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Dick Wolf owns everything

It's All Going to be Ok

It was a quiet ride home.

His mind was filled with thoughts. One in particular that seemed to be overtaking the rest.

After Sonny showed up with a few pizzas and got Noah settled to eat, CSU showed up and the evidence was catalogued. He had argued that they didn't need to keep all the pictures… and his anger spiked after Liv hesitantly told him they needed to.

He wasn't thrilled there would be photos of Olivia practically naked, and of them fucking sitting in an evidence locker. It actually made him want to put his fist through a wall again… but Liv took his hand and silently communicated her feelings to him. He knew she didn't like it either, but like she said, it had to be by the book.

So, he had moved over with Noah to eat with him after he put his two cents in about Wheatley. As they ate, he watched Olivia do her thing. She was the only reason he was distracted from the war going on in his head.

He wanted to kill Richard Wheatley for even thinking about threatening Liv or Noah.

He felt his anger bubble up again, but he looked at Noah chomping away at his slice of pepperoni pizza, not a care in the world, and he felt the heat subside.

He glanced back to Liv.

She was smooth, moving from person to person, collecting information and making decisions. The title of Captain fit her. It fit her so well. She was commanding, and yet personable. Easy to talk to, and yet she didn't waste time. Not to mention she was sexy as hell while being Captain Olivia Benson. She was meant to be Captain. Meant to run SVU. This is where she belonged.

He took a breath out knowing he knew Captain Benson and he knew Olivia. His Olivia, and it soothed him. He loved the distinguished authoritative Captain, and he loved the soft, warm sparkling Olivia. He was thankful he got all of her, and that she loved him back. To know this woman on every level was quite an astonishing gift.

He felt a slow warmth spread over him as he continued to watch her. He was happy for her. It meant the world to him that she was in a place in her career she wanted… a place she deserved. The longer he sat there, watching, the more he knew where his place was in this world.

He looked at Noah who was still enjoying his pizza and back at Liv. She was the one with the career. She was the one who had moved up the ranks and who could really do something… who absolutely has made and will continue to make a difference in this world.

Sure, he loved his job. He was getting criminals off the street, trying to bring justice. But he was just a detective, and it just wasn't the same without Liv. It wasn't the same as being in SVU. Organized crime was more dangerous… which meant the possibility of more danger for Liv and Noah.

And while it had been a good distraction and getting his wife's killer was something he promised he'd see through… it had consumed him. He'd be lying if he said it didn't.

He spent months away from his family chasing a madman. Eli had to go live with his daughter until it was safe. He didn't want to keep putting his family second, including Liv and Noah.

They were his life now, his family, and there was nothing he wouldn't do for them. Not that his work wasn't important, or that he could just leave it with no regard. He had tried that and clearly fate had other plans.

But he could leave it… now… for her.

For them.

He felt the slight sting that came with that thought. For almost a decade Kathy had asked him to leave. And he couldn't leave the job for her… for his kids… because it meant leaving Olivia.

After the shooting, when he was at his lowest, his most vulnerable, and wanted more than anything to be in the arms of the only one who would understand… someone who would make the world melt away around them… someone he had picked over everything before… someone who wasn't his wife… Kathy had asked him to quit.

And he did.

He quit because in that moment he had wanted to drive to Olivia's and make a decision that would have changed everything. And he would have. Had Kathy not been there or is she had been asleep and not asked… not begged him to quit, he would have driven to Liv's. He would have pounded down her door and laid himself bare.

But Kathy had been there and been awake. He was at the biggest crossroads of his life, and he knew he owed Kathy another chance. He knew he needed to do the right thing by her, or at least try. One last time.

And so, he quit… and it all but killed him. In his ten-year absence he felt the heavy weight of being without her. The soul crushing burden of being thousands of miles from where he belonged. And so did Kathy.

But all this was in the past. He was right where he belonged.

It was here… with Noah. With Eli, and his other children and grandchildren.

