Author's note:
This chapter has warnings for gore, angst, death, mentions of illnesses. It is the first instalment I outlined when I planned this story, but I had to rewrite it a few times because I wasn't satisfied with the result. This chapter marks a huge turning point in this fanfic, therefore I'm really anxious to know what you think of it. Love it? Hate it? Love the chapter and hate me? Everything is possible. As I wait for your comments, I'll go and hide in a corner until I find a way to make up for my evilness towards Steinarius and his unlucky family.
22nd of First Seed
Steinarius was quiet for a moment. He took a deep sigh, then he carefully chose the words he wanted to say.
"There is something you don't know about me, Agda, something much more personal than being the Dragonborn or being a werewolf", he eventually murmured. "Three years ago, I was about to get married and become a father".
As he paused, Steinarius scanned Agda's face to examine her reactions. The girl had frowned at his sudden confession, but had decided to remain silent. Thanks to his heightened senses, however, the Imperial immediately realized that her heart had just skipped a beat.
She clearly hadn't expected that news.
"My fiancée was an important member of the Companions", Steinarius recalled after a brief moment of silence. "Her name was Vigdis and she was everything I ever desired: quiet and shy, yet strong and fierce. You remind me of her in many ways, Agda".
It was true: although Vigdis and the innkeeper looked really different from one another, their inner strength was exactly the same.
After saying those few, difficult sentences, Steinarius took another deep breath and started talking about his life with Vigdis. He told Agda of the young girl who'd joined the Companions many years earlier, of the way he had fallen for her, of the time they'd spent together as a couple, admired and feared and esteemed by all the people of Whiterun and beyond. Then Steinarius recalled one of the best days of his life.
"A few months into our relationship, Vigdis started behaving in a very weird way", the Imperial sighed with a sad smile. "She would no longer come hunt with me and she would spend a lot of time with her shield-sisters, ignoring me and the other boys from the Companions. I feared her to be angry at me for some unknown reasons, but after a few days she eventually told me the truth. She was avoiding our usual hunts because she was with child, not because I had angered her without realizing it.
"When Vigdis discovered that she was pregnant, we immediately decided to get married. We were deeply in love with each other and looked forward to spending the rest of our lives together".
"Yet you don't wear any wedding ring", Agda carefully pointed out.
With a grimace, Steinarius nodded. Agda was amazingly, painfully observant.
With another sigh, the Imperial told his friend about the ridicolous amount of weddings that had taken place in Skyrim that year. Given the circumstances, he and Vigdis had been forced to get married a few weeks before the birth of their child.
"Unfortunately, right when my woman was nearing the end of her pregnancy and we were about to get married, everything went out of control", Steinarius recalled.
With a tired sigh, the man remembered the little arguments he'd had with Vigdis during the long months before the birth of their child. He wanted her to relax and avoid any physical effort, but the Nord woman was clearly suffering from that forced inactivity.
Steinarius, I'm not dying, I'm not ill, I'm not injured, Vigdis had once snapped at her soon-to-be-husband. I'm simply pregnant. I can even do the washing up on my own, although you don't believe me.
Steinarius' overprotective attitude had soon raised the protests of many of his shield-siblings. Nonetheless, none of them had ever dared getting involved in the little tussles between him and Vigdis - at least, no one had until the day of their wedding had finally approached.
"I'm not a Nord, therefore I don't know much about the wedding traditions of Skyrim", Steinarius told Agda. "Unfortunately for me, the other Companions did.
"One day, Vignar Grey-Mane told Vigdis about an old Nordic tradition. According to that stupid thing, all warriors are meant to spend a whole day hunting without their fiancée shortly before they get married. Vignar said that it was some sort of last adventure before settling down, but I actually thought it was a very silly way to get hurt at a very important point in one's life. Regrettably, Vigdis didn't agree with me".
Steinarius never felt at ease when her woman was hunting without him - as a consequence, he almost had a nervous breakdown when his very pregnant woman voiced her desire to tackle the wilds on her own.
She won't be on her own!, Aela had chuckled at the Imperial's outraged protests. There will be some of us helping her, ice brain!
When even Kodlak had said that Steinarius was worrying too much, the man had accepted his defeat and let Vigdis free to do what she wanted, even if that implied getting involved with stupid barbaric traditions.
"The evening before Vigdis faced her last hunt as an unmarried woman, I tried to make sure that everything would go by smoothly", Steinarius recalled with a sigh. "I forced her to promise me that she would go hunting in a little cave not far from Whiterun, then I asked a few of my shield-siblings to take care of her. As I left my home on the following morning, however, I couldn't help but feel that something terrible was about to happen".
