Chapter 18 You Found Me, You Found Me
Jim crosses school registration off his list. It's not the fancy private school Joanna attended in Atlanta but his schedule doesn't allow time to interview at a lot of schools. He basically only has two requirements: they'll take Joanna mid semester and location. Jocelyn agreed to oversee the moving of Joanna's personal items and to take care of the legal paperwork regarding custodial guardianship with a stern warning of Jim's head on a silver platter if anything should happen to her little girl over what will be a six month test run.
Jim's not sure any of this is a good idea but the train's already left the station and all he can really do now is go along with the ride. The other night wasn't Joanna's first disappearing act from home and Jim knows this particular story all too well to not want to try and change it. What exactly is he going to do with a teenager full time while juggling Leonard and a war though?
"Here's your class schedule," says Jim dropping the PADD on the kitchen table as he returns home. Leonard's happily munching on his little bite sized squares of grilled cheese sandwich Joanna prepared while Jim was out. It might be nice to have an extra set of hands to help out with Leonard more often at home.
Joanna picks it up, looking it over as she eats her grilled cheese sandwich. "Wait, this has a bunch of biology classes on it."
"The school councillor said they were good ones to take for future medical students," explains Jim.
"Who said I wanted to go to medical school?" asks Joanna defensively with that irritated scowl she seems to permanently wear these days.
"You did. It's always been a dream of yours to be a nurse or a doctor," bites Jim back defensively.
"Maybe I don't want to do that anymore," she says sullenly, pushing the PADD away like putting physical distance from it will change the situation.
"Okay?" says Jim, wonder exactly when that plan changed. "Do you have a plan?" Jim's never heard mention of anything else. The idea of lawyer was floated around but Jim's impression was that was more Jocelyn's hopes than Joanna's aspirations.
"I was thinking I'd join Starfleet. Serve on a ship or something like that."
Jim presses his lips together tightly. He can't say anything, since he's currently a member of Starfleet, that wouldn't come off as hypocritical, but he's not enthusiastic about the proposition. Maybe it's the current state of affairs in the universe and the fact that being involved in an active war with the Klingons makes being a part of Starfleet all the more dangerous, or maybe it's that Leonard made no secret of not wanting his little girl taking risks on a flying tin can to start with.
"It's all that was available on short notice, so you'll have to tough it out for the rest of the semester. If you feel that way after you can change your program next semester." It's a rather cowardice way out of the conversation but Jim's really hoping it's just a phase. He needs it to be phase. He doesn't want any harm to come to Joanna the way it did Leonard.
Jim's not paying attention as he heads down the hall; he's trying to work out the Klingon attack strategy for the Flartin system in his head and get down to Leonard's day care to deal with a meltdown the nurses commed him about. As a result he walks right into the only other person clearly not paying attention, knocking them both on their asses.
"Ouch," hisses the women rubbing her head where she collided with Jim.
"Shit. Sorry," mumbles Jim, scrambling to pick up the scattered PADDs that are spread across the floor.
"I think it might have been my fault," she says, accepting Jim's hand as he helps her to her feet and hands her some of the PADDs. "I'm Carol, by the way," she adds, shifting her arm load to offer her hand.
Jim tucks his PADDs under his arm and shakes her hand, getting his first real look at her. His mouth hangs open awkwardly for a moment as he takes in her beauty before realizing she's waiting for him to speak. "Jim, Jim Kirk."
"It's nice to finally meet you Captain Kirk," she says with a smile. "My father speaks highly of you," she clarifies.
Jim frowns. "Your father?"
"Ah, I see you've met my daughter, Carol," greets Admiral Marcus as he strolls up to the pair with his usual confident strut.
"We just met," says Carol.
"I was looking over your report this morning, Kirk. It's good work and I think you may be right about what the Klingons are planning. Perhaps we should talk about it some more in my office. I think Carol might be doing some research that might be of interest to you."
