AN: Okay, important talk to start with. Let's get this over with. Reptiles, birds and primates…
Non-sentient in Zootopia. Not sentient (and in one case regularly hunted) in Fantastic Mr Fox. But sentient in Aggretsuko and so many more, with amphibians joining in on occasion to make things more annoying.
Now, I could revert to the highest standards, and have non-sentient birds, reptiles and apes… But that means dropping frickin' Washimi and Gori. Worse, in series 2, two incredibly important characters are planned to come in who are not mammals.
So, just have all those guys as sentient too, right?
Well, in 'Different' I utterly wrote myself into a corner there, given the importance of hunting and raising birds to the fox family.
Now, originally I planned to get around it all with what I called the Schrödinger solution. In essence, the sentience varied depending on which IP you were viewing from. In short, Retsuko could introduce Judy to a talking Washimi in one of her fics, and in the next Nick would take her to a zoo and they'd see a falconer working with a secretary bird. I also called this the 'Allo-Allo' method, based around a popular british sitcom about french resistance fighters. In it, the characters (speaking in english) were canonically speaking in french. However this presented a problem in regards to the two RAF airmen who they had to perpetually try and smuggle home, and who canonically couldn't speak a word of french. The solution was the main cast doing their usual french-english in a slight french accent, the airmen speaking english-english in very large ham upper class toff accents, and thus neither side understanding each other without a translator. The hilarity was doubled with the character Officer Crabtree, a british secret agent posing as a gendarme, who could speak 'french' but very poorly (his famous catchphrase being 'Good Moaning').
Anyway, this solution sounded great on paper, and I was going to have a ton of fun with it… But then the doubts began coming in. It was complex, hard to explain, etc… In the end, I decided to adopt a different solution, which I call the 'Amended Fox Point' model.
Now, Fox Point was a fantastic Zootopia-Sly crossover, and in its lore there were sentient mammals as well as non-sentient ones (with Dawn at one pointing ending up in a pile of non-sentient cows dung). It was a bit odd at first, but I felt that once used to it you could roll with it, and there being sentients and non-sentients is a good solution to the issue with the Fantastic Mr Fox lore.
So, in this AU series, the background is this:
1: In the past, an event caused some members of all species (Mammal, reptile, bird, amphibian) to gain sentience, though the rest remained as they were, in effect creating two different species out of each one that was pre-existing.
2: With mammals, the sentient ones soon wiped out the non-sentient ones, them being competition. Very few non-sentient mammals survive to this day, with mammals being the majority of sentient lifeforms on the planet.
3: Reptiles were more a mixed bag. Sentient snakes, having no means to use their intelligence, died out while non-sentients survived. There are also some species, where the original was already excellently adapted, where both varieties survived. You can get sentient and non-sentient crocodiles for instance. However, due to their cold blood, sentient reptiles were at a disadvantage to mammals. In hotter climates sentient ones are not too uncommon but globally I'd say mammals make up 85% of sentients, reptiles 10%.
4: With birds (who evolved grasping feathers as digits), sentience rarely gave many benefits. Sentient birds still exist, making up just shy of 5% of sentients, but most are non-sentient. Birds are the most common form of non-fish wildlife in this story by far, while chickens and ratites (ostriches, emus, etc.) are commonly farmed (sentient examples of each do exist, and are okay with it). Arguably, the most successful bird cultures would be those established on remote islands and such. Native new-zealand birds (Kiwis, Keas, Moas etc.) might take up a role in their country similar to the Maori, while I can imagine the pacific island peoples being birds (There could potentially be an antarctic republic led be penguins too, idk.)
5: The tiny sliver left could be the few amphibians that made it, such as the axolotl that works with Retsuko.
6: Zootopia, being a fairly recent (last few centuries) city, was settled by pioneers, in particular mammal pioneers. Many places have variances in the numbers that settle there, and while it got an average pred-prey ratio, very few primates were involved or interested in moving to that region. For a long time it was too north for reptiles to be interested too (though I can see more moving to Sahara square).
7: People say mammals a lot as 99-98% of the time they're right (and also lazy). Ditto for referring to non-sentient birds as birds (Sentient ones often have the prefix added to distinguish them). Non-mammal species in the developed world and most of the developing do have equal rights and such.
Anyway, all caught up? Good! Right, onwards.
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Sidenote: I'm publishing today as I've got lots of stuff to do, and I want to clear my schedule for tomorrow given that a minecraft server I play on updated recently. It got me thinking about update dates. Tuesdays work for me, but would you guys prefer different dates? If so, just say.
Anyway, onwards! (For real this time)
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Chapter 3:
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Walking out of the subway station, Judy followed the directions on her phone's Zoogle Maps app, leading Nick towards the main Sahara square theatre district. They strolled along the wide sweeping plaza that surrounded the palm hotel, water fountains dancing in the pool at its base, all while passing line after line of big-name venues. Taking a sidestreet, they turned into the older parts of the district, the streets narrower and taller, with smaller side theatres sprouting out here and there. The fox, following on, smiled as they passed them, flicking the aviators off his head and slipping them into his trouser pocket. "The art house district..." he began, Judy getting a pre-emptive grin on her muzzle. "This can…"
There was a pause, Nick mentally stopping himself, a little smile and nod of success flashing on his muzzle as he did so. "This might be interesting, let's see what he's like."
"Yes," she replied, her ears drooping back a bit. Turning a corner, she carried on with renewed vigour, the fox behind her curious as they seemed to leave the trendy part of the district. He even had to get his specs out again, slipping them on, as they emerged onto a bright four-lane street that marked the edge of the traditional arts area. On a roll, he held back the urge to make a witty remark, even if ones about both the area they were in and the sense of direction in bunnies sprung into and out of his head.
He grumbled.
This sucked.