And watching Liv command SVU, the urge he had to have a family with Liv… to have a child with Liv had never been so strong. He had missed her becoming a mother. For that he'd never forgive himself. But there was still a chance. A chance to give her another child… their child.

With all the options out there… they could have a child. If it was something she wanted.

He decided then and there he'd change his career path for her, for their family, if that's what he needed to do. He could never ask Liv to do that. She had to be the one to decide.

Her timetable to leave SVU was hers alone. He could mold into whatever they needed… because changing for her wasn't a hard decision. It was easy… effortless.

He also knew she'd never ask him to give up his badge. She knew it was who he was, but he could also be something else. He could be the guy who picked up Noah from school. He could be the guy who helped with homework, took care of his mother, went to Eli's soccer games. He could be the guy who made every single teacher parent conference… the guy who didn't have to leave early from any play or recital. He could be that guy… for her.

Then it hit him. He could have been that guy for his wife… but he wasn't. The stark difference between Kathy and Olivia was… with Olivia… he wanted to be that guy.

Not only could he be that guy… he wanted to.

For her.

For them.

As the uni was driving them home, his mind was spinning like a top around all these things, the ring burning a hole in his pocket, and a little girl with Liv's dark hair, her beautiful complexion and his blue eyes was forefront in his vision.

Olivia looked at her son who was asleep between her and Elliot, and then to El. She knew his wheels were turning. She was worried he was spiraling into the rabbit hole that had previously been his residence. Richard Wheatley had already caused so much pain in his life. She didn't want him to worry about his children or his mother. And least of all worry about her.

They were going to get everything worked out tomorrow. Tonight… tonight they had been through enough. She just wanted to get home, tuck her son in to bed, and hold Elliot. Take away his pain, and sooth his mind. Remind him that everything was going to be ok.

She sure hoped it would.

When she first opened that box in her office it triggered her. Big time. Wheatley was dangerous and there was no telling what he could do. But the second she saw Elliot… it was like she could breathe again. This wouldn't be like the last time.

No… Elliot was here. There was nothing they couldn't tackle together. This wouldn't be like the last time. She felt it in her bones. His presence and Noah's made her come back to herself and her anxious uneasinesses subsided, and she was able to switch gears with ease.

They could deal with this. And they would. They would deal with anything that came their way together. And that was the biggest difference.

Elliot was once again in her corner. For good.

The car stopped and the uni asked if he should walk them up, but Olivia politely declined, thanked him for the ride and turned to El.

He was still lost in his thoughts. She wasn't even sure he knew they were at her place.

"El…" she said softly so she didn't startle him. When he didn't respond, she reached over Noah carefully and squeezed his arm.

"El, we're home." She said a little louder.

He slightly jerked, his mind jarred by her voice and touch, bringing him back to the present.

"Oh… sorry Liv… I just…" he said looking at her.

She tilted her head towards him, giving him a moment to finish his thought.

"I was just lost in thought." He said and smiled softly at her.

She softened and looked down at Noah.

"Here, I'll get him." El said as he opened his door and started to scoop Noah up into his arms.

"Thanks Garcia. You'll be out here all night?" El asked, just making sure.

"Yup. Till shift change. My partner is on the other corner of the building." He said to El and then turned to look at Liv. "We got you covered Captain." He said with a nod.

Liv nodded back acknowledging the thanks for that strong blue line. Of course, normally she would have scoffed at the detail and sent him and his partner off, but tonight she needed a little extra reassurance.

"Let us know if you need anything." Liv got out her card and handed it to the officer.

He nodded taking the card. "Captain."

"Hey, keep us in the loop. Don't hesitate to call if something suspicious is going on ok?" El added, and the officer assured him he would as they both exited the squad car, Noah asleep in Elliot's arms.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

After they got upstairs, El handed Noah off to Liv. He wanted to do a once over to make sure nothing was out of the ordinary.