"I…" starts Jim, looking down the hall to the turbo lift. A meeting with Marcus to discuss his work could have an impact on this war, it could save lives. His finger taps against the back of the PADD. The nurse didn't say they couldn't handle Leonard right now, just that he might benefit from Jim stopping in. A conversation with the head of the military branch of Starfleet isn't an opportunity one should exactly squander.
Marcus looks down at his watch.
"Yes, sir," agrees Jim, following in step behind the Admiral and his daughter.
It's one thing to lead the charge, to dance on the razor's edge where angels fear to tread, it's another to order others to do it. Jim has complete faith in the Enterprise crew, he does, but his finger still hesitates before he taps the screen making the order official. He wants to be out there on the front lines with his friends and ship, keeping them safe. He wants to prevent another situation that leads to burying another friend like with Pike.
Jim's written and rewritten his letter for reinstatement a million times. He used to know exactly what his life was and now it's like he hit the pause button and everyone else moved on. What if he could make the difference between victory or defeat, between his crew making it home or not, and he's just sitting here strategizing and hypothesizing with the upper admiralty?
Jim stares at the letter every day. Then he thinks of Leonard and what happens if Jim chases his destiny back out into the stars. He puts the PADD back in his bottom desk drawer and tries to ignore the feeling of being useless that descends upon him.
Admiral Marcus's offer turns over in his head. It seems like the answer to all his problems but an unease grips him when plays the scenario out. Pike told him once that wearing the Captain's stripes meant he had to be better, better than himself, better than the job demands and better than the enemy would have you be. Pike's not here to tell him things like that anymore and the rage that surges under his skin like waves battering the shore in a storm blur the lines of morality.
He accepts Marcus's offer; he can always change his mind if the moment doesn't feel right. Until then, at least he'll be doing something that could save innocent people from this war thrust upon them, even if it's not the something that makes his soul soar. It's the change he desperately needs to sooth the itch that has been building the last few years.
"Wow, you look nice," says Jim as Joanna comes down the stairs in a pretty blue dress. It oddly works well with her now lilac colored hair streaks. "It's a little formal for movie night though, isn't it?" he asks as he steals a kernel of popcorn from Leonard's bowl as he holds it while Leonard situates himself on the couch.
"I'm not doing movie night, I'm going out remember," she says as she fusses with her hair in the hall mirror.
"Since when?" asks Jim, a little thrown.
"Since Wednesday when I asked you and you said yes," she replies coldly.
"I think I would remember that," counters Jim.
"You would think," says Joanna in a tone that's almost as constant as her scowl.
"Refresh my memory." Jim hands the bowl to Leonard. "Did you know about this?" he asks offhandedly. Leonard just takes a big handful of popcorn and shoves it in his mouth.
Joanna rolls her eyes. "Zach's family had to come to San Francisco for business and he said he would come with them and take me to my first school dance since I wasn't in Atlanta to go with him to ours. He's coming all the way here just for me." A slight blush starts to creep up her cheeks.
Jim's pretty sure he'd remember if a boy was coming from Atlanta to take Joanna out but a schools dance does ring some kind of bell. Is Joanna even old enough to be going to dances with boys? "And how were you getting there?" he asks feeling a little lost.
"Zach and his dad are coming to get me. His dad will be chaperoning the whole time and the dance is over at nine. Mom never had a problem with chaperoned outings."
Jim puts his hands up in surrender. "Have fun. We'll just be here watching…" Jim looks at the corner of the view screen for the movie title Leonard's selected. It's the next instalment of a nature documentary that Jim has a hard enough time staying awake through at the best of times. He's been running on fumes all week so he doubts he'll make it through the first fifteen minutes of the show.
Jim does make it through the first fifteen minutes; he makes it through the whole damn thing not that he watches it. He spends most of his time watching Joanna as she alternates between sitting on the stairs and checking the front door to see if her date has arrived. He checks the time and the dance is half over with no apparent word from Zach. Jim's not sure there's an excuse acceptable enough to not at least let Joanna know that he's running late.