Still, this was something that he had to do he reminded himself. Keep cutting off the little things until he learned how to give up this act entirely, and the world would see a good fox return.
A brand new Nick! (Enjoy that new Nick smell while it lasts!)
"Here we are Slick!"
Looking up, Nick took in the sight before him with intrigue. They were on a generic major road, with generic palm trees lining it and generic modern stucco and glass buildings running along it. Yet, right between an unassuming orange and glass store and a banal looking glass office building, was a tall, thin and ornate theatre. The entire architecture of the place seemed off, looking like something more in place in Tundratown or the Vatican than tucked away in Sahara Square. Built out of some bright white stone of some kind, it had two round columns rising up either side of the entrance canopy, going all the way to the roof. In the centre of the facade were some gold decorations, flanked by a tall and narrow window either side, and topped by what almost seemed like a bird bath. It was at the top of the building, however, that the theatre really became out of place. The entire facade was crowned with a whole set of ornate baroque detailings, complete with statues of lyres and all sorts. All in all, it was a very pretty building, but as a born-and-bred Zootopian, Nick couldn't help but feel that it was completely out of place in this part of town.
"Anything going on up in there, Nick?"
"Just wondering if I should have been an architecture critic," he mused, before pausing… "Nah, that one was fine."
He and Judy both smiled as they walked in. Climbing up the steps, under the awnings (the billboard on it stating that it was closed for practice), the bunny paused as she saw the sorry state that some of the stone and plasterwork was in.
"Just a sign of character," Nick said genuinely with a smile. Judy looked back, only for her ears to rise and turn, hearing someone coming out. There was a rattle as the doors opened and a tall, thin sheep stepped out. He wore a pair of orange swimming trunks, a green undershirt, and a gaudy yellow suit with just the one button done up, alongside a pink carnation on one of the lapels.
Judy couldn't help but cringe. The sheep's ensemble made the worst tie/pawaian shirt combo that Nick could pull off look…
Semi-mediocre.
Whoever he was, he looked down at the scrappy bits of plaster and the odd crack that was present and shook his head. "This whole place is going to fall down and kill us all. Buster doesn't seem to get that."
"O-kay," Judy said, pausing as she looked up to him a paw out. "Nice to meet you, Mr..."
"Eddie," he said, smiling.
"Nick," the fox added. "You own this place?"
"No, my friend Buster does," he replied, before leaving and walking off. Nick watched him walk down the steps, before meeting two new mammals in black suits: a tall and regal, if not vain looking, tiger, and a dark orange lion with a black main, a slight scar on one of his eyes. The sheep looked back up at the bunny and fox and just waved at them. "Go in if you want. I know you two from TV, you'll probably find some horrible conspiracy in there or something. Just need to talk to these two about business."
"Thanks," she said, a paw half rising in the air before she dropped it down. Looking back, she saw Nick open the door for her and walked in, the fox following. She waited there, ears rising, only for an odd look to grow on her face as nothing came. Judy scowled, deciding then and there that if Nick wasn't going to make any corny jokes or witty banter, then she'd do it herself. "Getting betrayed by evil sheep may be our kind of thing," she said, before pointing behind her. "But I don't think we need to worry about him pulling the wool over our eyes."
A little grin flickered on Nick's muzzle and he looked down. "Hustler Nick would certainly agree that he's a bit woolly headed."
She smiled and relaxed somewhat as her partner cracked the ice as usual. She'd been beginning to miss that. "Jack's the head of writing and production here," she said as she looked around. "Let's try and find our way to the…" She trailed off, about to say stage, but then seeing something. Nick chuckled as he saw it too, was quiet for a few seconds as he thought, before giving a shrug.
"If there's a critical mass of weirdness, fluff, I think that's dangerously close… -and that was all fine as it was an honest observation, just so you know."
She nodded in agreement. Next to the waiting area, all lined out, was a collection of weird stuff. Jars and bottles almost but not quite entirely recognisable things, strange clocks and the odd totem pole, just to start with. Nick and Judy walked in front of one of them, a large, gilded sarcophagus, and just took it in. Its head area was shaped like a sinister-looking owl's head with rubies for eyes, while painted wings went down either side like arms, strips reaching inwards like feathers. It was all done in a dark, cold, lead-like metal, albeit with a coppery sheen.
"Okay…" Judy said, giving the sarcophagus a thumbs up and walking to the next exhibit. Nick followed, only for his head to dive down, a paw going up to cover it in shame.
"I don't know what this is, but it makes me feel bad."
"I agree with you both times," she replied, turning away from the two yellow plastic pill creatures, one with two eyes in goggles, one with just the one without, and both wearing blue dungarees with a stylized G on it.
"Do you think this pair is why the theatre is failing?" Nick asked. "As I think it's why the theatre is failing."
"To be fair," Judy pointed out. "Just because it's in a bad shape, doesn't mean it's…"
"-And this is the statue here that we'll be selling, to pay our bills and stop our theatre going bust," the sheep from earlier said, walking in with the tiger and lion. The former looked on and shook his head, tutting with contempt before having a last pull on the cigarette in his mouth, Nick holding out his paw to stay a righteously disapproving Judy as he did so. He then pointed at the yellow… things and spoke in a proud voice.
"You know, I would never lower myself to buy anything as insultingly bad as that."
The lion next to him groaned mirthfully, before speaking.
"Well, it's a good thing that were after that," he said forcefully, pointing at the sarcophagus. His voice was also proud, but also condescending, and quite loud too.
"Ohhhhh…. Relax," the tiger said, smiling. "I know that." He looked down towards the sheep and smiled. "Where do we exchange currency, dear fellow?"
"Just hold on for the boss," he said, before the door behind him opened, a koala bear stepping out. "That's the boss."
