Chapter 30

They were looking at each other's eyes. Catherine knew she did a huge mistake by bringing up Jackie leaving the school but now she did not know how to get out of the problem. "That is it," she thought to herself, "my life is over thanks to Jacqueline Kirk again."

Suddenly, Alexandra flashed a sinister smile:

-So, you did not meet at the party. Was she your student?

Catherine shook her head.

-Wow... What is with all this secrecy? I am telling you so many things and apparently, you did not share with me anything.

-Look...

-I've got to tell you, I thought you are an ordinary boring instructor. Now, I see a wild side of you… Which I like, by the way.

Alexandra winked at Catherine and reclined on the couch.

Getting Alexandra back to a state where she was intimidating her definitely was not making Catherine happy. She felt miserable. Not only she has lost Jackie today but also her secret is out, which can destroy her already settled life in New York and put her into a difficult position. Where else could she go after New York? Without thinking how to take the communication further, she forced out of herself:

-Are you going to tell anyone?

-Catherine, please. Why are you so terrified about this? It is not as if you sexually harassed students. You just developed feeling for one of the students. It can happen to anyone... Those conservative idiots think it is unethical though.

Alexandra finished the sentence while rolling her eyes. Then she added with a kind smile:

-I won't tell anyone. I promise.

Catherine felt a sudden relief.

-It is a very intimate issue to me. I don't want to discuss it.

-It is OK. I don't expect you to tell me everything. It is all up to you. Note that you can always talk to me when you will need to share something. I will be more than happy to listen.

Catherine replied with a sad smile. She was relieved that she could trust Alexandra. Looking at her, Catherine wanted to tell her everything. Everything she kept inside herself for so long.

-Can I ask you, Catherine? Is that the reason why you left Bloomington? Did you not want to stay there after she left?

Catherine looked at Alexandra. She wondered if she should tell the truth? At least a part of it? She was not sure and therefore, she simply nodded.

After a brief silence, which was unbearable for Catherine, Alexandra said:

-Did you fight for her?

Catherine looked at her with a terror of being probed.

-What?

-I am asking whether you fought for her. Did you ask her to stay that time at Bloomington? Or now, did you tell her how much you want her to stay?

-Well, she knows that I'm upset.

-It is not enough, Catherine. Did you tell her how much she means to you? Did you offer her to stay a little bit longer?

Catherine started thinking. In Bloomington, she was the one to repel Jackie. She was the one to let her go. And now, she is standing here, in front of a stranger and complaining about how Jackie was unfair with her.

-In both situations, she was the one who wanted to leave.

-Maybe, Catherine. But did you try to stop her?

Catherine did not like the direction where this talk was going to.

-Look, people come into our lives. Then they might want to leave. It is quite normal. It is up to us if we are going to let them go.

-So you think that it is my fault.

Catherine felt a burst of anger.

-Don't get me wrong, Catherine. But what were you thinking when you fell in love with a much younger woman... Girl. I don't even know how to call her. Don't tell me you expected her to leave everything, move in with you and live with you as a couple till death do you part. Come on, you are a grown-up woman; you must have known that she cannot be trusted with that.

-You think I am stupid to fall in love with her?!

-No. I don't think you are stupid. We do not choose who to fall in love with. But I think you have missed an important point. You cannot expect a young girl to give up everything and settle down just for you. She is not ready for this. Would you be ready at her age?

Catherine hushed. There was a point in what Alexandra said but she did not want to give up so early.

-What should I do?

-Go to her. Talk to her. Tell her everything you feel.

-Why me?

-Because you are the mature one. Because you have to do it before it is too late. A day could come when you would wish to go back and have that talk with her.

-I have too much pride for this.

-Pride is stupid.

Alexandra smiled sadly.

-How would you know? Have you ever felt the pain of being abandoned?

-I haven't.

-You see. It is easy to judge me. You have never been abandoned. You had a perfect relationship with the woman you loved and suddenly you think of yourself as a great expert on relationship issues.

-You know nothing about me.

-Really? What is it I don't know about you? You loved her so much that you can't get rid of her memories even though she is not around anymore. Jackie would have never done that for me.

-Don't drag me into this. You know nothing about me, nor her.

-And what is it I don't know?

Alexandra hushed looking at Catherine with begging eyes to stop.

-Come on. Tell me, what is it I don't know about you. What kind of a dark secret might you have? Tell me. Come on, tell me now.

-I cheated on her!

Alexandra's shout echoed all over the apartment.