Author's note:
After posting two chapters at once last week, here I am with a new instalment. First things first, I thank all those who are reading/favoriting/following this story. Also, a special thank you goes to Elspeth, reddevil47 and Guest for their reviews. I was afraid that some readers would be disappointed by Steinarius' past, but your lovely comments showed me that that is not the case. As for Guest's review, I must admit that I found their suggestion really interesting and intriguing. I have already planned (and written) the next few chapters of this story, but I may include some of your ideas later on. For the moment I thank you very much for the tip - I love listening to my readers' advice and to their opinions on my story!
We're slowly nearing the end of the first section of this fanfic. Will Stein manage to forget Vigdis or will he keep on dwelling in the past? We'll find out in the next few chapters.
Enjoy!
29th of First Seed, 4E 202
After telling Agda about his past, Steinarius spent a lot of time shivering in her arms. He remained there until he stopped shaking, until the tears retreated inside his eyes, until he finally managed to steady his voice. Only then did the Imperial dare to break the embrace and thank Agda for her support.
Even as she listened to Steinarius' tale, the young innkeeper had been very comforting: she had asked him questions in a tactful and respectful way, she had done everything she could to soothe him, she'd clearly taken part in the pain he was experiencing as he recalled his past.
That night, as he tried to relax in his bed after Agda had given him a light sleeping draught, Steinarius couldn't help but curse himself for being a weak man who was unable to leave his past behind. He thought that with time he'd eventually learn to forget Vigdis, the way she had abandoned him, the love he had nourished for her; he thought that he'd regain part of his cheerfulness, of his chattiness, of his enthusiasm towards life. And on New Life Festival, the Imperial had felt as though he'd finally managed to forget the shadows of his past.
On that occasion, as Agda had fallen asleep beside him, Steinarius had felt the familiar tingle of something long forgotten, of a primal instinct that suggested he turned towards the young innkeeper and kissed her until her lips were red and her breathing frantic. That night, however, Steinarius had decided to be patient. He cared about Agda and he didn't want her to get involved with someone who had a past as troubled as his own, with someone who would make love to her while thinking of another woman, with someone who couldn't provide her with the happiness she deserved.
One day I'll tell her everything, Steinarius had thought as he'd looked at her innocent expression. One day I will tell her about the scars marring my heart, then I'll let her decide whether to give me a chance. Perhaps Agda will be the one to heal me once and for all.
When he'd bid Agda farewell, Steinarius had felt that familiar longing once again. Later, during the long nights in Sky Haven Temple, the Dragonborn had often thought of the young innkeeper and smiled to himself in the darkness. He liked the girl's shyness, her sweetness, her enthusiasm towards the littlest things in life, and he couldn't wait to go back to Riverwood and tell Agda how much he enjoyed spending time with her.
Soon, very soon, I will give myself the chance to build a new life with a woman I love, Steinarius often told himself during those boring sleepless nights. And Agda could be just the one I'm looking for.
Unfortunately, the hallucinations caused by the poison had brought back the emptiness Steinarius had long strived to fill. The Imperial had learned to stake the thoughts regarding Vigdis and Eidan in a hidden corner of his mind, he had learned to avoid talking about them, he had learned to forget about their tragic destinies. Nonetheless, after those ten days full of poisoned memories and hallucinations, Steinarius had sudddenly realized that his life was slipping away from him once again. The hallucinations had reminded him of his love for Vigdis, of her strength, of her braveness and her long silences; they had reminded him of Eidan, of his grey eyes, of the way he had once fallen asleep with his tiny hands wrapped around his thumb. But most of all, the hallucinations had shown him what kind of life Steinarius would have had if Vigdis hadn't been injured - they had shown him his cozy house in Whiterun, his son growing up to be a chubby and healthy child with a mane of black hair, his wife smiling softly as she told him they were about to become parents again.
Unfortunately enough, Steinarius' distress soon started to influence his behavior. The Legion, the Blades, even the dragons, everything suddenly seemed unimportant compared to the losses the Imperial had experienced all that time ago, and the man soon lost the enthusiasm he had once felt for his job, for his destiny and for his calling.
Agda was the only one who knew about his troubles, just like she was the only one to offer him solace. She'd often stay up in the night just to hear Steinarius talk, to reassure him, to prepare him weak sleeping draughts that could help him find some peace. Moreover, during the day she would often caress his back, place her hands on his shoulders as he chatted with Erik, squeeze his hand whenever he was silent for a particularly long time. Steinarius hadn't missed the way Agda's heart sped up when he replied to her displays of affection, just like he hadn't missed the way she defended him from everyone who tried to mock him. The girl clearly had some feelings for him - and, one day, Steinarius abruptly realized that he had feelings for her too.
