A/N: I wrote this fic way back in November for a comment fic meme on the ohsam LiveJournal page. I didn't post it on here originally because of the content, and I have agonised long and hard over posting it since then. However, after seeing the response it got on LiveJournal, and after much thought, I have decided to put it up.

I need to say that this fic comes with some pretty hefty trigger warnings, which I will detail below, so if this has the potential to trigger you in any way, I have to advise caution in reading.

WARNING for suicide, suicidal thoughts, and multiple suicide attempts, as well as reference to torture

In hindsight, it was a stupid idea. You should have known that Lucifer would follow through with his promise, but you thought that it couldn't hurt to try. Turns out you were oh so wrong.

After he'd visited you, all you could think about was how much sense everything made now. You didn't want to believe that you were his vessel - you still don't - but the more you thought about it, the more the pieces clicked into place. All your life you'd been the 'freak', the outsider. Everything good you'd ever had had eventually turned sour in your mouth, and anything good you'd ever tried to do had gone wrong. This was why demons had followed you around your entire life. This was why you poisoned everything you touched. This was why you had pure evil running through your veins, and this was why Dad wanted you to die.

As you thought about Dad, an idea formed in your mind. It wasn't necessarily a good idea, or a smart one, but the time for smart evasion tactics was over. You'd tried that, and he'd found you anyway. So.

If this worked (and it had to work) the world wouldn't end. So maybe Lucifer would still be roaming the earth. But his vessel was falling apart, and without his true vessel he could never hope to take on Michael and win. Besides, Dean and Bobby and Cas would do just fine without you. They'd figure out a way to stop the fight from ever happening in the first place. And a world without you in it to screw it up more than it already was would surely be a better world. It was a win-win situation really.

You knew that Lucifer had said he would bring you back if you killed yourself. In the back of your mind you knew he wasn't lying. Trouble is, you didn't care. Dad had been right all along; removing yourself from the equation was the best course of action. That way it was only you who would get hurt. Dean probably didn't even care anyway, probably thought you were off living your forgotten apple pie dream and wouldn't bother to contact you ever again. Maybe Lucifer would bring you back. Maybe he wouldn't. Either way, you had to try.

You weren't sure how you wanted to do it. A gun would be the quickest, but it would also alert the neighbours, which wasn't exactly ideal. You could use a rope, but you didn't trust the shitty motel fixings to be strong enough to hold you. You looked down at your wrists and traced the veins up your arm. You had a razor in your bag, and plenty of sharpened knives that would do the trick just as easily. You took one out and lightly dragged the tip along the pale skin, leaving behind a white imprint that quickly faded away. You nodded to yourself and grasped the blade tighter, heading towards the small bathroom.

As you lay back in the too small tub you wondered if Lucifer was watching you. Laughing, maybe, at your sheer stupidity and ignorance. You decided you didn't care.

The first cut hurt and you wondered if you would ever get used to being sliced up. Not that it mattered anymore. With shaking hands, you opened your other wrist and dropped the blade over the side of the bath, breathing heavily. The pain in your arms had faded to a dull, stinging throb and you watched in almost fascination as red painted the pale white skin and dripped down into the water in thin, spidery lines. Your head began to feel too heavy to hold up so you rested it against the dirty porcelain, lazily noting the numerous cracks in the ceiling. Maybe it would fall in and finish the job for you.

Your eyes fluttered shut and your breaths became fewer, and further between. As you faded away, a sense of catharsis washed over you, and a slow smile briefly spread across your face as you revelled in the knowledge that you had at least done one good thing for this world.

You woke up to see Lucifer's face leering over you, and you thought that maybe you had gone to Hell. Then he moved away and you realised that you were still floating in the scarlet water, your wrists somehow sealed shut.

"Hey Sam," Lucifer sneered, then grabbed you by your shirtfront and hauled you out the water. You tried to get up, but he pushed you back down so you lay dripping wet at his feet.

"You know," he started, almost conversationally. "I honestly didn't take you for an idiot. Dean, sure, but you? Come on, Sam, you know better than this. We're alike, you and I, so surely you know I don't go back on my word."

"I am not like you," you ground out.

Lucifer laughed. "Really? Okay, let's see. Younger brother with unresolved issues against a domineering older brother? Check. Rebelling against Daddy's orders because you knew they were complete bullshit? Check. Trying to do what you think is right, only to get shot down and cast out for it? Check."

"No."

Lucifer smirked and shook his head. "Deny yourself the truth if you want, Sam, but deep down you know you are just like me. Which is why, by the way, you will say yes to me."

You opened your mouth to protest, but Lucifer raised a hand and suddenly you couldn't speak. "Look. Just apologise and we'll sweep this one under the rug, alright? I'll leave, you can go back to your pathetic little lie, and everything will turn out fine in the end."

You glared at him in defiance, so he sighed and clenched his fist. You choked, unable to breathe, and clawed at the floor. "I've tried being nice, Sam. But I'm tired of it, and I'm tired of your resistance, so I guess I'll just have to teach you a little respect."

He released his hold on you and you gasped for breath, but your relief was short-lived as he began landing blows on your stomach, your chest, your face, anywhere he could reach. You tried fighting back, but Lucifer was strong, so you just curled into a ball and watched your blood drip onto the tile beneath you.

When he was done, you were a beaten and bruised mess. He surveyed you for a moment before snapping his fingers, healing you instantly. You didn't uncurl yourself straight away, though, too tired to move.

"Consider that your final warning," Lucifer threatened, then disappeared.

After he left, you found yourself more determined than ever to beat him. You tried to die twice more before returning to Dean, once by shooting yourself, once by an overdose of meds, because you still figured that it was better you die than stay alive. Neither attempt worked, however, and each time Lucifer appeared angrier than before. He rained hell down on you, leaving you good as new.

He told you he had to heal you fully, not wanting a damaged vessel. He didn't seem to know that he had one already.

A/N: I'm still really hesitant and anxious to post this, so if anyone thinks I should take it down, please let me know. The full prompt was as follows:

'Sam actually kills himself to keep from being Lucifer's vessel. And Lucifer keeps his promise to just bring him back.'