"It is!" the Koala said cheerfully, walking forwards with his arm outstretched. "Buster Moon, owner of Moon's Theatre, welcome, welcome…"
"Pleasure meeting you," the tiger said, shaking the small marsupial's paw. The lion behind him just nodded.
"Indeed, indeed," the koala said, smiling happily. "Here to place your bid in the auction, I see." He paused, turning to look at the bunny and fox duo. "What about you two? Pleasure to meet you. Buster Moon."
"Judy Hopps."
"Nick Wilde."
"Great, great," he replied, before pausing. "Oh, before I forget, may I introduce my secretary, Miss Crawley." He gestured behind him, only to pause as he saw no one there. "She's probably lost her glass eye again. They never really mastered them for iguanas, hers keeps popping out."
Judy blinked a few times. It was often that you got to deal with sentient reptiles. Buster just smiled though and carried on, chipper as ever. "She'll be managing the bank transfers and such," he said, before turning to Eddie. "See! I told you this little auction of the old knick-knacks would save the theatre. We've already got a bidding war!"
"Actually," Judy replied, "I'm here to see my old friend. Jack Savage."
"Ah, Jack!" Moon said, before trailing off, a concerned look on his face. "He's backstage. Can't miss him. Old friend, you say?"
"Yup."
"Good," he noted. "I can't help but feel he's really down for some reason. And, every time I try and cheer him up, he just seems to get worse. Still, a little help from friends and all."
Judy's ears drooped down from the news and she nodded. "I'll go in. It doesn't sound like him, unless he's playing a tragic role, but yeah. Time with old friends may be just what the doctor ordered."
"That's the spirit," he said before waving them off. Judy nodded and began leaving, though Nick paused.
"Could I put a bid of one cent on the Spongebob-vitamin pill hybrids?" he asked.
"Sure! Why not!" Buster chriped, quickly bringing out a clipboard which Nick signed. The fox jogged back to an aghast Judy, his paw held up to stop her. They turned and walked away, the red furred mammal shrugging. "I think this whole place is a bit weird."
"Yeah," she said, her voice hardening. "Almost as weird as your bidding on those abomination things."
He rolled his eyes. "Relax, I intend to do my part in keeping this place open… by wiping those things from the face of the earth."
Judy smiled. "Good to see the old Nick back," she said, as they walked towards the backstage.
"New Nick, or rather original Nick," he corrected. "Brutal honesty is still okay, thank merciful god!"
Back at the gathering, the four mammals watched on as the bunny and fox turned a corner, before the sound of a new door opening rang out. They all turned and saw an elderly iguana in a sunflower dress walk out, waving at them. "Sorry I'm late!"
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The whole theatre was strangely empty, an uneasy feeling rubbing out of the walls and onto the two mammals. Moving through the unfilled regiments of seats, must and dust wafting up in the air, Judy couldn't help but expect a snarky comment from her partner.
Even glancing behind her to confirm he was still there, the lack of one still set her on edge. Up to the front of the stage, the pair climbed on, taking in the giant moveable set piece that lay in the centre. "Any… observations?" Judy asked, smiling hopefully as she looked over to a curious Nick.
"I see bits of wagon trains and a saloon there," he said, pointing the foldable parts out. "And a fake bit of mesa too." He looked down and smiled. "I'm guessing your friend is doing a western."
She looked down, her nose twitching a few times from irritation. The irony that it was due to Nick not being irritating most certainly wasn't lost on her. "I was thinking comic observations."
Nick looked down at her, his eyes half lidding in annoyance. He shook his head though, before shrugging and pointing at a pair of gallows, folded away until their time came. "I guess some poor schmuck will be hanging around there."
"Thank you," she said, relaxing a bit. She was still slightly annoyed by his lack of annoyance, but she flashed him a smile to tell him that she'd liked that. It grew as he smiled a bit too.
"And there's that bunny who's always asked me to take things a little more seriously."
"The important word is, 'a little," Judy clarified. She was about to carry on, only to pause as she heard something above her. Both she and Nick turned, looking up to the top of the set piece, as a figure emerged and promptly leapt down in front of them. He stood above the pair, dressed in period piece wilderness gear, a bandana and headscarf completely obscuring his face. There was a powerful sense of gravitas in his body. Judy moved forwards to speak, only to be silenced by an outstretched gloved palm, ordering her to stay and be silent. He or she stood over them, seeming taller and larger than both despite being in the middle of their size range.
The figure put its gloved paws together, purposefully removing one and then the other. Then it undid the lower face mask, revealing a chiselled, inexpressive face. Its fur was grey-furred with hints of stripes peeking in. Both paws came up, and the newcomer cast off their hat and the remaining part of the mask attached to it. They swept off the top of his head and back, and he revealed himself in full form.
It was a jackrabbit, but what type Nick couldn't make out, mainly because he was so unique. Black straps pulled back on his grey face, some going up his ears. His eyes were brown, with a terrible sense of weight behind them. A spark of intellect? A hint of cunning?
"Jack!" Judy said happily.
He appraised both of them, before glancing at Nick. "I don't know you..." he said, before moving over to the doe. There was a gravitas in his voice, though oddly, as he spoke, Nick was sure he could hear a hint of a Hispatic accent. "But you, I never forget a face. Judy Hopps."
Nick snorted, chuckling a bit, while Jack smiled, coming forward to give the bunny a hug, which she promptly returned. They broke apart and he spoke again, Nick confirming to himself that there was indeed a slight Mexicat inflection that crept into his speech. "I've always wanted to do that," he said, his voice suddenly a lazy and relaxed drawl. "Nice to meet you Judy. I kind of know what you've been up to," he said, smiling as he did so before looking over at Nick. "Ditto."
"As you do."
"As I do," he said with a little flourish, relaxing back down and leaning back onto his set. "But what do you do? Here. Now… With your friend." He pointed over to Nick, or at least in the fox's general direction.