The Dragonborn had already noticed that Agda's presence was enough to make him feel better. He remembered very well the lust he'd felt on New Life Festival, just like he remembered the many open-eyed dreams he'd had about her. Nonetheless, after the hallucinations had brought back the memory of Vigdis, Steinarius thought that his feelings for the girl were nothing but a strong friendship. Yet, one day he realized just how wrong he was.
Steinarius had just returned from his first long walk after getting injured. He had reached Helgen, then he'd come back at a fast pace, thus understanding that his body had completely recovered from the traumas it had endured. As he opened the door to the Sleeping Giant, however, the Imperial felt on the verge of fainting.
Agda wasn't the kind of girl who bluntly flirted with her customers, who allowed them to take good looks at her cleavage, who raised her skirt just to make them drool over her. Therefore, as Steinarius walked inside the inn and noticed that she was sitting on Erik's lap, he felt the irrational need to punch the boy in the face.
Agda seemed to realize his distress and was quick to abandon her place on Erik's knees. Nonetheless, Steinarius thought about that afternoon for many days to come.
Erik was a handsome boy, sure - he had a mane of red hair, pale blue eyes, the tanned and scarred face of a farmer turned warrior; he was friendly and fun and chatty and always told lots of amusing anedoctes about his youth, about Rorikstead, about his adventures. Yet, Steinarius couldn't understand why Agda liked him so much.
Was it because he was a Nord just like her? Or was it because he was exactly as old as her? Or was it because she'd seen him naked and had enjoyed the view?
That night, as he tossed and turned in his bed, Steinarius couldn't stop thinking about those questions. He wasn't a Nord, sure, but he'd been living in Skyrim for many years; he was older than Agda, true, but with 27 winters he was still a very young man; he didn't have wonderful blue eyes that shone like stars on a tanned face, alright, but he thought his appearance to be much classier and nobler than Erik's. As for his body, Steinarius truly was at loss for words. He had once bathed with Erik - it wasn't that uncommon, for two male warriors who had been facing the wilds together for more than three weeks in a row - and he couldn't remember anything striking about the boy. If Agda thought that the young farmer was better off than him, Steinarius probably needed to streak naked through her inn just to make her realize what she was missing out on.
Luckily enough, those thoughts allowed Steinarius to understand a few things.
First, he probably wasn't as attractive as he believed; second, he was jealous of a Nord farmer - which, to tell the truth, was actually quite embarrassing; third, the Dragonborn wished he could bring Agda to show him the same level of friendship she was already displaying with Erik; fourth, Steinarius finally understood that he was tired of the life he'd led over the previous three years.
That last realization did wonders for the Imperial. As he thought about Agda and Vigdis, Steinarius namely understood that he was tired of walking the path of life on his own, of spending days full of fights and arguments and fatigue only to come home in the evenings and find that there was no one there to wait for him. But most of all, Steinarius realized all of a sudden, he was tired of allowing his past to undermine his future.
When that thought clearly cut its way through his mind, the Imperial couldn't take it anymore: he got up from his bed and ventured into the wilds.
It was high time he started fighting for his own happiness.
Whiterun was as busy as usual. Although the Civil War had stopped lots of the trades starting from the city, the number of foreign adventurers and simple customers who were quietly strolling through the local market was surprisingly impressive. With all those people walking around, no one paid attention to the cloaked man who quickly snuck into the Warmaiden's, one of the best weapon shops of the Hold.
As he caught a glimpse of Ulfberth's familiar built, Steinarius smiled. It was early morning, but the bulky Nord was already dealing with a few customers. His wife, Adrianne, was nowhere to be seen.
After first joining the Companions, Steinarius had nourished a fierce dislike towards Whiterun. As the only Imperial member of the Companions, he'd namely been considered a weirdo (if not a downright psycho) by most of the local population. Moreover, the fact that his father was an important Legate had soon gained him the hatred of the whole Gray-Mane clan.
Luckily enough, Eorlund Gray-Mane, the blacksmith of the Companions, had never paid attention to the feelings the rest of his family nourished towards Steinarius; nonetheless, when the boy destroyed part of his equipment during their first blacksmithing lesson together, Eorlund had been quick to ban him from his workplace.
Although he knew well enough that that veto had been fully deserved, Steinarius felt humiliated by the treatment he'd received from the most famous blacksmith of Skyrim. Fine, he had let the man's favorite hammer slip into the fire of the Skyforge, but he hadn't done that on purpose!
Unfortunately, despite the Imperial's pleas and protests and his long talks with Kodlak, Eorlund stood his ground – he would never allow that clumsy boy to get near his forge ever again.
Despite the blacksmith's ban, Steinarius still needed to learn how to create and repair weapons. Since Eorlund refused to teach him anything, the Imperial soon found himself in search of a new master – and Adrianne Avenicci was the only one willing to help.
The Imperial was a very fascinating woman and on a few occasions she and Steinarius even ended up in bed together. Nonetheless, after Adrianne met Ulfberth, her relationship with the young Companion turned into a simple friendship.