Unfortunately, Steinarius' fears had soon proved to be right. He had arranged for Aela to go hunting with Vigdis, but the Huntress had been blocked in Winterhold by a sudden snowstorm. Steinarius had found a good replacement in Farkas, one of his most trusted siblings. Unfortunately, as soon as the Imperial had left Whiterun to carry out one of his tasks, Farkas had been summoned in Falkreath to deal with a Hargraven who had taken up residence in a house. After that, Vigdis had decided to go hunting with a whelp and with Arnbjorn, a tall Nord with a creepy passion for killing.
Steinarius had never got on well with Anrbjorn - actually, after working with him on a few errands, he had even demanded Kodlak to kick that broody werewolf out of the Companions.
Despite Steinarius' worries, the Harbringer had allowed Arnbjorn to continue his life in Jorrvaskr. Moreover, he had asked him to take care of Vigdis during her last hunt as an unmarried woman.
"It was a beautiful morning when Vigdis left", Steinarius said with a heavy sigh. "I had a job to carry out too, so I left Jorrvaskr a few hours before her. When I came back that evening, I immediately went to my house in the middle of Whiterun. When I noticed that Vigdis wasn't there, I thought I'd find her in Jorrvaskr, celebrating her triumphant hunt and making fun of her overprotective fiancée. Nonetheless, as soon as I reached the Hall of the Companions, I realized that she wasn't there either. That's when I panicked".
While lowering his gaze to the floor, Steinarius told Agda about the worst moments of his life.
"I immediately left Whiterun and ran to the wolf cave where Vigdis had gone hunting. As I did, I couldn't stop cursing myself for my stupidity. The woman I was madly in love with was carrying our first child, yet I didn't stop her from fighting a pack of wolves. I should have locked her in our house, used my guts to stop her, argued with those who criticized me because I wanted to keep her safe. Instead, I just stepped aside and allowed her to do as she pleased. By Talos, how could I be so stupid?"
Even when Steinarius hid his face in his hands, Agda didn't say anything. She was afraid to discover what happened to Vigdis and was also shocked by the regret she saw in Steinarius' troubled eyes.
Immediately after noticing that Vigdis hadn't got home from her hunt, the Imperial and the other Companions had immediately set out to find her. Steinarius had gone to the cave where he'd suggested she went hunting and, as soon as he'd entered the place, he'd immediately realized that something was off.
"When I reached my destination, my heart stopped", the man muttered when he eventually regained his composure. "Arnbjorn was nowhere to be found, whereas Vigdis and her other shield-sister were huddled together in a pool of blood".
At that point, Agda couldn't stifle a whine. She was visibly worried and had started biting her nails in an attempt to calm her anxiety.
"Did she survive?"
Steinarius didn't answer.
"When I got to the cave, the whelp was already dead", he muttered. "Nonetheless, Vigdis' heart was still beating – a faint heartbeat, but enough to keep her alive".
Steinarius proceeded to tell Agda about his desperate run to the Temple of Kynareth, about the insults he'd screamed towards the other Companions, about the way Danica Pure Spring had decided to have Vigdis deliver her child.
"Although Vigdis' time was still far away, Danica Pure Spring said that she needed to give birth to our son. Despite the predictions from the healers, my little Eidan lived for a few days. Nonetheless, as soon as I started hoping he could actually survive and become a strong, healthy child, the Divines took him away from me".
As he thought about that loss, Steinarius bit his lower lip in an attempt to fight against the tears that were threatening to leave his eyes. Even if he'd learned to stake the thoughts regarding Eidan in a hidden corner of his mind, the Dragonborn couldn't help but feel bad every time he mentioned him.
As she noticed Steinarius' distress, Agda was quick to take his hand and softly squeeze it between hers. The Imperial realized that she was on the verge of tears, too.
For a few seconds the only sound left to fill the air was the comforting crackling of the fireplace. As he looked at a weird spot on the floor, Steinarius tried to forget his son's grey eyes, the way Eidan had slept in his arms a few days after his birth, the way the boy had seemed to smile whenever he made weird sounds with his tongue.
Before he could definitely break down in tears, however, the Dragonborn forced himself to steer those thoughts away from his mind.
"After losing Eidan, I feared that Vigdis would die as well", Steinarius managed to murmur after a long moment of silence. "Nonetheless, my woman luckily managed to survive.
"As soon as Vigdis regained consciousness, I immediately realized that we couldn't have our lives back, as my woman was now almost completely paralyzed. Moreover, the healers told us that she would never be able to get pregnant again".
Always the observant healer, at that point Agda frowned.
"How was it possible for Vigdis to get such bad injuries? You said that she was a very good warrior".
Steinarius sighed. Many people had asked him that question, but Agda was likely the only one who was going to get the real answer.
"As you already know, many members of the Companions are werewolves", he explained her. "During their hunt together, Arnbjorn lost control of his inner beast and got carried away. He shifted into a werewolf, then he killed the young whelp who had gone hunting with him. When Vigdis tried to stop him, he attacked her too. Vigdis was afraid to hurt the baby, therefore she didn't change and relied only on her weapons. As you can imagine, that strategy wasn't effective at all".
