Chapter 40

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AN: And so, the Battle of the Fat Bastards begins!

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The assembled mammals watched with bated breath as a car drove up to the Fox family house. Retsuko got out of the driver's seat, Haida the front passenger seat and, with a slam, the third occupant got out of the rear. His trotters landed hard on the ground and he stood up with a snort, looking up at the arboreal abode, then down at the mammals he was to be working with. "Okay, whose house is this?" he snorted.

Mr Fox stepped forward, "As a matter of fact it's…"

"-Yours," Director Ton interrupted, marching on in. "Figures. No way those two could afford anything this nice."

All eyes turned to him as he walked on past them, before flicking over to Haida and Retsuko. There was an awkward silence, finally broken by Judy, her paws coming out in a W-T-C sign. "This is our mammal?"

"I…" the red panda began, only to be cut off, again, by her boss.

"-I am not your mammal," he spoke, looking down to Judy and pointing at her. "I'm Mr Katsu to you, and I want to make one thing clear before we begin. I am not here for you, or whoever's son is in trouble right now, not that you don't have my sympathies…"

Dr Silverfox coughed. "Ummm, thanks. I guess."

""You're welcome," he snorted, turning to face him. "Now I'm not a monster, and I do want him out, but I'm doing this to get revenge for what that DA did to Kabae. She's one of my workers, and he put her and her family through the same hell, just for some stupid political play. The only one who gets to do that to them is me, and he's gonna pay. Isn't that right, Calendar Girl?"

Retsuko looked around for a second or two, twiddling her fingers, before deciding on her reply. "Partly, yeah."

Ton snorted and rolled his eyes, ignoring her and paying no attention to Judy, her left foot currently drumming a tattoo on the ground. He did pay attention though to a particular honey badger that was marching up towards him. "What?" he asked, as she ground to a halt, an inch from the end of his snout and an angry look on her face.

"You're mean."

…

Ton gave an oink-infused snort of a laugh before glancing over to the rest of them. "I see you poached the no 1 women's detective from Badgeswana."

Honey blinked, before her eyes narrowed and she poked him hard in the chest. "That's not a compliment, you know?"

He stumbled back, rubbing his chest, before putting his trotters out. "Cool your jets. Listen, you lot need me far more than I need you. I can live with not doing this, but can you? Huh?"

Judy glared at him. "That isn't an excuse for bad behaviour. We're trying to defeat a nasty mammal here, we don't like nasty mammals, and the more we see of you Mr Katsu the more it seems that you're nasty just like him."

"I take offense to that!" he spoke. "I don't care a jolt about pred or prey. Heck, I even employ non-mammals in my office. They're all equal and the same in my eyes, from how trustworthy they are to how useless their female members can be."

"There happen to be a whole lot of female members here you know," Mrs Fox said, walking up and glaring at him. "This is the wrong place to call them useless."

"And what have you done in this investigation?"

She blinked, scowling as she glanced down at her massive baby bump. "I've been pregnant!"

He smiled, crossing his arms. "I rest my case."

Mr Fox coughed, walking forward. "Listen buddy. I happen to have a wonderful wife, and a lot of good female friends who, for a lack of better words, I am not going to let you trample over." He scowled, a slight snarl appearing on his muzzle. "I tend to think that team dynamics work best if the mammals involved have a mutual respect for each other, and your lack of respect for her is giving me a lack of respect in you, maybe entirely to make sure that she doesn't get a lack of respect in me but, you know what, I think the end result is the same. So, if you want to do this, I think it would be a very good idea to shut your trap."

Ton blinked. "I'll try and par down on the words that certain mammals might find offensive. Sound good?"

"I do not like this compromise, but fair enough. But mark my words, this here is going to be a business partnership and no more."

"And that's a bad thing?"

Judy groaned. "Are we sure that there's not another mammal we can do this with?"

Fenneko groaned. "Trust me, I tried looking. We as a group have basically no non-colleague prey friends bar Tadano, and he's currently on a self-sustaining Seastead in the middle of the Pacific."

"What about Gori," Retsuko protested.

