Thanks for continued support! I hope you still like reading after the twist things take in this chapter... even I am a little nervous about it.

bluefrosty27, it might have been because he didn't want me to leave, but at the time I just figured he was annoyed with himself for being friendly and cooperative for a change.

CHAPTER EIGHT: Everything Changes

So much has happened, I hardly know where to begin. I suppose it started yesterday, when we went to the library to return The Great Gatsby on audiobook which we had just finished. Sometime soon, we'll have to watch the movie (that's the proper way to do it: read the book and then watch the movie, and for very good reasons, as I am finding out and you are about to).

I had never checked a book out of a library before, and Levi graciously told me I could look around and check something out if I wanted to, so I started exploring. With the help of the library computer, I learned the names of the books in the series that my canon movie came from, and the name of the author. We looked for an audiobook, but there was none. Next we tried young adult fiction. I suppose I should have known it wouldn't be there, but I had little to go on.

"Don't give up," Eren told me.

We went through the juvenile section, looking at all the J's. So many Jones books. Then—Joyce! It was there! Well, three out of four. The important thing is, Book One, Nicholas St. North, was there. I checked it out and Eren teased me a little on the way outside because... well, I was just about crying. I can't explain the emotions I was feeling. Happy, I guess, mostly, but also overwhelmed. It was like I was the last survivor of some long-forgotten race and I had stumbled across a history book that told all about my people. Very much like that.

"Be careful, though," Eren warned me. He explained that once I started reading this book, my own memories might change, like when someone goes back in time and starts changing events, people's memories get altered to fit the new series of events.

I guess I didn't take him as seriously as I should have. The book was almost all I thought about as we made a couple more stops at second-hand stores. We were trying to find brown pants and a blue hoodie for Mairead, so I could feel more like myself when I was in front. (We didn't find a good hoodie, incidentally, but we found a pair of pants that I think will do.)

Anyway, I didn't get to start reading until last night, and right away I began to see what Eren meant. If you haven't read the books about the Guardians of Childhood, this is going to be a bit of a spoiler. So I'm warning you. But I will try not to spoil much. The thing is, a few chapters in I learned that Pitch used to be a hero. He was a hero who got corrupted, and it really wasn't even his fault. He tried to do something kind and it ended up allowing the darkness to swallow him up. I almost cried again when I read about that.

I also realized that Pitch's memories of his mother and brothers didn't take place on Earth at all, but on another planet with similar woods and similar wolves. My memory of my sister probably didn't take place on Earth either. It might have... I haven't read far enough to be sure. But I learned how the Man in the Moon came to be the Man in the Moon. I learned that North started out as a bandit. All of this information... so overwhelming.

I keep saying to myself, over and over, "I knew it. I knew he wasn't always evil. Now I have to convince the others..."

Eren keeps telling me I may not want to take the book back to my world. Once I do that, my world will be changed forever. This version of me is born of the movie canon mixed with Mairead's imagination. Once I add the book into the mix, Eren says, I'll split this reality off and turn it into a sort of "alternate universe." Things we all took for solid facts may change completely. Even the things I helped Pitch remember might be altered slightly. And while I'm thinking of it, that memory about the Man in the Moon telling him his name—I have no idea if that happened right after the wolf incident or not.

I'm starting to think that he didn't die out there in the snow after all. Maybe someone found him and he just didn't remember that part because it wasn't important at the time, or because it's not the kind of "precious memory" that get stored with children's teeth. My mind is so blown, I don't know what to think. Or what to do. Maybe I should just stop reading. Return the book and forget what I learned.

But I can't. I think I have to finish reading the book, for better or worse, and then take a copy back to my world. I think we stand to gain more than we stand to lose. And Eren has promised that whatever happens, he won't let me forget about Jamie.

I really believe that once the other Guardians know what I know, once we've discovered all that this book can tell us, they'll look differently at Pitch. They can't hate him when they know that it really wasn't his fault. I'm sure of that. Sure enough that I think it's worth the risk. So, I'm scared, but I'm going to keep reading.

I've typed all this very quickly—I'm going to work with the guys today, but I'm taking the book along to read when we have downtime. I'm going to read this thing as quickly as I can. I'm already at least a quarter of the way through, maybe a third. Once I have more to say, I'll fill you in. This isn't enough for a chapter... and I apologize because it's not very story-like. I'm just so confused and amazed right now.

Incidentally, I have to count myself lucky in a way. Eren said that he and Levi started reading their manga canon. But a few sections in, it started to make him sick and he had to stop. So, I should be grateful that my book canon hasn't been that shocking or disturbing so far.

/'*

OK, I'm just over halfway through the book. The more I read, the more I think Eren is right: I need to get the whole picture before I go back to my world and start spreading around what I know. I also have to decide if I really want to do that. Do I want my friends to change into slightly different versions of themselves? Do I want to change? I guess I should ask, have I changed already?

I don't feel much different. Just overwhelmed, still. Reading North's background is very interesting, but I have yet to see exactly how I fit into everything. And I still have a lot of unanswered questions about Pitch, too.

I'm kind of nervous to go back now. I'm afraid everyone will know that something is off and try to get me to tell them what's going on. If Pitch thinks I'm hiding something from him, who knows how he'll react? Our friendship is on pretty shaky ground. He's still small and weak, but just because he can't fight me doesn't mean he can't hurt me. I don't think people understand how much I hate seeing kids who are upset. And when a kid is mad at me... that kills me. And if it really is my fault that the kid is upset, that's even worse.

I don't know what to do except keep reading. I can't un-learn what I've learned, so I may as well learn as much as I can. I think the best thing to do is try to finish this book as quickly as possible, and then make a decision about what to tell the others. I know now that my story came from a story (well, a movie) that came from a story (a book series) that came from so many stories (folk lore in this world)... So I have to take all of that into account before I decide how to shape my own story. And, oh good gods, then there's THIS story that I'm writing right now. I now understand why people sometimes bang their heads on walls. They just want all the noise in there to stop.

So, one way or the other, things are changing around here. My future is at a crossroads, and I wish there were only two options to decide between. But this is one of those crazy sign posts pointing in every direction, some even just labelled and pointing "up" or "that way." I'm sorry for how... "meta," Eren says the term is... this story has become, but there was always a bit of that from the beginning. I just hope it still amounts to a decent story after this.

I wish I could ask someone for advice. North, or Tooth or Sandy... or even Bunny. At least I have Eren and Levi. (Vin went back to his world today, planning to come back later. I hope he does; he was nice.) Levi always gives logical advice, and Eren kind of follows his gut. But they've been in this world a lot longer than I have, so they know a lot about dealing with discrepancies between your canon and your personal memories, as well as dealing with the knowledge that you're a fictional character... Imagine being someone whose power comes from people believing in you, and knowing for a fact that you are not real. Think about it a minute. A little longer.

Does your brain hurt yet? Yeah, mine too. That's why we don't think about that kind of thing very long or often.

To wrap up, I'm going back to my reading. I know you're dying to know what will happen with Pitch, and frankly so am I. But I want to do this right. And if I manage to do it right, I think this story will turn out all the better for it. So, please be patient with me.

I suspect if I get comments on this chapter, it will be either advice or a question... or maybe criticism. Really, I'll look at anything you have to say. Maybe it will help. ~Jack