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(w)riteofpassion

Chapter 27

My fingers trembled when I opened Alice's laptop.

The bright back-light filled my vision, making me squint. I fumbled with the keyboard until the brightness was bearable and sank into the chair. I enjoyed the evening breeze. It always made the Phoenix heat more liveable, like you could finally breathe again.

I got nervous, my heartbeat racing, my hands clammy. Something told me it was now or never. Part of me wanted to take the plunge, read it. I would know whether Emmett and Alice overreacted, or if they were right. Spending the last few months all by myself in New York opened my eyes. I was the one who was overreacting. And I shouldn't have. Edward wouldn't hurt me on purpose, I knew that. I felt horrible since I moved, and I missed Edward more than I let myself admit. The decision I made to break-up with him was a bad one and I regretted it. But maybe it was too late. It had been ages, and I hadn't responded to any of his messages. Edward must really hate me right now.

I let out a sigh, rubbed my eyes and tucked my hair behind my ears. I pulled one knee up, my bare foot on the cold aluminum of the chair. My finger hovered over the mouse pad, moving the arrow over the web browser icon.

One click and I was in, reading the entry at the top of the page.

The void, ever present.

The break, still fresh

Never clean

Always festering

Throbbing

Aching

Painful reminder that she was real.

I gnawed my bottom lip, goosebumps rising on my arms even though I wasn't even cold.

Do you ever think about the mistakes you made in life? You know, the ones who make everything spin out of control and fuck up hopes, dreams? Those mistakes are the ones that take it all away. They take away the future that you never expected, the future that was within reach, the future that was too good to be true.

I wanted to live forever with the feelings she gave, the emotions she provided, the shudders she brought on to me when we were together.

My heart bloomed when she touched me, when she smiled and exploded, when she told me she loved me. She'd been brittle, cautious from the start. She told me, warned and informed me.

I wanted to show her, to teach her and promise her it could be better.

We could be better. The mistakes I made weren't grave, but they were to her.

I broke the promise of keeping her. I let her go. When she didn't reply to me, I gave up. I let her go. As days bled into months, my worries turned into regrets because I had let her go.

I broke the promise of teaching her. I didn't follow and fight.

I broke the promise of showing her that my heart was hers, forever.

I broke the promise of never letting her go, because I did.

I seem to have broken every one of my promises to her, my Goddess, my everything.

I broke my heart whilst I broke her too.

A lone tear ran down my cheek, salty and hot as it ran over my lips. I wiped it away. His writing was pure, vulnerable. It was one thousand percent Edward: real and raw. His writing was beautiful.

I continued reading, not able to skip anything, wanting to read it all, take everything in without missing a beat. I closed myself off for too long and I craved to feel it all, everything I stored away and didn't deal with.

I seem to talk a lot about promises.
Empty promises, broken ones, and those I didn't have the time to fulfill.

I really need new ones, ones I can keep. Ones I vow to never break, but I can't do it alone.

I need her back; I have to have her back. Because the sun hasn't risen since she's gone.

A shaky sigh made my heart ache for him. Why didn't they tell me about this? About all these heartfelt, broken words on paper when they were the ones I needed to read.

I scrolled down a little, to where he still had the comments on. I didn't want to deal with the worst, but I had to. For Edward.

She's all soft skin and breathy moans, trembling by my touch as she gives herself to me. All of her. She isn't good with words, but her body expresses everything. Her body tells the truth as she wraps herself around me, legs an iron grip around my waist. She is loud and truthful as she takes me higher than I've ever been, her heartbeat erratic against my bare chest. She tumbles into ecstasy as I hold her, riding into mine. I spill everything. I scatter into her. The sound of sweaty skin and profanities fills the room until we both come down.

I have to look at her, the pureness of her. Her lips slightly parted and chest heaving, her dark hair tangled with my fingers. She's my secret home, one I never hope to leave.

I wanted to slap myself across the face, hard. My frustration grew into anger. I was being a total bitch.

Tight wetness

tinted cheeks

eggs for breakfast

steamy showers

rosy skin against frosty glass

insatiable hunger

fucked

in the best way

While I read, I know when he wrote it. I felt everything and it all came back to me, too. My hand goes to the nape of my neck where I massage my tense muscles. I remember his touch all too well and what it did to me. Hell, even his expressions could drive me wild. This wasn't bad, as they led me to believe. His writing was hot. It captured the essence of us.

She's sex on legs

wild eyes and pouty lips

I'm lost for words when I look at her

hard as steel, aching for more

Her kiss like drugs

all over my body

all over my soul

imprints of passion

bruises of love

all over her body

lost beyond control.

I lifted my eyes away from the screen, looking at the sky. The air was pitch-black, stars scattered around like tiny diamonds. Why didn't he show me? Why didn't he tell me?

I checked the time on Alice's computer. It was past my bedtime, since I had a wedding to attend in the morning, but I couldn't care less. I had more pressing matters on my mind, more important concerns.

I got off the chair, glad the tiled floor provided some coolness. I was getting worked up.

The room was still dark and Alice was out cold on the bed, one arm above her head. Without waking her, I grabbed my phone and took it outside with me.