Steinarius liked Adrienne: she was strong and wise and beautiful and she could read his mind like an open book. Moreover, after Vigdis had been hurt, the young blacksmith had turned into a true rock for the Dragonborn: she'd helped him taking care of his woman, she'd stood by his side during Eidan's funeral, she'd even created some items to help Vigdis with her physical problems.
Thanks to her friendship with Steinarius, Adrianne was also one of the few people of Whiterun who knew the truth about the end of the Imperial's relationship with Vigdis. The unlucky couple hadn't moved to Solitude so that Steinarius could live closer to the headquarters of the Legion – actually, the once merry couple had vanished into thin air.
When the last customer finally left the shop, Steinarius took a step ahead and unshed his hood. After finding out about the reason for his visit, Ulfberth was quick to lead him to Adrianne.
Surprisingly enough, the talented blacksmith was still sleeping in her comfortable bedroom. She put on a dressing gown, then she welcomed Steinarius at her breakfast table.
"Ulfberth and I are trying to have a child", she confessed after a few minutes of small talk. "Unfortunately, all that physical activity is tiring me out".
Steinarius couldn't help but express his enthusiasm for the news. As he did, however, he felt a bittersweet tingle at the back of his mind - although he was still stuck in his past, all his friends were moving on with their lives.
When Adrianne asked him what had brought him to Whiterun, the Dragonborn sighed. It was time he told her the truth.
"I wanted to talk about Vigdis".
As soon as he uttered the name of his long-lost-fiancée, Steinarius noticed a mixture of tenderness, reproach and regret in Adrianne's hazel eyes.
"Steinarius, it's been more than three years since you last saw her", the woman carefully said. "You shoud…"
"This time I'm not here to cry", Steinarius abruptly interrupted the blacksmith. "This time I need your advice on something entirely different. I… I think I've found a woman I fancy".
There was a moment of silence during which Steinarius could clearly notice the the shock in Adrianne's eyes. After a few seconds, however, the woman's frown was replaced by a malicious and satisfied smile.
"May I have the honour to know more about the lucky one?", the blacksmith asked while blinking her eye.
Steinarius was quick to oblige.
"Her name is Agda. She's an innkeeper in Riverwood, but she was born and raised in Anvil".
"Do I know her?"
Steinarius shook his head.
"Agda visits Whiterun on very seldom occasions. She doesn't even know how to swing a sword, therefore I don't think she's ever been to your shop".
"I guess she must have other qualities, then".
"Agda is the best alchemist I've ever come across in my life", Steinarius sternly nodded. "She's friendly and sweet and has this happy-go-lucky attitude that I absolutely adore. She easily trusts people, she loves every little part of her life, she's always ready to aid and soothe all those who are in need of solace and help. She's the most generous person I know and, although she may look like a simpleton, she's actually the most observant girl in Skyrim. She's very funny and she's always smiling, even when she's tired or sad or worried. She's…"
"She's quite different from Vigdis, then", Adrianne chuckled. "I knew your woman for many years, but I never saw her smile".
As he noticed the amused look on the blacksmith's face, Steinarius couldn't stifle a smile. Vigdis had always been a mysterious, broody, enigmatic, sometimes even unsettling warrior; Agda, on the other hand, was as calm and legible as the crystal-clear waters of Lake Ilinalta. Nonetheless, that didn't make her less interesting at all.
"It seems that you've found a true treasure hidden in the forests of the Hold", Adrianne smiled as Steinarius kept on telling her about Agda's qualities. "Yet, I can sense that there is something that worries you".
As he heard those words, the Dragonborn couldn't help but sigh and lower his gaze.
"I thought I was ready to forget Vigdis once and for all, but it looks like I'm not", he confessed after teling Adrianne about his recent hallucinations. "Agda has feelings for me, but I like her too much to run the risk of hurting her".
There was a moment of silence, then Adrianne sighed.
"Steinarius, I don't want to be harsh on you, but I think that you need to realize the truth", she slowly said. "I've known you since you were seventeen, and I knew Vigdis too. She was a proud woman, one who would never allow anyone or anything to hurt you or make you feel bad. She loved you more than her own life and she left you because she thought that your love wasn't as strong as hers. She thought hers to be a selfless choice, but unfortunately it turned out to be a huge mistake on her part, as you clearly can't stand living without her. Nonetheless, that doesn't change anything. Vigdis left you, Steinarius, and no one knows what's been of her. You've always acted altruistically after her incident, but your generous attitude didn't pay off. For once, my friend, you should try and be selfish. Forget your fiancée and try your luck with this Agda. She knows about your past and, if she really is as clever as you say, she's already understood that you're a very complicated man. Nonetheless, she may be willing to give you a chance and finally heal your wounds".
As Adrianne stopped talking, Steinarius felt as though a great weight had been lifted off his chest. Later, as he walked back to Riverwood, he finally made up his mind.
He was going to give himself a chance to be happy.