He also made sure all the blinds were drawn while Liv put Noah to bed. He walked back out into the kitchen as satisfied as he could be at the moment with his sweep.

The takeout was still sitting on the table. It had been hours, but it might still be salvageable "Liv, do you want me to put this in the fridge or just toss it?" He said as he started to put the containers back in the bag.

He heard Liv come up behind him. Her hands pulled his back to her front, stopping him from what he was doing and wrapped themselves around his waist She laid her head on his shoulder and let out a breath.

Instantly he his muscles relaxed, and his hands smoothed over her arms, holding her to him. She must have taken her shoes off because she felt shorter, the side of her face laying on the edge of his shoulder.

They stood there for a few minutes. In the silence, listening to each other breath.

It calmed the frayed edges of his mind and slowed the spinning.

But then he felt something familiar prick up his spine. Suddenly it seemed like all the air got sucked out of the room.

It was like when you're in an emergency. Your body goes into survival mode. Adrenaline is pumping and your brain becomes sharp… honed in on what needs to be a priority, blocking what's not important physically and mentally. But once your safe… once your mind and body can relax and you feel out of danger, that's when it all rushes in.

The pain.

And it was hitting him now, here in her quiet apartment, wrapped in her loving arms.

The pain felt like a knife slicing his heart. It swept over him and made his lungs hurt. He couldn't do this without her.

In all the chaos tonight, he'd felt a whirl of emotions. They flitted through him so fast and gripped on to the anger towards Wheatley. He had been distracted by all the procedures and Noah at the precinct and then by his awe of Olivia, his mind hadn't stopped on the one thing that could have overwhelmed him.

But now standing here with her, feeling her breath on him, the warmth of her skin beneath his, the beat of her heart, it was all his mind could think about.

He could have lost her tonight.

That box could have contained something dangerous… life threatening… his mind went back to the time Lake almost had his face blown off from a pizza delivered to Olivia with a bomb inside.

Then the recent memory of how he almost lost her and wouldn't have even known flooded his mind and it was too much. He couldn't do this without her.

He could have lost her tonight.

And then what? What would happen to Noah? How would he continue to be in a world she wasn't?

How could he be expected to… to… bury her too?

Something inside him broke.

No no no no no…

Olivia felt El jerk. Then she felt him jerk again. She lifted her face and looked at his back, and she saw his shoulders slump and he braced himself on the table. Then she heard it. She heard Elliot choke back a sob.

She quickly turned to him, pulling his lax body so she could see his face, and he whipped around and pulled her into hug.

It was a hug so tight she almost couldn't breathe. She wrapped her arms around him, bringing her hand to the back of his neck, holding him as he sank into her. His quiet sobs getting caught in the crook of her neck.

She felt her heart squeeze in her chest. She couldn't stand to see him like this. It must be too much for him. Wheatley… the grief over his wife… when would all this end? This poor man has been through so much, and all she wanted to do at the moment was take away all his pain.

"El… it's ok… everything is going to be ok…" she whispered as he clung to her. She stroked the skin on his neck lightly, trying to reassure him.

He pulled back and looked at her. His eyes were red, there were still tears there, welling as he looked at her. He looked so… broken. She felt a small fracture in her heart, knowing his grief for his wife will always be there, and it was stupid of her to feel anything but empathy for him, but a very small part of her knew it would always hurt to watch him continue to grieve over her.

It was selfish, and she hated herself for that small little part of her, but she wasn't going to let that keep her from being there for him, or his children when it was too hard to think about Kathy being gone. Being empathetic and understanding was something she was very good at, and for him, she could be that in spades. Whatever she needed to do to help ease his pain she'd do.

Her mind flashed back to that moment in the hospital when he told her she was gone. When he had hugged her so tight and nuzzled his face into her and cried. Before they had ended their complicated dance around each other. Before she had known what it was like to love him, feel him all around her… to kiss him and touch him…

He needed her then, and he needed her now. She would always be there for him. No matter what.