"If he's running behind, I could take you to the dance and you can meet him there," offers Jim.
"I'm sure he'll be here any second," insists Joanna.
Leonard deposits his popcorn bowl on the coffee table, abandoning his pile of blankets to sit on the stairs next to Joanna's feet.
Jim sits on the couch feeling useless. He wracks his brain going over the labelled vids Leonard had left for Joanna but none of them were for first heart break. His own mother was pretty absent from his childhood so he doesn't exactly have a blueprint to follow in regards to good parenting. In fact the only adult that ever gave him good advice or had the right words in tough situations was Pike and Jim can't go to him for help and shamefully, can't remember any of the inspirational or comforting words themselves, just the feeling that everything was going to be alight. He can't even relate to this situation as kid going though their first rejection. Jim was the little shit standing up girls and seeing it from this side it feels pretty awful. A little voice whispers in the back of his mind that Bones would have known how to navigate this situation.
At eight-thirty, Joanna's com goes off and Jim waits with bated breath as she silently reads the message. "Shay said Zach's at the dance with someone else," she says quietly. She gets up, wearing every ounce of her dejection and heads upstairs. The house is eerily quiet except for Joanna's door slamming.
Leonard and Bones are the next to traipse upstairs but Jim can tell by the creaking in the floor, they've been denied entry to Joanna's room and simply go to bed instead. Jim cleans up the remnants of movie night while thinking of all the things he personally wants to do to the kid that ruined what should have been a magical moment for Joanna. He comes to the conclusion that phasering a child is pretty apprehensible, even if it is set to stun.
The cage is just as cramped as Leonard remembers it being. Fear and despair taint the air; the only thing that's different this time, is Leonard knows exactly what hell awaits him after he hits the auction block. The guards aren't overly concerned with their captive's well being, probably because most of them aren't there that long, being sold the first time they hit the block. Leonard's not stupid; he has a pretty decent handle on the language now and even if he didn't he can see the black mark on the data PADD hanging above his cage door. Leonard's black listed for sale.
He mildly entertains the idea of what will happen if they can't find a buyer for him. He supposes the real nightmare will be the master that believes he can rehabilitate Leonard into being a good little slave. Maybe he'll get lucky and die of starvation before he has to find out.
Regretfully Leonard isn't completely alone. He watched as Engineer Brite was brought in yesterday and shoved in a cage a row over. At first he was happy to see a member of his team still alive, then jealous that they were simply a seasonal sell, too many hands being sold off now that the harvest was over and not black listed like Leonard. Then came relief that he wasn't completely alone before the shame really started to set in, that he could be jealous or happy to have anyone join him in hell. Leonard just doesn't want to feel alone anymore.
He vaguely remembers a time when he wasn't alone; when he had friends and safety. Someone was supposed to save him now; someone with bright blue eyes and a smile that was both reassuring and troublesome. Not someone, Jim. Jim is coming to save him. Or maybe Jim was coming to save him; how long has it been? Leonard's thoughts circle the drain, a tidal wave turning over the pieces of who he used to be and who he is now. His divorce left him with only his bones but this place has sun bleached out every last shred of who he was. Maybe there's nothing left worth rescuing.
"There's my Doctor," whispers Berlin as she lowers the hood of her cloak and sits down cross-legged next to Leonard's cage.
"What are you doing here?" he asks panicked, heart fluttering in disbelief. Of all the places to see a familiar face, the cramped, cold storage room housing slaves for auction isn't where he hoped to see one.
"It's an auction house, buyers are allowed to look over the goods before bidding."
"Come to buy my freedom," he asks despondently. It's a prayer wrapped terribly in a joke that just doesn't carry.
Berlin gives him a sad smile. "Slave girls don't own slaves," she says apologetically, like that's the flaw in the system.
"Did you get my friends out?" he asks because something good has to come from all of this.
