9.
The yellow sun was blazing against the skin exposed on her back, causing a sheen path of sweat to travel down her spine behind the dark tank-top she had on. Her hair was up in a bun and she was trying to catch her breath after a hectic wave of yells and cries that came at her from all directions.
Clarke escaped the torturous pull from almost every person on the Dropship. She was reeled to one side by Monty and Bryan who desperately needed her help in uncovering some more codes, prying out of her whatever knowledge remained in her head regarding her father's job and how he went about it. If it wasn't those two, then it was Miller who clung to her side, questioning her over and over about the council back in Arkadia. What actions do they take if this happens, what about if that happens, who do they talk to about this and okay, well, what about that? It drove her fucking insane, although she knew they needed this information, badly, she still had her own problems to worry about. Like how she was going to accomplish the unreasonable task at hand, which she sadly had to admit, was a lot harder than she expected it to be.
Bellamy Blake had basically given her a 'chance' to avoid the terrible war that was coming, but she knew that his attempt was only to humour her. He probably laughed himself to sleep every night for the past five days knowing that she was going out of her mind trying to prove him wrong.
Well, that's if he laughed anyway, he was stone cold, always.
She manages to catch a tiny glimpse of something, something rare, but it disappears as if it was never there. Whatever heart he had, she never saw. This was enough motivation to get her to work harder in determining a solution.
Truth of the matter is that war is drawing nearer and while she hopelessly believes that indulging in this battle is only going to make things worse, a part of her, deep down, fears that their problems won't be solved as easily if there wasn't a fight.
It had been an uneventful five days to Clarke's dismay. In the midst of all this pulling back and forth, she still had her medic duties that were a constant battle of treating the wounded and urging people to take extra preventative measures to avoid flu season. She was brought back to couple of minutes ago, after patching up another patient, her eyes darted to Harper who was begrudgingly stifling through one of the drawers in search of some bandages. Clarke remembered the expression on her face in the glade four nights back, when she looked alive and thriving amongst the other cadets.
"Hey Harp," she took to calling her by the nickname that Monty gave her, or called her by anyway, biting her lip to keep from smiling at the soft blush that covered the girl's cheeks, "You can go ahead to the third floor, I'm sure Alpha Squad needs you more for training. I could handle it here,"
Harper's eyes lit up slightly, but then she shook her head, "No, it's okay. We have a few more patients left anyway," she gestured to the three poorly looking individuals sat against the wall of the med room.
"I got this," Clarke said pointedly, ushering Harper out of the room, shushing her when she began to protest, "Seriously, go train," she didn't add the 'we might need it' part of the sentence, refusing to give in to her haunting fears. When Harper finally complied, Clarke rushed through the remaining patients before shutting the door firmly behind her and hurrying out into the warm air outside.
It had been quite hot the past couple of days in comparison to a few weeks back when the cool breeze lurched around her, wrapping her up from the inside and out. With the residue from the nuclear war, global warming was as real as any of them could imagine, and the consequences kept them at a limbo between hot and cold at odd times of the year.
Her skin was drinking in the light of the sun, knowing she would probably burn with her pale skin but not caring enough to step under the shade. The sun barely came out to begin with, and whenever it did she was always cramped up inside whether it be at the hospital finishing up her apprenticeship under her mother's watchful eye, or in her room, watching from the window with an empty page of her sketch book staring up at her desperate to draw those rays but not having enough strength to.
How can she enjoy any form of beauty of a world so intent on destroying itself?
Shoving her hands in her pant pocket, she retrieved a folded piece of paper she found perched on a book she was reading before bed, that laid on top of the sheets, early that morning. She was supposed to meet Raven in engineering as soon as she was on her lunch break but the smog that covered her space was too thick. She needed some time, time she didn't really have but took anyway. A soft intake of air filtered through her and she was moving back into the building before she knew it.
"Raven, I have like thirty minutes, what is it?" she had asked as soon as she walked into the bright room. Wick greeted her with a shit-eating grin and a small wave, she smiled back raising an eyebrow.