"Yeah, and Kabae," Haida added.

"And Protein!"

"The first two are colleagues, and the third one is a yoga teacher of two years who's name you never knew."

"And speaking of knowing things," Ton began, glaring at Fenneko. "Didn't you call in sick today?" There was a brief pause as she gulped. "Yeah, I'm thinking you were skiving off here rather than coming in and…"

"-YO KNOW WHAD I THINK?" came a shout, Ton looking up and blinking as Finnick marched out, levelling his bat less than an inch from his face. "I'm thinkin' that if you slag off my vix one mo' time, you' gonna be helpin' us with bruises all over yo face!"

He looked at the small fennec for a second or two, the tiny tod working something in his teeth before spitting out to the side, carrying on.

"I'm thinking you forget she was ever here. She's got the fox flu, y'hear?"

Ton nodded. "I hear," he spoke, turning and walking in. "Come on, let's get this over with."

The rest of the gang, though nervous, walked in after him, eventually leaving just the fennecs out there. Finnick looked over to Fenneko. "You good, Mon…"

He was cut off as she slumped onto his shoulder as if made of goo, the inside of her ears practically glowing pink. Her legs quivering, she sunk her upper teeth lightly into his shoulder and rubbed up against him. "Soooo hot…"

He chuckled, sending a paw up into the inside of her ear and scritching hard, causing her to squirm with pleasure.

"I want you to do things to me…"

He gave her a sly look. "With or without the bat?

"All of the above."

He glanced around, before looking at his van. A paw grabbing her nape, he tightened it, robbing her of control and letting her fall down, only to sweep her legs up with his other paw and cradle her bridal style. He gave her a kiss on the nose and a sharp clawed squeeze on the rear, smiling as she moaned in pleasure. He began running forward, only to freeze as a shout came from behind.

"Uh, we need you two as well, you know!"

He turned to see Nick standing there, foot tapping on the floor. He looked back silently for a few seconds, before the red fox gave him a hard glare and walked in, leaving the door open.

His grip on her nape releasing, she slipped out, her ears drooping. "C'mon," she groaned.

He blinked, scowling at where Nick was and shouting out. "YOU ASK WHY YOU'RE THE KILL JOY, HUH? WELL DIS IZ WHY, KNOT BLOCKER!"

He marched in, sparing a glance at Fenneko. "Don't worry, soon as I can, dis," he said, giving a squeeze on her rump, "gonna be my new chew toy."

He went on in, Fenneko standing there, the insides of her ears glowing even pinker than before.

"So hot…."

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"And there we are…" Jack said, finishing off his work. He held up a mirror and Ton raised an eyebrow. He'd gone from a pink pig to a black hog. He smiled, Jack smiling too. "You like, do you not?"

He smiled. "I look like a different pig entirely," he said, smirking.

Honey nodded eagerly. "You look just like Pol Pot-Bellied!"

There was an awkward silence in the room.

"What?" she shrugged. "He does!"

"Well," Jack carried on, "the inspiration was pot-bellied pigs in general."

"Yeah," Ton snorted. "There's loads of them down in Little-Tigon." He paused, before gesturing at Nick and Judy. "Not that I care, but do you think that any of those sensitive mammals over there might think it 'offensive'."

Jack snorted. "What, someone with pink-hued white skin common to those of european decent colouring it black in a way that mimics those of african or asian descent and then going on to act in an exceedingly uncouth manner." He gave a hearty laugh. "In what kind of dumb world would that ever be offensive?"

Ton gave an oink filled laugh in response. "A real dumb one for sure," he said, shaking it off. He then turned as Skye and Honey walked up.

"Now this here are your super secret glasses," the ratel said, slipping them on. "We have a camera and a special voice system that transmits the sound vibrations through your skull!"

Skye turned on a screen and Ton peered on, watching as a feedback loop was produced. She spoke into her microphone, and he nodded as he heard it. "You two are actually good at this," he noted. "Though that's against our IT department, so basically no competition."

Skye ignored him, though Honey nudged up to her. "See, I told you he was mean."