"He's my partner on the force, Nick Wilde…"
"Heard how you took down Bellwether," he said, giving a big thumbs up with one paw.
"Well yeah," Nick said, smiling a little. "I…"
"Hang on," he interrupted, his eyes suddenly going wide and his ears shooting up. No longer slouching, he stood up, marching towards Nick with a purpose. "You have to show me! Give me a demonstration!" he said, excitedly. He paused, turning to Judy, one of his feet suddenly drumming on the floor. "You too Judy!" He looked at both of them, like a kit in a candy store. "The greatest, most important, bit of acting Zootopia has ever seen! Both the heroes here…" He smiled, looking smug for himself. "-And playing an evil sheep has to be fun too… Hmmm… I could go cackling evil? Menacing? Misguided? I mean, what was she like? Did she have a tragic backstory? A tragic backstory for her might be interesting…"
He trailed off in thought, before shaking his head to clear it. Focussing back on Judy, he marched forwards, pulling her into another hug, his paw patting her hard on the back. He couldn't help but chuckle. "This! Is! Brilliant!" Letting her go, he smiled, giving a quick wink. "Look where you went and landed yourself!" There was a smirk, and another wink. "Here's looking at you, Kit."
…
"My partner would usually joke about this in some way at this point," Judy said, glancing over at Nick, who just shrugged innocently. "He's been going through some stuff recently. But he's acted beforet."
"Old TV pilot," Nick noted. He looked forwards at Jack solemnly before carrying on. "I did enjoy doing it, and it might have gone somewhere… I was an off-the-street cast though, so when it fell through so did any fledgling acting career."
The hare looked at him and sighed. "Shame…" he mused, before shifting with a slight realisation. "-or actually not! Anyway, you here to answer the call? Now that evil sheep removal is out of the way? Or tips on undercover work? That would be a good reason to come here… Or…"
"-I think I've found my call in the force," Nick interrupted, smiling. "Thank you. And I'm already more than a little versed in undercover work."
"You sure? Hey diddle-diddle, actors…"
"Lay off him Jack," Judy said, smiling. "Just here to catch up with some old friends." She looked at him and smirked. "Maybe subject him to enough corny acting to jumpstart his usual teasing."
Jack bristled up a bit, looking over at Judy, a stern look on his face. "I'm not corny, Judy," he noted firmly, before he raised a lecturing finger. "Except when I want to be!"
Judy rolled her eyes, and Nick couldn't help but spot the slight flicker of a smile on the hare's muzzle. Giggling slightly, the doe looked over at the fox, and then back at Jack. "Anyway, I'll need to talk to you in private, but Nick's therapist encouraged this meet up. Just here to have a bit of fun!"
Jack looked at both of them and then smiled. "Fun's good," he said, relaxing.
There was an awkward pause between them, Nick and Judy looking at each other slightly.
It ended though as Jack blinked a few times, snapping back to reality. "Oh, right… You probably want to go to my office then."
"Office sounds good," Judy replied, tagging along.
Nick followed after, the fox deep in thought. "Say Jack, you know the Pirates of Pawzance?"
One of the hare's eyebrows lifted ever so slightly.
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(A few seconds later)
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"I am the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia,
I've performed satirical, classical and opera,
I know the plays of Sheepshear, and I quote the pentameters iambical!
From comedy of errors to Henry the eight that's all…
-I'm very well acquainted too with matters police procedural,
I hear the news, both humdrum and dramatical,
About the city saving duo with a big old bone to chew…"
…
Jack paused, paw to his chin, thinking. "Hmmm... Bone to chew… Bone to chew?"
…
"GOT IT!"
"-Against many naughty crimmies who have yet to go and pay their dues!"
Before his mouth had even finished closing, Nick jumped right in. "Against many naughty crimmies who have yet to go and pay their dues! -Against many naughty crimmies who have yet to go and pay their dues! -Against many naughty crimmies who have yet to go and pay their dues!"
.
"I'm very good at ad-lib and improvisional silliness,
I know the tickliest puns of every single mammalius,
In short, in humour satirical, classical and opera,
I am the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!"
"In short, in humour satirical, classical and opera, he is the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!"
.
"I know our artistic history, from cavemam to the multiplex,
I write tough drama, and like a bit of offscreen implied sex,
I quote romantic passion, to a cardboard cut-out T-rex,
In comics I can adapt even all the lowest bets…
-I can transform hard satires to melodramatic travesties,
And know the booing chorus is just some nonsense mutterings,
Then I'll train a choir into silent dancers who are all out tip top …"
…
"Hmmm… tip top… tip top… I.. -AHHH! GOT IT!
-And tap dance act out all that infernal nonsense ZTOP!"
"-And tap dance act out all that infernal nonsense ZTOP! -And tap dance act out all that infernal nonsense ZTOP! -And tap dance act out all that infernal nonsense ZTOP!"
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"I can't be asked to write a washing bill out with my paw,
But I'll make that joke somehow, I'm really not a bore.
In short, in humour satirical, classical and opera,
I am the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!"
"In short, in humour satirical, classical and opera, he is the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!"
…
"In fact!" he continued, the song taking a much slower pace. "-When I know what is meant… by 'enter on…' and '-parry him…'
When I can tell at site an untalented trifle…. from a 'charlatin'…
When such affairs as rewrites… and edits… I'm more caring at…
And when I know what is meant by: 'why not soften that?'
When I know why my idiot boss likes everything so sunny!
When I don't get annoyed at mammals saying I'm just a bunny!
In short, when I have the respect to doff my hat at thee…."
….
"Nope, that's a sticky one… BACK TO THE ORIGINAL!"
"-You'll say a better acting hare has never sat a gee!"
"-You'll say a better acting hare has never sat a gee! -You'll say a better acting hare has never sat a gee! -You'll say a better acting hare has never sat a gee!"