"She's not here, went to see Octavia," he supplied, half sitting on the white crisp table.
"How's it coming along?" she gave the room a once over, digits and letters intermingled into one, she couldn't decipher it if she spent all day trying.
"It's coming. So far we've managed to get onto their server undetected. Whatever they broadcast we can see, whatever messages get transferred between the council members we can see and hear it first before the message even gets delivered," he pointed at the screen ahead of them, "What we're still working on is their military unit. It's shut down currently, which is a bit odd but it's network isn't within…" he trailed off glancing at Clarke. She held his gaze, wondering why he stopped talking.
"Your dad created the code," he murmured, "he's the coolest guy ever. Well, for engineers anyway," he smiled again, big and broad. At the mention of her father she faltered a bit but tried to conceal it. She forced a small smile of her own, but the look in his eye told her that he knew. He knew how difficult it was to hear about him and to have to lie through your teeth about it.
"Uh, Raven told me engineers didn't really look up to anyone, that uhm, you were all arrogant bastards," she joked drifting away from the past. Wick laughed loudly, Clarke forgot how contagious it can be. As she stared at him now she realized how perfectly he would contrast the brooding Latina who held her head higher than anyone Clarke's ever known.
"That's what you get for going to a mechanic to get your information, always twisting the truth,"
She smirked at him, nodding along. However, the conversation ended when time began ticking. She didn't have much time left and if Raven wanted her, she would have to hurry up. After another ten minutes, she gave up waiting.
"I think I'm going to try and find her," Clarke told him backing out of the room. He called a goodbye after her.
She trudged up the stairs to the third floor managing to find her way through until she was a few steps away from Octavia's room, where she could hear the voices of both girls. They sounded like they were arguing, but their words were overlapping that she couldn't make out about what exactly.
She knocked once, then twice, nothing happened. The voices grew louder if anything. She knocked a third time, practically banging the door, when it whooshed open revealing Octavia with wide eyes and a snarl.
Clarke and Octavia were still in that weird awkward space after their argument in the med room. In the days after Grationem Dan, she hadn't run into her. The last time she saw her was when Octavia followed Lincoln into the woods. She didn't see her in the cafeteria last night, the one time she managed to go, where she sat with Finn, Jasper, and Monty nor in the med room or between floors.
"Hey, sorry uh, Raven wanted to talk to me," her tone peaked high in question at the end of her sentence, although she wasn't really asking anything. She looked over Octavia's shoulder at Raven who sat at the edge of the bed.
Octavia studied Clarke for a few seconds, debating whether or not she was trustworthy enough to let in on all her secrets. When she pushed the door wider, moving to the side, she gestured Clarke in and shut the door firmly behind her.
"What's going on?" Clarke said, stepping closer into the room. It looked like it had the last time she was there. The books overflowing on the shelf, clothes draped across various furniture and the floor. She chanced another glance over at Raven who sat looking straight ahead in silence.
"Nothing, we were just," Octavia inhaled and exhaled deeply through her nose, "I have a bad feeling about this," she concluded. Clarke assumed she was talking about the undeniable tension that swept over Arkadia, the Dropship, and the small world beyond the wall.
"Yeah me too," Clarke agreed, "War can do a lot but it's more damage than anything else,"
"No it's not just that, it's…we haven't heard anything from the Grounders yet. The leaders of the clans haven't arrived but Lincoln said they should be there by now, and Arkadia has been quiet too. I feel like something's happening, as we speak, and no one is willing to do anything about it!" Octavia exclaimed, huffing as she sat down on her bed.
"Something like what?"
"She thinks they're planning an attack," Raven spoke with an edge, rolling her eyes, she adjusted her position so she was facing the other two girls now.
"Who? Arkadia? Yeah, maybe, I mean we don't know anything for sure right now but,"
"No, not Arkadia," Raven added. They both looked over at Octavia who was playing with a few loose strands of her black jeans.