The swift fox vixen merely returned with the fruits of her previous day's labour. "Okay, here we are," she said, producing a collection of tubes, pumps and bags. Getting him to unbutton his shirt, he slipped one in, feeding the tube through his sleeve. Making sure it's clear end, a large valve, was level with his cuff, she pinned it in place a little way back. "We need you more sober than he is."

"I can hold my drink," he said, his eyes narrowing.

Skye ignored him. "This here is designed to siphon off your drinks without him knowing it. Simply place your paw over this…" She pushed forward a shot glass with some water in the bottom. Ton pushed his arm forward, the sleeve catching on the outside but the long tube dripping in, its valve end plunging into the liquid.

A very faint whir could be heard, and within a few seconds almost all of it was gone.

"Impressive," he noted, as she fixed the other one to his other arm.

"Bit of a trickier one this, as I can't use a water detector like the other. However, if you press the button on this ring…" handing it over, he found the button in question and pressed it, watching as a potent smelling substance flowed into the glass.

"Actually impressive, you did a good job. Hey, Retsuko, you could learn something from this fox."

Skye's eyes narrowed. "Don't worry, she has been," she said. "Any questions?"

"Yeah. Do I get to keep all the drink when I'm done?"

"Be my guest."

A smile grew on his muzzle as Mrs Fox came forward. "In terms of being useful," she spoke, "I did make these."

He looked down, pausing as he pulled out a set of pink cheesecloth wrapped objects.

"Stick them next to your upper teeth and slosh the liquid you do have to drink onto them, it'll absorb it."

"I'll be there to swap them out," Mr Fox said.

Jack nodded. "And I'll be there to take over from you if we have to." He'd coloured himself full on brown with his fur dye, and Skye quickly fitted her second pair of devices to him.

"You know," Ton said, looking down. "I want to get this mammal. But there is overkill…"

"Is there?" Nick asked. "Yes, yes there is. Does he of all mammals deserve it? Totally."

"Listen," Ton said. "I'm not judging you for playing every sly and underhanded tactic there is here, in a way it's impressive. But the way I think, you gotta give the mammal at least some chance."

"Says the mammal who throws golf games to brown-nose superiors," Skye said, making him pause. He looked around for Retsuko, who happened to be nicely hidden behind Haida, before looking back, glaring.

"And I took that loss there. This is like swapping balls around and hiding his."

"Hey, Boss Pig," Finnick spoke. "You want justice fo' dis hippo o' yours. You do it dis way, clear?"

"Fine," he groaned, looking around. "So when do we get to him?"

"Well," Fenneko said, checking her phone. "He usually frequents a certain bar on various days of the week, often including this one. I'm pretty certain that with the ongoing stress of his plans becoming undone, he'll be more likely to frequent it than usual. However, in order to boost our chances, I posed as an 'alternative media journalist' looking to take his side in this whole affair. He agreed to meet with me, me being an Alpaca with a thing for 'dank memes', in that location. Ideally we can let him stew a bit and have you come up when he's at the end of his tether.

Ton nodded, before standing up. "Right. Didn't get to where I am today by sitting around waiting. Let's get there… and get square…"

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As the sun was going down over the centre of the city, the mammals waited, ready for the time to strike. In a large parking garage sat Finnick's van; the fennecs, Nick, Judy, Skye, Haida, Retsuko and Honey waiting there, watching the feed. Across the street, its name splashed over its entrance in neon lights, stood 'Hacienda Yma'; a rainforest bar taking its first step outside of its native habitat, and the place where the plan would go down.

The inside was laid out in a wash of fake greenery and wooden furniture, split up into a whole mix of different rooms of varying sizes. All of them though curled around a giant central pit, in which a circular bar stood. Surrounding it was a vast moat, filled with in-water seats for a great variety of mammals who enjoyed such a thing. Otters, capybara and, in large numbers, hippos.

So, so, so many hippos.

