yes this is a tag for 15.18, no it does not pertain to that scene. i do not care for dean or cas and you may quote me on that. title from mystery of love by sufjan stevens.
Sam and grief are old friends. It's been his constant companion since the day Jess died, ebbing and flowing over the years, but always there in the back of his mind.
It's taken root firmly in his chest now, looking down at the pile of Eileen's things on the asphalt, a crack running right across his face on her phone screen. It's a stupid picture, taken back when she'd been living at the bunker. Back when they'd been dancing around their feelings, neither one of them quite willing to make the first move.
He's glad he did, eventually, because wishing he hadn't would only mean erasing more of her and Sam can't stand to do that. But it's only made this pain sharper, until he can't move for it.
He's struck by the sudden urge to run into her house, imagining that he'll find her there, having gone inside to grab something, or to turn out a light, or feed the cat.
(she doesn't have a cat. sam knows this. his grief doesn't)
At the very least, if he goes inside, he'll find nothing - which, right now, is everything. Nothing means she's gone. Nothing means this is real. Nothing means that he really was just a few minutes late to -
To what? To stand and watch her slip away from him, like so many others? To see her snatched out of his life like Jess and Madison and Sarah and Amelia and -
Would that have been worse, to see it? Possibly. Probably.
The pain is unbearable and there's a prickling in his eyes and Sam just can't. He won't. He forces himself to focus, to shove down anything that's not Fix This. There are others - he can protect them, like he failed to do with Eileen.
Not that she ever needed protecting. She hated being protected.
He has one last chance to do some good, to save people. And hasn't that been the point all along? Saving people? He thinks they forgot that, somewhere along the line.
He has to do this. He has to. For Eileen. For himself.
Sam is so goddamn sick of losing people.
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