She looked up at them, her fingers still playing with the material. Her emerald eyes glistening, "The Grounders,"
With knitted brows, Clarke looked across, gaze switching between them, "I thought your brother agreed with Lexa to go to war. Why would they plan an attack against us?"
"Even still, she knows my brother hates her," Octavia mumbled, wheels turning in her head. Clarke was tattered, almost gasping for a solid reason or evidence as to why Octavia's accusation could be the truth. Lexa did seem ruthless in the small moments of interactions between them, but she was just one person. One person who had power, enough of it to not care who she screwed over in the process. As Clarke realized this, she worried her lip, hoping Octavia's theory was dead wrong.
"I thought," Clarke cut herself off leering over at Raven who smirked proudly. She didn't even try to hide her smugness. Bellamy hated Lexa?
"Hate is a strong word," Raven mused, clearly more than amused. Clarke was taken back to after her first trip to Polis, when she questioned Raven about Bellamy and Lexa's relationship only to have a nonchalant vague answer. She didn't take too kindly to being misled like that which she made evident in the way she was sending glares to Raven who, facing Octavia, was smiling like she was Chancellor.
"Doesn't matter," Octavia rolled her eyes, now pulling at the threads, "They don't really get along that well. It took both of them a while to tolerate let alone trust each other,"
"Why?"
"They saw things differently,"
Clarke scoffed, "Somehow I find that hard to believe,"
"You don't know what happened here Clarke. You just got here but all of this, it was going on way before you showed up, way before I showed up,"
Clarke kept her teeth pressed into her bottom lip to keep from saying that it was their fault for not letting her in on "all that has happened". It reminded her that she still hasn't properly talked to Octavia, not the way she should have anyway. Raven pushed back on the plush bed so that she was sitting upright, legs in front of her with her back to the wall.
"About that day at the farmhouse," she whispered her words at Octavia who mirrored Raven's comfortable position.
"Don't Clarke. It's all on me," Octavia confirmed tucking her toes under the comforter that was at the edge of her bed.
Clarke grimaced, taking a small step forward but the next words Octavia spoke made her stop dead in her tracks.
"You were right," she sighed looking worn.
"About what?"
"It fucking hurts when people don't trust you as much as you think they do," Clarke had a feeling she was referring to something, someone, else besides herself. She felt sorry for the sixteen-year-old who may have faced those years of life much more dreadfully and unfairly than anybody else had.
"I'm sorry," Octavia looked surprised that Clarke was apologizing, although a grateful smile graced her lips.
"Me too,"
Clarke hopped up on the bed, in between the two girls who were just as broken as she was, and stretched her legs too.
"Didn't you need something from me?" Clarke turned her head to Raven, who remembered with a nod.
"It can wait,"
"Are you sure?" Clarke pressed on, speaking softly.
Raven's pony-tail bounced as she jerked her head back, "I'm sure. You can just come in tomorrow, I'll tell Wick what program needs to be updated with the new codes we discovered, then you can see if anything looks familiar. We need to get into that military unit so we can see what Jaha is planning"
"Speaking of Wick," Octavia chipped in with a tiny smirk of her own. Raven scrunched her face in disgust but Clarke wasn't buying it, she didn't say as much though.
"No, we are not speaking of Wick," she groaned, pressing her palms down on her left thigh. She dragged her hand down, slightly massaging her leg. Clarke followed her movements with her eyes.
In a flash the image of Raven covered in blood being carried in by Sinclair came to her. It was a few weeks after her father passed. She walked into the hospital expecting to have the day be as long as it had been the past couple times she'd managed to come in. Her mother tried to convince her to stay home, that she needed the time to recover, but lacked the mere aspect of child raising, which is giving a fuck. She hadn't paid attention to see that Clarke was coping, just differently. If only she knew, Clarke thought every time her mother looked away.
It was twenty minutes before their joined shift was over, when the unconscious Raven was brought in. Sinclair said he found her outside Mecha Station, but while they were getting her ready for surgery, they couldn't locate her microchip. Clarke knew instantly she was Skicru, and so did her mother. They treated her nonetheless.