Fenneko's fakery with the alpaca journalist wasn't just to ensure that Wassermaim turned up, it was to ensure that he went to one of the dry rooms, in which they could actually approach him. Haida had pointed out that had they got Kabae in, the best choice, then they wouldn't need all the fancy gadgets and could have just dumped all the drinks directly into the moat. Fenneko had then said that it was obvious that Kabae would never be up to this, something made pretty clear in reality, and that this was the lot that they were dealing with.

A lot in which District Attorney Kurt Wassermaim was sat down in one of the most set-aside rooms there were, drinking his third shot of the evening, growing very impatient as the deep music beat out and the sound of the crowd rolled in heavy. Every bit of his body language signposted that he'd had it up to here, and was just about ready to call it quits. Only a few mammals could see him there, one of them being a brown hare in a neighbouring alcove. Jack looked on, his glasses replaying what he saw.

"Okay," Judy said, "Let's go for it!"

The bunny nodded, before leaning down and looking under the thick fake greenery that was draped off his table edge. "We're going for it," he said.

Mr Fox and Kylie nodded back, the pair hiding there with refills of the in-mouth drink absorbers, the potent Fox family bootleg, and empty bags for the drained drinks at the ready. They peeked out, looking on as the black coloured Director Ton walked past them, slipping the booze absorbers into his mouth. He grumbled, he did not like the feel of them.

Still…

This was nothing compared to how Kabae had felt, torn away from her family on bogus charges, waiting alone in a cold police cell, terrified about whether or not she'd be sent away for years. He could put up with this, to bring him down

He could even put up with the feeling that he was completely cheating, just...

"Okay," Judy spoke through the radio, "don't act completely sober. That'll put him on guard. Act a bit drunk, and butter him up."

He stopped, making sure he was out of the hippo's earshot. "You do not know the meaning of buttering up," he spoke. "I don't need a lecture from you!"

He turned and walked off, leaving Judy fuming back in the van. The bunny threw her paws in the air. "The nerve of that mammal!"

"To be fair," Retsuko said. "I know from experience how far he can butter up… You can give him that one."

Judy rolled her eyes and did, watching the screen as Ton approached the disgruntled hippo. "H-hey!" he spoke, earning a glare from the megafauna. "I know you!"

"Oh do you know?" he said, raising a stubby finger in response.

"Yeah! You're the mammal who's getting cussed on for charging that sneaky fox kit."

"Well," he said, his mood lightening a little. A small smile grew on his mouth. "I may be the one who thinks that they should be subject to the same law as us, yes."

Ton raised a clenched fist. "Cuss yeah they should be."

"Yeah," he said, hitting the table. "Of course, a whole load of mammals don't think that, do they? They don't like it when I return to sender, or use their little plots against them."

"Well buddy," Ton said, hopping up across from him. "Cuss those mammals as I'm on your cussing side."

"About time someone was!" he exclaimed, before groaning. "Makes a rutting change. I mean, I was supposed to meet with this journalist tonight, it's why I'm not in my usual place. But no! He stands me up." He groaned. "With friends like these, huh…"

"I…" Ton began, raising a finger. "Was he a llama by any chance?"

"Alpaca."

"Urghhh, you got some of those mammals mobbing one of them a little way down. Calling him a speciesist something of a something… Next thing you know two police wolves turn up and haul him off on disturbing the peace."

"Oh great!" Wassermaim complained, arms up in the air. "Just what I needed… -Though I'm gonna make sure that I drag that one out a bunch when I can. Show the ZPD for what they are."

"Right, do it, show them who's boss," Ton cheered on.

"Yeah, just a bunch of political pansies," the Hippo muttered, shaking his head. "'Serve and Protect,' ha! Nope! They're out there forwarding their little agenda. You know it's really cussing ironic how all those militant pred organisations are like, 'cuss the ZPD'. Bwahahaha! No buddy, those mammals are on your side and you know it!"

Back in the van, the pair watched on. Through Jack's camera, they could see that he was recording via his phone, having it set up in a location that picked up what Wassermaim said and pictured him in the clear, but left Ton largely out of the picture. Were they to get anything good, then this was the one that they'd publish. Were Ton forced to back out, then Kylie would take over as camera mammal.