Agda felt a shiver run down her spine. She'd seen the way Steinarius had killed a vampire by using his fangs and his claws, and could only imagine what kind of injuries Arnbjorn had caused to poor Vigdis.
"After Vigdis got hurt, Arnbjorn never returned to Whiterun", Steinarius explained. "My woman, on the other hand, found herself in need of constant cures - she needed help to eat, to bathe, even to read a book. That's why I'm good at taking care of injured people", the Imperial added as he remembered the way he'd bathed Agda after her encounter with the Thalmor. "Because I've had months of pratice with her".
With a sigh, Steinarius told Agda about the first, tiring weeks after Vigdis' incident. In few days time the Imperial had been forced to call off his wedding, to attend the burial of his own son, to learn how to take care of his sick woman. Moreover, he had decided to leave the Companions.
"I hadn't forgotten the way they'd mocked me for my worries about Vigdis, just like I hadn't forgotten that Kodlak had allowed Arnbjorn to go hunting with her", he said. "At the same time, my shield-siblings hadn't forgotten the way I insulted them after I lost my son - I called Vignar a murderer and punched in the face the man who was trying to calm me. Since we couldn't get over those events, I left Jorrvaskr and gave up fighting for a few months".
Upon hearing these words, something in Agda's mind seemed to connect.
"That's why you never talk about the time you spent with the Companions", she pointed out. "Because they remind you of Vigdis and your son".
"That's also the reason why I stormed out of Alvor's house all that time ago", Steinarius nodded. "When you asked me why I'd left the Companions, I couldn't make up any decent answer. Most of the time I spent with them was great, sure, but Vigdis' fate made me forget about it".
There was another moment of silence, then Steinarius resumed his tale. He told Agda about the first months after Vigdis' incident, about his attempts to make her feel comfortable in her new situation, to make her forget all she'd been through, to find the best healers who could help her with her injuries.
"Vigdis went through a lot of healing treatments, many of which were extremely painful", the man recalled. "Thanks to them, however, her conditions soon improved. A few months after the incident, she could move the left side of her body and take little walks through Whiterun. Right then, when things finally started to look brighter, I made my second, tragic mistake".
Steinarius paused and lazily rubbed his tired eyes. As he did, he finally let go of Agda's hand.
"Back then the civil war had already begun", he recalled. "As the son of a Legate and an Imperial myself, I deeply wished I could join the army and fight against the rebels.
"When I received the news of Thorygg's murder, my desire to join the Legion became even stronger. One evening, as I was talking to a friend in my house in Whiterun, I complained that I couldn't take part in the war because I had to look after Vigdis. I thought she was asleep, but she wasn't: she overheard the conversation and spent the whole night crying. She didn't tell me why she was sobbing like a baby, so I thought she had been awoken by one of her usual nightmares. I cradled her in my arms, just like every other time, then forgot about it. A week later she was gone".
As he remembered the way Vigdis had disappeared from his life, Steinarius felt heavy tears gather once again in his eyes.
"My woman left Whiterun with the help of a friend", he said while trying to steady his voice. "According to a note I found on her pillow, she didn't want to burden me any further. She said that I was a fine warrior and that I needed a woman who could provide me with children and who wouldn't stop me from pursuing my dreams.
"As you can imagine, that day my heart broke in a thousand pieces. I loved Vigdis and couldn't believe that she had abandoned me. For the last two years I've been looking for her throughout the whole country: I've spent all my money on sellswords and experienced hunters, I've explored Falmer dens and Dwemer ruins, I've ventured in all the places and caves I could find, I even contacted the Dark Brotherhood. Nonetheless, I never heard from her again.
"I don't know if Vigdis is alive, if she's killed herself, if she's forgotten me. However, one thing I know: I still love her and I would do everything to get her back".
When Steinarius eventually stopped talking, Agda couldn't help but hug him. The man hid his face in the crook of her neck and let out a few heavy sighs. Agda pulled him closer and didn't let go until Steinarius finally stopped shaking.
At that moment, she realized that the Dragonborn of legends was nothing but a human.
They remained like that for what felt like hours. Agda softly soothed her friend, whereas Steinarius did his best not to break down in front of her.
"I've never told anyone else", he muttered against her shoulder.
"It's alright", Agda whispered into his ear.
The girl didn't know that Steinarius had experienced something so terrible - he had lost his son, then he had been abandoned by the woman he loved.
As she thought about Vigdis, however, Agda couldn't avoid feeling disgusted by the woman's behavior. She had probably thought to do Steinarius a favor, but she'd just managed to turn him into a sad man with a broken heart.
As the Imperial kept on shivering in her arms, Agda deeply wished she could make him forget his past and start living a better present.