"Raven, because you are not in the system anymore, I can't get the anesthetic out," Abby explained after a groggy Raven regained some consciousness.
The drugs that were distributed had a barcode alongside the locked shelves. In order to access them, patients would have to hover their chipped wrist over the barcode, and only then are they released. If Abby or Clarke were to use their own chips, Jaha would have known and especially with their relationship with him, he would have been concerned. There was no way to get them out, even Sinclair who sat in the waiting room biting his nails in anticipation, killing himself with worry, couldn't help.
"I need my leg," Raven pleaded, tears slipping down her cheeks. Abby looked at her for a long while, the bullet was lodged in her spine, causing paralysis in her left leg. The open wound was on her side meaning the bullet had to have travelled through to her back where it hit a nerve. Knowing that it takes a while for this to happen, Clarke wondered just how long Raven was injured before Sinclair brought her in.
"Hold her down, Clarke," her mother's voice was clipped, hard and tough with determination. Clarke stood still for a moment, taking in the stern line of her mother's lips and the concentration in the lines between her brows. She had never seen her so ready, so prepared, but she was after all working on saving a life, and the admiration that Clarke found herself having towards this woman who raised her was enough to remind her of what humanity can be again.
She held Raven down by her shoulder blades, she held her down when her mother pushed the scalpel onto the bruised purple skin, she held her down when she pierced their ears with her screams, bouncing off the walls, haunting them. She held her down when she cried harder, when she frantically begged the pain to end, when she finally passed out.
The surgery proceeded with Abby trying to be efficient and quick. They didn't know who may have heard Raven's loud cries, and they didn't want to risk the chance of finding out. Clarke stayed with Raven until she woke up three hours later. They didn't speak, just exchanged solemn glances, understanding that what happened here would never be spoken of. Finally, Sinclair carried her back to wherever she came from.
"Who shot you?" Clarke asked her now, staring ahead. It was a question that kept her up sometimes. She had believed it was someone from Arkadia, since Raven was from the rebel group, but now knowing the Grounders had a connection to them, she wasn't sure anymore.
"Murphy," Raven sneered the name out. Clarke's mouth fell open, she peered over at Raven first to see her expression blank, then at Octavia who looked lost in her own thoughts, absentmindedly stroking the long scar on the inside of her wrist.
"How the fuck?" Clarke didn't really know what she was saying. Still absorbed with the fact that the guy who caused Raven all that pain was somewhere in the building. The same guy who tackled her a few nights ago, an event she mentioned to no one. Judging by his remaining presence amid Skicru, Clarke figured that he had some veto for behaving the way he did. They were all indifferent about her as it is so to point a finger at one of their own, no matter how psychotic he was, wouldn't help her progression at all. Besides Finn was there, and if he hadn't been she surely would have taken care of herself.
"Long story, but yeah, he shot me," Octavia sniggered next to her, shaking her head at Raven.
"Oh why don't you play it down Reyes. No big deal, not like you almost died on us,"
"I didn't," Raven seethed, "It was a giant mess, it happened all of a sudden. Before I knew it I was in Bellamy's arms being rushed into Arkadia, then in Sinclair's, then on your mom's operating table,"
"And he's still here?" Bewilderment graced Clarke's face, even if she hadn't been there, trembling at the sound of Raven's wails in that corner room of the hospital, she still wouldn't believe that after committing such an act, Murphy was allowed to roam freely.
"He faced his punishment," Raven spoke but didn't continue further. Clarke turned and tried Octavia, giving her what she felt was a persuasive look to fill her in.
"We sent him behind the wall, to the Grounders. They took him in, Bellamy told them to keep him there for a few months. He thought that they would lock him up, maybe feed him less, make him their prisoner," she enlightened Clarke, "But they had different ideas. They tortured and beat him up, he was dripping with blood and infections when Bellamy saw him again. They tried to hang him but we found him just in time,"
"How?"