"Don't say anything," Nick said, "because that pig needs to go on one heckuva ego diet… -among other ones. But he's good."

"Building him up and up," Fenneko said. "C'mon Wasserpain, spill all your beans."

The conversation had moved away from the ZPD now, Ton moving into, of all things, golf. However all the mammals could see what he was doing. Getting friendly, waiting for a drink order to come in. And, wouldn't you know it…

"I like you!" Wassermaim said, his massive arm coming down and patting Ton hard on the head. "Here, next drink on me."

"No need," Ton said.

"You do realise how tiny yours are to mine," he joked, "You could wear my shot glass as a helmet!"

"So I could," he mumbled. "Pretty cuss helmet though."

The hippo burst into laughter as he flagged down a waitress. "A hippo shot and a pig shot of Ginuara. And some cricket nachos. Your biggest plate of the stuff!"

"Sure thing," she said, walking off.

Back at the van, Judy looked on, blinking. "He ordered…"

"Pigs are omnivorous," Nick cut in, "he and I could survive off the same diet, pretty healthily."

"But the speciesist hippo," the bunny followed on.

Nick looked back and shrugged, wondering if Ton might bring it up. He didn't. He was going back on to golf.

"-And I swear it was that weird tech guru, Tadano. Heard of him?"

"He's a donkey, right."

Ton snorted. "Onager."

"Same thing," Wassermaim hand-waved. "I mean, that's not the worst case. Do you know all the things they called painted dogs? Painted dogs. Painted wolves. African wild dogs. African hunting dogs. African painted wolves or whatever and, if you're going off the latin name like some miserable old Zoothropologist, Lycaon. And sometimes it feels like you have certain mammals, not necessarily the dogs themselves, changing the names you can and can't say to try and catch you up." He paused, then shrugged. "Heh, well I figure you just ignore them. They expect you to trip up and then quiver as they bash you. But if you show them that you don't give a damn, guess what. They don't know what to do!"

"Right," Ton mumbled. "But yeah, I know something about that too. Apparently red pandas are now two species, not that you can tell them apart, and they're gonna cuss you over the head with that!"

"Seriously?" Wassermaim complained, bringing up his phone. "I mean…" He paused, grunting. "I mean this is literally what I'm talking about. I mean seriously, who cares…?"

Back in the van, Retsuko grumbled. "I do…"

"-other than the mammals who want to knock someone's head in over a simple honest mistake. I mean the poor sod who trips up there deserves a hug or something, I don't know…"

Looking on, Jack blinked and peered beneath his covers, spotting Kylie wrapping an arm around Mr Fox. The opossum was patting his head, and the vulpine didn't seem to know what to think of it. "There there… There there…"

"Yeah," Ton grumbled, pausing and smiling as the drinks came around. His shot glass was dwarfed by the hippo's, but by the look of it it was proportionally slightly larger. "So, what the heck is this?"

"Oh, it's made with gin and wolf apple and a bunch of stuff," the hippo explained, taking a large swig. Ton had an uncomfortable look on his face, and quickly moved an arm over his glass. A tube went in, and the drink slowly began vanishing.

Back in the van, Skye rushed over to the microphone. "Great, but once you're done make sure to take a swig to disguise the loss."

"Wolf apple," Ton grumbled. "Got a maned wolf in my office, I swear it's half of what he eats."

"Well yeah, named after them," Wassermaim said. "Bunch of botanicals added in and all that… -Though if you have a problem with a wolf apple, I'm kinda surprised you didn't moan about the cricket nachos."

"Well, I'm a pig," he said. "I can eat what I want…"

"Yeah, and I just like them," Wassermaim carried on. "You know, you get some really freaky looks from these nut-job purists who freak out if you eat anything meaty. Yeah, it's bad for me if I have too much, but we live in the water. We always got some fish here and there…"

Back in the van, Nick leant in to the microphone. "Ask: So you're not one of those purists then?"

"So you're not one of those purists then?"