"They are far from Hadeem and on their way to a colony frequented by Federation officers. It will only be a matter of time until your people find them." She reaches under her cloak and pulls something out of the sparkly fabric underneath. Weaving her fingers between the bars, she drops it in Leonard's lap.
Leonard picks up what looks like a flat polished red stone turning it over in his hand.
"I have benefactor that will bid on you. I could not give him much credits. This is in case it is not enough. This will help us find you so you must hide it."
Leonard can't ignore the feeling that neither of them sees this turning out well for him. "Thank you," he says with the most reassuring smile he can force his dry cracked lips to form. "Maybe there's something you can do for me regardless of what happens here." Leonard reaches into his boot and pulls out his ring that he's been hiding. "Maybe you can hold on to this for me. In case something happens, find a way to get it to my friend Captain James Kirk. He'll get it to my daughter." It's a long shot, and Leonard's not going to delude himself into thinking it will ever grace Joanna's hand but he'd rather it be in Berlin's possession then ever think of it adorning one of these sadists' hands.
"How did you get that?" asks Berlin eyeing the ring. Something so precious and valuable isn't something that would be left with a slave.
"There was a bunch of jewellery lying on a bedside table one day when I was called in to do some examines. I thought I had lost it forever when they took all our belongings when we were first captured but there it was in Hadeem's possession. I snatched it and been hiding it ever since. Don't think that arrogant prick's even noticed it's missing."
"A thief and a doctor," says Berlin with a coy smile.
"I only took what's rightfully mine."
A heavy silence settles over them. That feeling of doom is whirling around Leonard's head again. He thinks of Brite and knows exactly what he's going to do with this transmitter. He does feel bad that he's going to rebuff Berlin's help once again. He has every reason to keep the transmitter and have Berlin try to rescue him later. No one would blame him. Yet, he can't bring himself to do it. The jobs not done until the people under his command are safe too. Berlin is taking one hell of a chance on him, one that he's passing on, but still feels the need to show his appreciation. "If you do make it to Earth one day, and I'm not the one who gets to show you Paris, tell Jim I told him to take you."
"You'll show me my name sake." She gives Leonard a little half smile that doesn't have the courage to light up her whole face. "You trust me?"
Trust is all he has left to give. "Is there a reason I shouldn't?"
Berlin chuckles to herself as she get up off the floor and walks out of Leonard's sight. There's creaking and rustling before she returns to her pervious spot. "Slide to here," she says patting the ground in the cage next to her. "Turn round and take your shirt off."
Leonard looks at her sceptically. "What are you going to do?"
She holds up a small jar and what looks like an old fashioned quill pen. "I'm going to draw one of our blessings on you. It will keep you safe."
Leonard isn't big on religion and he certainly doesn't believe in whatever deity Berlin warships, but he can use all the luck he can get and if it's important to her, he can play along. Leonard removes his shirt and presses up close to the bars, the coolness of them barely registering against his already goose bump prickled flesh. He almost jumps out of his skin as Berlin touches him with the quill. "Fuck. That burns!" he protests. It's like someone poured acid on his skin and he can't crawl far enough away to get escape the pain that lingers.
"Shhhh," shushes Berlin, looking around to see if any of the other slaves were disturbed by Leonard's cry. "This is important. You get used to the pain."
"I don't think so," he says cynically.
Berlin opens her cloak and rolls up her pant leg showing off the elegant iridescent tattoo running the length of her leg. "Don't be so childish."
He looks at the intricate designs running up her legs and shudders. Someone should have been teaching this girl how to do French braids and make blanket forts before tucking her safely in bed with thick fuzzy comforters instead of teaching her how to endure pain. He thinks of Joanna and is eternally grateful she's safe back home.
"You really think drawing pretty words on my back is going to keep me safe?" asks Leonard skeptically. He grits his teeth together as Berlin starts drawing again. He'll endure it because she wants it and he's already asked so much from her. But he didn't peg her for the overly religious type.
