AN: This chapter ties into Chapter 2's flashback 'Tolerate It' which was written by Rose's POV.
Our story is wrapping up and tying together at last. I apologize for the hiatus, I hit writer's block pretty bad, and this chapter wrapped up in a way I wasn't planning nor expected but I hope you enjoy! Please review!
Cowboy Like Me
If it was up to me, Fridays would be spent exploring the great Seattle Wilderness. I was still reeling from my kiss with Meredith last night, well kisses. I knew she was who I wanted; I just didn't know if we would be able to make it work. There was a mutual love between us, a mutual pull. I know she loves me, and I know if she could do it again, maybe she would have actually said yes and we'd be married right now. However, that's not how it happened between us and the pain I've felt the past number of years don't just disappear because she's here now. I can't lie to myself any longer that my life hasn't been better since her re-entrance. It has been. I feel awake again. I feel like there's a reason behind what I'm doing and where I am.
I remember the day I bought my beautiful land, my oasis. In the back of my mind, I bought this land to build a house where Meredith and our kids would live. I wouldn't admit that to myself at the time, but the thought was there. Now, that it seems fate has brought her back to me, I don't know what I'm waiting for, what's stopping me.
It's time to end things with Rose. I should've ended things the night I saw Meredith at the mixer and realized my feelings never went away. I was a coward in that way. I held onto Rose because I didn't want to be alone. Because, being alone was scary for me. Because I wanted more than anything to have a wife, to have children. I just didn't want those things with Rose. She texted me that she would be back in Seattle tomorrow. I could wait until then. I had Friday to clear my head and then I would be back in the hospital Saturday for a few surgeries.
I needed to end things with Rose and make things right with Meredith. I owed her an apology. I owed her the truth, and I would pray that she wanted the same thing. Those were my thoughts as I purchased a coffee from the coffee cart Saturday morning.
It would be a steady day of surgery, but I was ready.
"Hey you" I heard a familiar voice call out.
"Rose" I stated confusion written all over my face.
"What are you-" I started. She was supposed to be off today, and I planned to go see her tonight.
"Short staffed. They need me for a quick operation this morning and then I'm off." She clarified.
I nodded "Do you want some coffee?" I asked after a few seconds of silence.
"No, I umm… I have a few minutes before they need me. Can we talk for a second?" She looked apprehensive and a bit annoyed. I realized that I never really took the time to learn her. Sure, I picked up on a few habits and nuances here and there, but I never studied her or paid enough attention to learn her, really learn her. She's been my girlfriend for months now and I still don't feel like I know her.
"You know what? I don't have time right now. Surgery. Can we… can we get together tonight?" I heard myself say. I could have made the time, but her being here now threw me off and I hadn't yet put together exactly what I wanted to say.
"Sure." She told me absently crossing her arms over her chest. She had to know this was over.
"Okay, I'll see you later then." I told her tightening my grip on my cup of coffee and stalking off towards the Neuro wing of the hospital.
"Okay" she responded after I had already turned my back on her.
I felt her eyes on the back of me my entire walk down the corridor and I wished more than anything that those eyes belonged to a certain blonde.
My surgery went fast. Faster than I intended but I was in the zone, and it was an easy one. The patient made it through, and I was happy. I didn't have another surgery booked for a few hours and decided to make my way around the hospital and see if there was elsewhere where I could help.
I sighed as I saw her standing at the nurse's station clicking her pen. She was deep into reading a chart. Her friends were close by chatting aimlessly amongst themselves, but she wasn't paying attention that much I could tell.
Bailey came out of nowhere and started giving them instructions on their next assignment. The other interns quickly took off and left her standing there, still going through the chart in hand. I made my way over to her. I wanted to wait and talk to her after my conversation with Rose but as always, forces beyond my control seemed to push me towards this woman I could never seem to escape.
"Dr. Grey" I stated. Her green eyes looked up and bore into mine. I saw them slant slightly for a second before they held nothing towards me.