"Oh god no," he moaned, taking another swig of his drink. Ton looked down and, seeing that his was basically empty, did the same, swishing the last little bits into the waiting mouth-bags where they vanished. The taste still lingered on his tongue, though he put up with it as the hippo ranted. "-I mean, you bump into some who… They turn their noses up… But… But… They're not like these crazy balls of hate that those mammals like to make us think exist, are they? You know, those mythical sheep politicians or zebra business mammals who hold secret conferences to discuss how to wipe out the preds and talk about purity and call them all filth… Not like these comic book villains that those nutjob protestors are convincing everyone out there really exist and are out there and they need to battle against. And I certainly am not one of those." He slammed his glass back down. "But… Those cussing bastards are doing a cussing good job of convincing everyone that I am one of those, and I cussing resent that. I resent the fact that you might even think that…"

Back in the van, Judy crossed her arms. "I wonder why they think that…"

Nick meanwhile had a new idea, and leant over to ask it, only to be cut off by Ton. "-You really care for sheep, don't you?" he asked. Back in the van Nick shrugged and gave a nod.

"Not really," Wassermaim complained. "Not more than for any other species… But they… all those mammals for this kit and against me, have a hate boner for them. They want to tear down sheep first. They cussing hate sheep, and so that's where I start defending from."

"Right," Tod nodded, pausing as the nachos arrived. He salivated slightly, only to pause. Skye blinked and raced up to the microphone.

"Fake a coughing fit to get the bags out."

He did just that, coughing loudly and bending below the rim of his table, his trotters going in to pull out the bags. He slotted them into a waiting pocket and stood up again. "Sorry about that. Spices…"

"Not really spicy," Wassermaim said, taking a big bite full. "By the way…" he spoke through a full mouth. "You sound different…"

The van fell silent with horror, until Haida ran up to the microphone. "Had a throat operation, it shifts around a bit."

"I had a throat op a while back, it can do that sometimes," he said.

Back in the van, the hyena thanked his uncle for his two packs a day smoking habit and then carried on watching.

Ton ate on, while Wassermaim waved over a waitress. "Another drink, for my friend here."

"-Can I have a dry sake please?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Okay… What about a mango twist?"

"Sure thing," she said.

"And a Mooscow mule for me," Kurt ordered, before sending her off. Meanwhile, Skye was back at the microphone.

"Okay, don't suck it too fast," she warned.

Whether Ton would listen or ignore her was yet to be seen, as he grabbed a giant pizza slice sized nacho loaded with all the condiments and took a munch, nodding. "Nice, size difference," he mumbled. "You know, when I saw Tadano he was with a girlfriend at a time. I wonder what those purists you hate would think of an onager dating a red panda…"

Kurt burst into laughter, almost keeling over. Back in the van, everyone waited with bated breath. "They'd HATE it," he said, laughing. "I mean, I just find it stupid."

"You do?" Ton asked.

"No cuss yeah. I mean, size difference, come on! I mean, you get girls wanting well endowed men… But he's bigger than you are! This… -don't they teach you this in kindergarten? Small shape goes in small hole. Big shape in big hole! Someone… someone there didn't think that through… DUHHHH… HELLO PAWS…" He stuck his tongue out and bumped the side of his head, Ton laughing on in absolute hysterics.

Meanwhile, back in the van, Retsuko had her own response.

"SOME MAMMALS ARE ADAPTABLE!

OUR LOVE WAS VERY PRACTICAL!

IT WAS MORE THAN JUST SEX!

IT WAS MORE THAN JUST SEX!"

Haida meanwhile put a paw on her shoulder and comforted her, deciding not to bring up the 'adapter kit' he'd found in her apartment one day. Thankfully he didn't need that, though it was very close, and now that he thought about it…

Hmmm…

Maybe in the future…

Ton, meanwhile, was taking the initiative again. "You know, you're the kind of mammal you'd wanna share more than just a few drinks with."

"You getting somewhere?" he asked.

"Well, I may have seen this multi-shot deal…"

"The drinking contest one?" Kurt asked, smiling as the waitress arrived with their new drinks. "Game on."

