Chapter 32
-Catherine!
Exclaimed Jackie and threw or herself on her.
-I am sorry. Sorry for hurting, sorry for saying those words… I… I simply do not know how to make it up to you. You do not deserve it. You do not deserve anything I told you.
Catherine's eyes filled with tears. She tried hard not to cry. Holding Jackie, she took her face into her hands and kissed her forehead.
-It is OK, porcupine. We just need to talk. We have to solve it.
Tears were already dropping from her eyes and her voice was cracking while she talked. She took Jackie by the hand and sat down on the couch making her also sit.
-Catherine, where did you g…
Catherine did not want to discuss it, so immediately she cut off Jackie and continued to talk herself:
-Since you came back, I started making plans about us. The same way I did back in Bloomington. I did it all by myself. Without talking to you. Without getting your ideas on it. I believe I had to talk to you before expecting anything from you. I love you and I want to be with you. You may not be ready to deal with it and until today, I was not able to think of it. I have no right to expect anything from you.
Jackie was sitting still. She looked at Catherine as if she could see through her.
-I don't know what to say. I did not expect you to think of it.
-It took me a long time to understand it.
Smiled Catherine.
Jackie stood up and put her knees on the ground in front of Catherine. While putting her hands on Catherine's knees, she looked her in the eyes and said:
-There is something about you. Whenever I am with you, I feel like I have never felt before. With you, I feel complete, unique and strong. But then… Something happens. Always something gets in our way. The last time it was the job. Now it's …
-Again job.
Catherine said with a sad smile face.
Jackie looked upset.
-I do love you.
-But you are not ready to leave everything for me.
A tear went down on Jackie's face.
-I worked hard for all of these. It is not easy to drop it all.
-I understand. I really do.
-Catherine, I will still love you.
-Jackie…
Catherine stop because of her cracking voice.
-Love is great. But do you know what is even better? To be by my side. I am not in an age when I can fall in love and be depressed about it. I really should start thinking of building a life with somebody. To have someone I can rely on. I am in my mid-30s and I have spent all my adult life alone. Of course, it is all my fault.
She stood and started walking in the room.
-I did so many stupid things. Looking back at them, I feel like an idiot. Affairs with college students are just a part of this all idiotism. When you came into my life, I thought you would be one of the temporary experiences. But… you were the only one I did not want to end it with. When you started regularly traveling to Los Angeles, I saw the spark acting is making in your eyes and I got scared. I thought you will leave me anyways. Therefore, I wanted to end it before you did it. Otherwise, it could hurt more. Little did I know that no matter who finishes it first, it does not hurt less.
She turned her face to Jackie who was sitting on her bed and listening her stumbled.
-After you left, I was jobless for a long time and it got me to thinking that I am lonely. Of course, it was not a new observation. I felt that every single holiday. However, loads of work would never let me fixate on it too much. That unemployed period I was in Bloomington I felt that I am lonely and after the reputation damage, I could not go to parties or any other events since people murmuring around made me uncomfortable. Plus, no one wanted to see me anyways.
Catherine sadly smiled.
Jackie was silent. She could not say anything. After a brief silence, she opened her mouth and a calm voice of a little girl said:
-I am so sorry. I am really sorry, Catherine. I wish you would have never experienced that. I was the one to listen to all the rumors about you and sometimes laugh at them because I thought it was funny how others do not know you well as I do. Now, listening to you, I think it was not right. You are not that kind of scary and bad person as they all describe you. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. I wish I could make you happy. I wish…
-You are young, Jaqueline. You are going to have so many chances. I am not getting any younger. I love you but I have to…
Tears were choking her and Catherine forced herself to finish what she started:
-Although I want you to stay, I have to let you go.
Jackie came closer to Catherine and hugged her. When she raised her head, she saw Catherine looking into her eyes. A few seconds later, their lips were touching each other and their tongues were pressed against each other. They were kissing. Kissing as it was the last time they do it.