"What is it Dr. Shepherd?" she asked void of emotion.
"Do you have a second?" I asked gently as my head involuntarily moved to the side and I offered her a slight smile.
She rolled her eyes "Fine. But only a second. I have a million and one patients to check on, charts to finish, and lab results to get to Bailey" She told me with a light irritation to her voice.
I nodded my head to indicate that I wanted to talk in the closest on-call room not too far from where we were standing.
She looked around for a second and seemed to think the coast was clear as she nodded and quickly moved ahead of me.
I closed the door behind us, and she seemed to be saving all her annoyance for this moment.
"You don't get to call me a whore and then kiss me as if nothing is wrong. You call me a whore when you're the one with a girlfriend. You know Jackson is just a friend and I can't help that he showed up right after you and I had sex, but nothing happened between us and I don't even have to explain this to you because you have a girlfriend." She rambled emphasizing that I had a girlfriend over and over and over.
"I know." I told her with my head hanging low. She was right and I had failed her again.
"You know?" she repeated looking at me questioningly.
I met her gaze "I'm sorry for what I insinuated about you. I'm the whore, not you. I regret saying it. It's not how I feel about you."
"Well how do you feel about me Derek because I can't keep up? One minute you're being all McDreamy and we're having sex and the next, you don't want to speak to me and kick me off your service."
"You're really asking me that? You really don't know, after all this time?" I asked her. Couldn't she tell that I was just as in love with her now as I was the day I proposed.
She looked away. Of course, she knew.
"Derek" She started.
"Meredith" I breathed. Didn't she see that I was hanging onto every word. All I ever wanted was for her to want this as much as I did.
"I-" she began but her pager pulled her thoughts elsewhere.
"Don't go." I asked her. My eyes burned into hers.
"Derek, I don't have a choice. My patient needs me." She stated.
I nodded. I knew. I did. I would walk away too. We took an oath and she had to fulfill hers.
"Can we talk tonight?" I asked.
"We can." She said nodding distracted by whatever the pager said.
"Okay, what time are you off?" I asked running my hands through my hair.
The page went off again.
"I have to go. Just…. Later. Okay" She stated before leaving the on-call room at a run to whichever patient seemed to need her more than I did.
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My day had been hell and I enjoyed my escape down to the basement to clear my head. I didn't know what me and Derek were doing but I did know that I needed to finally clear the air and call my mother. I needed that off my plate before any discussion with Derek on where we stand.
I took a deep breath and sat on one of the gurneys that me and the other interns frequented when we had a second to ourselves at this hospital and pulled out my phone. I scrolled through my contacts until I found her name 'Ellis Grey'. I didn't even have her name as mom, that probably would tell anyone what they needed to know about my relationship with my mother.
I took a final sigh before finally clicking the button to give her phone a ring.
"Meredith" my mother answered on the second ring. Her voice was urgent yet detached, like she expected the call but at the same time was entirely indifferent to what I had to say.
"Hi mom" I replied absentmindedly playing with the hem of my scrubs.
"You should be working." She stated simply.
"I know. I am working- I just caught a break."
"When I was a surgical intern breaks didn't exist. They're too soft these days. I don't know how they ever expect you to learn. How you're ever going to become anything more than ordinary."
Her words stung and I didn't know what I was supposed to say.
She took my silence as a reason to advance "So, what are you calling for Meredith? Seattle not all you dreamed it be?" she asked as if she already knew the answer as if all I was to her was a pesky person ringing her phone that she could mock.
"No, it's not that" I stated building my resolve.
"Hmmm, well did you happen to stumble into that little neurosurgeon boyfriend of yours yet? Or did you know the whole time that he was the head of his department at Seattle Grace?" she continued.
I was taken aback. I had no idea that my mother knew where he was or why she decided to hide that information from me when I informed her, I was accepting the position in Seattle.
As if she read my mind she continued "Of course I knew Meredith."
