' hand finds his, offering silent support. Eri had been a little worried that Remus would be annoyed with him for being jealous like that, but Remus was being beautifully supportive as usual.
"There are little things like that, but today was the… the most," Eri continues. "Situations like talking to the doctor. That felt… normal. Like I've spoken to doctors before. The room here feels a little familiar, though there's something slightly off that I can't determine why. So I suspect I've been in hospital before. But… the party. Remus, I don't think I've ever had a birthday party."
Remus remains silent and Eri turns his head, finding Amber eyes fixed on him. There's no pity there, thankfully, just a pensive look as Remus considers what hes been told.
"I mean, I could be wrong. Maybe I had them as a kid and teenage… whoever I was, decided that he was too old for parties, so they stopped feeling familiar? Maybe there's a reason. But… but then I hugged you and you hugged me and it was like I couldn't breathe. It felt like nothing else, like I had never felt anyone hold me before. I mean… everyone's been hugged before, right?"
Remus nods. The pensive look is gone now and worry fills his eyes. "Did you not like it? I can keep a distance if you're uncomfortable with it."
Eri quickly shakes his head. That's the opposite of what he wants. "Please don't," he quickly replies before Remus can settle into that idea. He likes the feel of Remus' arms around him, even if it does cause an overwhelming flurry of emotions, ranging from panic at the unfamiliarity and what that means, to the delight of someone holding him and it being Remus and just being that close to the person he… well… he doesn't want to try and name this feeling just yet.
"Maybe it's all wrong," Eri continues slowly, trying to make sense of his own words. "My brain is obviously broken because it's hiding my life from me. So it could be messing with me now, but what if… I mean, my parents haven't come to find me. I think if my mum was like Hope, she'd have found me within hours of me arriving here. It's not like I'm being moved around. Social Services, the police… they all know my location so if my mother was trying to find me, she'd have managed. Its been weeks after all. I was found with nothing to identify me. If I got here by myself, I'd have something to show for it. A train ticket, a receipt, any evidence at all. But there's nothing. It felt like my first party - and not because it's my first party in this new life - and I crave touch so badly that my skin hurts and I can't breathe. This isn't normal."
Remus shifts closer. The hand that was on Eri's wraps around him and pulls him tightly. "I've got you there," Remus promises. "I won't ever stop you if you want a hug or to hold hands or to… just sit together. Whatever touch you need, I'm here."
"I'm going to have my life here," Eri's voice is quieter. He feels drained just by the thoughts running through his head. He's leaning on Remus now, his head on Remus' shoulder and it's helping. "I do want to find out the truth - I want to know why they don't love me enough to search for me. I want to know why they abandoned me. Why they… they hate me." He pauses. Hate. That thought had never actually crossed his mind, yet he hadn't been able to stop himself saying it. It was like his lips knew something his brain had forgotten. "I want the truth. I want to know where I came from, and maybe I'm wrong about all of this… but my life is starting here, today, in Wales. I'm making that choice."
"What can I do to help?" Remus checks. He's not even trying to hide the small smile from the end of Eri's declaration. He likes the idea of Eri staying in Wales.
"I don't think there's much more besides this," Eri admits. "This helps. You help so much already. Just by being my friend. This is what friends do, right? I have a… a feeling that I've not had a friend before."
"Real friends are there for each other through anything and everything," Remus says, and there's something in his voice that Eri doesn't understand. "Real friends accept everything about each other, no matter what."
"We're real friends," Eri murmurs. There isn't a single thing Remus could tell him that would make him turn his back. Remus could be a serial killer and Eri would merely burn the blood-soaked clothes for him and provide alibis. Eri was in this for the long run, though he did hope that no-one turned out to be a serial killer. It just meant that there was a risk he could lose Remus.
"I hope so," Remus replies.
"We are. I mean, if you became a serial killer, I'd still be here. I'd have to learn to use the washing machine though so I can hide evidence that you hurt people. Just hurt bad people, okay?"
Remus laughs and Eri can't help but join in. "It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud," he adds. "I can't imagine you ever hurting anyone, Rem, but that's how much you matter to me - how much I value your friendship. I'd do anything to protect you."
Remus' arm tightens and Eri feels like the hug isn't just for him anymore. Remus needs this comfort too. He realises with a start that Remus has agreed to be his best friend. Remus is making all of this time for him, which means that Remus doesn't have any friends either.
Though Remus has parents who love him, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel lonely too.
Eri shifts, turning his body so he can wrap Remus in a hug instead. He's going to need Remus a lot from here on out, but now he's coming to understand his friend a little better and he can be more of what Remus needs too.
Remus clings to him and it's not the Remus he's seen before. This is the vulnerable Remus in his arms, the one who needs him. He'll accept all parts of his friend without fuss. Right now, there's nowhere he'd rather be than here. Given the option of being with his real family or with Remus, he'd choose the latter because somehow they are both the same deep down inside. They need each other. He would never choose to be away from Remus because Remus needs him.
Eri realises that with each day, this relationship is changing. Only that morning, he wouldn't have thought he'd see the vulnerable side of Remus like this. But something has changed again, meaning that Remus feels he can show Eri this side of him. Maybe it's a one-off, or maybe it'll happen again. Either way, Eri's seen a side to Remus that he's sure not many people have seen. This is the Remus that needs protecting, and that's Eri's job now.
He clings back.
Hope you enjoy :)