"For my acting career, though stunning and worthy of flattery,
Has been humbled so far by meddlers oh so irritably,
But still in humour satirical, classical and opera,
I am the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!"
"But in humour satirical, classical and opera, he is the very model of an acting hare from Zootopia!" Nick carried on singing out the tune while Jack, marching a silly sped up march around both him and Judy, gave a quick bow before zipping off to his office, closing the door behind him in a triumphant finale.
The fox let out a long and excited clap, Judy joining in. She looked up to him and smiled. "Happy now?"
He looked down at her. "Am I happy? Yes, yes I am." Judy smiled at the return of one of his biggest verbal mannerisms, only to pause as he cleared his throat. "That's ones still okay in new Nick."
Looking up at him, she shook her head slightly before pausing, glancing back at the door.
…
"Can we come in Jack?"
"Oh, right. Of course."
The bunny-fox duo outside looked at each other and nodded, before opening the door. Before they even stepped in though, their eyes widened with shock. "I thought it was just a student thing," Judy noted quietly. "But I think it's got worse."
Jack looked back at them and shrugged. "Problem?"
Nick and Judy just looked around at his office. It was an absolute tip. Not the kerfuffly chaos of the Hopps household in Bunnyburrow, or the odd bits lying on the odd desk of Nick's place, but a full on trash heap. Papers were scattered everywhere, even across the floor, along with old takeout dishes, bits of mouldy food still in a good few. The hare must have hopped and leaped over his trash strewn floor to get to his seat, which he was now leaning back into.
"Problem?"
Nick, voice going nasal as he covered his nose with his hands, replied. "No, not at all."
Jack looked at Nick, suddenly curious. "Oooh, what's this then?"
"It's him protecting his sensitive fox nose, Jack," she said. The hare paused, blinking a few times as he pondered to himself, before groaning.
"What!?" he said, a hint of defensiveness seeping into his voice. "It's fine," he dismissed, his fur ruffling up a bit. "Anyway, I'm too busy to spend time and effort cleaning something that'll just get dirty again."
"You can hire people to do that for you, you know?" Judy offered.
"Cleaners? Well, I keep meaning to, but…" he explained away, pausing to think. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? Given that you're not here to get back into acting -which is still an option for you by the way!"
"We're good," Nick said, smiling even as he covered his nose. A smile that faded as he sniffed a few times and walked over to a plastic cup half filled with a long flat cola, a small mat of mould floating on top. He backed away, just as Judy started talking.
"It's true," she said, before she took on a slightly sassy look. "Besides, it wouldn't be comfortable for us without the payments you get from the Z-D-E-S-P…"
"I can get on just fine without those," Jack said, brushing her off as he waved his paw out a bit. His nose was twitching slightly, something Nick saw as he glanced over, the fox's ears rising up. After all, it wasn't often that you encountered a mammal who dealt with the Zootopia Department of Endangered Species Protection.
"I could have figured that you were a rarer type of hare," Nick said, "but I didn't think you were rare enough to get E-S-P payments. What species are you exactly?"
Jack gave a little shrug, looking away as he said it. "Tehuantehec Jackrabbit, though one with an unusual colour pattern," he explained. "I get even more stripes than usual, and I'm grey. -And I'm legally a Tehuantehec Jackrabbit! -Not 300 club, but not far off, so I do get a benefit payment and some dumb magazine or something every month from the gov. Don't really pay it much attention though."
"Interesting," Nick said with a shrug. Judy looked up at him, before looking forwards towards Jack.
"Anyway, we're here to ask you for your help," she said, pausing as she saw his ears droop down and his body slump slightly. "Help that involves acting." The ears perked up again, and he sat up to look at them.
"Sounds fun," he said, leaning forwards. "Is this an undercover mission or something?"
Nick looked from Jack and Judy and Judy and Jack, before shaking his head, an action unnoticed by Judy even as she glanced up at him. "Mind stepping out for a bit, Nick?"
He nodded, before leaving the room and closing the door, immediately unplugging his nose and taking a few deep breaths of air the second it was closed. Wafting the air in front of him, he glanced back and shook his head. "Five minutes, then it's gas mask on and rescue time."
.
.
They were out in less than that, Judy hopping off over to the costume department and Jack walking over to Nick. "She says you think that you're lost in an act, and that you want to learn to get out of it. Right?"
"Yeah," Nick said. "It's a bit complicated, but…"
"-So we'll leave it at that, and just get you fixed. Okay! Step one: get into a role. Any role. Maybe a pirate role, I don't know. You'd look good in that. Or a sales mammal role! Even better…"
Nick paused, thinking, before he smiled. "How about crazy old guy giving a tour?"
Jack smiled. "Show me what you got."
.
.
Judy heard it from miles away but, after gathering all her stuff, she couldn't help but sit back and watch as the chaos unfolded in front of her.
"-Anyway, that's that street, now over 'ere… -and GET OFF MY LAWN!"
"Tis your lawn?" Jack asked, in an exaggerated east asian accent. "So sowwy! May I take picture of lawn?"
"No you may not!" Nick scoffed, still doing his crazy old mammal voice, albeit raising a paw into the air as if he were waving a cane. "I know them camera's and I know the flashes have all those chemicals in! You'll give my lawn chemical burns! Chemical burns! I go on my paws and knees to manicure this lawn, you hear? Every day, six in the morning till eleven at night, with a toothbrush and some tweezers, going over each little itty bitty blade of grass and getting the bugs off! You know how nice those bugs are? Those are my bugs, you hear? And I'm not gonna let you kill my bugs with your darn new-fangled chemical flash, all going poof into the air, as if you own the place and have the right to go 'poof' in the air! You need to earn that right, you hear!"