"Emori. She was the one that was in charge of healing him when he had really bad wounds. She, somehow, managed to get past Nyko and to Bellamy,"
Clarke remembered the black-haired girl, with a shiny tan that hugged Murphy when they emerged from the tunnel on Grationem Dan. Raven reading her expression gave a dry chuckle, shifting down on the bed so that her head met the pillow.
"That's right, Murphy shoots me and he gets a new girlfriend while I lose some sensation in my left leg that causes pain anytime I walk for longer than ten minutes,"
"Do you want a new girlfriend?" Octavia asked wiggling her brow in mock seduction.
"Please, Blake you couldn't handle this," Raven winked before closing her eyes, getting comfortable against the grey pillow, "It is tempting though, I know you Blakes are amazing in that department,"
"Ew," Octavia scrunched her nose in distaste while Clarke choked on air. She looked down at Raven who had an amused grin stretching from ear to ear.
"You and Bellamy?" Clarke didn't expect this. Yes, Raven was an attractive girl, and the strength she carried with her makes her that much more attractive but she never would have imagined that her and Bellamy would be together…in that way.
She was just surprised, that's all. So many shocking revelations were coming to the surface today. Raven could've admitted to sleeping with anybody else, Jasper, Monty even Wick, and she still would have found it surprising.
"I don't want to hear about this shit," Octavia complained.
"Relax Clarke, it was one time, a long time ago. Didn't mean anything to either of us," she was silent for a moment, contemplating something before speaking again, "It was more us using each other I guess. He needed release from all the pent up anger he had at the world, and I needed to forget a few things," at the regretful tone of Raven's voice, Clarke felt sorry for them, maybe more Raven than Bellamy. She knew, first hand, that the desire to feel something, anything, outweighed any logic the brain possessed, "so you can stop your heart palpitation," Raven finished off, the never ending smirk still on her lips.
"What? No," At the mention of her and the dark-haired rebel leader, with eyes that bore into her every time she looked his way, caused a flutter to vibrate through her body. She slipped down the bed until her head was next to Raven, half on her pillow, half on the one under Octavia.
"It's not like that," Clarke began but when Octavia's head was right next to hers, the green eyes gleaming at her cunningly, she kept her mouth shut. If she denied it they'd think she was hiding something, and if she tried to side-step it they'd think she has something to side-step, which she doesn't.
It wasn't like that at all.
If anything he confused the hell out of her. One moment she thinks she's coming through to him, that he might actually believe her, or even sees things her way. The next moment he's his dark and less than charming self who is dismissive and on guard around anyone who isn't his little sister.
"What, so I get teased about Wick, made fun of because I'm crippled, and then questioned about Bellamy, but then I can't say anything about you guys?" Raven whined in a voice that may have been too loud for the quiet space they've created.
"No one teased you about being crippled," Octavia ridiculed as she reached over Clarke to smack Raven playfully, "but I am interested to know about you Clarke,"
"Know what?"
"For starters, why did you really come here?"
She froze for a second, the ceiling still in her view, she shrugged her shoulders, "You already know, I'm here to help," Clarke felt knowing eyes burn into the sides of her face, but she kept her façade up. When they didn't budge, she pushed her palms further into the mattress.
"I- I just didn't think it was living, what they were forcing us to do. It wasn't life, it was like we should have been thankful to them, for killing our families, and chipping us, and letting us breathe free air that we are entitled to," disdain all over her face she shrugged again, "It's bullshit,"
"Fucking bullshit," Raven agreed, lifting her hand up to the side, palm facing Clarke, who smirked lightly giving her a high-five.
Octavia crackled, black hair darker against the grey pillows, "Complete bullshit, but that can't be the only reason," Clarke held her breath, wanting the conversation to diffuse into the air.
"It is," she panned, but this time their glares weren't scorning, they accepted it drifting their attention to something else.
Her mind brought her to the cold air that wrapped around her that night when she stood outside the Dropship debating whether to enter or not. She recalled how worried she was, how the nerves controlled her, convinced her that she couldn't pull this off. This "mission" she kept referring to was going to be her undoing, but she told the voice to fuck off, and took those dreadful steps forward.
