As Dan tried to calm himself down, he couldn't help but think of everything he could have done differently to have calmly convinced Phil he was okay. Now Phil knew for sure that something was up, and Dan was going to have to tell him. Maybe he could just make something up. No, no that wouldn't work, Phil wasn't stupid.. He knew Dan better than anybody did and if anyone were to know for sure something was up, it would be Phil. Dan tried to contain his tears, he tried to muffle the tears, but he was almost positive Phil would be able to hear him from his bedroom. He was also almost positive Phil was still just outside his bedroom door. He couldn't handle it, knowing that Phil was more than anything concerned for him. But this was just one thing Dan couldn't tell him. His best friend was trying to make him feel better, but there was nothing he would be able to do.
"Dan, please just come out."Phil said quietly. Dan could hear the desperation in his voice, it sounded almost as if he had been crying, but he saw no reason for him to cry. "Please. We can talk about whatever it is thats upsetting you and everything will be alright. Please, Daniel. I just want to know that my best friend is okay, Dan please" Phil's voice got quieter with each word he spoke, almost as if each word hurt more and more to speak, until at last he couldn't bear to speak anymore.
Dan stumbled out of his bed and to the door, where for a second he thought about opening it, he has one hand on the doorknob. In the end he just slid down the doorframe in tears. He could hear Phil's sobs from the other side, and Dan couldn't help but feel bad. Philip Michael Lester was his best friend, he didn't mean to cause him pain. He just couldn't bear to know that there was never going to be anything other than a friendship between the two. The two a.m. random movies, the awkward hugs, the days where they just sat in the main room in pajamas watching T.V. all day, that was all just stuff they did as friends. And between them, there would never be anything more other than friendship.
"Dan, please just let me in" Phil pleaded quietly from the other side. Dan could still hear him crying.
Dan finally found enough voice to actually speak, "Phil, I can't. I just- I can't." He said this quietly, but with just enough voice so that Phil could hear him. It broke Dan, he hadn't felt this alone and this bad,this alone, about something in a long time. Probably before he met Phil, once they became friends Dan always had someone to talk to. But not this time. He couldn't tell anyone about this.
Phillip couldn't take the just hearing Dans muffled sobs any longer. He decided he had to get him to talk. Eventually he got a quite response and relief flooded his body before he turned back to worrying, so Dan was alive, but he was still in obvious pain. Phil knew he needed to get into Dans room one way or another. First, he decided he would just try and talk Dan into letting him in.
"Daniel, please I just want to make sure you're okay," He whispered putting his hand to the door, "Because I don't think you are. I know I should believe you when you say you're okay, and I usually do, but I don't think I can believe you this time," He turned to completely face the door "I can hear you, ya know, at night when you think I've fallen asleep." Phil could hear Dan almost freeze at the moment he said that, "I can just hear you sobbing. Dan, it's not healthy, it's being going on for way too long for it to be healthy. You need to talk to someone, and I'm right here. I'll always be your shoulder to cry on, just as you would be me. I'm right here Dan. Just let me in. Please," The lights flickered then before turning on. Phil sat in the uncomfortable silence for a few minutes after that until getting an idea. He rushed to the kitchen and grabbed two mugs. Hot chocolate would surely be the answer. It always was. He made the drinks and rushed back to Dans bedroom door. He knocked on Dans door again and when he didn't get an answer he just sat in front of the door. Several minutes later he heard the door unlock. Cautiously he opened the door, "Dan," He whispered before spotting a bundle of blankets,. He then sat both mugs down and practically ran over to him. "Dan, oh Dan you're alright. Oh thank the Lord." He threw his arms around Dan. Phil could feel Dan stiffen at the touch and quickly drew back. He sat on the foot of Dan's bed trying to figure out what to say. He decided he was going to have to wing it. "Um Dan, mate, um what's exactly been going on with you?" He questioned quietly. Dan sat up a little and looked at Phil shrugging, "I've just had a lot of time to think about my life-decisions lately"
Phil nodded before getting up and hugging Dan again, he wasn't exactly sure why he was doing what he was, but it seemed like the right thing to do. After a few seconds Dan hesitantly hugged Phil back, "Thank you," Dan whispered, "For caring so much about me"
Phil smiled to himself, "It's no big deal, mate, that's what best friends are for"
"Then apperently I'm not a very good best friend."
Phil broke apart from their awkward hug, and sat by Dan looking him straight in the eye, "Daniel James Howell, don't ever say that again. You are literally the best best friend I could ever ask for. Your sarcasm and random jokes lost ally brighten even my darkest days. I honestly don't know what I'd be doing if it weren't for you. You are the most perfect best friend I've ever had. And don't you ever, not even for a second, think differently," He could see the tears dwelling up in Dans brown eyes as he said each word.
"That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me," Dan quickly looked away from Phil, "Thank you," He whispered.
"Now will you please just tell me what's wrong?" He asked him, putting a hand on his knee.
"Phil, I can't," Dan pulled the blanket tighter onto him as if it were his protection from something, but Phil couldn't figure out just what Dan couldn't tell him,"I'm sorry, Phil, but I can't"
Phil sighed in defeat, "Okay, okay. But please just if you ever need to talk, remember I'm just across the hall." He stood to leave and got to the doorway before he hesitated. Phil turned to look at Dan and smiled a little, he was almost out of the room when something grabbed at his arm. He turned to see Dan.
"I love you, Phillip!" Dan muttered as tears started to re-form in his eyes, "Not just in the 'you're my best friend, I love you way', but in the 'I'm utterly and hopelessly in love with you' way. I know you don't see my like that, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I'm sorry, but I love you" After he said it, it seemed to take Dan a little while before he fully comprehended what he had just told Phil. As soon as he realized what he told him, he stepped into his room and slammed the door, locking it.
Phil stood there still facing Dan's now locked door. "So that's why he's been all weird" he thought to himself. He swallowed as he thought of the tremendous pain his friend must have been in, but there was nothing he could do to help it, no he couldn't think like that, he needed to be there for Dan. Phil needed to show Dan that he was still there for him, and he always would be. Phil knew a lot about Dan. He knew a lot that no other person knew, and this was now one of those things. Phil loved Dan, deep inside he really did, he just hadn't figured it out just yet. He knew what Dan was feeling, and he knew he needed to help. Dan had seemed more scared than anything, scared to be judged, scared to be hated, scared to be laughed at. But Phil would never do any of those things to Dan, he wouldn't laugh or hate or judge Dan. No, he definitely would not. Phil needed to talk to Dan again. knew that more than he had ever knew anything in his entire life.
Phil stared at Dan's door for a long time trying to decide what to do. In the end, Phil decided it would be best to just leave the matter be for that night. He went to his bedroom and crawled into his bed. He thought about what had just happened. Phil didn't know why, but he felt a sense of relief in a way, it was a joyful feeling, but he didn't know why exactly, not yet at least. Phil Lester fell asleep happy and a tad bit confused that night.