"You're just a freeloader. Just a stinking foreign freeloader, who comes over here, happy to go poof on our lawns! Oh, you don't go poof on your lawns, do you? No no no… You have to keep your lawns nice and clean, but you come over here and look at us like trash, and you're happy to go prancing around like show ponies, with your flash camera going poof poof poof poof! You pack your bags full of them, don't you? Poofers! So you can try and poof every lawn in Zootopia. Well, I say no! I'm taking a stand. There'll be no poofs on my lawn."
"I sowwy," Jack said, shaking his head. "I don't know why you think I like going kissy kissy with other boys…"
"WHAT! You're a homophone too! Pah! This is the twenty first century milladdy, we'll have none of that stuff with you. You know what I think? I think you homophones should be beaten up and booted out! With the thugs, the rapists, the thieves, the Baazi's, the speciesists, the gays, the lesbians, the queers, the methodists…"
"Do you know way to train station?"
Nick paused, sitting down to think, only for Judy to step up and talk to Jack. "Where should I put these clothes?" she asked, looking down to some costumes she was carrying.
"Quiet young lady," Nick scoffed, looking down at her. "Go back to the scullery, and take them with you! They need starching, washing, destarching, mangling, mincing, boiling…"
"Just down there will be fine," Jack interrupted, suddenly speaking normally again.
Judy nodded, walking over, while the hare looked over at Nick. The fox looked back, before his eyes went wide with realisation. "Oh my god!"
"What is it Nick?" Judy asked, looking up.
"Just then!" he said, suddenly awash with a giddy mix of excitement and hope. "Just then, exactly what I've been talking about! Playing that crazy old mammal routine with Jack, and you come along, and I keep playing it." He looked between the two lagomorphs. "I just got lost in the act! Just like I've been talking about!"
Jack smiled. "Now we have to help you learn to turn it off," he said, snapping his fingers for emphasis.
Nick smiled happily, his tail giving an excited wag. "And then, I use that knowledge to turn off the act I've been stuck playing for all these years."
Jack and Judy looked at each other and nodded, before getting to work. Judy went off to get dressed, while Jack changed in front of Nick. As he did so, he spoke. "By the way, when I was saying those things to 'insult' your character, what were you thinking? Did you feel the insult? Did they hurt, or outrage?"
Nick shook his head. "I felt… or I thought, 'boy, what can I do with this!' It was all a fun sort of game reallyt. Playing a character, it feels good."
Jack nodded before returning to his new costume. He put on a pair of brown tweed trousers, a big brown tweed suit jacket over a white shirt and bowtie, before a tweed trilby finished it off. He stepped around with an arrogant swagger, checking his pocket watch once before slipping it back into his pocket. "Name's Douglas Allen," he said with a similar accent to chief Bogo's, his voice quick, clipped and frank. He sounded serious, and with scant concern for others. "Now I'm here because the coppers tore into my old mob a few months back. No gang, no place to be in, no wages, and a mammal has to pay the rent. Now, I could just let myself get called up into the army, we have the war going on right now, but I'm not the kind of guy who wants to fight for some ponces in high back chairs, smoking their cigars all day, you hear?" He paused, opening his jacket and looking up. "I fight for me on my terms only. Now, I got a good consignment of rationed goods off the back of a lorry not too long ago. No questions answered, so none asked, you understand? Things like sugar mainly. Now, the common mammal doesn't have much these days, so I'm here to help them out, in exchange for a nice return of course. Your job? I need a scrappy red tail to scan around, give me a tap on the shoulders if a copper turns up. Think you can do that?"
"So, I'm your business partner."
Jack's eyes narrowed, and he puffed himself up slightly. "Lookout. Don't get above your station, and don't mess up. Got it!?"
"I do. I won't," Nick replied, segueing into a sort of character himself.
"Good," he said, a critical eye on the fox. "For your sake," he said, the fingers on one paw flexing as he did so before swiping across his chin. "I do hope you're right."
Nick nodded, smiling as he did so. This whole acting thing was fun after all. Jack sat down on the edge of his set, his feet swinging below him, while Nick stood around. Looking over, he saw Judy approaching in an old light green housewives' dress, a pale blue knitted fleece worn above it, with a dark green bowler like hat on her head. She looked over at Jack, glancing sideways as she did so, before stepping up to him. "Excuse me," she said, her voice hushed. She glanced around a few times more, before stepping up next to him. "I'm… I don't mean to bother you sir, but… Well, my son, bless his heart, he's got shore leave, and it'll be the first time I've seen him in years. It's his birthday too, and I just want to make this special for him… We have some blueberry bushes at home, but for his favourite pie recipe they need sweetening of course…. Shame that sugar is rationed, and my hubby always uses it up in his tea. I don't suppose you'd be able to help?"
Jack looked around awkwardly before speaking in a loud, exceptionally obvious, voice. "I… have… no…. Sugar…" he said, giving a glaringly obvious wink as he did so.
Judy backed off a bit and glanced around, tensing up before hurriedly walking away. "Sorry to bother you," she rushed out, much to Jack's alarm.
"Hey! HEY! Birdie! I don't think you understand! I! DON'T! Have! Sugar!"
Judy just scanned around some more, her ears up on high alert. "I think someone's coming," she said, "I've got to go!" She lifted up the hem of her dress before speeding off, leaving Nick and Jack alone.
The fox couldn't help but shake his head. "Okay, out of character for a second, what was that?"
Jack shrugged. "Well, honestly, I'm not sure how to really act that archetype one-hundred percent…"
"Couldn't you look it up?" Nick asked.
Jack paused, his mouth twitching to the side. "It'd probably take too long," he dismissed. "Not really a good use of my time or anything."
"I thought you liked acting?"
"I live for acting," he said proudly. "But not for history or research. I had to do enough of that in school."