Moments after her father passed away, when she still held him tightly in her arms sobbing loudly, with thick tears flowing down her cheeks, she made herself a promise.
Jake Griffin, had died trying to unite all people together. Wanting to co-exist and live in a world where no one should be judged, or exiled because of petty things, like where they came from. She took that on, promising herself and her father that when the time comes, she will unite both fronts, giving them the opportunity to live as humans should, by deciding for themselves how they should live.
She would achieve this, no matter what. That being said, it means her connections would have to be at a distance, if she got too close it could jeopardize everything. Allowing the people, she met on the Dropship to find comfort in her heart, or show them anymore attention then she needed to, would ruin her.
And as she sat in between the two brunettes, who came from being unwanted, from being pushed aside and washed away, she shoved the need to fit in, to belong, no matter how unwanted and washed away she was as well. Because in her heart, she knew the real answer. She knew what had to happen first before unity can truly prevail, but with the two days left in the time frame that she was given, she hoped she could avoid that and skip to the part where they shook hands and agreed to coincide so that she can get out of this place as soon as she can.
The high voices brought her out of her train of thought. Octavia and Raven were now having a different conversation, speaking over her in teasing tones.
"What?" Clarke let out over their giggles, waiting to get caught up.
"Where did you go off to? I was just telling Reyes here that she couldn't go a day without insulting lover boy,"
"Wick?" Clarke clarified, when Octavia nodded, she turned to find a raging Raven.
"Shit, here we go again," Octavia joked as she and Clarke threw their heads back laughing at the expression that could kill.
"You know why don't we talk about how Lincoln is too much of a pussy to actually stand up to your brother and be with you," Raven directed at Octavia in haste, and the latter girl shut her mouth abruptly. When Raven directed her eyes at Clarke she wasn't able to get a word in because Clarke beat her to the chase.
"Don't even think about it, there's nothing going on with Finn," Clarke watched as both girls now froze, the laughter had died down and the atmosphere grew dense, "He's sweet, and maybe, if I was someone else," she paused, not really knowing why she was telling them this. It was really more for Raven's benefit. Clarke realized that her friendship, no matter how little it was, with Raven outweighed anything she might have ever felt for Finn, which wasn't much really.
"He's just not the one," she determined, knowing that there was no time to think or wonder at the concept of 'the one'.
"That wasn't who I was going to refer to, but it's okay Clarke, really,"
Clarke ignored the first part of her claim, and instead bumped her shoulder playfully, "I don't know what happened between you guys, not exactly anyways, but—"
"He cheated," Raven muffled, glaring at the ceiling, "we came here together, after something happened," Clarke didn't interrupt to tell her she knew about Mount Weather Woods, "and he was forced to come, it was the only way we could be together, romantic huh?" she chuckled darkly.
"What happened?"
"I think he was angry with me, or he was tired of being here, being away from his family. But it wasn't even the epic walked in on him in bed with her, it was the been-flirting-for-a-couple-of weeks-and-fell-for-someone-else only to keep it to himself until I had no choice but to end it,"
It fell silent once more, and they warmed up to it. It was kind of comforting, despite the sad fog that hovered over them.
"Where is she now?" Clarke asked curiously. Neither girl spoke, or even glanced her way but at the clench of Raven's jaw, and the way Octavia retuned to pulling at the threads she knew that the question held so much, and the answer wouldn't easily make it to her ears.
"He's a dick Raven," Octavia said instead. Clarke watched Raven roll her eyes but nod along anyway.
"Yeah, well, it doesn't make what happened any less real. I picked him, and after everything we've been through together, he picked someone else,"
Clarke saw the pain Raven tried to conceal, saw the way her heart was probably turning in her chest at the thought of another abandonment.
"I'd pick you," Clarke wrapped her fingers around Raven's wrist in consolation. Raven, startled by the gesture, turned her wrist over, slipping her hand into Clarke's giving her a gentle squeeze in appreciation.