"I have to believe they will," she replies sadly. At the end of the day the only thing she has to show for her life of devotion and servitude is her belief.
"And this is your office," says Carol, cheerfully tapping the desk consol to change the windows from dark opeck to transparent so the light comes through. It illuminates the large space with that brand new sparkle. The desk screams opulence. It's an office that would get most bureaucrats hard and scream they have arrived at the top of their game.
The lustre doesn't reach Jim's eyes. It's a far cry from the mysticism of the Enterprise's captain's chair or the simulated glow of the bridge lighting. "It's all very impressive, Carol," says Jim with the fake smile that's become his armour. Everyone around him sees a position of respect and reverence; Jim sees a gilded cage and a short leash.
"Isn't it wonderful?" asks Carol. Her hands rub at Jim's shoulders as she leans in for a quick kiss.
Jim's starting to wonder if she didn't design it herself. "Yeah," he agrees, glad there isn't an airlock nearby to throw himself out of. He wonders what it must have been like growing up in a family that finds all this exhilarating. She doesn't seem this superficial and stuffy on their dates and late night work meetings that lead to a quick roll in the sheets.
"My office is next door," she adds, oblivious to the internal wails of his dying soul. "And this is your secretary Ms Janice Rand," she adds.
Jim turns quickly on his heels, surprised the blonde managed to sneak in. "Ms Rand," greets Jim with a nod.
"Please, call me Janice, sir," she protests timidly. "Can I get you anything?"
Jim extends his hand. "Jim."
"Janice, dear, why don't you get some tea for the Captain," orders Carol just as Janice extends her delicate hand to take Jim's.
"Yes ma'am," she replies, dutifully. She looks at Jim. "Captain." Then turns quickly to head out of the room.
"I don't even like tea," grumbles Jim. He wishes he had the enthusiasm for this job that Carol does but his heart will always belong to the Enterprise. He consoles himself with the notion that at least he's actually doing something productive for the war effort now instead of just analyzing and reporting, but he can't help but feel like a boardroom CEO rather than a Starfleet Captain.
Normally Leonard is wide eyed and happy when Jim picks him up from daycare and they walk through the atrium in Headquarters, enamoured with all the people hustling through their day but today he's hanging back, trailing behind Jim with his shoulders slumped and head down. The nurses assured him that Leonard was cooperative enough, he just seemed a little down. Jim would be more concerned if he didn't think this new despondency didn't coincide with Joanna's current misery. "Did you have a good day with Nurse Kathy?" asks Jim, hating having to talk over his shoulder.
Leonard just hums, rolling the hem of his shirt between his fingers.
Jim sighs. Joanna's heartbreak isn't exactly something he can fix but hopefully he can cheer Leonard up a little bit; staring at two sullen faces at dinner is more depression than Jim can take right now. "Do you want to stop and feed the ducks at the park before we go home?"
"No irds," whines Leonard shaking his head.
That catches Jim off guard. Besides feeding the birds in their own backyard, especially Boo, going to the park is Leonard's favourite activity. Jim stops walking, Leonard almost walking into him. "What about going to the bakery and getting those little jelly donuts you like?" he asks, a little desperately.
"No eat. No irds," says Leonard with a sad glint in his eye. "Hommme."
"Oh, Jim, I'm glad I ran into you," greets Carol in her usual bubbly tone.
"Carol," greets Jim as he feels Leonard grab a handful of shirt at his back. Jim frowns reaching behind him to try and subtly dislodge Leonard.
"I have some things I want to go over about phase one of our project," she says, confusion rippling across her face as Jim keeps prying his companions hands away.
Jim notices the hesitant look, realizing that Carol is the first work colleague he's had in a long time that never knew Leonard. "Carol this is Leonard McCoy. Leonard, this is my work friend Carol." It's mostly true except he supposes they're kind of dating since Carol became such a prominent and unexpected fixture in his life beyond home.
"Oh, yes the legendary CMO, Dr McCoy who used to serve under you on the Enterprise. It's an absolute pleasure," says Carol, extending her hand out towards Leonard.