I contemplated my actions, said 'no' to myself and pondered it over again and again until I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned over the balcony, my forearms resting on the glass panel, and opened my text messages, the blinking cursor staring back at me.

My fingers ghosted over the keypad on the screen, writing and erasing repeatedly. No words seemed to hold the value of the things I wanted to say. Nothing could express how I felt. I wanted to catch the first plane to LAX and drive over to his condo, my arms around his neck as I pulled him close and kissed him. While his blog posts should make me feel like I was right about him, they only proved me wrong. They made me want him even more. They made me crave him. I snorted at the irony.

It was past two in the morning and my eyes were burning from looking at a monitor for so long, but I didn't care. A computer screen brought us together, and it seems like it had done it again. It made me see the error of my ways, my pathetic reactions and how I was being so fucking foolish.

I'm sorry. I typed, unsatisfied, but pressed send anyway.

I need to talk to you. I went on.

I've been a fool and I understand if you never want to see me again.

I'm sorry for not responding to you, I'm sorry for running away.

I'm sorry for not listening. I'm sorry to make you break your promises. I want to go back and wasn't so fucking scared. I wish I hadn't run.

I'm filled with regrets, with anger, and I wish I could take it all back.

You called me your secret home, but it was you who always had the key.

You're a warrior, you were my warrior, and you always fought for me. Your writing makes me see how difficult I made it for you. I want to go back and erase and kiss your troubles away. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. But I know you're probably so furious at me. I'm sorry.

It was a one-hour time difference between Phoenix and Los Angeles, so chances were Edward was still up. I only hoped he would get my message, so he'd realize how I felt. Fear made me turn my phone off completely and I went back inside.

I set Alice's laptop on her open suitcase and quietly laid down next to her, the nerves in my stomach making it impossible to fall asleep quickly.

My dreams were vivid and haunting. I dreamt of green eyes and inked skin around my own. It felt so real I almost cried when I jolted awake with a gasp covered in sweat.

I looked to my right where Alice slept. I shook my head, slightly jealous of her ability to sleep this deep. My eyes seemed heavy, as did my head. I had too little rest to endure a day like today.

The digital alarm clock on the bedside table cast a slight red hue in the otherwise still dark room. I sighed, counting I'd only had about three hours of slumber and got out of bed.

I splashed some cold water on my tired-looking face and threw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, craving some coffee. I took my phone with me, clutching it in my hands like a prized possession.

The hallway in the hotel was silent, the carpet underneath the soles of my sneakers muting the sound of my footsteps. I passed a guy in a suit who was locking up his room before heading in my direction. He was probably on his way for some morning espresso as well.

I picked out a table in the breakfast lounge, with a view of the greenery around the hotel, and cradled my mug. After the first sip of caffeine, I told myself it was time. I turned my phone back on, notifications buzzing wildly on the tabletop.

Facebook
Email

My heart stopped the moment I laid eyes on the text notification. I didn't care about anything else anymore.

I will always keep fighting for you.

It was all he wrote, but somehow, it was enough. I smiled at my phone and scrolled to my web browser, checking flights from Phoenix to LAX until my quiet morning got rudely interrupted.

"Here you are," Alice said. She put down a plate filled with fresh fruit, yoghurt and granola and sat down, looking fit as a fiddle.

"I take it you slept well," I asked rhetorically as I took another sip of well-needed caffeine. Alice cocked a brow my way. She wore no makeup at all, but her face looked perfect, a healthy glow on her cheeks.

"Like a baby, but we're not here to talk about that." She looked at me, putting her elbows on the table and her face in between her hands.

"Well?" She asked. "Did you read it?"

I nodded, feeling ashamed for the reaction I had a few months back.

"I handled this so wrong, Alice."

"It might not have been entirely your fault, Bella," she said, looking away from me.

"Emmett and I have had countless conversations about this. We were out of line, acting out like you were. We shouldn't have talked about Edward's blog the way we had. I didn't know Emmett was such a drama queen like myself." She sipped her latte.

"We apologized to Edward, but he wasn't even mad at us. He keeps telling himself it's all his fault and that he should've told you about it." She shrugged and picked up a blueberry.

Alice was silent, distracted by her phone, typing away like a crazy person.

"What are you so furiously writing about at this ungodly hour?" I asked. Her fingers stopped moving, and she put the phone on her lap, getting it out of my view.

"Nothing, just checking some stuff." She was lying, I could tell. I narrowed my eyes. "Besides, it's almost seven in the morning. I wouldn't call that ungodly, per se."

"I texted him." I told Alice. "I'm going to bail on the wedding, catch the first plane I can buy a ticket for."

She gasped.

"What? No!" Alice's voice was loud. Several people turned their heads to look at us.

"What do you mean, no? You wanted me to read everything. You've been team Edward ever since I left for New York."

"Yeah, well, maybe you should just let it all settle in for a day. Today will be over before you know it. Don't rush anything. It's what got you guys into this mess in the first place." She took a hold of her phone, typing again.

"Fine. Maybe you're right," I admitted.

"Plus, you mom would kill you. And I did save that hideous excuse for a dress. So we're going to this fucking wedding."

Well, seems like Alice is desperate for Bella to attend this wedding ... I wonder why ...