Elliot slowly relaxed his grip on her, and moved his hand up to her face, brushing her cheek with his thumb as his fingertips rested in the soft hair of her neck.

"El… I know grief is hard… I can't imagine how much it still must hurt…" she started, but she saw his face react a little to what she just said, and she stopped.

"Liv?" he questioned, and she shifted, almost uncomfortably as her eyes darted down and then back up. She opened her mouth and paused for a second, shaking her head.

"It's ok El… all of this… with Wheatley… I know it brings up a lot for you… it's ok to miss her… you don't have to hide your grief over Kathy from me." She said, her voice soft, and small.

Elliot couldn't believe what she had just said. Liv thought his break down was because of Kathy. Because he missed her, because she was gone, taken from him… from their kids.

And yes, he did grieve Kathy every day, but what he had learned from therapy was that grieving didn't always have to be filled with despair. But Kathy wasn't the cause of his break down. The thought of losing the wonderful, empathetic, amazing woman standing in front of him was.

The thought of losing the love of his life had caused this.

"Olivia… this isn't about me missing… Kathy. I mean… yea I miss her… and I know I don't have to hide my grief from you… I don't want to hide anything from you. I know you cared for her, and you've done nothing but be there for me and my kids throughout all of this. And for that I'll forever be in debt to you…" he said, and he took a breath pausing, needing her to really hear him when he told her why he was so overwhelmed.

Olivia stood there more scared and confused than before. So, if this wasn't about Kathy, then what? Everything was fine… she was fine, Noah was fine… Kathleen had picked up Bernie and they were going to get everything squared away in the morning… so what on earth was causing him so much pain?

"It just… hit me…" he said, choking back the emotion that was threatening to sweep over him again, "…how close I could have been to losing you tonight." He said and she felt the tremble in his body.

This was about her.

She felt tears prick her eyes instantly. The reaches of this man's love for her were boundless. How she spent so many years of her life not knowing what he had been doing the entirety of their partnership was loving her… she'd never understand. Because now that she knows how it feels to have it, she'd never be able to live without it.

And neither would he. It was overwhelming her in this moment to be reminded of just how much he loves her. And she understood why it overtook him. The thought of losing him, never seening him again was a feeling she wouldn't survive either. And it's what kept her fighting for her life her worst moments. The weight of their feelings for each other was… staggering.

"El…" she said smiling through her tears. "You weren't close to losing me. I'm ok… Noah is ok… everything is ok. It's all going to be ok." She said, sweeping her hand over his cheek, wiping away some of his tears.

"Olivia… he could have sent you anything in that box. You don't understand how far he'll go… it could have easily been a bomb, or something toxic… or-" he said, but she cut him off.

"But it wasn't El… I'm here… I'm safe… there isn't any safer place I could be than here in your arms."

She was right. She was always right. Tonight, had just been too much. The roller coaster of emotions had left him too raw, and he was ready to get off this ride. He was ready to just be with Liv, hold her, touch her, listen to her breath and feel her heartbeat.

He suddenly felt the toll tonight had taken on him. His body felt tired, and his mind was stretched thin.

He sighed and nodded his head.

"My love…" Liv said tenderly as she kissed his lips gently. She pulled back and looked into those deep blue eyes of his before she took his hand and led him to her bedroom.

They both undressed quietly, and El slipped into bed as Liv moved to turn the lights out. Elliot laid there waiting for her, needing to feel her skin on his. She climbed in bed and slid under the covers and moved into his body, finding her spot there, tucked under his arm as he wrapped his other around her waist.

"I love you El…" Liv whispered in the dark as his fingers left warm little trails on her skin.

"I love you too Liv…" he said, breathing in the scent of her hair. He let the hand of the arm she was tucked under move up over her shoulder and to her pulse point, feeling the steady even beat before it slid back down and tightened around her.

They both felt exhaustion set in, and the need they had was just to hold onto each other. To let the sounds of each other's breathing drown out the world to where it was just them, and the beat of their hearts.