Saarebas - "The Dangerous Thing"

Chapter 7:

Done sulking yet?

It was the voice inside my head, Lucas, talking again. He'd been with me for months now, sneaking into my head and dreams. I'd been taking out my feelings on the field with a pick and hoe. I was miles ahead of everyone else and still had energy and rage to burn.

I said are you done sulking yet?

My only response was to bring my pick down hard on a stone that was in my path it shattered into tiny pieces, much the same way I wish I could have done with that demon, Lucas.

You know I can hear that, right? And stop referring to me as "that demon".

That first night had been awful. When I woke my cheeks were wet with tears. I'd gotten up to tell anyone about what was wrong with me, but every time I tried, my abilities to move and act were taken from me. I'd fought so hard in those first few days that for too long he was the one controlling me until my resolve wore down. After that, he allowed me movement and speech again, but any time I showed signs of trying to speak or otherwise communicate that I was a Saarebas he stepped forward and I helpless. Since then, I'd been doing my best to ignore him. There was still hope that someone would notice and do what they could to remove this other being from me. More and more he was speaking to me, whoever he or it was, always pointing out the folly of remaining with the Qun.

You can't hide your gift forever, you remember their saying, right "As does a drowning man know the sea, so does a mage know magic " If we continue like this you'll soon drown.

"Not if I stop whistling for the rest of my life." I said through clamped teeth to an empty field.

See, you do realize I'm here after all. Now stop pouting. I can help.

I did my best to ignore him. On and on it went as I worked my way up the line. That'd been one victory I'd been able to deny him, any time he tried to run away, not do his duty to the Qun, or abandon my way of life I was able to take control. It wasn't much, but at least I had that to show for my battle. When I finished my line I started helping the others.

Mayflower came over with a glass of water. "Whistler, You're making remarkable progress. Why not take a break and rest for a while?"

"No thank you. I have energy that can be better used towards the betterment of the Qun."

And a hatred towards yourself for what you are.

"Are you okay? I haven't you whistling in months. Isn't that the whole point of your nickname?"

"When you're preparing a field for planting there's little breath left."

You sound like you almost believe it. Bravo! That was one of your best lies you've told yet and I didn't even need to help you with it.

Her smile was warm as she handed me the glass. "Please, sit. Enjoy a break and let your fellow Athlok catch up."

I took it and smiled back, draining it quickly to appease her.

"Want another?"

"No thank you, Mayflower. I'll sit for a time, then start again."

She patted me on the shoulder, then walked away. I sat in the freshly turned soil, letting the breeze cool me. Automatically, my lips made to whistle and I only just managed to stop myself in time.

Good catch. Last thing we need's another miracle plant. That'd get the Ashkaari breathing down our neck again.

"Her name was Scribe, and she was just trying-" but I bit off the rest.

Careful. You keep talking to yourself that way, and they'll send you to be healed. How long do you think it will take them before they spot what's wrong with you? Even a misdiagnosis could be dangerous to us.

I gritted my teeth and spoke without moving my lips, "Then stop talking to me so much."

And just like that, I felt the voice in my head, Lucas, retreated back a step.

Okay, for now…

Demon.

I heard that!

I continued my day, more or less uninterrupted by any thoughts other than my own. When dinner came, I sat alone. I'd been doing what I could to distance myself from Nimble and the others, per the urging of Lucas. It'd been easy so far as he'd been out in the field, getting advanced training as a Ben-Hasarrath, but tonight they'd returned. When he saw me Nimble made a B-line toward my table.

"Whistler, it's been a while!"

"Yes, it has."

He cocked his head at an angle. "A little too long, is everything alright?"

Watch yourself.

"Oh, just exhausted after a long day in the field. The life of an Athlok can't always be about planting and harvesting. Sometimes it involves manual labor."

"Then it's a good thing you aren't in the Ben-Hassrath. For the 'Heart of the Many' we sure to do a lot of labor ourselves. The instructor had us running courses today while reciting Qun law. If you want a long day, try that!"

I laughed. It was good talking to Nimble, Ben-Hassrath or not, possible possession or not.

"What's the matter, can't keep up? And here I thought your nickname was Nimble. What do they call you now, Big Horn?"

He reached up to touch them. They were coming in fast. "They itch like a son of a bitch! I need some horn balm for them. Speaking of nicknames not fitting anymore, when was the last time I heard you whistling?"

Both Lucas and I moved into mental attention, but I was still the one speaking.

"I don't sound as good anymore as I use to before puberty. You're behind the times, Nimble, or are you still thinking that teacher needs to instill the values of the Qun in us?"

"You've got me there. How many years has it been now since we were given our roles?"

I shrugged. "Does it matter? We have the rest of our lives now to live with them."

"Yeah? And how's yours treating you?"

"Better than yours."

"Not all of us can be living it up in the fields, drinking while they work."

"It's water I'm drinking, and no picnic either."

He pounded the table with his fists and laughed heartily. "Whistler, I have missed you. Speaking of drinking, want to grab a glass of ale?"

"It may have been a few years since we've been in class, but aren't we still a little young for that? Besides, the Qun preaches against excess."

"I'm not saying we need to get drunk, just that a glass right now would do us good."

I thought about it.

Don't do it. The last thing you need is to loosen your tongue.

"Okay, but one glass only."

You fool! What ARE you doing?

I ignored it and took a glass with him. The stuff was bitter, strong, and had a familiar taste as it went down.

"I think I've had this before. The Ashkaari gave me a glass to settle my nerves."

"An Ashkaari prescribed you ale for your nerves? That's all it takes to get more, nerves?"

"If you call a near panic attack nerves, then sure, big guy."

"And what do you have to panic about?"

A lot, actually.

Yes, and you're only compounding your troubles by drinking.

I sidestepped the question my tipping the last of the ale down my throat, more out of anger and frustration towards the presence in my head than out of actual desire for it. It was hard to get past the warmth and after-burn. Nimble was all smiles as he put his empty glass down.

"I say lets have another round, don't you?"

This time, both Lucas and I were in agreement.

"No way. I can already feel my head swimming."

"That's a good thing. It'll make a man out of you."

"Gee, and here I thought I was already one. Maybe I should talk to a Tamassran about a new role and gender assignment."

"Keep up that behavior and I'll drag you there myself."

"Perfect, I can be your first practical training assignment on re-education."

His smile veered off friendly and into some unknown territory. "You want me to, buddy. I can see it in your eyes."

Whistler! You are dancing too close to the fire! Wake up and pay attention or I'll start taking charge more and more like I did before?

Now I was angry, not at Nimble, but the presence inside me.

"Are all demons this bad?"

… But I hadn't said that in my head, I'd said it out loud.

Nimble put his drink down and swallowed. "What?"

Fool! Stupid, stupid fool!

I felt Lucas come forward as the mental wall turned. He spoke through my lips, the voice coming out was casual and relaxed. "I'm talking about you, Nimble. You're a demon if ever there were one, coaxing me into bad behaviors and making comments like that!" I felt my lips curling into an identical smile to his, then I was back.

There! And if I hadn't intervened as I had we'd both be marching towards the blacksmith to be fitted for a mask and shackles! Are you happy?

I wasn't, but Nimble was, and for his sake I tried to enjoy the rest of our dinner banter.

He likes you, and you like him. Or was it the Ashkaari, Scribe that you had the hots for. Guess you have a thing for horns, huh?

I ignored his comment and just tried to enjoy myself. Nimble threw his arm around my shoulder.

"Don't ever change, Whistler. I like you just the way you are."

Funny, that's exactly what I want to do more than anything else right now: change.