Back in the van, the mammals were cheering. He was falling for this hook, line and sinker. They cheered even more as he took a massive swig of his drink, stood up to talk to her, and Ton leant forward, beginning to drop in some of the Fox family special blend. "Now, if I…" Skye began getting her laptop out. She began doing some calculations as Kurt sat back down, taking another gulp.

"Whoa," he chuckled, "think they added a special little bit to this one."

"Nice," Ton said.

"Nice indeed," Skye added, "I think he's getting two drinks for one there."

Indeed he was, finishing it quickly. Ton used his tube to suck up most of his drink, before finishing it off himself. "Dammit," he mumbled, "I really liked that one."

"Eh…" Kurt said, slamming his glass down. "Not my thing. Though this…" He looked over and smiled as the waitress came over with the drinking game drinks, though she was not alone. Next to her was a male badger.

"Just checking you're not having too much," he said.

"Hey," Wassermaim cut in with a slight slur in his voice, looking at him. "Is that a way to treat a regular, huh? Is that a way to treat a mammal spending a lotta money at your establishment?"

"I just have to make sure that…"

"Well you have… Haven't you…? Now... If you don't mind…"

He took on the drinks, pausing and smiling as he gave a hippo sized one to Ton. "Here's yours," he said, making sure the badger could hear him. "And also yours. And also yours. And also yours" He then gestured down at the pig sized ones. "And here are mine!" He burst into laughter, keeling over and banging the table hard, sending lots of the drink spilling out. Ton couldn't help but join in. From the van, Skye was up and speaking in. "Put the absorbers back in and get some extra stuff in his, quickly."

Through all his hysterics, Ton managed to do that, topping up all of Wassermaims shots while getting his absorbent baggies back in his mouth.

"Badgers…" Kurt moaned, as he began swapping the glasses around. Ton got one of his ones back and began emptying it. "Do you think they're gonna ban us from saying 'badgering' next. Badgering badgers…" He laughed again. "I heard that there was one mental one, though not the most mental one by a looong way, who spammed ZNN with complaints in the savage crisis and stuff… -Not that I'm complaining about it happening to that company."

"You have a thing against ZNN?" Ton asked.

"No cuss I do," Kurt said, the merriment in his voice swapped out for a hint of anger. He scowled. "Who do you think, huh, has screwed me up so bad? Done so many underhoof tactics, huh? Against me… have you seen how anti-me they are…? How anti commonsense…" He paused, taking his first shot. Ton grabbed the one he'd emptied, and together they swigged it in one go. "How full of that stupid propoganda, I… -You know I should have seen it coming," he complained, head going down onto his hands. "But no, I was certain that this case was so self evident I… I left it one day… One day! -And the next, well I'm sure you know what they had lined up against me the next day… Turns out the Uncle of the fox is in the media, and he had his contacts. Boy, did he have his contacts, and of course they'd jump at a chance like this." He sighed, looking down sorrowfully as Ton drained his next drink. It was half empty when Kurt grabbed his, and together they swigged, the pig making sure most of his stuff was absorbed.

"I should have expected it but…" the hippo carried on. "A fair fight, you know! I have a right to a fair fight, not the kind of crap that they've pulled on me. A fair fight, like this one. You know what I'm saying?"

Ton paused, looked down and nodded. "Yeah, I do," he said, beginning to cough. He bent down and, back in the van, the others looked on in shock as the baggies were pulled out.

"No…" Judy said, leaning into the microphone. "What are you doing?"

She said it again, louder, as he took his other arm over his other drinks and began topping them up with the super alcohol.

"NOOOOOOO!"

"Even my worst enemy," Ton said out loud, "deserves a fair fight… And if it's unfair and I can't make it fair, I guess I'll do the best I can do to make it so."

Kurt smiled, raised a glass, as did Ton. Together, they took a swig, the pig coughing from the shock but recovering. "And again."

They did just that…

Then again… And so on, until all the drink was gone.

Back in the van, heads were in paws.

Back in the bar, Jack shook his head. "The redeeming noble feature of the flawed hero, that causes one to snuff it," he whispered, a tear trickling from his eye. "What an unexpected trope for us to be boned by."