"So…" Clarke trailed off after a couple of seconds filled with light breathing in the quiet room, "I think I've figured out a way to get both sides what they want," she informed the girls who were staring at her and each other warily.
"Fine, let's hear it," Raven answered, shifting so that she was leaning on her right side to show that Clarke had her full and undivided attention.
"When Lexa and the leaders from the twelve clans come into Polis, we meet with them to discuss a negotiation—"
"They don't want to negotiate," she was cut off by Octavia who received a pointed look for interrupting.
"No, they don't want to negotiate because they think we have nothing to offer them, but, we do. We have supplies and resources that they don't even know about. The technology will make farming and purifying the water supply much easier for them. Not to mention the houses we can help them build instead of their wooden cabins that catch fire the instant the sun burns too brightly, or their makeshift materials that don't work as well as ours do." Clarke ranted as her brain worked quickly to get all the words out before she was interrupted again, "The only reason they aren't asking for it isn't just because they don't know we have it, but because Skicru is willingly to trading with them thereby giving them enough materials and items that they don't need to enter in a treaty. If we cut off all ties between the Grounders and Skicru, then we force them into a negotiation,"
"What about Arkadia? The Grounders might, and I repeat might give in to this crazy idea if not beat us all to death for trying to cut ties, but what about Arkadia? They are also a threat Clarke," Raven's puzzled look gave Clarke all the encouragement to continue. Raven was thinking about it, considering all the possibilities of Clarke's plan and that was good enough for Clarke.
"Arkadia is unprovoked. They have no reason to attack especially if they are keeping the idea of the Grounder's existence quiet. We meet with Jaha and my mom in private, negotiate with them for the benefit of both the Grounders and their own. The Grounders have just as much to offer,"
"What about the wall?" Octavia's voice rang in her ears.
"We find a way to slowly take it down too, but that's farther into the future. Right now we just need to focus on getting both sides to realize they need the other to survive,"
"But they don't Clarke, the Grounders have survived this far and long all on their own, and besides Blake wouldn't go for it,"
"He told me he will," she fought back. She didn't understand why it took this sudden turn. It was fine for them to question her suggestions and ideas because it meant they were listening, considering, but when they offered pessimistic responses it meant that they thought it through and found enough problems to dismiss it.
"He told you?" raised eyebrows greeted her when she turned her head to the right and left taking in the astonishment that both girls held.
"You don't know my brother," Octavia was serious and the butterflies in Clarke's stomach took off. She was worried. She knew Bellamy was an asshole but she didn't think he'd lie to her, or give her false hope in thinking she can solve this when really he was going to go to war either way.
"He's sacrificed a lot, and I don't just mean for me, which is…unbelievable. But he suffered for a long while," Octavia's eyes were glimmering, and the sudden shift in mood was taking its toll on them.
"He'd do it all over again, that's the kind of prick he is," Raven mentioned softly.
They were obviously talking about the same thing but she didn't know what. She didn't know what he must have done to gain such high praise, from Raven of all people, maybe he wasn't who she thought he was. He had proved that much to her before, but there's something about him. Something she couldn't figure out or couldn't bring herself to let the captivation grip her hard enough into figuring it out.
"My brother, he's protective," Clarke snorted at the biggest understatement of the year, Octavia ignored her continuing, "He's all I have, besides Lincoln, who I'm not even sure of anymore," she paused staring down at her hands, then turned her face to look directly at Clarke, "I just, I think that you not backing down when he's being a dick is really helping all of us, but at the same time, you can't put all your hope in this plan of yours. No matter what he says,"
"Your brother," Clarke smirked at Octavia, "is a huge ass," it got a scoff and a smirk, "but he's different," when no one said anything else, the three pairs of eyes on the ceiling, Clarke felt brave enough to resume, "he challenges me, you know, in this weird way where I don't just want to prove myself to him but I feel like I need to for myself,"
"Is that a bad thing?" Octavia whispered softly.
"No," Clarke answered barely able to control her breathing.