"Right," the fox continued. "I just thought you'd want to try and get it right, rather than just mumbling through…"
"Mr Wilde, mumbling through usually has a very good success rate and excellent results," he pointed out firmly, a grin growing on his face. "After all! I'm usually very good."
Nick paused to think, before shaking his head. "Okay, yes, fair enough. But…"
"Also," Jack pointed out, "I thought that this character, being an ex-goon… ex muscle, so he wouldn't be that skilled with words. He's the kind of mammal who, up until a few years ago, got his way very nicely by beating mammals up. Others would then handle the distribution and retail side of everything, but they're gone now. It's just him! The whole idea of his story is him having to cope with the whole spiv experience, succeeding and failing wherever possible."
"Right," Nick said, suddenly nodding with interest. "That would be an interesting story for him. Is he figuring it out himself, or is he getting a mentor figure."
"Trial and error," Jack replied, before shaking his head. "But it doesn't help that he has to deal with bad customers like her."
Nick scoffed slightly.
Jack smiled. "I beg your pardon?" he asked quietly, a grin growing on his muzzle.
Nick shook his head before walking forwards, a finger raised. "You don't get bad customers, Jack. Doesn't work like that."
"I think it does," he replied. "How obvious do you have to be? I was flagging her as hard as I could. I mean seriously, how else would you do it."
Nick felt what was almost a pang of sympathy for Jack, like one you might get for a duckling (sentient or non-sentient) that kept on swimming into a wall again and again, always hitting its head. "Maybe try being a bit less obvious?"
Jack froze for a second. "Eh?"
"Let me put it this way," Nick said, "that kind of mammal doesn't want you to come off as a creep or anything. But you were."
"How else could I let her know, advertise myself, when my character is breaking the law."
"You're letting her know that you broke the law," Nick explained. "Not a good idea."
"But the whole point of me is that I'm breaking the law!"
"So," Nick replied, sitting down and wrapping his paw around the hare. He was so going to mentor this guy. "That's why you give them a bit of plausible deniability."
"Go on…"
"Yes, she probably knows you broke the law. You stole some rationed sugar, and are now hawking it off on the black market. But, and this is the key here, you act kind and with a smile like you're her friend. Maybe she knows you're up to something, but guess what? You seem like a swell guy, so it's probably not that bad! So, she doesn't feel guilty using you."
"So, she thinks it's a victimless crime."
"Yeah," Nick said, smiling proudly. "And the great thing about those crimes is that you don't hurt anyone! No-one to feel guilty about harming. Given that you're helping the common mammal here, you then become a good guy! A little local hero. The underdog. You're sticking in to the Mam!" He paused for a second, before shrugging. "Of course, there's always bigots and moral busybodies who'll look down at you, but they'd never come to you anyway. This way, though, you hook up mammals like your mark there. Hook, line, and sinker."
"Whereas of course, I robbed and killed an innocent driver with a wife and three kits at home," Jack replied, flexing one of his muscles. "Maybe even adding some torture in there, hmmm…"
"So maybe not a victimless crime," Nick noted. "Even if you did something better, like managing to mess with some booking papers, or just sneaking out the sugar, there'd still be a victim."
Jack shrugged. "Guess you can't make it a victimless crime. Would it be even worth it?"
"I'd say," Nick replied. "It's nice to make every mammal happy."
Jack smiled and gave a shrug. "Next thing, you'll be saying that it's worth finding some loopholes to make it not a crime period. Can't imagine a nutjob like that."
Nick's fur bristled and he looked at Jack, feeling a bit insulted. "There's standards out there," he said. "Don't be envious at the mammal sticking higher up the ladder."
"It just seems a bit pointless. Too much work."
"That's because you're lazy," Nick snarked. "All it takes is a little bit of research, a bit of legal loophole finding, some box ticking, and voila! Victimless crime becomes victimless not-crime!"
"So a regular business you can be proud of?"
"Yeah," Nick said, smiling as he did so. "And have fun at when you show all those busybodies that you're perfectly legal!"
"So you had fun and are proud of all your hustles?"
"Yeah," Nick said, smiling. "Of course I am, I'm an…." He froze suddenly, his eyes going wide with horror, before he gulped. Hard.
.
…
"Nick?" Jack asked.
…
"I…" the fox began saying, before he shook his head to snap himself out of it. "Ooops! There I go! Getting lost in a role there," he joked, giving a loud and exaggerated laugh, full of audible 'ha's.
"Are you sure?" Jack asked.
"Certain, yeah!" he defended urgently, though he couldn't help but conceal the slight panic rising in his voice. Just this morning, he was thinking that he was getting the hang of stopping his old ways of speaking. Of acting. Of being that hustler, of the same breed that could lead to that fox he'd seen on the undercover mission. But now… But then… -No, it was all just him getting lost in the act he and Jack were playing, wasn't it?
"I do remember you personally saying 'Let's go out of character for a moment'. Don't you?"
Nick gulped, hard. He did remember that. He'd shifted out but, on seeing Jack's terrible understanding of hustling, he'd stepped back in. Pulled him under his wing. Been happy, proud even, to raise him up. Mentor him. Rub off on him, even though that part of him shouldn't exist. It was all and act he was lost in, wasn't it?
"When I referred to Judy as a bad customer, how did you feel?"
"I… -Well, a bit irritated that you'd think that, as it goes against how a good hustler should operate…"
Jack smiled. "You felt personally insulted."
"As part of the act!" Nick blurted out. "As part of the act that I, since I was forced into it as a kit, have been lost in."
Jack looked at him, thinking. "When you were playing the old guy and I insulted you, you felt a bit of joy at being able to play off that. Didn't you?"
"Maybe, I…"
"And now, I insult you like this, and you not only feel super insulted, you go about fixing me and extolling the virtues of your own brand of that lifestyle!"