"I know you're sick." I blurted harshly. My mouth reacting to her words before my mind could tell me to reel it back or be careful with the way I say things.
She was quiet for a moment, composing herself. I knew her. Scorpions don't sting at first when fighting back, they wait and strike to kill.
Instead, what I heard on the other end of the phone was a vulnerable, scared and quiet voice that I had never heard before from the woman I knew as my mother "How did you find out?" she asked meekly.
"Jackson Avery told me" I informed her softly.
"Damn him and Katherine too." She said. I could feel the anger bubbling in her voice. She was about to come back.
"Mom, why didn't you just tell me?" I asked her sincerely. Hoping for once, she could just let her anger towards me go.
She was quiet for a long while "I don't know Meredith. I just… I don't know why. I don't want it to be true." She admitted quietly.
"I don't either."
"Well, there's no use in talking about it. Katherine has helped me get everything in order. I won't be a burden to you or anyone for that matter. We've made arrangements for when… for when I am no longer lucid."
"You're not a burden mom."
"No, of course not. I just… I've made the arrangements for when-"
"Okay."
"Okay then." She confirmed.
We were silent.
"So, tell me about your life in Seattle."
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I broke things off with Rose and that was painful in a way I couldn't quite explain. Maybe it was the fact that I had to look an innocent person in the eye and tell her not only had I been lying to her for months now, I had also been lying to myself as well about where my heart belonged and for whom I truly carried feelings for.
Meredith Grey.
It would have been easier to love someone else, anyone else but the truth was, I love her. I always have. I probably always will even if we never get another chance.
I nursed the only beer I had left in my fridge as I set on my deck, waiting for her, waiting for words, waiting for anything. I texted her my address hours ago and got nothing back. I figured she wasn't going to show when I suddenly saw headlights in a distance.
I stood up, looking to get a better view and nonetheless it was her old jeep pulling onto my land.
I waited with my beer in hand for her to get out of the jeep and join me on the porch. As she exited the jeep and approached me, I took a swig and offered her a smile. She smiled back.
She looked around examining my land and the trailer.
"I like it out here. It's very you." She told me at last.
"You don't hate it? The wilderness and the tiny airstream and the bugs." I asked still nursing my beer and still wearing the smile reserved for her.
She looked at me inquisitively "I don't hate it." She told me with a small glimmer in her eyes.
I watched her watch the land. Her eyes followed the sounds of the forest animals whose home this was more than mine.
I wanted to ask her what she wanted, but she looked so beautiful that I couldn't seem to find the words.
"I can picture it." She said at last.
I looked at her waiting for her to continue. "I mean I always could. You and I. Kids. I could always picture us together. In my dreams, I didn't know where it was exactly that we lived but now I know."
"Seattle" I breathed.
"Seattle" she agreed, "On your land."
"My land" I breathed and looked at my land like I was taking it all in for the first time, picturing the life she just painted. A life I never thought I would get.
She turned and studied my face "We can't continue on how it's been. I have to stop avoiding everything that scares me. And you scare me, Derek. Well, my feelings for you scare me, but I believe we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart and I know there's a lot of water under the whatever, but I want to try, and I want to do it the way I should have done it from the start. I want to get married Derek."
"Right now?" I asked her with a grin.
"Maybe. Maybe in a couple months or next year." She shrugged.
"Okay, we'll get married." I told her. "And we'll build a house on this land for us and for our kids."
"Okay" she told me quietly with a smile
"Okay" I repeated grinning at her.
I suddenly couldn't be any farther from her. I had to be with her. I had to kiss her. I took her mouth in mine and kissed her as deeply as you could kiss another person.
Takes one to know one, you're a cowboy like me.
AN: I know their reunion feels a bit sudden or rushed but I started writing and no other ending to this chapter felt right. I didn't want to prolong the drama. They want to be together, and I've been dying to get here. I have another chapter planned then the epilogue! Please review!