Leonard glances up through his bangs to subtly scrutinize Carol before taking a step behind Jim. She stands there awkwardly with her hand out and a smile that starts off genuine but is becoming a little too forced the longer Leonard avoids shaking her hand.
Jim shakes his head, stepping to the side to so Leonard can't hide behind him. "She's a friend," insists Jim, but Leonard won't engage in the interaction. "He's playing shy," explains Jim by way of apology.
"Oh. Oh."
"Yeah. "What was it you wanted to go over?" he asks distracted by fussing over Leonard.
"I was hoping we could go over a few things, say over dinner?"
"Hommmme!" protest Leonard.
"Um, yeah, just mark something in my schedule for next week." Leonard grabs a hold of Jim's sleeve and begins to pull Jim along towards their usual path towards the exit like Carol is an obstacle to go around. "Sorry, I have to go," says Jim as he's dragged along.
When they're out of earshot, Jim asks, "What was that?"
"Home," insists Leonard, scowling back in Carol's direction.
"I do have a job you know," counters Jim rather exasperated. "And it's rather important right now, what with a war going on. And I can have friends." It's been a long time since Jim can say he's had a friend. Leonard isn't his best friend anymore, not in the way Jim needs and the others, while supportive, are off on the Enterprise. It's nice to have someone close, some that doesn't look at him with pity for what happened or admiration for dealing with the fall out of what happened. Carol sees Jim for who Jim is right now and it's a breath of fresh air.
Leonard stands there looking rather unimpressed. "Home. Bones. Hmmm ird."
"Joanna," corrects Jim, offhandedly. It's been awhile since Leonard defaulted to Joanna's nickname and usually only when he feels particularly stressed or upset. "She'll be okay, you know. We've all survived our first brush with love. It just takes awhile," he adds a bit more earnestly.
"Wait here," adds Jim, movement down the hall catching his eye. He leaves Leonard in the lobby, jogging to catch up with what looks like the lunch time class tour that's scheduled for today as part of school outreach program to entice kids into a career in Starfleet.
Jim catches up to the group but hangs back as the tour guide rambles on about various facts and interests about the building and some of the positions that work out of HQ. His eyes stay focused on the group of four boys standing off to the back making snide comments and whispering to entertain one another with feigned disinterest in a bid to appear cool to.
He's never officially met the kid but he did see him on vid chat with Joanna a couple of time and the more he watches the cocky showing off of the kid to his friends, the more he's convinced it's Zach in the flesh. The tour guide starts to lead the group down the hall and Jim seizes the opportunity, stepping in front of the straggling group of boys. "Zach Marlez?" he asks, arms crossed and eyes of steel.
"Yeah," answers Zach with false bravado.
"The Zach that made a promise to Joanna McCoy and failed to deliver?" Jim barely gives the kid time to answer yes before he continues on his best Captain's voice. "It's considered poor manners to stand up a girl, especially for such an important event." Leonard strolls up beside Jim but he doesn't acknowledge Leonard's presence, though he swears he catches Leonard glaring at Zach.
"Something better came along," says Zach with a smirk and the chuckles of his friends to back him up.
Jim leans right into Zach's personal space, his face mere inches from Zach's. "I've got something better too. It involves shoving you into a torpedo and firing you at a Klingon barge if you ever make Joanna shed a single tear again. I can do it. I'm Captain James T Kirk and I've got just the ship to carry it out on." He refrains from smiling as Zach shrinks in on himself and stands there glaring long after the boys slink away. It's not a phaser, but it's pretty satisfying all the same.
Leonard gives Jim a disapproving look as the boys run away.
"Don't look at me like that. I used my words," defends Jim. Leonard still looks unimpressed with Jim's display of threatened violence. "I've heard you threaten ensigns with hypos before, don't pretend you wouldn't have done the same. Come on, let's go home. Joanna gets home from school in a few hours."