Chapter 31

Catherine witnessed a tear slowly going down on Alexandra's cheek. Her lips were pressed together as if she was mad at herself for saying it. She looked vulnerable: the way Catherine had never seen her before.

-Did she know about it?

Alexandra closed her eyes for a second and said with a breaking voice:

-No. She never knew.

Catherine moved to the armchair right in front of Alexandra to see her face clearly.

-But why? You were in love with her. At least, that is what you told me.

Wiping her tears with the back of her hands like a child, Alexandra looked at the bookshelves next to her. While looking in the same direction, Catherine saw some photos on the shelves. Although she did not see the photos clearly, she knew who was on them. Meanwhile, Alexandra started talking with a calm voice.

-I told you pride is stupid. All that pride shit got me into this.

She turned to Catherine and smiled sadly.

-I loved her a lot. I can't even explain to you how much I loved her. We did not fight a lot but when we did, boy it was something. Before her trip to France, that fucking trip, we had a fight. A big one and we said each other stuff that we did not mean as usual. I was too young back then with a boosting ego. I could not digest her words. I was very angry with her. What made the situation even worst; she left a day later after the fight. We could not talk to each other properly to settle everything down. Later on the day of her departure, I went to a party we were invited together. At first, I did not want to go because she was going to be out of the country. However, after the fight, I decided to go alone. Had a couple of drinks. Talked to a few people. Again had a couple of drinks. Became very welcoming with a girl who openly flirted with me. One more set of shots. A few hours later, I was leaving her naked on the bed in her apartment.

She stood up and started walking slowly in the room. While walking in front of the bookshelves she was looking at the other side as if she avoided to look at the photos in order not to come face to face with Cecile.

-You know…

She turned to Catherine with a sad smile.

-I called her in the morning. She apologized for everything she said. I apologized for everything I said. I wanted to tell her about the night. I told her that I want to tell her something very important. Something that is killing me from inside. She said we will discuss it upon her return. I did not want to argue. Therefore, I agreed. I wish, I did not. She never returned from that trip.

Alexandra stopped. Her voice broke. It took her some time to start talking.

-What about me? I live with the horrible guilt. I die and born every fucking day since her death. I go to her grave at least once a year to apologize. To say that I am so sorry for being a huge fuck-up. I am stuck with it until I die and I cannot get over it.

Catherine was speechless. She had to say something but she did not know what.

-I am sorry.

-I wish you'd never known.

-It is OK. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I'd better leave.

-Of course…

-It is not you. Really. It is…

She came closer to Alexandra and looked her into the eyes.

-I am sorry to bring you to this state. Apparently, I have been fixating too much on myself recently.

-If you still need my advice… Go talk to her. At least you have a chance to do it.

Once more, a tear went down on her cheek. Catherine came a little bit closer and kissed her gently on her cheek while wiping off the tear from the other one.

-I will.

While sitting in her car. Catherine gripped the wheel with both hands. So many things were going on in her head. The information she got on Alexandra in one hand and Jackie on the other hand. She never felt the agony that Alexandra lives in. Not until today. She always thought of her as one of the people who had a perfect life and a relationship without a problem. Seeing her most vulnerable time, Catherine could not forgive herself to bring her into that state of being. Sitting in her car, right in front of Alexandra's apartment building, she did not want to go and leave her like that. She did not know what to do. She was living through a terrible dilemma.

After 20 minutes of thinking on what to do, she took off her cell phone and dialed Jackie.

-Are you still in the room?

-Yes, I am. Where are you? Are you OK?

-I am coming to you. I know it is late but we need to talk. We should have talked before but better late than never…