"Yeah…!" Nick choked out, "but… but…"
He froze as he felt a paw on one of his own and, looking down, he saw Judy standing there. "What we're trying to say, Nick, is that you weren't lost in an act. You were a hustler. That was a part of your life. It's part of you, and it's…"
She broke off as Nick pulled away sharply, a fearful look on his face. He shook his head hard. "No," he said defiantly.
"It's okay Nick. There's nothing wrong with it!" Judy urged, the fox managing to look up at her, though he still seemed jittery.
"Can I just think this through!" he spurted out. "Alone. For a sec?"
"If you want," Judy said, "but…"
He pulled away and jumped off the stage, quickly darting past Buster Moon. None of them had noticed the happy koala coming down that way. "Good news!" he announced. Judy felt caught, her attention between him and a rapidly retreating Nick. She looked over to Jack, spotting a very tired and irritated look on his muzzle as he groaned like a teenager. "With the very generous auction bid offered for old Sylvester…"
"Sylvester?" Judy asked.
"The obviously fake sarcophagus," Jack grunted.
"We now have enough funds to secure our theatre's life for another year!"
While still nervous about Nick, Judy couldn't help but smile and look down at him. "That's nice…"
"Wait for it," Jack warned quietly, rolling his eyes as he did so.
"So, I was thinking we could use this time to create a new happy play!" He stepped up onto the stage, wandering by a bank of controls for both the giant centre set and the rest of the stage. "I was thinking that more people would enjoy Les Miserables if it was, well… A nice bit less sad. After all, everyone loves coming to the theatre for some fun, don't they? So, Jack, after this play, which I think we can both agree is just a little bit too gritty and dark, you can go and write that."
…
The Jackrabbit was silent, looking over at Judy and yawning.
"Isn't it a wonderful idea, Jack?"
"I'd have thought you'd be irritated by this," she whispered, going up to him.
"Very," he replied, his tired eyes narrowing. "But after the first few times, I really can't be bothered to be irritated anymore."
"So, your laziness actually does trump your pride," she joked, bringing a little laugh from the jackrabbit. A laugh that was spotted by Buster Moon.
"That sounds like a yes!" he cheered, jumping up and down. Jack's palms quickly covered his face, letting out a loud slap as they did so, and so he missed what happened next. Moon, jumping up and down, slipped slightly and stumbled backwards, right into a control panel. He then fell to the side, switching and pressing everything in his path before falling to the floor. Parts of the stage, the centre set, curtains… Everything began moving and shifting. Alarmed, Jack and Judy bolted upright, their lagomorph instincts sending them scanning around left and right, but not down.
Meaning they were taken by surprise as a trapdoor opened up beneath them, the pair falling into an understage. Landing on a mattress, they were only slightly confused, and recovered quickly enough to hear a long series of mechanical bangs, screams, strains, and groans rumbling above them. Jack cringed down hard as a loud series of crashes came from above, flinching down with each one. The room shook as everything above them seemed to tumble down, ending with the pair being launched up suddenly as something landed on the mattress behind them.
They fell back into something hard and white, jammed into each other.
Jack stood up, frowning. "Well... I know where the tavern's kitchen sink ended up," he said, gesturing to the porcelain basin they were in.
The thing shifted and moved, the whole floor rising up as they were lifted back out onto the main stage. Jack took one look at the ruins of his play's set, before both of his ears came down to cover his eyes.
Judy gave a quiet and nervous laugh.
Buster Moon stumbled over, looking up at it. "Ummm… Good news… We could scrap this now, or we could, maybe, possibly… Spend the money from the auction on repairs."
"We will spend the money on repairs," Jack said firmly, his voice thick with irritation. This time there was absolutely no indication that his assertiveness was a joke.
"Oh, uhh…." All three of them then turned towards the seats, as a new voice spoke out. Nick. "I'll um…." he said, looking at the chaotic mess in front of them. He paused, pointing out of the door. "I'll go get a mechanic or someone. That sound good?"
"That sounds quite excellent, thank you," Jack said, his voice going hard and authoritative again.
Nick nodded, snapping a picture, before making his way out. "I'll be back soon."
.
.
Out in the street, in the open air, Nick took a deep breath. He felt a bit guilty, to be honest. He could have just had his personality crisis by himself, on his own, and not bring anyone else into it. But no. While waiting outside, he'd had to have wish for an act of god or something to distract him and the almighty, in his infinite wisdom, had provided an elephant-scaled deus ex machina - or was it a diabolous ex machina?.
Honestly, he still wasn't sure what had occurred, he'd just heard a lot of grinding and bangs. Not so much like a car getting crushed, but maybe like a car crusher getting crushed?
He shook his head, he didn't know.
What he did know though was that his mechanic offer was a spur of the moment thing that he really should have thought through, and that he was now beginning to regret. He was stuck with two problems, A: his personality crisis was segueing back into his mind, and B: he needed to find a mechanic who could handle that mess and wasn't the obvious choice that he already knew.
He closed his eyes, trying to think, only to come up blank every time.
"Rut me," he grunted, as he brought his phone out to book a Zuber. Obvious choice it was, and he was pretty sure that Karma was laughing at him. Not only was he going to have to go there, he was in the middle of exactly the kind of thing that would make the already slim chances of getting that mammal to help him vastly vastly worse, and all the while rubbing salt in the wounds of what he was feeling and dealing with. He'd snapped a picture to prove there was a problem, but he'd have to meet this mammal in person.
"Right then," he said. "Dentist etiquette. Mind our own business, don't make small talk, avoid eye contact, try not to bite bits off in frustration… Let's get this over with, Skye."
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AN: So there's Jack for you, and soon Skye. It'd certainly be interested to hear opinions on this version of Stripes, and on the rest of the chapter for that matter. Feel free to like, subscribe and review, and see you guys next time.