Kylie looked out from underneath. "What's going on?"

Mr Fox joined him. "Bad stuff?"

Jack nodded. "Bad stuff."

"Well what kind of bad stuff, you know," the vulpine began. Jack though spotted a mammal walking his way and pushed them back under the table. He waited until he was gone, before peaking through. "Okay, cliff notes…"

Meanwhile, the hippo and pig were laughing, hard. "I mean, seriously…" Kurt continued. "The only reason that that skunk newsreader is there is because 'mommy owns da company…' He's useless. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I don't want my news met with freudian stinks!"

Ton laughed, oinking along. "Freudian… Stinks…"

"Oh, and that interview today. Interviewing his own mother, that nasty piece of work… Oooh, you don't want to know the things she gets up to. Though I checked it, and she wasn't the nastiest mammal there, let me tell you that. But… But it's not just her. It's all the others, gettin' away with it. I mean, let's say the situation was reversed. Young ram brought in purple hooved, charged, sent off, and suddenly an anarchist sheep who wants to fire all preds in city hall and believes that foot and mouth quarantines are ovinophobia calls a sheep mafia and sheep supremacists up to protest… Meanwhile a bunch of ovines and caprids do all they can to stop him being sent off, a ZPD full of them officially saying that, no, that boy shouldn't be there… And then a sheep run news channel filled with sheep, I mean have you seen to pred to prey ratio of ZNN? -Owned by a sheep, gets the owners goat son to run hit attacks out on the judgement! And I mean, they still think they're the oppressed ones? Haven't they bothered to look in a mirror? Imagine if you were the pred in that situation… Where's the justice, huh? Not that these attacks hurt me or anything. No, it's the principle! But what you gonna do, call me fat? Ha! I'm a hippo! It's how I'm built. All these attack vids calling me the evil fat hippo. What, you gonna call an evil sheep the evil woolly sheep? I mean, if you want a fat mammal, look at Councillor Canidae…"

Ton paused, before laughing. "Yeah, I know the one."

"I mean," Kurt said, before laughing. "Big bad wolf. Yeah, big wolf and bad wolf, but a bit too big, huh? I'm gonna huff and puff and I've finally reached my mobility scooter! Climbing down the chimney? Maybe if they built a lift next to it!" He broke down, laughing, banging the table hard. "Though the only chimneys she could fit down are power plant ones!"

Ton joined him. "I know…" he laughed. "I mean, she's not a joke because she's fat. Okay, that's a good joke, but without it she's still a joke! She's a joke period."

"Oh god yes…"

"I mean, what is it with women and how they dress themselves up, huh? I mean, surely they know that we don't care. Well, we do. We care about the mess they make in our bathrooms with all their junk and the time they take… But she… Have you seen her!"

"Of course I have," Kurt boasted, arms outstretched.

Ton shook his head. "It has to be deliberate."

"Oh god yes. Even before she was a tub of lard, no offense…"

"None taken," the pig shrugged. "I'm meant to be a tub of lard… She's an iceberg of it. She's a fatberg from a sewer. And that's before words start coming out of that mouth…"

"Yeah, the interview…"

"Yes! The interview. Hello, yadda yadda, was your policy meant to be used for what we officially call evil? 'Uh…. no…'."

They burst into another round of laughter.

Back in the van, the mammals were groaning, hard. This wasn't going to plan. This really wasn't going to plan.

"Any ideas?" Judy asked out loud, maybe, if unintentionally, focussing on Haida and Retsuko.

It was Nick though that slipped in, having suddenly had an idea. He spoke in and, through his increasingly tipsy state, Ton heard him loud and clear.

"Yeah," the pig mumbled. "But there's gotta be ways to go against that. There has to be… I mean, I heard some mammals talking about 'PSC'. Is that it?"

Kurt's eyebrows raised up.

Ton carried on. "PSC should solve it, right?"

Kurt leant forward, elbows on the table, and pointed straight at Ton. "My friend," he said smiling. "You have it completely wrong. PSC isn't the solution. It's literally the problem."