It wasn't a bad thing at all, in fact, he was giving her the opportunity to discover and become herself in ways she could only dream. Since she could remember, she was constantly shattered with "Be careful Clarke,", "Watch out, Honey,", "No, Clarke, it's too dangerous,", making her feel useless, like fragile glass that can't help herself. Her whole life she was sheltered. Taking that big leap into jumping on that train and coming to Skicru was the most exhilarating thing she had ever done.
She was not trusted enough to help her father avoid death, or encouraged to expand and become something, anything, more. It was suffocating, being expected to live life a certain way, and not question or fight for anything else.
She was always under the protection of her parents, or Chancellor Jaha and his son, who grew very fond of her. She appreciated it, but those shackles were non-existent in Skicru. Even if they didn't admit it, they knew her potential.
Wick, Bryan and Jasper welcomed her into engineering as if she was more than her dad's memory tool. They discussed things with her, waited for her response, even considered some of her suggestions. Monty and Harper, despite being in their own pining for each other little bubble, embraced her theories about the war that was coming or different methods of treating poison in a wound. Even Raven bantered with her, forcing her to dig deep into her mind to find ways to cope and deal with the pressure she was under.
And Bellamy, he never looked at her like she was fragile. He didn't tell her to stay back or stay behind when things got too crazy. Granted they weren't under many situations where she was possibly in any danger, but even then, she's sure he'd be confident in letting her fight for herself.
"It's like freedom," her voice was barely audible, coming back to Octavia's bedroom. She spoke so quietly she wasn't sure if they heard her, but she knew they did when Octavia gripped her wrist in understanding. Octavia comprehended this better than any other soul, she was aware of how barriers crushed hope so easily, so willingly without a second glance. Clarke couldn't imagine it, while she was shielded because her parents were overbearing and worried, Octavia was shielded because she wasn't allowed to be alive.
How fucked up, she thought, a burning sensation met the back of her throat. She couldn't pretend to get it, not even if she tried, because the reality in this world they're living in is fucked up.
Arkadia was consuming. It was the best word to explain a place that took and took from its people without considering them first. Chancellor Jaha, in times of difficulty, explained that he did not create these rules, these laws, he is merely enforcing them to ensure their survival. They are after all, the only human life in the world, minus the Grounders. But, Clarke thought, how far would you go for survival? How much of humanity, or basic civil rights, would you have to give up just so you can make sure there's enough food and water to last several more years?
Arkadia and the Grounders at war will only intensify the Chancellor's behavior. Bellamy couldn't be right about this, about going to war. She wouldn't let him be. But, as her time on the Dropship progressed, she found that her run-ins with him were happening less and less. It made her wonder what he was doing instead. Alpha Squad had finished their intense four-week training, and with things quiet on both the Arkadian and Grounder front, there really wasn't anything that could take up so much of his time.
Octavia and Raven, they understood her, and she loved that feeling. They fell into a comfortable silence, seeming to forget that they have other responsibilities left waiting for them. Clarke didn't want to think about the patients wondering how a half hour break transformed into an hour long break instead. Or about how when all this is over, when the war is stopped, when she's sure they're on their way to peace, she won't be around. No, she pushed back that thought, those feelings, to the deepest darkest corners of her mind and let herself enjoy whatever comfort she had now.
It was nice, truly and undeniably nice how easy it was to joke around with them. How confident she felt in Raven's presence, or how it was easy to be influenced by Octavia's kindness. She had never had friends like this. People would usually stay clear of her, even those from her social class, for obvious reasons.
But she should have known that it was too good to be true. Never in her life had she been able to completely and utterly fall into something she liked, or found some joy in. Because in the few minutes that followed, the door rattled, Octavia's book shelves hammered against the wall, books thudding to the floor, and all three pairs of eyes widened.
The ground was shaking, it felt like an earthquake but it wasn't one. Clarke knew it wasn't for the simple fact of having heard a huge exploding sound right before the tremors began to work their way through the ground, up the bed post, and down her spine.